ARTICLES WITHIN THIS TOPIC ARE:
1. 10 ways to know it's over.
2. Does SHE/HE still love you?
Reasons Why Couples Break Up
survey asks who breaks up with who, and why.
5. Freedom - and why you break up with someone smothering
Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It.
7. Lost love
8. What does it take to be that
9. Relationship break up tips
10. How to fall out of love.
11. End of a Relationship
Signs of Relationship Breakdown
13. 5 stages of decay.
14. Not all relationships are meant to be.
15. Top Tips
for an Amicable Breakup
16. Recognizing Sour Relationships
are certain signs that are present in almost every bad relationship
18. Improve your communication
skills ~ Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by understanding the principles of
communication, and the pitfalls we encounter.
19. Communication That Really Improves Relationships
go of a broken relationship that does not nourish us: the why and how
Why Do We Hurt the One We Love?
Eight Faces of Infatuation
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10 ways to know it's
**NOTE: SHE/HE are interchangable
So many men (and women) ask me, "Shawn, here is my situation... is it over?"
Well, once and for all, let it be clear that if you have experienced any of the following 10 scenarios, then it is a clear-cut
sign that the fat lady has sung and Elvis has left the building.
10. She got a new phone number
"(out of service dial tone) You have reached 555-O-V-E-R,
the girl you are trying to reach is making it painfully
clear that things are finished, so please stop calling before she releases the hounds on you."
If she suddenly changes her number and never
forwards you the new one, then maybe, just maybe, she has moved on and prefers leaving you where you are. And if she forwards
you to her voice mail after answering the call, then you should take the sign and run.
9. The chemistry is gone
She used to
rave about the chemistry that you two shared. But now, you are out of sync and out of touch. It's like you are having different
conversations with one another.
Restaurants are devoid of chitchat, and dates are spent in movie theaters so you don't have to speak to one another (unless
it's to pass the popcorn).
8. She now plays for the other team
not your fault... of course not. Regardless, she now plays in the other team's lineup and has become your competition and
you didn't even see it coming. All of a sudden, she is checking out the women more than the men.
7. She moved... without telling you
show up at her place only to realize that she no longer resides there. Apparently, she moved and "forgot" to let you know
where she was going. Like the phone number example above, this is probably one of the most blatant signs that you too should move on. Do not stalk her
and do not pursue her, set your sights on new fish. If you lived with her and she moved out without telling you, well...
6. She just doesn't care
because she no longer finds those annoying habits of yours cute, doesn't care when you screw up, doesn't care about what you
like, or gives the flowers
you bought to her mother, you know that things have changed. And to top it all off, she religiously begins going to the gym
all of a sudden.
Get a grip and a new girl after No. 1 occurs...
Your pictures disappear from her room
the final days, you notice that your shrine has been losing some luster; the picture frames in her room are gathering dust.
With time, you realize that the frames are gone and the pictures have been put to rest. You are nothing but a distant memory
in her shoebox.
4. She prefers hanging out with others
you used to hang out, eat together and live as one, she now opts to hang out with someone else. You have moved from priority
numero uno to a has-been. It may hurt, but it's time to realize that your services are no longer required.
3. She said "it's over"
If the girl explicitly tells you that she no longer wants you, do
not try to decipher it any other way. It doesn't mean she's tired, hormonal or unsure. If it walks like a duck, talks like
a duck and tastes like a duck...
2. She "forgot" your birthday
or not you have forgotten her birthday in the past, this year she forgot yours. Two things are possible: either you messed
up so bad in her eyes that she could not bring herself to saying "happy birthday," or she is sending the loudest message that
she is now dancing to another tune, which sounds more like "I Will Survive".
1. She has a new guy
You notice that
she frequently talks about other men; she calls you "Tom" when your name is "Joseph"; she starts referring to your best friend "Mike" as " Big Mike". Bottom line: you know something
is up. The jig is over, she has found herself a new man and his name doesn't rhyme with yours. Just consider yourself lucky
that you did not walk in and witness the new dashing duo going at it (and you know what I mean by "it").
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Does She Still Loves You?
By Heidi MullerRelationship Correspondent -
A woman's heart can, at times, be the most difficult thing in the world to capture.
Once you have it though, chances are it's yours forever, unless of course you drive her to madness. Unfortunately, most men
screw up somewhere down the line in relationships.
When men are making fatal relationship errors, most
women give off subtle signs, remember
all of their partners' screw-ups, and usually don't love their partners anymore. There are always telltale signs. Some women
are blunt and tell their men abruptly that they hate their guts and no longer want them. But most women are clever and will
only offer hints that their love is long, long gone.
This example will demonstrate my theory. Recently,
I went to a male friend's birthday party. His girlfriend gave him a gift and a card on which she wrote, You've played a key
role in my life . I had previously read other letters she had written and they all said, You're the most precious thing in
my life or You're my reason for living .
This time she wrote key role , as if her boyfriend
had been demoted from love of my life and is now a team player in his girlfriend's life. Who played the other key roles ?
Ex-boyfriends? Her boss? Her friends? A simple phrase like that served more as a code red to the boyfriend than a love letter.
I didn't tell my friend what I thought (I didn't want
to ruin his birthday party), but two weeks later he called me crying, telling me his girlfriend doesn't love him anymore.
She doesn't have to say key role in a letter for
you to realize that things are going downhill in a relationship. There are generally three very obvious signs that every man should recognize:
1) She stops calling
Most women love attention and love it when men compliment them, look at them,
ask them out. Women also love calling their boyfriends or husbands (and love receiving phone calls) because it gives them
a chance to receive attention. Most couples I know are in daily contact with each other, no matter where they are in the world.
A lot of married couples call each other at work, either to check up on each other or out of boredom.
Suddenly one day, she stops calling . Very subtly you
realize that the phone doesn't ring quite as often, until one day it almost never does. This is a big sign . If a woman stops calling you, it is because she feels she shouldn't make the time
or effort to call. When a woman is in love, she will bend over backwards for her man. When she isn't…see ya, wouldn't
wanna be ya.
2) She stops caring and stops acting jealous
a woman stops calling you, more of her behavior starts to change. Most women are at least a tad jealous by nature. Most women
deny it, but it's true. Women don't want to share their men with anyone, so they do what's necessary to keep them happy (this
includes: baking a cake, going shopping with his mom, ironing his shirts, and oral sex).
So when your girlfriend or wife suddenly stops acting jealous or no longer does things for
you, watch out. When she stops asking about your day or getting mad at you for looking at other women, start counting the
days. She's not in love with you anymore.
3) Do you want to go to the movies?
The third sign
that things are going badly is actually pretty simple. If you go to the movies every time you go out with your partner, this
is another sign . Being at a movie theater is a great excuse to spend time together without actually having to say a word
to one another.
If a woman says, why don't we just go see a movie?
every time you want to go out, she is really saying I don't want to spend time with you, especially in public because I think
you are an idiot .
Not exactly in those words of course, but you get the
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Five Reasons Why Couples
by Dan Hayes
Relationships are either heaven or hell. Sometimes
both. Making relationships last mystifies the most sincere seeker and the most casual. One out of every two marriages in America
today ends in divorce, and many that do survive do so only in a state of armed truce.
The problems begin long before marriage. Couples who
began their dating relationships starry-eyed and dreamy all too often end them red-eyed and dismayed.
Girlfriends and boyfriends, who were certain theirs
was the romance of the century, find themselves shot down in flames for reasons they do not understand. Among high school
and college students, the habit of breaking up is so frequent that some avoid dating just to avoid the hurt.
In the last 10 years, during my travels to hundreds
of colleges and high schools, the response to my question "how are relationships going here?" has grown increasingly negative.
Sadly, there is a hint of hopelessness about it. As
students watch their peers, siblings, and parents struggle with relationships which frequently terminate, they develop a "what's
the use?" mentality. "How can my relationship succeed," they reason, "when those of so many people I look up to fail?"
Hopefully, this article will be helpful in examining
some of the causes and cures of such unnecessary splits. I will highlight five reasons couples break up and try to offer some
hope to stem the tide.
REASON #1: Sweeping Cultural and Structural Changes
The sweeping cultural and structural changes which
have occurred in society in the last 80 years have contributed to higher levels of break up.
In 1910, 80 percent of Americans lived in rural areas.
Today, 80 percent live in urban areas. One out of every five Americans moves every year. City life and relocation stress are
just two factors that have put additional pressure on couples. The
faster paced city life forces people to try to build relationships quicker. However, no matter how much one want to do it
differently, relationships only grow strong and deep when built slowly and steadily. And so, haste in relationships tends
to build weaker ones, which are easily broken.
Eighty years ago many marriages were practical in nature.
Today, they are primarily social. That is, in 1910 Mom and Dad to keep her from being an old maid. Dad needed Mom to help
him run the farm and bear children to assist economically. Today, however, questions such as -- Do I look good with her? Does
he look good with me? Are we sexually good together? How will she fit with my family? Do we have the same tastes? -- are paramount.
When the answers to these questions change, the relationship changes.
A third factor in this category is the rise of the
commerce-centred marriage versus the home-centred marriage. In the past, couples primarily related around the home environment.
Often, they would eat all three meals together. Today, of course, it is considered unusual to eat even three dinners together
in a week. Business and professions compete strongly for the time needed to establish relationships. Again, when time is shortened,
A final point is the rise of new motivational factors
in the last eight decades. Sex and money are two of these. I call them new not because they have not existed in the past,
but because of their tremendous rise in prominence.
Sex, of course, has always been a major part of relationships,
but today it has become the only part for many couples. Sex saturates our advertising, media and cultural mindset. Few products
are sold without using it. As a consequence, the sexual aspect of relationships assumes unrealistic and unrealized proportions.
Inevitably disappointment results; having no other basis than sex, relationships end.
Money has always been important in a relationship,
but today financial security is urged as an absolute necessity. Prenuptial agreements abound, palimony suits multiply, and
everyone covets financial self-protection.
Let's face it. A prenuptial agreement is a lousy way to begin a long-term relationship. It basically says, "We don't expect
this to last." Whenever you assume an escape hatch, it won't be long before someone decides to take it.
Certainly much has changed in our society to put stress
on relationships in eighty years. How do we adapt? We cannot change the culture, so we must change the way we think.
One piece of advice is this: take it gradually. Few
relationships fail because they are built too slowly. Take time, converse, communicate. View your partner as a person, not
just as an object that makes you feel good. If you want fast food, you will get it cheap and in a paper box. If you want a
feast, you must prepare it lovingly and slowly, but it will last a long time.
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It's high time to break
In ideal world people, who love each other, either
long for being together, or they don't – anyway, they experience the same feelings. Should one grow cold towards his/her
partner, or become enamoured of him/her, another one should manage to catch and to understand this. But if one meets stumbling-blocks
in coexistence with a partner, that means he/she just keeps off conversations about ending a relationship and ignores break
up signs. Being blind in love relationship, people often lose their ability to feel the real threat. Actually, there are several
reasons for making haste to discreet relationship break up:
1. Verbal signs or 10 main phrases one would never
like to had slipped from dearly-beloved lips:
- We need to talk seriously;
- You are like a sister/brother for me;
I don't love you any more;
- It's not your fault. I'm the one to blame;
- I think we would better be friends;
Do you remember when I've said everything is all right? I've lied.
- Do you really want to know why I go out to dinner
with my assistant?
- You've never made me hot;
- Have you always been such a bore?
- Give me back my keys.
These words hurt and make us lose the last hope. Moreover,
they might be the certain signs of ending a relationship.
2. Have you ever asked yourself about the reason for
keep on dating someone you don't care at all? Appearance? Opportunity to make a career? No way. Remember that unhealthy and
bad relationships result from the lack of respect. As one gives a damn for his/her partner, he/she gets into a jam. It would
become a heavy burden and would finally lead to ending a relationship.
3. Unhealthy abusive relationship is one of the most
forcible arguments to break up. A negative reaction to your partner's presence, lasting uncomfortable feeling, violent quarrels,
unwillingness to express one's feelings and thoughts, lack of humor and sex drive, could be explained as an absolute relationship
incompatibility. Should one feel unwell near his/her partner, ending a relationship would be a must.
4. Is it possible to save relationship when the love
has gone? Definitely, it is not. There's no sense to keep on moving together hand in hand, due to some features that suit
one another. Sooner or later one would approach to ending a relationship, since living without love appears to be unbearable.
5. Disparateness in values and objectives of the partners
lead up relationships into a blind alley. One has no good reason to make the date dance to his/her tune. Insisting on his/her
doing a good turn to you, diverting a partner from his/her job and activities, being intrude in telephone calls and senseless
talks, you push the lover to ending a relationship with you. 6. It is no wonder that our friends' and family support helps to survive in the most tangled situations. When
the lover becomes an obstacle between you and your relatives, stripping you of the contact with other people, he/she steals
your complementary burst of energy and your independence. As a result, you changes into a lonesome wanderer, losing significance
of existence. Nip it immediately in the bud even by means of ending a relationship at all! You are worth being truly loved.
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National survey asks who breaks up with who, and why
Recently American Demographics magazine polled a nationally
representative sample of 3000 adults via the Internet to find out what goes on when couples break up. They found that 59%
of those age 18 to 35 had recently experienced a breakup, compared to 31% for those 35-54 and 12% of folks 55 and older.
half (51%) of women say they ended the relationship, just 32% of men say the breakup was the woman's idea. Among the guys,
29% say they were the ones who ended the romance, and 38% say the breakup was "mutual" (compared to 28% of women).
was at the root of the split, according to 30% of women and 28% of men. It was the most common reason given by women; women
also cite "commitment problems" (27%), lack of passion (17%), and physical or emotional abuse (25%). (More than one reason
could be given.) "Growing apart" was mentioned by 29% of women, but was the most prevalent cause for men (40%).
may "ease" out of relationships
Why the difference in perception of who is breaking up with who? One reason may be a technique
that some males use in the belief that it allows the woman to save face. (Women do this too, but in my observation, men use
Having decided that the relationship isn't working (for whatever reason), the man will begin behaving "badly."
He calls less, breaks dates, shows up late, and becomes generally such a lousy boyfriend that the woman finally ends the relationship.
This would explain why he is more likely than she is to see the breakup as "mutual" - he knows they both wanted out, but she
Getting over it
The poll also asked what strategies
people used to heal their broken hearts. While women were more likely to use multiple strategies, the top three approaches
were employed by both sexes. The most common choice for men - date someone else - was third among women. Women were most likely
to call friends or family (second choice among men). Rent movies/watch tv ranked second for women and third for men.
the top ten list of strategies, both sexes sleep more or less than usual, both eat more than usual, and both drink or get
drunk. Men's list also includes eating less than usual, exercise, and going on a trip. Women's list has cleaning, going shopping,
and writing in a journal.
When it came to keeping in touch with an ex, men and women of all ages took a similar approach
- about a third stayed in touch.
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and why you break up with someone smothering you
copyright 1997 by Harlan Jacobsen
You get that big romance going and no one else
or nothing else seems important. You spend every possible waking moment together and you even talk, talk, talk on the phone
when you are apart. You just can't seem to ever get enough of each other. It's one tender kiss after another Sunday thru Saturday
and it's really togetherness.
Then, rather suddenly, it's SPLITS-VILLE. What
happened? Perhaps it could have been a long permanent relationship yet it wound up in good-byes.
A single has gained certain personal freedoms,
freedom on how to spend time, money, and your energy. They may not be totally aware that they have these freedoms until that
certain someone comes on the scene. Togetherness is nice but soon they get upset, nervous, aggravated. They are being smothered
and they wish they were out of it. (They haven't lost interest but they think they have because they know they want out).
Tonight maybe, they want to stay home alone
and read, but they can't tell you that. They don't want to hurt your feelings. You like this end to loneliness and you want
to work at it full time. If you still care about me, why can't we be together tonight?
You do not own them and you are not entitled
to 100% of their free time, attention or energy. Freedom to run around or freedom to be untrue is not what we are talking
about. You need to allow the other person as much personal freedom as they want to keep. So you must play it cool by loving
but not smothering.
You must allow room for individuality. Insist
that they allow you time and you allow them time to maintain other outside interests. When it's constant togetherness with
no outside interests, soon there is nothing to talk about.
The big problem is learning to play it cool,
a middle route, not do nothing or not go overboard.
Be involved, be in love, but don't suffocate
them with too much of you.
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"5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can
Do About It"
by Susie and Otto Collins,
Nearly everyone has experienced a relationship breakup
or divorce and it can be one of the most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your broken heart. What we
have discovered in our relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to happen.
So, if breakups don't have
to occur, what cases them and how can you prevent them?
Here are four ideas to help you better understand why
breakups happen and what you can do to prevent them in your relationship.
1. Old Fears Surface.
It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship
will inevitable bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive
enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed, they interfere
in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with
yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming
your partner for what clearly is your issue.
Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you
just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then
change your thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your
thoughts. If you need help and support to make the
changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it.
You may not have healed your broken heart from past relationships that ended and you find it very difficult to trust
your current partner or open your heart completely to him or her. We suggest that you stop living from the hurt of those
past relationships and bring yourself into the present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the past. Commit
to starting over, allowing your fears to be there but reminding yourself that this is a new day.
2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and
Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved
and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs.
If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works!
If you are not feeling loved, start being open to
seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life.
It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some
appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in your life.
3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority.
Many couples take each other for granted and don't
give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can be overwhelming
and can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect
with your partner.
We believe that sex happens long before the
bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or negative?
It continues when you come together--Are you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great each
other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances?
These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship
a priority. Try them in yours!
4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They
One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they
make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person who you
love and they love you becomes an "enemy."
Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner,
stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer
toward healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand
the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really
don't. Take the time to find out!5.
Not healing your heart after a previous relationship breakup
Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly
healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their previous relationship and what they could have done differently.
They keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and always expect a different outcome.
We suggest that you
take the time to heal your broken heart and your attachment to being a victim, in being right or whatever holds you to a previous
relationship. Spend some energy in taking responsibility for what happened, forgiving yourself and your previous partner,
and deciding what you want to change in your life.
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Every love affair has it's lifetime. This that as long
as it has a start it has a finish. Some relationships last to the end of partners lifetime, some die soon after they
Love may start as the strongest passion but time passes
and the storm of emotions calms down, relationships once so bright and full of surprises become routine. It drags on for a
while and than comes crisis. A couple can either survive through it or fall apart.
Even when the love is gone it's always hard to realise
that you have to quit something once so good. There's no certain way to decrease the sad feelings about falling apart. You
may only try to stay civilised people about it and to let the one who's leaving do it without making up grandiose scandals
Although some think that it's better to stay enemies
than friends because than you will have nothing to regret about and won't execute meaningless attempts to get things back.
But is it so right to ruin all the memories about the happy time two people have spent together with ugly scenes screaming
and blaming each other in the worst sins?
It's over when it's over and sometimes it's obvious
that all is over. Two people scream and shout one at the other almost everyday, they have nothing to talk about and if they
do every conversation turns into a quarrel, one finds faults with everything the other does, they both simply annoy each other.
That's definitely the end.
The question is where the love's gone. Nobody
knows it. Maybe they've been spending too much time together and finally have started to bore each other. Maybe he has stopped
telling her about his love and she has stopped feeling it. Maybe time has made the illusions disappear and the reality has
turned to be not what they both expected. Maybe there was only passion and after it's gone nothing has left. There can be
plenty of those maybes. Every misfortune has it's own face. It may even be that nothing is over but people need to take a
little rest one from the other or try to diversify their relationships. In fact when each one of a couple is willing to fight
to make love stay they'll find the way to do it.
The real tragedy is when one still feels the love but
the other is bored and wants to leave. If the feeling is really gone no tricks will help to keep the partner, sooner or later
he or she will finally leave and those few more weeks together won't make you happier. The only thing you can really do in
this case is to try to get over him/her as soon as possible. That misery will pass as the happiness did.
Sometimes (and it specially refers to women) a man
looses his interest to a woman because she has given up her job, interests, friends and etc. in order to become the part of
his life, to be everything he needs. He doesn't have to conquer her no more, she has stopped being a personality with her
own life that he had once fallen in love with. If fact this is one of the general mistakes people do. They get too comfortable
and stop fighting for each others love. And than when a partner starts packing bags they wonder where did I go wrong.But still in very many cases lost love isn't anyone's fault.
It is just the way things go. We should never stop believing that next time the feeling will be real and will finally last
to the very end. We have no limit of times that we can fall in love and so although it's sad to loose love, each time we do
we should try to look at it as on the chance to find a new better one.
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What does it take to be
that significant other?
- Sees the other person as perfect
- Wants to get own needs met; selfish
- Spends all time with the other person
- Quickly "falls" for the other person
- Other relationships and friendships deteriorate
- Dependence on the other person causes
- Jealousy frequently
- Lasts for a short period of time
- Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship
- Quarrels are serious and common
- Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship
- Sees the other person's flaws and still loves them
- Wants to serve the other person; selfless
- Still spends time with others
- Takes time to build the relationship
- Other relationships and friendships grow stronger
- Trust and understanding results in less severe and
less frequent jealousy
- Encompasses a long-term commitment
- Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of
- Quarrels are less serious and less often
- Quarrels can strengthen the relationship
Infatuation can be so tempting. But the question is,
do I want a lasting, satisfying relationship? If so, infatuation isn't the answer. Look at your relationships through the
grid above. Infatuation isn't a bad thing, as long as we don't base a relationship on it.
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Relationship break up tips
Making an attempt to cross one's t's and dot one's
i's in relationship with an intimate friend, one would rather work out a kind of break up conversation model. This relationship
advice is to be guided by those, who try to avoid after-pains of rebound relationship, as well as to have a go at another
successful soul mate search. Sincere and friendly manner of relationships break up gives an opportunity to appreciate reasonably
all the pros and cons of your decision.
1. The preparatory stage of relationship break up lies
in a well-considered desire to bid one's farewell. Escape from reality is an important step to clarify the feelings. Meeting
with friends, taking activities, shopping and walking, one should appreciate his/her ability to destroy romance relationships
and to survive.
2. Having thought over the necessity of relationship
break up, one should keep in mind that procrastination is the thief of time. Regardless of your plans foiled, never try to
have the last intimate contact with an ex-lover. One could hardly enjoy the glass of dazzling champaign or candles' light,
realizing that the love is approaching completion. Don't gratify your ego.
3. The worst relationship break up advice to be imagined
is to avoid the last talk. Those, who pass out off sight, send "good bye" e-mails or leave phone messages, are called miserable
cowards. Determined to relationship break up, organize a meeting with your ex-date and declare your intentions t.te-.-t.te.
Express yourself clearly, be friendly.
4. Hold the strong will in your fist and go on talking.
In the course of relationship break up ex-lovers should take their time to share the sore points. Each moment of your life
is precious, so bless your partner for those days you've spent together. Consider his/her opinion, while discussing all the
positive and negative moments of your relations, and then forgive each other.
5. The one, hanging in the wind towards the relationship
break up, would better learn not to let the past steal the present. You don't need to save relations in front of the fear
of loneliness. Follow this relationship advice and never look back. The end of the world will hardly happen, and life does
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How to Fall out of
by Tigress Luv
'dumpees' the world over, the BIG question is: How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with my ex?
The biggest mistake most people make when
they breakup with their partner is to believe that they somehow have to instantly, magically "fall out of love" with their
ex. That simply is just not so. Feel the love for your ex in your heart, allow the memories and good feelings to flow if you
want...but just remember while allowing your heart to feel the love to also use your brain to receive feedback that it is
over and will not work out. Feel free to feel the love but accept the fact that it is over, too. You can love him/her for
the rest of eternity if you'd like. There is NO reason to think you have to 'fall out of love' with him/her...however you
do need to go through the grief of loss, the withdrawal from that which has become an addiction if you'd like, and acknowledge
and accept that the relationship is over. This is the key to getting past the grief to a point where our hearts are open and
love can re-enter our lives.
But...you can't just 'will' your heart to
not love someone anymore than you can will your heart not to beat. It just isn't possible! What is possible, however,
is to 'allow' yourself to fall out of love. If the relationship is over then stop fighting it, and learn to accept
it - learn how to 'allow' your heart to stop loving your ex.
To 'allow' your heart to stop loving your
ex is hard - it means admitting to ourselves that the relationship is over, and that we will be okay -
no matter what. To allow your heart to fall out of love means to open it back up and 'allow' others in. You can speed
up this process by either getting rid of anything that reminds you of your ex, or by packing it away - out of sight.
By clinging to the love you are not keeping the relationship alive - like your mind has convincingly deceived you into
believing - all you are doing is keeping the grief alive.
Get new interests, change something about
yourself or your life that you were dissatisfied with, find new hobbies, join clubs or groups and make new friends. This is
a time of rebirth for you - a second chance at life - so go for it with all the gusto that you possibly can!
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End of a Relationship Warning
One or both partners may exhibit the following warning signs and
between partners diminishes. Phone calls lessen in frequency or length, emails drop off, and time spent together becomes less
Mood Changes & Irritability: One or both partners may be edgy and are often in
a bad or depressed mood. Little things about their partner may irritate them and they seem more touchy, sensitive, argumentive,
Is your partner suddenly secretive about where they are going, or who they've been with?
Do they whisper when speaking on the phone, or tell the party calling that they'll call them back?
The Here & Now
: Does one partner suddenly stop talking about the future, or limit
plans to 'today'. Does making plans for upcoming events suddenly stop?
Does one or both partners seem to be spending more time with friends, or visiting their
family. Do you or your partner some how end up in separate rooms during the evening, or one of you spend more time than usual
falling asleep on the couch? Do you plan separate weekend activities?
Does one or both partners avoid in depth conversations, preferring to
answer questions or inquiries with a quick 'yes' or 'no'? Does one or both partners get overly absorbed in a t.v. show, or
book? Is the table quiet during meals, and the mornings spent with you or your partner's nose stuck in the newspaper?
Does one or both partners suddenly seem over critical of the other,
concentrating on the other's flaws or faults, or perceiving faults where there really isn't any? Does one or both partners
exhibit 'delusions', seeing things that are wrong with their partner or relationship, where in reality these really don't
Do you just have an 'unexplainable' feeling that there is something
wrong with your partner, or the relationship? Do you 'sense' or have a 'gut-feeling' that something is amiss?
Does one or both partners seem to be distant, distracted, or miles away in their thoughts?
Is one or both partners daydreaming more than usual?
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Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
One of the most useful recent
research findings is the work which has identified the early warning signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. Based
on these signs, researchers have been able to predict with a very high degree of accuracy (about 90%) which relationships
are likely to end within a few years. This information is crucial in accepting when your relationship is in serious need of
more attention or help.
Dr. J. Gottman and
colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship.
In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are
a selfish uncaring person";
feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot
not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you; and
- ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.
J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley
at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:
These research findings are very similar, despite
completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of
these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible
amount of emotional, financial and physical pain.
of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism;
each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view;
interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to
be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative; and
and withdrawal from partner.
H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation.
Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage:
Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.
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Relationships: The 5 stages
of decay"Just because the situation starts to spiral doesn't
mean all is lost. Only by examining the situation can you begin to grow again."
I. Differentiation - Whereas you once made an effort to be seen as
a couple, you now work to be seen as an individual. When conflicts arise between the two of you--or even when everything is
okay--you focus on your differences, rather than similarities. We, Us, Ours -> I, Me, Mine
II. Circumscribing - Rather than continuing the same old fights,
you avoid them. You're filled with an internal rage but as of this point, are not ready to vocalize
the problem to others. You stop going out together as much, preferring time with your separate groups, and when you are together,
the interaction is limited.
III. Stagnation- No growth, no real decay, just still. Same old,
same old is now a little too old. Nothing seems to change, and your feelings are suspended mid-air, almost.
IV. Avoidance - **The Point of No Return** You physically go
out of your way to avoid your partner. Being in the same room, perhaps living in the same home, becomes an impossibility as
you become more likely to engage in bitter, heated arguments.
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Not all relationships are meant to be
to do when the lows outweigh the highs
Not all relationships are meant to be. And it's much
better to admit when it's run its course rather than squeeze out every last drop. If you've decided to call it a day then
play fair and let your partner down honestly but gently. A definite goodbye will hurt but it will be easier all round if you
are clear that the relationship is over.
Give some thought to how you are going to end the relationship.
There are right ways and wrong ways and, although you may no longer care for the other person, don't humiliate or embarrass
them. You liked them once and they deserve better. Think how you would like to be treated if the situation was reversed. You
cannot be sure how they will react, and it may not be pretty, but knowing that you dealt with it decently will mean you won't
be dwelling on your bad behaviour later on.
Some choose to end a relationship by text or email:
before doing this, imagine how you would feel if somebody let you down in this way. It's difficult to break bad news but there
is less confusion and upset if you give the other person a chance to air their thoughts back to you rather than delivering
a one-way message. You don't have to get into a post-relationship analysis, and don't let them talk you round if you're sure
finishing is the best thing, but face-to-face or over the phone shows a little more guts and respect.
If you opt to end it to their face then do consider
where you'll do it. A public place may not be the best option if you think the other person is going to start crying or creating
a scene; although if you are scared that they will take it very badly then you may feel safer with other people around.
It can be confusing if the person you thought you were
seeing has simply stopped contacting you. The hardest thing about this kind of break up is not knowing what's going on. If
your partner has quietly skulked off then you may end up making excuses for them: don't kid yourself that because you haven't
verbally split up your relationship must still be okay. Be brave, pick up the phone and find out what's going on for sure.
You don't deserve to be ignored! If the news is bad, at least you know where you stand and can move on. Asking or not asking
them is not going to change the way they feel about you, while avoiding this conversation is only delaying any heartache.
The end of a relationship can leave you feeling miserable,
even if you were the one doing the dumping.
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Top Tips for an Amicable Breakup
by Tigress Luv
If the two of you have children together, keep in mind that you will be in touch with each other until one of you dies. Never
let your children see hostility, animosity, or any other bad feeling flow between you and your ex. Do not exchange unkind
words with your ex in front of the children, and do not force your children to take sides. Never speak bad of your ex to your
children! Your children have the right to reap the benefits of a joyous childhood.
2. The way you handle your breakup
will make a huge impact on the rest of your life, and on any other future relationships you may have. If you have strong feelings
of worthlessness, anger, resentment, hopelessness, or the inability to accept the breakup, professional counselling may be
necessary to help you cope with and understand these emotions.
3. Realize that you are in complete control
of your responses and emotions to any situation. You have the ability to control your 'actions', simply by not allowing them
to become 'reactions'.
4. Allow your grief to happen.
Grief is not something you get over, it is something you get through. Cry if you feel sad. Punch your pillow. Call your mother,
your best friend, or a close colleague and wail away. They'll understand.
5. Understand that most of your
grief comes from the death of the dream of 'forever'. Replan your future and set some new and realistic goals to strive for.
6. Don't rush into dating again.
When you were in your relationship you gave 'pieces' of yourself to your mate and to your relationship. Wait until you have
regained all your pieces back before thinking about giving of yourself again in another relationship. Additionally, don't
introduce new dates to your children right away. Make sure you have a solid relationship with another person before bringing
them into your home and introducing them to your children. Children feel loss, too.
7. If you are getting a divorce,
try to talk with your soon-to-be-ex regarding divorce settlements and visitation rights outside of your lawyers. Peaceful
arrangements are much more rewarding to both you, your ex, and your children, than long, drawn-out and bitter divorces.
8. Take good care of your health.
I remember looking in the mirror a couple of months after my breakup and being shocked by the Zombie staring back at me. As
hard as it may be at this trying time, please try to eat healthy, get adequate rest, and plenty of exercise.
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Recognizing Sour Relationships
your relationship turned a bit...sour? Do you recognize any of these symptoms?
- Avoidance. Remember when you used to be each other's
best friends, and you two spent every minute together?
- Irritability. "I love you," once spoken softly, is
now "what the *#@& did you say to me?!" "Leave me alone!" "You make me sick!" "I've had it!" "Get off my back, will you!"
and even "I HATE YOU!"
- Silence. Oh, argh! How many of us haven't resorted
to the dreaded "silent treatment." We just clam up, stick our nose up in an apathetic air, and pretend like they don't even
exist - and, if they did exist, are not even worthy of our attention.
- Enlisting allies. Yes, we turn family members, friends,
co-workers, and acquaintances into our own personal army in our vendetta against them. We even view our therapists and counsellors
as potential enlistees.
- Threats. "I'm leaving you!" "I'll find another!" "Don't
make me hurt you!"
- Constant quarreling.
Bickering back and forth. Often times neither party can even remember what the fight was about.
of being unloved. The biggest sign of a deteriorating relationship is suddenly
noticing that you have become insecure. You feel neglected, unloved, unattractive, incompetent, and as though you could very
easily be replaced by another. Often you may feel defensive, as though you have been singled out for attack.
These are just some of the signs of a deteriorating
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There are certain signs that are present in almost every bad relationship
Chances are, if you're coming out of a relationship
that ended up in a breakup, that you had pre-breakup foresights for which you had subconsciously selected to ignore. There
are certain signs that are present in almost every bad relationship, sometimes we do not recognize them until after the relationship
is completely over, after the grieving has finally passed, and when we begin to realize that we actually are starting
to feel GOOD...in fact, we feel BETTER THAN EVER!
By going over this list, and being able to recognize the worst
traits and characteristics in your ex, you will be able to see exactly where you were heading in your relationship.
Friend, you deserve better than that!
Now many of you out there will say
"Absolutely not. Our relationship was GREAT, then out of the blue they broke up with me." While it may be likely that
this could have been the case, more than likely there were signs of an impending breakup that you chose to not acknowledge.
As I have stated before, these signs are often only recognizable once we are out of the relationship, moved passed the grief
and started the healing process. We all of a sudden feel this enormous sense of relief! Like the clouds have parted, a ray
of sunshine has sparked our souls and a heavy, leaden weight has been lifted off our backs. It is the most refreshing, cleansing,
truly wonderful feeling!
That is when you can honestly recognize
all those unheeded signs of your doomed relationship that you couldn't see before: Such as: Lack of energy and enthusiasm.
Discouragement. Irritability with friends, co-workers, and family members. Avoidance, or dread, in seeing your significant
other. Feelings that you gave more than you received. Being self-critical and suddenly lacking feelings of self-confidence.
Doubting your adequacy, intelligence, or performance when in the presence of your significant other. Unexplained uneasiness
or uncomfortable feelings when you were around your significant other. Feeling as if you were singled out for criticism, but
rarely, if ever, acknowledged for things you did well. Feeling as though you had to consistently defend your actions. Feelings
that your significant other purposely sponged up all the bad things about you, or your relationship--no matter how minute,
no matter if your ex even had to invent problems. Feelings of resentment that others got better treatment, more respect, more
time, and/or more positive attention than you from your significant other. Difficulty thinking straight, or focusing on your
job. Frequent physical illnesses such as colds, flus, upset stomach, or headaches. Subconscious , or conscience, obsessive
habits such as nail biting, over-eating, obsessive dieting, drinking, or drugs. Constant feelings of being forced to take
the defense, the need to point out your side and point of view. Sudden, unexplained jealousy over inanimate, insignificant
, or unwarranted objects such as his sports game, her hobbies, his interests, his friends, her family, or even their
Hell, doesn't it feel good to be rid of
(Click here for more warning signs of the end of a relationship.)
Identifying your ex (and yourself).
The JUDGE. Continuously complains, advises,
and finds fault.
The VICTIM. Sits on his pity-pot, wracked
with sympathy for his "woe is me" life.
The KILLJOY. Constant spoilsport. Pessimistic
The PULVERIZER. Insensitive, arrogant, appears
selfish, self-centered and extremely apathetic.
The NEWSMONGER. Rumors and gossip is this
The DIRECTOR. A total control freak.
The ILLUSIONIST. Truly a falseheart. Back
stabber. Tends to be two-faced, dishonest, and cunning.
The SNUB. Gives you the cold-shoulder. Aloof,
disengaged, and distant. Avoids contact.
The CONTENDER.Consistently competing. Takes
sides and keeps track tit for tat.
The OLYMPIC GAMER. Always striving for more,
never satisfied. Pushes themself to the limit. Tends to over-work.
The JERK. Arrogantly makes crude suggestions.
Flirtatious. Untrustworthy. Invading and harassing. Offensive. Unfaithful.
The SILLY PUTTY. Weak-kneed, mealymouthed.
Overly eager to please. Can change entire persona to meet another's expectations.
The GREEN-EYED OGRE. Rages with envy. Jealous,
The BANG. Highly explosive personality.
Seethes with rage. Easily riled.
The DOWNER. Constantly down-and-out. Needy.
Suffocating. Soaks up all you have to give, and rarely, if ever, gives anything back.
The JUDGE. Perfectionalistic. Driven. Bossy.
Judgmental. Superiority complex. Arrogant. Criticising. Draining. Instructing. Faultfinder. The Judge comes on as a know-it-all.
You will feel like you are constantly being scrutinized. Every fault or flaw that could possibly exist the JUDGE will find
it. The Judge tells you how to drive your car, how to change the baby, how to balance your checkbook, and even what clothes
to wear. They talk to you as if you were 8-years-old and incapable of understanding beyond a second-grade level. The Judge
complains about the way you clean, the way you do the laundry, the television programs you like. They drain you of your energy
and make you feel defeated and inadequate. The Judge calls all the shots in your relationship. Their constant criticism
will keep you on the defensive 24-seven. They are more like your boss, father, mother, or teacher, than your lover
or best friend. Living forever with this person would be similar to spending the rest of your life as an inadequate child.
The VICTIM. Defeatist attitude. Passive.
Self-blaming. Totally helpless. Irrational feelings of doom. Brooding. Gloomy. Worry wart. The VICTIM's life can tragically
collapse over the simplest of things, such as spilling a glass of milk or forgetting to close the garage door. The Vicyim
wallows in self-pity and pooh-poohs any advice of any kind. There is always a reason why a plan couldn't possibly work. The
Victim worries over EVERYTHING, and often has insomnia. They believe they are cursed. They often feel like
they are utterly helpless. The VICTIM wouldn't dare risk entering any confrontation, or competition, because they already
knows they would be defeated. Staying with the VICTIM will most assuredly drain you of every ounce of your energy. Your days
will be cloudy, and your nights will be the dark before the gloom. Your total essence will disappear as you slowly become
consumed from caring for this person.
The KILLJOY. Negative-minded. Cynicism.
Pessimistic. Discounting. Deflating. Critical. Despondent. Passively hopeless. Rejecting. The KILLJOY will break your spirit
and make you feel like "why bother?". They will thrive on bursting your bubble, or raining on your parade. If you want to
go back to school The Killjoy will point out a hundred reasons why it wouldn't work. If The Killjoy gets a promotion
they just know it's because their company is really planning on going under next spring. You most assuredly won't be
able to enjoy a night out at the movies because they think it's a stupid flick and, anyway, they just have
this nagging headache. You tend to hide your excitement over things because you know The Killjoy will deflate it in
a minute flat. Throw any idea at them and they most likely will find a reason why it won't work. Living with this person would
be like trudging through a maze of endless, wearisome dead-ends. Pretty soon your smile will fade and your shoulders will
droop. And most assuredly all hope will fade and you will eventually lose your ability to dream. Staying with this person
will guarantee you a life of sadness, misery, and drudgery.
The PULVERIZER. Bullying. Arrogant. Know-it-all.
Self-righteous. Authoritive. Fiercely independent. Blaming others, not responsible for their own actions. Condescending. Users.
Makes friends, or seeks out only those people, that may have something that The PULVERIZER thinks may be gainful to themself.
Discards others needs or wants. Boisterous. Obstinate. Stubborn. Offensive and rude. Ignorant. The Pulverizer will always
be in the drivers seat, and if you don't jump in quickly they will run right over you. They are insensitive and
will cut you to the bone with their rude insults. They are loud and often embarrassing. You feel that The Pulverizer
doesn't really need you for anything, and you often feel unimportant, unappreciated, and easily replaceable. The Pulverizer
tends to seek out and befriend only those for whom they believe may benefit them in their own personal gain. You tend
to go out of your way to please this person. You feel they are overly judgmental of you and you often feel like a child
around them. You have never won an argument, nor convinced this person that their point of view is not always necessarily
the ONLY point of view. You are convinced that at any time this person could drop you like a hot potato and never look back.
Their sports are more important than you. Their friends are too. And their hobbies. Their dog. Their car. Living with The
PULVERIZER is the worst possible place to spend your life. You will never be right, never be special, and never be important.
It's highly unlikely that this person will even notice you are there. You will spend your life hiding in the background, waiting
and hoping that The PULVERIZER comes out of 'themself 'and notices you there. You will live all week long for that one-second
of acknowledgement that The Pulverizer gives you, usually its just a pat on the head ( like you were a good-little-doggy)
but by this time you are so starved for attention and acknowledgment that that one pat can melt your heart like an island
of velvety roses.
The NEWSMONGER. Gossips. Talks too much.
Nosy and intrusive. Lies for no apparent reason. Enjoys destroying others. Plastic and superficial. Self-righteous. The NEWSMONGER
will always air every detail of your relationship to all those who will listen. You will feel as though there is nothing sacred
or intimate left between you. They are so involved in everyone else's life they have no real clue as to what
is actually going on in their own. The Newsmonger belittles you to others, and others to you. You feel you cannot trust
them. You always feel like they are keeping a secret from you. If you live with The NEWSMONGER odds are you will never
feel like you have a best friend, or confident in this person. You will never be able to share with this person your deepest
feelings or emotions. You will feel denied the pleasure of having anyone to turn to, or lean on, and you will end up feeling
alone and resentful. This person will never know how to have fun, and will only enjoy themself at the expense of yours and
other people's lives.
The DIRECTOR. Offensive. Obstinate, they
KNOW their way is the only right way. Intrusive. Obsessed with certain issues. Tries to change everyone around them. Demanding
perfection both from themselves and others. Low tolerance to normal human mistakes. Over critical. Sulking and self-centered.
Easily aggravated by unimportant issues. Demanding. Inflexible, and unyielding in their way of doing things. The DIRECTOR
is an obnoxious control-freak. They want things done their way and do not tolerate well anyone who chooses not to do it their
way. The DIRECTOR will constantly be angry with you for the most insignificant of things. They will tell you what utensil
to use when you are frying chicken. They will control the thermostat, the budget, the car maintenance schedule. The Director
decides when you go to bed, what television shows you watch, and where you will go on your vacation. The Director tells
you what to wear and whom you may associate with. They are the only one that knows how to do anything 'right' and
they will never delegate responsibility comfortably to any other living being. The Director obsesses with details and
tends to be overly picky. They have every aspect of your relationship on an agenda, including retirement, child-raising,
and residential locations. They have even scheduled your lovemaking. You are often taken back by their rude direct insults
to your dress style, housecleaning, job performance, or choice of friends. The director demands from their children,
much as a captain of a ship to his crew. Spending your life with The DIRECTOR would be like relinquishing your soul to them.
There will be no negotiation in this type of relationship. It will always be their way or the highway. They will try to control
every aspect of your life, leaving you with no self-respect, feelings of personal accomplishment, independence, or peace of
The ILLUSIONIST. What you see is not what
you get. The ILLUSIONIST is a backstabber. They are deceitful. Conniving. Revengeful. The Illusionist is prone to
a passive-aggressive type of personality that will most likely make you want to scream. Just when you think they are
smiling and supportive, you find out they are really resentful and angry. The Illusionist tends to be vindictive, and
you often feel as though you've been betrayed. You find that you can't ever feel comfortable or trust this person. You feel
like they could and would walk all over you if it meant they were attaining their own goals. If you spend your life with
this person you most likely will be constantly watching your back. There is an old saying that goes "sleep with your eyes
open". Living with the The ILLUSIONIST will base importance on that saying. You will never be able to relax and feel safe
or comfortable with this person.
The SNUB. They are impersonal. Indifferent.
Excluding.Withdrawn and secretive. Often gives you the cold-shoulder or silent treatment. Shows an apparent lack of emotion.
Unresponsive. Rejecting. The SNUB shows little personal interest in your life. You feel as though they are pushing you
away or trying to brush you off. The Snub tends to be cliquish. You often feel rejected, and held at arms-length. They
tend to withdraw from you and you find you cannot depend on them for anything. They are unresponsive to your needs and
wants. Living with this person means living a lonely existence, where you are consistently on the begging end of the relationship.
You need and crave love, acceptance, and attention and The SNUB will not be able to deliver those vital needs to you. You
will always be wondering what you did wrong and never truly will you feel like you belong or fit in this person's life.
The CONTENDER. Competitive and overly ambitious.
Assertive. Envious. Relentless in their pursuit of a goal. Workaholic. An individualist who considers themself apart from
all others. Always trying to one-up on others. Grandstanding and boastful. Strategically plans their life as if it were one
great big chess game. Tries to win through intimidation. Poor loser. You consistently feel that you have to impress The CONTENDER.
They never celebrate your successes but yet you must repeatedly listen to their constant barrages of every achievement they have
ever made. They keep score of who has done what in your relationship. Being in a relationship with The CONTENDER is like running
a marathon. You will never win an argument. You will never achieve the same level as 'their greatness'. They will wear you
out and intimidate you. You eventually will lose your own identity, and subconsciously succumb to their constant demand for
acknowledgement of their performances and accomplishments. If you write a short story they will one-up you by writing a novel.
You will most likely feel empty after sex with this person, as they inevitably will make sex into an olympic accomplishment
of their stamina and expertise, and less an act of love and sharing. You will forever spend your life in intimidation, forcing
praises of their accomplishments. Life with this person will be lonely and exhausting, living in the frigid cold of their
The OLYMPIC GAMER is much like The CONTENDER.
They are a tireless workhorse. Driven. Smug in their expertise of certain matters. Never satisfied, always striving for
more. Impatient and demanding. Over reacts to their own failures or shortcomings. Restless and agitated. Intimidating. As
with The CONTENDER, The OLYMPIC GAMER will wear you out. They will bring their job home from work and you will feel as though
you have disappeared into the background. They will ignore you and throw themself into activities, work, or outside hobbies
with a vengeance. The OLYMPIC GAMER never seems to be able to relax and you constantly feel uncomfortable, as though you need
to entertain them, amuse them, or keep their activity level at a high. You feel like they look down their nose at you for
not being as driven. Living your life with this person will be like living in a continuous roller coaster of upheaval and
commotion. You will never feel like you can relax. You will feel unimportant and left-out. In the end you will feel defeated
and exhausted from trying to please The OLYMPIC GAMER.
The JERK. Sly. Vain. Overly flirtatious.
Always needs to be in the spotlight. Zeroes in on your vulnerability. Power hungry. Opportunistic. Flattering. Over conscious
of their clothing attire and image. Flashy. No doubt if you have lived with The JERK you have caught them in the act of lustful
leering. They may or may not have confessed to numerous affairs but you can never really quite feel like they are, or
have been, monogamous. When out together with this person you subconsciously scan the room for other members of the
opposite sex so you can immediately sum up your competition and know who to watch for. They call every member of the
opposite sex that they have ever met by their first name. Even if it was only briefly at the Quickie Mart. You sometimes
feel embarrassed or offended by their inappropriate remarks of you or others. Living with this person would be like falling
asleep on the edge of a cliff. You will never feel safe, comfortable, or good enough. You will feel like you have to constantly
measure up, and their need for attention and affirmation will be exhausting. That nagging feeling that they might leave you
for another will drain your smile and leave you feeling unloved, unattractive, and insecure. You will never feel quite good
enough, as this person will suck the life out of you in their constant search for approval and attention.
The SILLY PUTTY. Superagreeable. Undependable.
Overly attached. Compliant. Insecure. Self-blaming. Zeroing in on innocent criticism. Plastic and superficial. Phony. They are
like a chameleon that will often change to suit their surroundings. Chances are if you are living with The SILLY PUTTY you
sometimes wonder if they have a mind of their own. You feel like you have become this he-is-she unified creature. You
find you have to constantly reassure them of your love . You carefully select your words before you speak because they are
overly sensitive, taking things way to personally, and they get 'hurt feelings' easily. They are just too damn agreeable
and it makes you want to scream. Just once you want an assertive PERSON in bed that is wild with desire for you. Living your
life with The SILLY PUTTY would be like living your life in love with yourself. This person has no identity or mind of their
own. They have no character. They laugh if you think it's funny. They dislike broccoli because you dislike
it. They never make decisions. They'll promise you anything because they are super agreeable, let they never deliver.
You cannot rely on them for anything. You will begin to feel suffocated. You will never be able to sit back in the passenger
seat and enjoy the ride, because you will always do the driving. Basically this person is silly putty, absorbing the image
of all those they come in contact with.
The GREEN-EYED OGRE. Unsupportive and hurtful.
Always angry. Overly competitive. Greedy. Insecure. Low self-esteem. Jealous. Insulting. The GREEN-EYED OGRE constantly compares
themself to others. You will find them demeaning , unsupportive, or belittling of your accomplishments. In time you will learn
to hide your accomplishments. They find fault in your job, your successes, your accomplishments, your dress style, etc. They
tend to be overly boastful of their accomplishments, and they never let you forget them. The GREEN-EYED OGRE is insecure
and non-trusting. They accuse you having affairs outside of the relationship and can dwell on this possibility for endless
hours. If you are five-minutes late they demand to know where you were. The GREEN-EYED OGRE insults and cuts down your friends,
family, and coworkers. Living with this person will be like walking on eggshells. The GREEN-EYED OGRE can be intimidating
and scary. The GREEN-EYED OGRE can often turn physically abusive because they feel the need to 'put you back in your place',
which, of course, is beneath them.
The BANG. Emotionally unstable. Questioning
of others motives, cynical. Overly critical. Untrusting. Rude, sometimes making callous comments to others that you find embarrassing.
Revengeful. Plotting. Selfish. If you do The BANG wrong, even unintentionally, you can most assuredly expect them to 'get
back at you'. You are afraid of this person's temper and it doesn't take much to make them explode and send them into a rampage.
You find The BANG has very little empathy for others, and often thinks that people are out to get them. They often have
a short fuse and the slightest of setbacks can make this person dangerously explosive. The BANG tends to not trust you and
is often suspicious of your actions. They question where you were and who you were with. You have caught them going through
your drawers, your purse, your wallet, your pockets, your personal journal. Living with this person would be
a life of non-stop tension. You will never be able to relax and will subconsciously find yourself sugar-coating everything
you say less you set them off. You will find yourself purposely hiding things from them because you just know "they wouldn't
understand". You will be scared to go out with your friends after work, or defy their demands.
The DOWNER. Clingy. Needy. Suffocating.
Scared. Guilt-inducing. Consumed by themselves and their own needs. Stifling. Crisis-orientated. The DOWNER can drag you down.
You sometimes feel like they are attached to you at the hip and you start to feel suffocated. You feel like they are sponging
the life right out from you. Your relationship with The DOWNER never seems to be heading anywhere. You feel guilty when you
say no to The DOWNER. Living with The DOWNER will be liking surrendering your total existence to keeping their head above
water. They will always have a crisis. They will never notice you or your life as they are so totally absorbed in their
own problems. The DOWNER can't be left alone for one minute, and the minute you walk in the door their helplessness will
consume your every nerve. They will drain you, slowly, inch by inch, until you feel you have nothing left to give, then
The DOWNER will work on your sense of guilt making you feel like the lowest creature-form on this planet for abandoning
them in their hour of need. Every hour is an hour of need to them. They feel they have one constant crisis after another
and they may cling to you. If you are looking for a knight in shining armour you better look the other way, you'll never
find it in The DOWNER.
Most of us will find some similarities either
with our own selves, or our exes, and some of the characters listed above. Some of our exes may have only a few of those traits,
but I bet that the majority of us can pick out one, or two, particular characters above that sums up our exes to
a tee. (Mine was The PULVERIZER.) I hope that if you found yourself decribed in any of the above that you will seek
ways to improve upon yourself. (Please see tips/links for emotional health and self-help at Verve! Online)
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Improve Your Communication Skills
by Geri Forsberg, Phd
Can you imagine what your life would be like if you
couldn't communicate? That means no tone of voice, no body language or facial expressions, no words, no alphabet. Nothing.
Effective skills in communication are necessary to
maintain and increase the quality of our lives and our relationships. If we can't communicate effectively, we will be led
in a direction we don't want to go. We all have misunderstandings within our relationships. And it would be very easy to become
confused, frustrated and disappointed simply because we are unable to communicate appropriately.
Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by
understanding the principles of communication, and the pitfalls we encounter.
When we know and understand the process of communication,
we can actively implement the principles, hone our skills, avoid the problems and become the effective communicators that
we all desire to be.
The language we use to symbolize reality is incomplete.
We will always leave something out when we're retelling
a story because we can never say everything about something. And the words we choose to describe something are not reality.
They are our understanding of reality.
Do you remember the telephone game from elementary
school? One child whispered a message to the next, who then passed it on down the line. By the time the message was spoken
aloud at the end of its trip, it varied immensely. Why? Because each child understood the message differently and passed on
what she thought were the important details.
How do we avoid the pitfall of miscommunicating reality?
Be careful in the words you choose. Be sure they symbolize
what you really mean. And when you're communicating with someone, ask questions to clarify what the person really intends
to say. If you are unsure about what your colleague means when he tells you he doesn't feel well, ask. Find out what his reality
What do you do if someone gets angry at you and says,
"You're all alike. I just can't stand it." The simplest and most natural thing to do is to react because she is angry. But
imagine what would happen if you ask a simple question like, "What do you mean, we're all alike? What can't you stand?" Those
questions and a few extra minutes allows the angry person to elaborate on her sentiments and inform you directly what is the
matter. Then you can respond more appropriately.
We all see the world differently.
How we encounter the world has been influenced by who
we are, our backgrounds, our education, our values and beliefs, our needs, positions, jobs, and more. In other words, we each
see the world through our own set of lenses.
To become better at communicating, and to understand
others' perceptions, we need to ask questions. We need to listen. Learn to delay your reaction until you have more information
so you don't form inaccurate assumptions.
In the real world everything is extremely complex.
With language, we simplify it by categorizing our words and ideas, and often the categories are either/or opposites.
In the process of simplifying things, we omit details,
forget differences, ignore uniquenesses, and eliminate the various levels of meaning. When we view life through such a narrow
spectrum, thinking that life is as simple as an "either/or" situation, communication breakdowns are bound to occur.
So, to guard against these pitfalls, we need to develop
an open mind with each other and within our relationships. If you believe that reality is as simple as hot or cold, then you
can only accept someone and accept what they say or you have to reject that person and reject what they say. However, if you
have an open mind, you have more options.
In the real world everything occurs within a context.
We have probably all been misunderstood or had misunderstandings
when something has been taken out of its original context.
Although we don't fully understand how much our environment
influences us, we need to consider that when we communicate. We must be able to understand the context of our own communication.
And we must understand that every message we receive has its own context. By understanding these foundational principles of
communication, we can avoid and even solve our communication woes.
With those principles in mind, here are five things
you can begin to do today to help you become a better communicator:
- Ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a
person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out what she really means.
- Listen. To become a better communicator, you must
be willing to listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.
- Observe and be willing to verify the information you
- Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it.
By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding
- Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If
your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if
you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's not love.
Take some time to think about a specific communication
problem (difficulty, challenge) you have had recently or in the past.
- In a few sentences, describe the problem.
- In what environment (context) did this communication
problem occur? (home, extended family, workplace, other)
- Was the communication problem resolved? If so, was
it resolved to everyone's satisfaction? How was the communication problem resolved?
- What principles of communication could help you with
this situation or other communication challenges in the future?
Now ask yourself some tough questions about how you
- Am I seeking to understand the person?
- Am I listening and really hearing what he is saying?
- Am I expressing my own point of view so she understands
what I mean?
- Is there anything I'm doing in my nonverbal communication
(tone of voice, body language, etc.) that I don't intend to communicate?
- Am I making a quick judgement without examining the
- Am I trying to see things from many different angles
or am I just looking at things in an either/or fashion?
- Am I adjusting my own communication patterns to suit
the person I'm dealing with?
Developing your communication skills and abilities
is a lifelong process. Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. You can learn to be
a more effective communicator by:
- Observing and imitating excellent communicators.
- Learning from your own and others' mistakes.
- Developing a conscious awareness of communication
habits, patterns, styles, strengths, weaknesses.
- Applying principles of effective communication.
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That Really Improves Relationships
Communication is something we all know is necessary
to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of communication, we still seem to
be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. This does not mean you are clueless as a person, but it does
mean that more attention is required on your part, so that you can become more open and invite the many forms of communication
that exist, so that you will be able to understand yourself and your partner much better. There is nothing that keeps a relationship
healthy, better than understanding and once you start becoming more familiar with your communicating styles, as well as your
partners, you will be able to work better as a team in making the best of your relationship.
The first step in achieving better communication that
will really work, is to take a look at you first. People always tend to turn to their partner first when things are not running
so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well
as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on your particular situation, but it is important
that you take the responsibility in reviewing your own actions and communication first, before you can point anything out
in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other people's mistakes, but when it comes to looking at you, it is much
harder to accept criticism, even from yourself- because no one wants to be wrong. This is where you need to get real about
things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other's
perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.
Get winning out of your mind. So many couples claim
to have tried communication, but it does not seem to work. If this is your case, then the best thing would be to slow down,
calm down and take a few steps back. Perhaps communication is not working for your relationship, but what method of communication
are you using? You see, communication itself cannot be the problem or the ineffective ingredient, because communication is
the main key to a healthy relationship, so it must be the way you and your partner are communicating. When you or your partner
talks to each other, do one or both of you talk to win the conversation, or to actually reach a level of understanding of
each other's needs and wants? Believe it or not, it is very common for people to focus on being right and trying to convince
their partner of seeing things their way, instead of just sharing what they think and feel so their partner can understand
what they mean and what they need.
Listening is so important if you truly wish to accomplish
good communication that will improve your relationship. Are you really listening to what your partner is saying to you, or
are you waiting to get things off you chest and make your points? Listening may sound like an easy enough thing to do, but
many confuse it with hearing. Hearing what your partner is saying versus listening to them, are indeed very different. Listening
involves true dedication and your full attention to the words your partner is serving to you, as well as the tones and expressions
that go along with those words. Listening means that you are interested in learning more about what your partner is making
an effort to tell you and making the emotional connection needed in order to achieve your relationship goals together. Keep
in mind that when in a relationship, all communication between partners has to be open, honest, non-judgmental and patient,
if you are to succeed and maintaining a happy and healthy relationship.
Communication is not so complicated, once you
understand what the right way communicating is, and of course- what methods of communication works for you and your communication
best. Effective communication cannot happen on it's own or with the efforts of only one person. Both you and your partner
have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving the way you communicate, so that you both can enhance your relationship
skills and build a relationship where you both will have an understanding of who you are as individuals and what you both
need and want. Just remember to stay real with yourself and avoid painting a foggy and falsified picture- so that you will
never be caught off guard with nay-painful surprises or stressful misunderstandings.
Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert
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Letting go of
a broken relationship that does not nourish us: the why and how
Most people have relationships
in their past that didn't work. Most people have one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This type of a relationship
will be covered in the next two columns.Finally we left the relationship. We knew we deserve better than just
some percentage of what we wanted. But the attachment to our ex-partner lingers. It lingers because we never succeeded in
making them fulfill our needs completely. This means we failed. It also lingers because we are angry that they had what we
wanted and would not give it to us. For an explanation of the dynamic around the sense of failure please see column #1.
There are two points to look at when we can not let go of a relationship in
our past. When our partner was at their best, they met all of our needs. They were a perfect fit for us in our mind. If they
could be the way they were with us 100% of the time, rather then 10% or 20 %, we would be in love forever. The times that
they were everything we needed are very hard to let go of. We have been looking for that kind of a match all of our lives.
was a person who could meet our needs the way we wanted. We knew they could, because they had. But they wouldn't. We wanted
to make them. We did everything possible to make them be the way we wanted them to be 100% percent of the time. We sent them
to therapy, we talked to them. We used all of the tricks in the book to evoke the behaviors we craved.
Let's talk about the
issues of anger. Have you ever been in a situation when someone has something you want but won't give it to you? As far as
you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It may look like they are not doing what you want for no reason, just
to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in that kind of a situation? Most people would feel very angry, at least
initially. They may also find that their mind will go over the situation again and again. Same thing happens in relationships.
Because your partner had what you wanted, could clearly provide it, and yet did not, you find you are angry. You may also
find you are repetitively thinking about him or her. Anger is a great way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive
way. When we are angry at something or someone it overtakes our whole life, it becomes our god. Anger will permeate every
interaction and activity we are involved in. This is one reason we find our past relationships hard to let go of.All this pulls at our heart. It throws us back in to the dynamic of anger. It also catapults us in to grief. The grief
is about a relationship that has died with a person that we truly love who is alive. It is so much easier to let go of someone
when it is clear they don't care about us. It may even be easier to let go of someone that dies, because there is nothing
that can be done. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and loves us is an incredible task. Yet let go we must if
our partner is not willing to meet our needs. And if we are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, we must complete with
our past partner.
is also another reason why it's hard to let go of this type of a relationship. It is possible that the person we were involved
with truly had great qualities. Perhaps with them we had truly an incredible connection. Maybe they loved us even more than
we loved them. They may still love us. The only problem in the relationship was that they could only love a part of the time.
The rest of the time, they acted hurtfully toward us. And yet it is very difficult to discount and throw away the connection
that we had. It is even more difficult if they are still in our circle of friends. And more difficult still when we interact
with the wonderful, caring side of them.
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Why Do We Hurt the One We Love?
One of the most common (and most frustrating) relationship
dynamics that we hear about is couples who feel emotionally wounded by each other on a regular basis. They both love each
other, and want to stay together, yet they keep hurting each other through verbal abuse, physical rejection, taking each other
for granted, betraying emotional trust, or bringing up the most vulnerable topics from their partner's past. This is a such
a common phenomenon that it became the focus of the famous 1944 song by Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher, "You Always Hurt the
One You Love", with this bizarre last line: "So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." Huh?
That's clearly not love.
Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several
1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma
- we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities
around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive
or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our
partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness,
and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable
with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.
Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a
person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can't get the love from our original parent or caretaker,
the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded
by. We'll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking
nature of our emotional baggage.
But what we may not realize though, is that this person
that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial
infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when
they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded
again. Only now it's worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because
they 'love us most of all', but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.
2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate
our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change
that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our
culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in
a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer
expressing anger or control when they are really scared.
So what can we do to stop hurting the one we
love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to
learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where
we genuinely listen and validate our partners' experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us
closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we
trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed
relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other's lives. We need to treat that as a
sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.
We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate
relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly.
We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we
cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious
and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose
to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves
has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that
needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally,
more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners' wounds as well, because
we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring
to our lives
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Relationship Break Up
Relationship break up can be tough to deal with. If
your relationship has become serious, but you can't decide if your heart is in it for the long haul, ask yourself the following
questions to make sense of the situation.
Time Required: 30 minutes
1. Does the good outweigh the bad?
a list of all the things you like about your partner versus things that could doom the relationship . Don't just see which list is longer. Instead decide
which items are most important on each list and determine if you can live with the negatives.
2. Will you achieve long-term happiness?
yourself with this person one year from now, five years, ten years, fifty years. Do you foresee a future of happiness or constant heartache?
3. Is anybody else out there?
colleagues, friends, acquaintances, anyone in your circle of contacts. Do you deep down prefer one of these people over your
current partner? Do you value the chance to
meet someone new over sticking it out?
4. Does your partner put you first?
he or she at least treat you equally? If not, you may be in for disappointment down the road.
5. Do you ultimately trust your partner?
you have major character questions and trust issues, this is a clear indication that the relationship either needs major work
or should be ended.
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Essense of Infidelity
By Susan Sheppard
On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities.
I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other’s
philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there
are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The
cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.
Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship.
What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know
that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by
the woman’s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament
dictated by an affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus
of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically
presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would
be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the
reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity?
Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because
they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched,
culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to
mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.
I believe that some people get married for love, some
for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for
parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects
adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for
passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don’t presume to have all the answers, but
possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love
and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially
when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the
person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that
totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you
can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love
conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and
decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries
that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time,
but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles
(that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes
it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe
to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce
results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him
as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex
as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s
pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage
presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level
of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding
sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are
responsive to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So here’s what happens. Women get pregnant.
Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women
become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts,
which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also
feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking
has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some
time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people
do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair
begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at
work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a
flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person
then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they
are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends,
is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite
sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.
The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding
ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the
incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work by itself. It takes two
people who pay attention to each other’s needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other.
It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary
to be honest about their personal needs.
What should be done about reversing this destructive
trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if
the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want
and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished
by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably
make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board
before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?
Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com
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There are exceptions to every law...but very few.
The Most Basic Law of Respect in Sex
Whoever is going the fastest
must slow down and go as slow as the slowest one, or there can be no healthy progress. Breaking that law is called date-rape.
The person doing it often calls the victim frigid. The consequences of breaking the law range from alienation to a prison
Some other assorted laws....
- The more friendship you give - the more romance you'll get.
- The more romance you give - the more friendship you'll get.
- The more certain you are - the less certain they become.
- The less certain you are - the more certain they become.
- The slower you go - the better it takes.
If romance is giving you more pain than pleasure for longer than a month, either
you're doing something wrong or you're doing it with the wrong one. Change something now.
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The Eight Faces of Infatuation. It is appropriate for this time of year because besides the spring,
when love is in the air, the holidays are the time single people are most likely to be on the prowl for a significant other.
Eric Orner skillfully describes, pictorially of course, each of the stages of infatuation.
1. Wanting – there
he is, in all his glory. The man of your dreams just walked into Starbucks looking like the angel sent from heaven that he
is. Tall, dark, handsome and he knows how to order a Double Tall Sugar-Free Peppermint Organic Non Fat Two Splenda Mocha like
a pro! He shoots you a smile that makes your heart melt like chocolate on Smores over a campfire. You want him and if someone
has to die for you to get him – well, sometimes sacrifices must be made.
2. Needing – It isn’t that
you really want him; you need him. With a smile like that, how could your family not love him and accept him (and your relationship)
over the Thanksgiving turkey. Not to mention that his picture could finally replace that old magazine clipping you had skillfully
filled the “Perfect Boyfriend” frame with so many years ago. He had you at “are you using the cinnamon”
– the first words he ever spoke directly to you while making eye contact. Let’s face it, he completes you!
Lusting – Not only is he the perfect man on paper, in the coffee shop, and at your family’s house, but he is clearly
the object of your nighttime fantasies. Just the thought of his gorgeous shoulders, perfect pecs, chiseled jaw line, and spectacular
butt stirs the manliness inside you and more than once! If only he knew how you longed for him and lusted for him he would
welcome the explosive, sensational, and mind blowing sex you dreamed you two could have every night!
4. Longing –
Though lusting is time consuming and not unpleasant, it does get a little lonely spending every night at the coffee shop waiting
for him to come in. Especially when he can only see you every other time. After all if he knew that you thought of him, daydreamed
of him, planned your future with him every second of the day he wouldn’t confuse your love with stalking… but
better safe than sorry.
5. Hungering – Well somewhere after lusting and longing your need for this man finally
becomes a thirst that must be quenched and a feeling deep in the pit of your gut that, if not fulfilled, will eventually eat
away at you. So you meet him and just like in your fantasy it is explosive, mind blowing, and hungry animalistic sex. The
throes of passion are literally throws, tosses, turns, twists, acrobatics, even some yoga-like tantric positions that even
you never thought you could do. It is, simply, the best ever.
6. Pining – You only thought you were thinking
about him too much before. Now it is twice every second of the day. “I love him, I think…” “I miss
him so much.” “That is crazy you barely know this guy.” “But he is so fine and so good in bed.”
“Not to mention how great he looks in a sweater.” “Or out of a sweater!” Like Sybil, your split personality
converses back and forth, contemplating your future, your next encounter, and what the heck his last name was. But no matter
what, you must have him again and again and again.
7. Clinging – You had a good run. Sex with this guy was beyond
belief all twelve times you did it in four days. But he isn’t really “into dating” and maybe you can “hook
up again sometime.” All of a sudden tears well up in your eyes and you throw yourself in front of the door. Doesn’t
he know how much you care? That you are knitting him a stocking so he doesn’t feel left out on Christmas morning at
your parent’s house? Could he even be serious? Over? Before it had even begun? Same old story you have heard a hundred
times: Boy meets boy. Boy has mind boggling crazy-awesome sex with boy. Boy gets dumped. Boy begs to be given a chance but
boy leaves again. Boy stalks boy. Boy gets slapped with a restraining order. The vicious cycle goes on and on.
Denying – The saddest part of all, denial. Not just a long river my friends. He must love you; he can’t really
want you to stay at least 200 feet away from him at all times. Can he really think that is “his Starbucks?” Yes
my friend, it is over and you aren’t letting go. Get your latte someplace else from now on and for the love of Peter,
Paul, and Mary, be more careful next time!
So this holiday season, no matter if you are dealing with the eight faces
of infatuation, the six stages of love, the five phases of a break up, the four crazy in-laws, the three wicked step children,
the two insane exes (who are now a couple), or one loveable partner, remember that life is too short not to enjoy whatever
is on your plate.
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