So many men (and women) ask me, "Shawn, here is my situation... is it over?" Well, once and for all, let it be clear that if you have experienced any of the following 10 scenarios, then it is a clear-cut sign that the fat lady has sung and Elvis has left the building.

10. She got a new  phone number
"(out of service dial tone) You have reached 555-O-V-E-R, the girl you are trying to reach is making it painfully clear that things are finished, so please stop calling before she releases the hounds on you."

If she suddenly changes her number and never forwards you the new one, then maybe, just maybe, she has moved on and prefers leaving you where you are. And if she forwards you to her voice mail after answering the call, then you should take the sign and run.

9. The chemistry is gone
She used to rave about the chemistry that you two shared. But now, you are out of sync and out of touch. It's like you are having different conversations with one another. Restaurants are devoid of chitchat, and dates are spent in movie theaters so you don't have to speak to one another (unless it's to pass the popcorn).

8. She now plays for the other team
It's not your fault... of course not. Regardless, she now plays in the other team's lineup and has become your competition and you didn't even see it coming. All of a sudden, she is checking out the women more than the men.

7. She moved... without telling you
You show up at her place only to realize that she no longer resides there. Apparently, she moved and "forgot" to let you know where she was going. Like the  phone number example above, this is probably one of the most blatant signs that you too should move on. Do not stalk her and do not pursue her, set your sights on new fish. If you lived with her and she moved out without telling you, well...

6. She just doesn't care
Whether it's because she no longer finds those annoying habits of yours cute, doesn't care when you screw up, doesn't care about what you like, or gives the flowers you bought to her mother, you know that things have changed. And to top it all off, she religiously begins going to the gym all of a sudden.

5. Your pictures disappear from her room
In the final days, you notice that your shrine has been losing some luster; the picture frames in her room are gathering dust. With time, you realize that the frames are gone and the pictures have been put to rest. You are nothing but a distant memory in her shoebox.

4. She prefers hanging out with others
Although you used to hang out, eat together and live as one, she now opts to hang out with someone else. You have moved from priority numero uno to a has-been. It may hurt, but it's time to realize that your services are no longer required.

3. She said "it's over"
If the girl explicitly tells you that she no longer wants you, do not try to decipher it any other way. It doesn't mean she's tired, hormonal or unsure. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and tastes like a duck...

2. She "forgot" your birthday
Whether or not you have forgotten her birthday in the past, this year she forgot yours. Two things are possible: either you messed up so bad in her eyes that she could not bring herself to saying "happy birthday," or she is sending the loudest message that she is now dancing to another tune, which sounds more like "I Will Survive".

Recognizing Sour Relationships

Has your relationship turned a bit...sour? Do you recognize any of these symptoms?

• Avoidance. Remember when you used to be each other's best friends, and you two spent every minute together?
• Irritability. "I love you," once spoken softly, is now "what the *#@& did you say to me?!" "Leave me alone!" "You make me sick!" "I've had it!" "Get off my back, will you!" and even "I HATE YOU!"
• Silence. Oh, argh! How many of us haven't resorted to the dreaded "silent treatment." We just clam up, stick our nose up in an apathetic air, and pretend like they don't even exist  - and, if they did exist, are not even worthy of our attention.
• Enlisting allies. Yes, we turn family members, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances into our own personal army in our vendetta against them. We even view our therapists and counsellors as potential enlistees.
• Threats. "I'm leaving you!" "I'll find another!" "Don't make me hurt you!"
• Constant quarreling. Bickering back and forth. Often times neither party can even remember what the fight was about.
• Feelings of being unloved. The biggest sign of a deteriorating relationship is suddenly noticing that you have become insecure. You feel neglected, unloved, unattractive, incompetent, and as though you could very easily be replaced by another. Often you may feel defensive, as though you have been singled out for attack.

Chances are, if you're coming out of a relationship that ended up in a breakup, that you had pre-breakup foresights for which you had subconsciously selected to ignore. There are certain signs that are present in almost every bad relationship, sometimes we do not recognize them until after the relationship is completely over, after the grieving has finally passed, and when we begin to realize that we actually  are starting to feel GOOD...in fact, we feel BETTER THAN EVER!

By  going over this list, and being able to recognize the worst traits and characteristics in your ex, you will be able to see exactly where you were heading in your relationship. Friend, you deserve better than that!

Now many of you out there will say "Absolutely not. Our relationship was GREAT, then out of the blue they broke up with me." While it  may be likely that this could have been the case, more than likely there were signs of an impending breakup that you chose to not acknowledge. As I have stated before, these signs are often only recognizable once we are out of the relationship, moved passed the grief and started the healing process. We all of a sudden feel this enormous sense of relief! Like the clouds have parted, a ray of sunshine has sparked our souls and a heavy, leaden weight has been lifted off our backs. It is the most refreshing, cleansing, truly wonderful feeling!

That is when you can honestly recognize all those unheeded signs of your doomed relationship that you couldn't see before: Such as: Lack of energy and enthusiasm. Discouragement. Irritability with friends, co-workers, and family members. Avoidance, or dread, in seeing your significant other. Feelings that you gave more than you received. Being self-critical and suddenly lacking feelings of self-confidence. Doubting your adequacy, intelligence, or performance when in the presence of your significant other. Unexplained uneasiness or uncomfortable feelings when you were around your significant other. Feeling as if you were singled out for criticism, but rarely, if ever, acknowledged for things you did well. Feeling as though you had to consistently defend your actions. Feelings that your significant other purposely sponged up all the bad things about you, or your relationship--no matter how minute, no matter if your ex even had to invent problems. Feelings of resentment that others got better treatment, more respect, more time, and/or more positive attention than you from your significant other. Difficulty thinking straight, or focusing on your job. Frequent physical illnesses such as colds, flus, upset stomach, or headaches. Subconscious , or conscience, obsessive habits such as nail biting, over-eating, obsessive dieting, drinking, or drugs. Constant feelings of being forced to take the defense, the need to point out your side and point of view. Sudden, unexplained jealousy over inanimate, insignificant , or unwarranted objects such as his sports game, her hobbies, his interests, his friends, her family, or even their cat.

Hell, doesn't it feel good to be rid of these feelings!?

(Click here for more warning signs of the end of a relationship.)

Identifying your ex (and yourself).

The JUDGE. Continuously complains, advises, and finds fault.

The VICTIM. Sits on his pity-pot, wracked with sympathy for his "woe is me" life.

The KILLJOY. Constant spoilsport. Pessimistic and negative.

The PULVERIZER. Insensitive, arrogant, appears selfish, self-centered and extremely apathetic.

The NEWSMONGER. Rumors and gossip is this persons forte.

The DIRECTOR. A total control freak.

The ILLUSIONIST. Truly a falseheart. Back stabber. Tends to be two-faced, dishonest, and cunning.

The SNUB. Gives you the cold-shoulder. Aloof, disengaged, and distant. Avoids contact.

The CONTENDER.Consistently competing. Takes sides and keeps track tit for tat.

The OLYMPIC GAMER. Always striving for more, never satisfied. Pushes themself to the limit. Tends to over-work.

The JERK. Arrogantly makes crude suggestions. Flirtatious. Untrustworthy. Invading and harassing. Offensive. Unfaithful.

The SILLY PUTTY. Weak-kneed, mealymouthed. Overly eager to please. Can change entire persona to meet another's expectations.

The GREEN-EYED OGRE. Rages with envy. Jealous, over-possessive.Covetous of.

The BANG. Highly explosive personality. Seethes with rage. Easily riled.

The DOWNER. Constantly down-and-out. Needy. Suffocating. Soaks up all you have to give, and rarely, if ever, gives anything back.

The JUDGE. Perfectionalistic. Driven. Bossy. Judgmental. Superiority complex. Arrogant. Criticising. Draining. Instructing. Faultfinder. The Judge comes on as a know-it-all. You will feel like you are constantly being scrutinized. Every fault or flaw that could possibly exist the JUDGE will find it. The Judge tells you how to drive your car, how to change the baby, how to balance your checkbook, and even what clothes to wear. They talk to you as if you were 8-years-old and incapable of understanding beyond a second-grade level. The Judge complains about the way you clean, the way you do the laundry, the television programs you like. They drain you of your energy and make you feel defeated and inadequate. The Judge calls all the shots in your relationship. Their constant criticism will keep you on the defensive 24-seven. They are more like your boss, father, mother, or teacher, than your lover or best friend. Living forever with this person would be similar to spending the rest of your life as an inadequate child.

The VICTIM. Defeatist attitude. Passive. Self-blaming. Totally helpless. Irrational feelings of doom. Brooding. Gloomy. Worry wart. The VICTIM's life can tragically collapse over the simplest of things, such as spilling a glass of milk or forgetting to close the garage door. The Vicyim wallows in self-pity and pooh-poohs any advice of any kind. There is always a reason why a plan couldn't possibly work. The Victim worries over EVERYTHING, and often has insomnia.  They believe they are cursed. They often feel like they are utterly helpless. The VICTIM wouldn't dare risk entering any confrontation, or competition, because they already knows they would be defeated. Staying with the VICTIM will most assuredly drain you of every ounce of your energy. Your days will be cloudy, and your nights will be the dark before the gloom. Your total essence will disappear as you slowly become consumed from caring for this person.

The KILLJOY. Negative-minded. Cynicism. Pessimistic. Discounting. Deflating. Critical. Despondent. Passively hopeless. Rejecting. The KILLJOY will break your spirit and make you feel like "why bother?". They will thrive on bursting your bubble, or raining on your parade. If you want to go back to school The Killjoy will point out a hundred reasons why it wouldn't work. If The Killjoy gets a promotion they just know it's because their company is really planning on going under next spring. You most assuredly won't be able to enjoy a night out at the movies because they think it's a stupid flick and, anyway, they just have this nagging headache. You tend to hide your excitement over things because you know The Killjoy will deflate it in a minute flat. Throw any idea at them and they most likely will find a reason why it won't work. Living with this person would be like trudging through a maze of endless, wearisome dead-ends. Pretty soon your smile will fade and your shoulders will droop. And most assuredly all hope will fade and you will eventually lose your ability to dream. Staying with this person will guarantee you a life of sadness, misery, and drudgery.

The PULVERIZER. Bullying. Arrogant. Know-it-all. Self-righteous. Authoritive. Fiercely independent. Blaming others, not responsible for their own actions. Condescending. Users. Makes friends, or seeks out only those people, that may have something that The PULVERIZER thinks may be gainful to themself. Discards others needs or wants. Boisterous. Obstinate. Stubborn. Offensive and rude. Ignorant. The Pulverizer will always be in the drivers seat, and if you don't jump in quickly they will run right over you.  They are insensitive and will cut you to the bone with their rude insults. They are loud and often embarrassing. You feel that The Pulverizer doesn't really need you for anything, and you often feel unimportant, unappreciated, and easily replaceable. The Pulverizer tends to seek out and befriend only those for whom they believe may benefit them in their own personal gain. You tend to go out of your way to please this person. You feel they are overly judgmental of you and you often feel like a child around them. You have never won an argument, nor convinced this person that their point of view is not always necessarily the ONLY point of view. You are convinced that at any time this person could drop you like a hot potato and never look back. Their sports are more important than you. Their friends are too. And their hobbies. Their dog. Their car. Living with The PULVERIZER is the worst possible place to spend your life. You will never be right, never be special, and never be important. It's highly unlikely that this person will even notice you are there. You will spend your life hiding in the background, waiting and hoping that The PULVERIZER comes out of 'themself 'and notices you there. You will live all week long for that one-second of acknowledgement that The Pulverizer gives you, usually its just a pat on the head ( like you were a good-little-doggy) but by this time you are so starved for attention and acknowledgment that that one pat can melt your heart like an island of velvety roses.

The NEWSMONGER. Gossips. Talks too much. Nosy and intrusive. Lies for no apparent reason. Enjoys destroying others. Plastic and superficial. Self-righteous. The NEWSMONGER will always air every detail of your relationship to all those who will listen. You will feel as though there is nothing sacred or intimate left between you. They are so involved in everyone else's life they have no real clue as to what is actually going on in their own. The Newsmonger belittles you to others, and others to you. You feel you cannot trust them. You always feel like they are keeping a secret from you. If you live with The NEWSMONGER odds are you will never feel like you have a best friend, or confident in this person. You will never be able to share with this person your deepest feelings or emotions. You will feel denied the pleasure of having anyone to turn to, or lean on, and you will end up feeling alone and resentful. This person will never know how to have fun, and will only enjoy themself at the expense of yours and other people's lives.

The DIRECTOR. Offensive. Obstinate, they KNOW their way is the only right way. Intrusive. Obsessed with certain issues. Tries to change everyone around them. Demanding perfection both from themselves and others. Low tolerance to normal human mistakes. Over critical. Sulking and self-centered. Easily aggravated by unimportant issues. Demanding. Inflexible, and unyielding in their way of doing things. The DIRECTOR is an obnoxious control-freak. They want things done their way and do not tolerate well anyone who chooses not to do it their way. The DIRECTOR will constantly be angry with you for the most insignificant of things.  They will tell you what utensil to use when you are frying chicken. They will control the thermostat, the budget, the car maintenance schedule. The Director decides when you go to bed, what television shows you watch, and where you will go on your vacation. The Director tells you what to wear and whom you may associate with. They are the only one that knows how to do anything 'right' and they will never delegate responsibility comfortably to any other living being.  The Director obsesses with details and tends to be overly picky. They have every aspect of your relationship on an agenda, including retirement, child-raising, and residential locations. They have even scheduled your lovemaking. You are often taken back by their rude direct insults to your dress style, housecleaning, job performance, or choice of friends. The director demands from their children, much as a captain of a ship to his crew. Spending your life with The DIRECTOR would be like relinquishing your soul to them. There will be no negotiation in this type of relationship. It will always be their way or the highway. They will try to control every aspect of your life, leaving you with no self-respect, feelings of personal accomplishment, independence, or peace of mind.

The ILLUSIONIST. What you see is not what you get. The ILLUSIONIST is a backstabber. They are deceitful. Conniving. Revengeful. The Illusionist is prone to a passive-aggressive type of personality that will most likely make you want to scream. Just when you think they are smiling and supportive, you find out they are really resentful and angry. The Illusionist tends to be vindictive, and you often feel as though you've been betrayed. You find that you can't ever feel comfortable or trust this person. You feel like they could and would walk all over you if it meant they were attaining their own goals. If you spend your life with this person you most likely will be constantly watching your back. There is an old saying that goes "sleep with your eyes open". Living with the The ILLUSIONIST will base importance on that saying. You will never be able to relax and feel safe or comfortable with this person.

The SNUB. They are impersonal. Indifferent. Excluding.Withdrawn and secretive. Often gives you the cold-shoulder or silent treatment. Shows an apparent lack of emotion. Unresponsive. Rejecting. The SNUB shows little personal interest in your life. You feel as though they are pushing you away or trying to brush you off. The Snub tends to be cliquish. You often feel rejected, and held at arms-length. They tend to withdraw from you and you find you cannot depend on them for anything. They are unresponsive to your needs and wants. Living with this person means living a lonely existence, where you are consistently on the begging end of the relationship. You need and crave love, acceptance, and attention and The SNUB will not be able to deliver those vital needs to you. You will always be wondering what you did wrong and never truly will you feel like you belong or fit in this person's life.

The CONTENDER. Competitive and overly ambitious. Assertive. Envious. Relentless in their pursuit of a goal. Workaholic. An individualist who considers themself apart from all others. Always trying to one-up on others. Grandstanding and boastful. Strategically plans their life as if it were one great big chess game. Tries to win through intimidation. Poor loser. You consistently feel that you have to impress The CONTENDER. They never celebrate your successes but yet you must repeatedly listen to their constant barrages of every achievement they have ever made. They keep score of who has done what in your relationship. Being in a relationship with The CONTENDER is like running a marathon. You will never win an argument. You will never achieve the same level as 'their greatness'. They will wear you out and intimidate you. You eventually will lose your own identity, and subconsciously succumb to their constant demand for acknowledgement of their performances and accomplishments. If you write a short story they will one-up you by writing a novel. You will most likely feel empty after sex with this person, as they inevitably will make sex into an olympic accomplishment of their stamina and expertise, and less an act of love and sharing. You will forever spend your life in intimidation, forcing praises of their accomplishments. Life with this person will be lonely and exhausting, living in the frigid cold of their shadow.

The OLYMPIC GAMER is much like The CONTENDER. They are a tireless workhorse. Driven. Smug in their expertise of certain matters. Never satisfied, always striving for more. Impatient and demanding. Over reacts to their own failures or shortcomings. Restless and agitated. Intimidating. As with The CONTENDER, The OLYMPIC GAMER will wear you out. They will bring their job home from work and you will feel as though you have disappeared into the background. They will ignore you and throw themself into activities, work, or outside hobbies with a vengeance. The OLYMPIC GAMER never seems to be able to relax and you constantly feel uncomfortable, as though you need to entertain them, amuse them, or keep their activity level at a high. You feel like they look down their nose at you for not being as driven. Living your life with this person will be like living in a continuous roller coaster of upheaval and commotion. You will never feel like you can relax. You will feel unimportant and left-out. In the end you will feel defeated and exhausted  from trying to please The OLYMPIC GAMER.

The JERK. Sly. Vain. Overly flirtatious. Always needs to be in the spotlight. Zeroes in on your vulnerability. Power hungry. Opportunistic. Flattering. Over conscious of their clothing attire and image. Flashy. No doubt if you have lived with The JERK you have caught them in the act of lustful leering. They may or may not have confessed to numerous affairs but you can never really quite feel like they are, or have been, monogamous. When out together with this person you subconsciously scan the room for other members of the opposite sex so you can immediately sum up your competition and know who to watch for. They call every member of the opposite sex that they have ever met by their first name. Even if it was only briefly at the Quickie Mart. You sometimes feel embarrassed or offended by their inappropriate remarks of you or others. Living with this person would be like falling asleep on the edge of a cliff. You will never feel safe, comfortable, or good enough. You will feel like you have to constantly measure up, and their need for attention and affirmation will be exhausting. That nagging feeling that they might leave you for another will drain your smile and leave you feeling unloved, unattractive, and insecure. You will never feel quite good enough, as this person will suck the life out of you in their constant search for approval and attention.

The SILLY PUTTY. Superagreeable. Undependable. Overly attached. Compliant. Insecure. Self-blaming. Zeroing in on innocent criticism. Plastic and superficial. Phony. They are like a chameleon that will often change to suit their surroundings. Chances are if you are living with The SILLY PUTTY you sometimes wonder if they have a mind of their own. You feel like you have become this he-is-she unified creature. You find you have to constantly reassure them of your love . You carefully select your words before you speak because they are overly sensitive, taking things way to personally, and they get 'hurt feelings' easily. They are just too damn agreeable and it makes you want to scream. Just once you want an assertive PERSON in bed that is wild with desire for you. Living your life with The SILLY PUTTY would be like living your life in love with yourself. This person has no identity or mind of their own. They have no character. They laugh if you think it's funny. They dislike broccoli because you dislike it. They never make decisions. They'll promise you anything because they are super agreeable, let they  never deliver. You cannot rely on them for anything. You will begin to feel suffocated. You will never be able to sit back in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, because you will always do the driving. Basically this person is silly putty, absorbing the image of all those they come in contact with.

The GREEN-EYED OGRE. Unsupportive and hurtful. Always angry. Overly competitive. Greedy. Insecure. Low self-esteem. Jealous. Insulting. The GREEN-EYED OGRE constantly compares themself to others. You will find them demeaning , unsupportive, or belittling of your accomplishments. In time you will learn to hide your accomplishments. They find fault in your job, your successes, your accomplishments, your dress style, etc.  They tend to be overly boastful of their accomplishments, and they never let you forget them. The GREEN-EYED OGRE is insecure and non-trusting. They accuse you having affairs outside of the relationship and can dwell on this possibility for endless hours. If you are five-minutes late they demand to know where you were. The GREEN-EYED OGRE insults and cuts down your friends, family, and coworkers. Living with this person will be like walking on eggshells. The GREEN-EYED OGRE can be intimidating and scary. The GREEN-EYED OGRE can often turn physically abusive because they feel the need to 'put you back in your place', which, of course, is beneath them.

The BANG. Emotionally unstable. Questioning of others motives, cynical. Overly critical. Untrusting. Rude, sometimes making callous comments to others that you find embarrassing. Revengeful. Plotting. Selfish. If you do The BANG wrong, even unintentionally, you can most assuredly expect them to 'get back at you'. You are afraid of this person's temper and it doesn't take much to make them explode and send them into a rampage. You find The BANG has very little empathy for others, and often thinks that people are out to get them. They often have a short fuse and the slightest of setbacks can make this person dangerously explosive. The BANG tends to not trust you and is often suspicious of your actions. They question where you were and who you were with. You have caught them going through your drawers, your purse, your wallet, your pockets, your personal journal. Living with this person would be a life of non-stop tension. You will never be able to relax and will subconsciously find yourself sugar-coating everything you say less you set them off. You will find yourself purposely hiding things from them because you just know "they wouldn't understand". You will be scared to go out with your friends after work, or defy their demands.

The DOWNER. Clingy. Needy. Suffocating. Scared. Guilt-inducing. Consumed by themselves and their own needs. Stifling. Crisis-orientated. The DOWNER can drag you down. You sometimes feel like they are attached to you at the hip and you start to feel suffocated. You feel like they are sponging the life right out from you. Your relationship with The DOWNER never seems to be heading anywhere. You feel guilty when you say no to The DOWNER. Living with The DOWNER will be liking surrendering your total existence to keeping their head above water. They will always have a crisis. They will never notice you or your life as they are so totally absorbed in their own problems. The DOWNER can't be left alone for one minute, and the minute you walk in the door their helplessness will consume your every nerve. They will drain you, slowly, inch by inch, until you feel you have nothing left to give, then The DOWNER will work on your sense of guilt making you feel like the lowest creature-form on this planet for abandoning them in their hour of need. Every hour is an hour of need to them. They feel they have one constant crisis after another and they may cling to you. If you are looking for a knight in shining armour you better look the other way, you'll never find it in The DOWNER.

Most of us will find some similarities either with our own selves, or our exes, and some of the characters listed above. Some of our exes may have only a few of those traits, but I bet that the majority of us can pick out one, or two,  particular characters above that sums up our exes to a tee. (Mine was The PULVERIZER.) I hope that if you found yourself decribed in any of the above that you will seek ways to improve upon yourself. (Please see tips/links for emotional health and self-help at Verve! Online)

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Improve Your Communication Skills

by Geri Forsberg, Phd

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you couldn't communicate? That means no tone of voice, no body language or facial expressions, no words, no alphabet. Nothing.

Effective skills in communication are necessary to maintain and increase the quality of our lives and our relationships. If we can't communicate effectively, we will be led in a direction we don't want to go. We all have misunderstandings within our relationships. And it would be very easy to become confused, frustrated and disappointed simply because we are unable to communicate appropriately.

Broken and difficult relationships can be avoided by understanding the principles of communication, and the pitfalls we encounter.

When we know and understand the process of communication, we can actively implement the principles, hone our skills, avoid the problems and become the effective communicators that we all desire to be.

The language we use to symbolize reality is incomplete.

We will always leave something out when we're retelling a story because we can never say everything about something. And the words we choose to describe something are not reality. They are our understanding of reality.

Do you remember the telephone game from elementary school? One child whispered a message to the next, who then passed it on down the line. By the time the message was spoken aloud at the end of its trip, it varied immensely. Why? Because each child understood the message differently and passed on what she thought were the important details.

How do we avoid the pitfall of miscommunicating reality?

Be careful in the words you choose. Be sure they symbolize what you really mean. And when you're communicating with someone, ask questions to clarify what the person really intends to say. If you are unsure about what your colleague means when he tells you he doesn't feel well, ask. Find out what his reality is.

What do you do if someone gets angry at you and says, "You're all alike. I just can't stand it." The simplest and most natural thing to do is to react because she is angry. But imagine what would happen if you ask a simple question like, "What do you mean, we're all alike? What can't you stand?" Those questions and a few extra minutes allows the angry person to elaborate on her sentiments and inform you directly what is the matter. Then you can respond more appropriately.

We all see the world differently.

How we encounter the world has been influenced by who we are, our backgrounds, our education, our values and beliefs, our needs, positions, jobs, and more. In other words, we each see the world through our own set of lenses.

To become better at communicating, and to understand others' perceptions, we need to ask questions. We need to listen. Learn to delay your reaction until you have more information so you don't form inaccurate assumptions.

In the real world everything is extremely complex. With language, we simplify it by categorizing our words and ideas, and often the categories are either/or opposites.

In the process of simplifying things, we omit details, forget differences, ignore uniquenesses, and eliminate the various levels of meaning. When we view life through such a narrow spectrum, thinking that life is as simple as an "either/or" situation, communication breakdowns are bound to occur.

So, to guard against these pitfalls, we need to develop an open mind with each other and within our relationships. If you believe that reality is as simple as hot or cold, then you can only accept someone and accept what they say or you have to reject that person and reject what they say. However, if you have an open mind, you have more options.

In the real world everything occurs within a context.

We have probably all been misunderstood or had misunderstandings when something has been taken out of its original context.

Although we don't fully understand how much our environment influences us, we need to consider that when we communicate. We must be able to understand the context of our own communication. And we must understand that every message we receive has its own context. By understanding these foundational principles of communication, we can avoid and even solve our communication woes.

With those principles in mind, here are five things you can begin to do today to help you become a better communicator:

1. Ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out what she really means.
   
   
2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.
   
   
3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
   
   
4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
   
   
5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's not love.
   

Take some time to think about a specific communication problem (difficulty, challenge) you have had recently or in the past.

1. In a few sentences, describe the problem.
   
   
2. In what environment (context) did this communication problem occur? (home, extended family, workplace, other)
   
   
3. Was the communication problem resolved? If so, was it resolved to everyone's satisfaction? How was the communication problem resolved?
   
   
4. What principles of communication could help you with this situation or other communication challenges in the future?
   

Now ask yourself some tough questions about how you communicate.

• Am I seeking to understand the person?
  
  
• Am I listening and really hearing what he is saying?
  
  
• Am I expressing my own point of view so she understands what I mean?
  
  
• Is there anything I'm doing in my nonverbal communication (tone of voice, body language, etc.) that I don't intend to communicate?
  
  
• Am I making a quick judgement without examining the facts?
  
  
• Am I trying to see things from many different angles or am I just looking at things in an either/or fashion?
  
  
• Am I adjusting my own communication patterns to suit the person I'm dealing with?
  

Developing your communication skills and abilities is a lifelong process. Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. You can learn to be a more effective communicator by:

1. Observing and imitating excellent communicators.
   
   
2. Learning from your own and others' mistakes.
   
   
3. Developing a conscious awareness of communication habits, patterns, styles, strengths, weaknesses.
   
   
4. Applying principles of effective communication.

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Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of communication, we still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. This does not mean you are clueless as a person, but it does mean that more attention is required on your part, so that you can become more open and invite the many forms of communication that exist, so that you will be able to understand yourself and your partner much better. There is nothing that keeps a relationship healthy, better than understanding and once you start becoming more familiar with your communicating styles, as well as your partners, you will be able to work better as a team in making the best of your relationship.

The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at you first. People always tend to turn to their partner first when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on your particular situation, but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing your own actions and communication first, before you can point anything out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other people's mistakes, but when it comes to looking at you, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself- because no one wants to be wrong. This is where you need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other's perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.

Get winning out of your mind. So many couples claim to have tried communication, but it does not seem to work. If this is your case, then the best thing would be to slow down, calm down and take a few steps back. Perhaps communication is not working for your relationship, but what method of communication are you using? You see, communication itself cannot be the problem or the ineffective ingredient, because communication is the main key to a healthy relationship, so it must be the way you and your partner are communicating. When you or your partner talks to each other, do one or both of you talk to win the conversation, or to actually reach a level of understanding of each other's needs and wants? Believe it or not, it is very common for people to focus on being right and trying to convince their partner of seeing things their way, instead of just sharing what they think and feel so their partner can understand what they mean and what they need.

Listening is so important if you truly wish to accomplish good communication that will improve your relationship. Are you really listening to what your partner is saying to you, or are you waiting to get things off you chest and make your points? Listening may sound like an easy enough thing to do, but many confuse it with hearing. Hearing what your partner is saying versus listening to them, are indeed very different. Listening involves true dedication and your full attention to the words your partner is serving to you, as well as the tones and expressions that go along with those words. Listening means that you are interested in learning more about what your partner is making an effort to tell you and making the emotional connection needed in order to achieve your relationship goals together. Keep in mind that when in a relationship, all communication between partners has to be open, honest, non-judgmental and patient, if you are to succeed and maintaining a happy and healthy relationship.

Communication is not so complicated, once you understand what the right way communicating is, and of course- what methods of communication works for you and your communication best. Effective communication cannot happen on it's own or with the efforts of only one person. Both you and your partner have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving the way you communicate, so that you both can enhance your relationship skills and build a relationship where you both will have an understanding of who you are as individuals and what you both need and want. Just remember to stay real with yourself and avoid painting a foggy and falsified picture- so that you will never be caught off guard with nay-painful surprises or stressful misunderstandings.

Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert

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Why Do We Hurt the One We Love?

One of the most common (and most frustrating) relationship dynamics that we hear about is couples who feel emotionally wounded by each other on a regular basis. They both love each other, and want to stay together, yet they keep hurting each other through verbal abuse, physical rejection, taking each other for granted, betraying emotional trust, or bringing up the most vulnerable topics from their partner's past. This is a such a common phenomenon that it became the focus of the famous 1944 song by Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher, "You Always Hurt the One You Love", with this bizarre last line: "So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." Huh? That's clearly not love.

Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several reasons:

1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma - we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.

Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can't get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We'll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.

But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it's worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they 'love us most of all', but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.

2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.

So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners' experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other's lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.

We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners' wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives

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Relationship Break Up

Relationship break up can be tough to deal with. If your relationship has become serious, but you can't decide if your heart is in it for the long haul, ask yourself the following questions to make sense of the situation.

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: 30 minutes

Here's How:

1.   Does the good outweigh the bad?
Make a list of all the things you like about your partner versus things that could doom the relationship . Don't just see which list is longer. Instead decide which items are most important on each list and determine if you can live with the negatives.

2.   Will you achieve long-term happiness?
Picture yourself with this person one year from now, five years, ten years, fifty years. Do you foresee a future of happiness or constant heartache?

3.   Is anybody else out there?
Consider colleagues, friends, acquaintances, anyone in your circle of contacts. Do you deep down prefer one of these people over your current partner? Do you value the chance to meet someone new over sticking it out?

4.   Does your partner put you first?
Does he or she at least treat you equally? If not, you may be in for disappointment down the road.

5.   Do you ultimately trust your partner?
If you have major character questions and trust issues, this is a clear indication that the relationship either needs major work or should be ended.

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Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?

I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.

I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.

I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.

According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So here’s what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.

There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.

The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.

What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?

Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com

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The Most Basic Law of Respect in Sex

Whoever is going the fastest must slow down and go as slow as the slowest one, or there can be no healthy progress. Breaking that law is called date-rape. The person doing it often calls the victim frigid. The consequences of breaking the law range from alienation to a prison sentence.

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