1. I HATE YOU: Falling out with friends can be more more  traumatic than a break-up.

 2. How to keep friendship?

 3. Friendship is fragile.

 4. The essence of friendship.

 5. What are the real friends?

 6. Everyone needs a few close friends. (many links)

 7. Managing a failed friendship.

 8. People & relationships.

 9. Improving your relationships.

10.When a relationship is ending.

11.Quench your real thrist for lasting relationships.

12.Working out what's best for you.

13.Explaining away our relationships-  Does our cravng for an explanation hurt romance?
 

 14.  Friends Or Lovers? How To Tell the Difference in a Budding Romance ~ Some couples make better friends than lovers.

15. Is it possible for men and women to be just friends without being romantic?

16. Ending a friendship.

17. Why do friendships end?

18. How to end a friendship.

19. Ready to Dump a Friend?  Five things to ask yourself first.

20. Friends can dump you, just like a lover. And what's left is the vague fart waft of failure.

21. Now It's Time to Say Goodbye: Ending Friendships

22. How to End Any Relationship Instantly and Permanently

23. How to deal with negative people.

24. Communications in relationships.

25. Birds of a feather flock together.

26. Helping a friend who is hurting.

27.  Do's and Don't's of Relationship

28.  Learning From All Our Relationships

29.  Safe Relationship Spaces

30.  * * Make Your Relationship Last ~ A no nonsense down to earth, nuts to bolts article with an A to Z accounting. This is VERY long. Allow time to read it.

31.  Bringing Out The Best in Your Relationship

32.  Love Vs. Infatuation

33.  Maintaining Your Individuality In Love

34.  Multiple loves

35.  Rekindling old flames

My bottom lip trembles as I try to finish my Thai meal - my friend and I have argued. She glares at me over her wine glass. I feel like crying and hurrying out of the restaurant. It's much like arguing with a partner. Correction: it's far worse than that.

Other friends merely drift away when our lives take different paths. We figure out ways to avoid them. We book them in for a Monday night drinks (if we must) then cancel, rearrange, and invent migraines. A colleague admits, 'Zoe is my oldest friend; we grew up three doors apart.' Now, at 37 and well past the swapping dolls' clothes stage, Lisa finds Zoe, 'depressing and negative. She makes no secret of the fact that she thinks I have everything - a child, a successful husband, a supposedly great job as a copywriter - and implies that I don't appreciate what I have.' In turn, Lisa finds herself bouncing back by being 'patronising' - reassuring her that she will meet a suitable man, and will get out of her rotten temping job and the exasperation. The friendship faltered further when Lisa had a baby. 'Zoe would fill an entire evening with moans about her boyfriend, who would only allow her to call him on his mobile - and not mention my baby once.'

So Lisa ditched her. Simple as that. She didn't return calls and, when Zoe became persistent, told her she was too busy with the baby to see her for the next few months. Bingo: friend, surplus to requirements, Tip-pexed out of the Filofax.

Sounds harsh? According to Professor Stephen Palmer, Director of the Centre for Stress Management, 'You should ask yourself why you feel so drained after seeing certain friends. Then fix it, or cut them out.' But don't be too ruthless. Professor Palmer adds, 'It's good to have a wide circle of friends - each with different qualities - who aren't too demanding or possessive. In fact, a support system of friends is a good buffer against stress.'

And as for the friend you've argued with - the one you miss terribly? Well, you know her number.

Friendship fall-outs are traumatic. We just don't expect conflict with friends. We love them dearly but don't sleep with them - surely, the perfect recipe for lifelong, tiff-free relationships. And we need these people. Our families are scattered all over the place; in a survey by Red magazine, eight out of ten women admitted that friends are, at least, as important as family. 'People are concerned with keeping up connections,' says Rachel Claire, Senior Consultant at The Henley Centre. 'We lead much more fragmented lives than our parents did. We move around geographically and switch jobs more often - and it's stressful.'

Which may be why we dread falling out with our friends. Back to disastrous night out with best friend: I felt she was picking fault with my thrown-together outfit, making patronising remarks about my non-too-perfect relationship. She implied I was a soft touch. I bit back, immediately on the defensive, tearing chunks out of her relationship too. We left the restaurant, said cool goodbyes - and I hurried home feeling strangely distraught.

In this instance, the friendship survived. I called the following day to tell her how angry I was; she apologised, filling me in on the various factors that had put her in a stinking mood. Sometimes you ask yourself: do I want to remain friends with this person? In this instance, I did (she wasn't usually like this; blame it on men, weather, hormones, British Rail - the usual suspects). But sometimes, a friend is destined for the ex-pile.

Natasha, 33, recalls the day when her friend was promoted over her. 'We had both gone for a more senior position and she'd got it - but that wasn't the reason we fell out. On her first day in her new job, she called me into her office and announced that despite our 10-year friendship, she was boss, I was not, and that things were going to change between us. I felt utterly betrayed and, although I managed to cope on a professional level, our friendship died that day.'

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Do you enjoy your friendships?...For sure – YES!...But please recollect when you've met your friends recently?...and called up?...and sent e-mail?...Ages and ages ago…

Contemporary life, with its tight schedules and constant lack of time and overloads, just do not give us FREE time for pleasant and interesting relations and meetings…They say: "Friends are thieves of time"…Work and family are considered to be the crucial values of a person's life…These are "MUSTS"…We must and we DO devote our life-time to the things…

Undoubtedly, there is "friendship" in the hot-list of human-life values…But please agree friendship is not the MUST…And this is really the most valuable and important aspect of friendship – FREEDOM…We are FREE here…free to choose time to get into touch with friends…free to choose place where we would love to be with them…free to choose way of spending time…and the best matter of friendship is freedom to be in the company of another person…In SUCH life we need it…We need take a breathe…Freedom…Friendship…

Who are the people whose company do we like sharing ? 
Actually, what most people call their "circle of friends" more closely resembles "a triangle".

The base of the triangle – acquaintances. It is pleasant to be in an Acquaintance's company – he/she gives you sincere cordiality and feeds you with admiration and even more better if it is interesting – there is no need to find any another amusements any more…Well…the acquaintances are PLEASANT if it's the best case and they are NEEDFUL in the worst (if you're upset, they'll cheer you up, low self-confidence – they'll help you to get assertiveness, would like to have fun – you'll get it). 

Then there are "core friends" in the middle. These we know by first name, and we see them somewhat regularly. The essence of the friendships is pleasant USE – expressing our views, reviving spirits, getting support. It's easy to strike up the friendship when your souls are in perfect harmony. "We DO understand each other so easily!"- and you can feel the real soul-mate in the person…

As well here are our Companion-in-arms – the people with whom we have common cause who we NEED for business affairs…probably this is the most worth friends' group…Friendship is  luxury of human intercourse…but what is our reality, what the world where do we live in??? A lot of obligations to be fulfilled, a lot of works to be done SO it's very valuable and useful if we derive support and help from the friendships to deal with all this inevitable burden…Thank you, our Companions… 

At the top of the triangle are intimate friends. These people are closely involved in our lives, and their names are likely engraved on our hearts. Mostly there is ONLY intimate friend in our lives – the BEST friend – as the BEST concerns the unique things only. Here we feel FREE open all our heart sincerely and easily…and we feel FREE to turn to the friend in our hour of need…We are proud of having such friend…Best friend it's who rescues when it's extremely necessary…Savior…Asylum…

So…Please think it over…Who needs friendship most of all?...

Well…Friendship is possible and very precious part of a self-confident and strong people's life…but they do not need friendship and friends seriously.
Learn how to be the Friend…Learn how to be needful and reliable – in such a way you'll be able to help your friends…BUT…from the other hand – you should grow, work for improving yourself so you have need in friends less and less…

1. Does what you and the other are doing align?
   Take a look at what is going on in a current relationship. Do it with the other person if possible. Make an honest assessment of the current situation and then work together to align these different elements:
   
   
   • What is the Actual State of affairs?
   • What is the Basic Intention of each of you regards each other?
   • What is therefore the Ideal State of affairs?
   • Therefore what Desired Objectives do you share?
   • Work out an Overall Plan to achieve those objectives.
   • What are the Daily Actions that will be needed?
   
   
2. Responsible for what?
   Examine the responsibility each is taking. Work toward a full responsibility for the overall relationship and one's own reactions, but do not attempt to be responsible for everything about the other person. Their beliefs and feelings are their own responsibility. What are you willing to be responsible for regarding (other person)? What are you not willing to be responsible for regarding (other person)?"

3. Is there a competition?
   Sort out any issue of competition for territory. What kind of game are you and the other playing? If it is a game, then consider it as such and enjoy it. Is there something there isn't enough of that has to be fought for? If so, reassure that there is enough to go round (love, affection, money, communication, whatever).

4. Is there something one of you needs to know?
   Upsets between people usually result from a failure of communication, very often one not knowing what is in the other person's mind, and therefore not acting accordingly. Work out what you don't know and get an answer; ask the other what they need to know and provide it.

5. Is something being kept back?
   With the other person, work over the following questions as long as there is still anything to find on them. With somebody who has been a long relationship, that might be a LOT. What has (other) done that was hard for you to experience? What has (other) failed to say about that? What have you done that was hard for the other to experience? What have you failed to say about that?"

6. Lost the original excitement?
   Go back to when you first got together and examine what you saw in each other, what was fun and exciting. Get all the details and particularly the feelings. If the other person is available, do it at the same time with closed eyes and arrange it so you see each other first thing when you open your eyes. Transfer the feelings to the present.

7. What have you learned?
   Reframe the relationship as a learning experience. Find out what specifically each of you might have to learn from each other. Perhaps one person can do some things better, one can tolerate some things more easily, one can appreciate some things more readily. What do you have to learn from each other? What have you learned from each other?

8. What do you agree about?
   Find out what you both actually agree on, what you see the same way, interests you have in common, stuff you have the same feelings or same reactions to. Come to realize how much common ground you have to build on.

9. Communication withheld?
   What do you want to say to the person, but for some reason can't say or aren't saying? Why not? Imagine actually saying them to the other person, then do so out loud and imagine the reply. Then go ahead and say it. Allow the other freedom to be themselves.

10. Likes and dislikes?
    What do you like about the other and what don't you like? Does the other person have to be perfect for you to like them? Are you perfect? Do either of you need to be perfect or would you rather be yourselves? What is unique about you and the other?

11. What's needed and wanted?
    Ask each other what is needed and wanted from the other person. Honestly inquire what the other person actually wants. Not having any argument or discussion about it, but simply find out what it is the other side would like.

12. Talking honestly?
    Get together and tell each other what you really want to say about each other. Try to keep to what is personally felt, how things are perceived from either end. No "You ..." statements allowed. Continue until you each learn to respect what the other person says and begin to have more understanding of each other.

13. Secrets?
    Examine what each of you keep secret from each other. Secrets tend to build and make you grow further from each other. Find out what isn't being faced up to, what isn't being taken responsibility for. Is there anything you would never say to the other? Do you have secrets from each other? Why?

14. Is there some co-dependence?
    Each person needs to look at the responsibilities they have given up or areas they have withdrawn from by being in the relationship. For example, no longer maintaining friendships "because the other wouldn't like that." What does your relationship allow you not to deal with? Is this resented?

15. Are you making yourself right?
    Look for fixed ideas about what is right. How do you think this relationship is supposed to be? What principle are you operating by? What piece of logic do you use? Is one of you making him or her self right by making the other wrong in some way?

16. Are you different?
    What is similar between you and the other? What is different between you and the other? What qualities does one person have that the other is lacking? How can you make the most of these differences to complement each other rather than conflict?

17. Talking about yourself?
    Turn the complaints you may have about the other person around as something you are really saying about yourself. Find the parts of yourself that match it. This is a very common phenomenon, that whatever one doesn't like or doesn't accept about somebody else is really what one does like or accept about oneself. One can't really change it in the other person, but one can change it in oneself, once one finds that part of oneself.

18. Are you allowing changes to occur?
    Examine your willingness to let the other person change. Sometimes the different parties in a relationship try to keep the other person the same, or keep them in accord with their ideas and expectations. If the other person suddenly changes they don't like each other so much any more. That is not very useful, so increase the tolerance of change when you can. Find the underlying qualities you like about each other, but free up any fixedness about specific required behavior and circumstances. Consider: "What changes would you allow (other) to make?"

19. And in the future?
    Visualize how you would like the relationship to be in the future. Check if that is really congruent, or if it is just an abstract dream. Backtrack it toward the present. How can you make that happen?

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We have lots of different relationships in our lives:

• With friends
• Family
• Teachers
• Doctors
• Work mates
• Girlfriend/boyfriend and so on.

Sometimes relationships work well and are easy going and other times they can be hard and you may wonder if they are worth it.

Most relationships have their difficult times, the trick is to stick at it through the hard times. You may feel like avoiding talking to that person or want to reassess the relationship.

Reassessing the Relationship

In reassessing the relationship with another person you may want to consider some of the following things:

Are you getting what you want from the relationship?

If being in that relationship is not making you or the other person satisfied then it might be worth reconsidering how much time you spend with them. It may be worth considering what you want from the relationship. You might want to check out "the starting out" fact sheet for more information.

Are you willing to compromise?

When you disagree, argue, or are fighting with someone you may find it hard to listen to their point of view. To maintain a relationship you may both need to :

• Agree to disagree
• Walk away & take time out
• Give & take a little
• Keep talking about what is important to you & listen to what is important to them
• Respect yourself & the other person
• Think about what is fair
• Remember having different opinions & ideas is OK. Avoiding conflict is not necessarily healthy. Resolving disagreements in a respectful way can be a sign of a healthy relationship.

How significant is the person to you?

If the person means a lot to you like a friend, a parent or carer, it is probably worth putting effort into maintaining the relationship.

You may have relationships where you feel you have limited choices. These may be with a teacher, carer, employer, workmates or family member. It's not uncommon to be in a relationship with someone you do not like. This may be because:

• You have a personality clash
• They've done something you don't like 
• You don't agree with their decisions or rules
• They are abusive. You may want to check out the fact sheet on violence for more information about abuse.

It is not OK to be abusive. If you are experiencing violence you might want to talk to someone you trust like a friend, family member or counsellor see the Finding Help section for more information.

How often do you have to see them?

If you are fighting with a teacher, a parent or carer chances are you are going to have to see them regularly. This can make it difficult to change the relationship and you may have to compromise on some things for the time being.

Are you safe?

In some cases you may feel threatened in a relationship and fear for your safety. If you do not feel safe with someone avoid situations where you are alone with them. Make a safety plan for yourself, which includes:

•  Letting people know where you are and who you are with
• Tell friends, family and people you trust and ask them to help protect you by being around when they are there
• Listen to your feelings. If you start to feel unsafe, leave as soon as you can
• If you are out, take phone or transport money with you or arrange for someone to pick you up
• Have someone with you or close by when breaking it off
• Talk to someone about what you could do to legally protect yourself.

Your local police can advise you on steps you can take to protect yourself. See the fact sheet on Assessing your safety.

Resolving problems

If you feel that a relationship is worth maintaining, you may just need to be clear about what problems you are having and try to find solutions.

Before talking to the other person you may want to:

• Write down a list of your concerns
• Consider talking to someone not involved in the situation; they may provide a different perspective and help you sort out things for yourself.
• Think about areas where you are willing to compromise.
• Think of a time and space where you can talk about your relationship calmly.

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The only danger in Friendship is that it will end.—Henry David Thoreau

Several weeks ago, I received an email from a reader who asked, "Why do some friendships end, no matter how much you want them to last?" She referred to having seen the question in one of my articles, "Mystery of Friendship". I don't think easy answers exist as to how friendships start, why some turn into lifetime friendships, and why some end. Although I've tried answering the first two questions in other articles ("To Have A Friend" and "Be A Friend"), I still continue to get surprised by the friendships that endure and disillusioned by the ones that slip away. Even so, I'll try to offer some insights here about why friendships end.

My simple answer is that friendships end because the situations friends are in or even the friends themselves change. Other articles on why friendships end have similar answers. First, the situations friends face may change. The decision to relocate for a new school or job can't help but affect a friendship. Likewise, if a friend is in an accident, develops an illness, or loses someone close, these situations can't help but affect a friendship. Does a friendship need to end because of these changes? No, but it'll require adjustments that one or both friends might not be willing to make.

Second, the friends themselves may change. A significant reason that friendships often end when friends are apart for an extended period of time (for summer camp, college, etc) is that one or both of the friends change. I think it hurts less when both friends change, because then the breakup is more often mutual and so both friends get closure by both deciding to let go and move forward in their lives without each other. What tends to hurt most is when just one friend changes. One friend might change social circles, become involved in new social organizations, start to date, get a pet, or take on some other venture that consumes more time and passion. Again, a friendship can endure these changes, unless one or both of the friends for some reason decide not to invest the time and energy involved in the adjustment period. (For example, one friend might forget the importance of the friendship due to the high of having a new pet or might feel that the change is impossible to overcome when one gets married but the other is still single.) When this happens, breakups may not be mutual and so one or both friends feel betrayed and end up with bitter memories about what was once considered a precious friendship to them.

There are other reasons why friendships end. For example, as much as two people might want a friendship to survive, one or both of them might unintentionally neglect it. Friendship is often compared to a flower garden. Well, if flowers don't get exposed regularly enough to sunlight and don't get watered enough, flowers will wither and even die. The same applies to friendship. If week after week passes where plans are made to spend time together but are never honored, perhaps due to taking a friendship for granted, eventually even the closest of friendships may cease to have a reason to exist.

Conflicts can also cause the end of friendships. If the flower is a fledging plant, one blow might destroy it just as sometimes relatively young friendships aren't strong enough to endure much conflict. Even those amazing close friendships, where friends love us no matter what are faults are, need care when it comes to conflicts. Sure, if a flourishing flower gets stepped on, it might revive on its own. Moreover, it if gets a little extra special care, it'll probably bounce back as if it hadn't ever been injured. At the same time, if a flower gets repeatedly trampled on, it'll probably eventually break. Especially the friendships that have been around for a long time can endure storms, and even become stronger for them, but most friendships have breaking points.

Okay, we know that friendships can end for many reasons, but now what? Can we change their course and turn them into friendships that last?

Well, the solution depends on the reason for their potential end! For example, what if one friend is moving to new place? Various articles on adjusting to the moving process advise:

• Communicate and be honest with each other about how the situation makes each other feel.
• Spend extra time together before the departure date, perhaps to visit old haunts and friends.
• Exchange addresses and make plans to keep in touch, at least through mail and maybe even through regular phone calls and visits.
• Don't ignore natural sad feelings but, as soon as each is able, share excitement about the new adventures ahead for both individuals.

What if the change isn't as dramatic as a move to a town or state or country but is simply to a new job or school? Well, much of the same advice still applies because any kind of move requires time for a person to get used to and is often emotionally draining for days, weeks, or even months. Before the move happens, take time to communicate and be honest with each other about the upcoming move. Then allow time for the move to feel comfortable and to know how life will change because of the new adventure. If the friendship is important, work to adjust to the situation and eventually it'll seem as normal as everything else in life. Some of my closest friends started as coworkers but have now moved onto other jobs and so I know it can be done.

What if conflict is the problem? There are two ways to handle conflict. One is to simply let it go. Haven't we all seen children who one minute hate each other but the next minute act as if the fight never happened? If resolution isn't important to the survival of the friendship, why not simply forget the conflict?

On the other hand, if the conflict was due to more than just tiredness, stress at work, or some other situation not relevant to the friendship, it needs to be acknowledged and confronted. Sure, dealing with conflict is a chore, but isn't a little stress in the short term preferred to a lot of stress in the long term? In fact, it could mean the difference between a weak foundation that crumbles over time and a firm foundation that stands against even the worst storms.

Various articles on conflict recommend:

• Take time to cool down but, as soon as each is able, do talk about the conflict.
• Realize that each might have a different perspective.
• Do not involve others, unless a mediator is needed.
• Focus on the bigger picture of saving a friendship and building a stronger friendship from the conflict.
• Apologize!

The sad fact too is that you might follow all the advice given above, and in the links below, but still lose a friendship that you desperately wanted to keep. The more a friendship means to you, the more time and emotions you should put into holding onto it. Even so, at some point you have to accept its end. When that happens, give yourself time to mourn the loss of the friendship. Then give this part of your life closure:

• Write a note to your friend telling them how much friendship with him/her had meant to you
• Learn what lessons you can from the friendship.
• Move forward to what the rest of life has to offer you.

In the end, the mystery of friendship is that some friendships don't take much work to last for life while others take lots of work to last for a single month. While we can rarely predict at the outset which ones will last, most friendships do enrich us for however short or long they're a part of our lives.

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• are frequently sarcastic or mean toward you
• spill your secrets or spread gossip about you
• go after your crushes (or your significant other) again and again
• act overly possessive of you and don't want you to spend time with other friends
• only ever talks about themselves
• never listen to you
• endanger you with their risky behavior or pressure you into doing harmful things
• blame you for what's not good in their lives
• always insist they're right — which means you're always wrong
• gripe constantly about everything and belittle your advice

Helping A Friend Who Is Hurting

What Helps?

Sometimes we want to be helpful to an adult friend who is feeling bad.

How can we offer personal help to a friend?

How can we guard against damaging our relationship with them in the process?

THREE GUIDING PRINCIPLES

1. Do you really WANT to help? 2. Are you willing to ONLY LISTEN unless they specifically ask for more? 3. Can you pay attention to their EMOTIONS instead of their problem?

DON'T THINK FOR THEM

Giving advice or offering explanations and interpretations without being asked is insulting. (It implies that you think your friend can't think for themselves.)

DON'T INVITE MORE EMOTION THAN YOU CAN HANDLE

Even if it is clearly asked for, don't invite emotional release unless you can stay with your friend while they experience their feelings. (Don't say "maybe you need a good cry" unless you are willing to sit through the tears!)

DON'T GET LOST IN THE PROBLEM

Your friend will be telling you about some problem that has lots of emotion attached to it. Pay attention to the emotion, not the problem.

If they are sad, show that you care about how bad it feels. If they are angry, help them to talk it out (without either agreeing or disagreeing). If they are scared, comfort them physically (if that's appropriate) or with your words. If they are feeling guilty, ask them to think about whether they might be angry instead.

REMEMBER WHY THEY CAME TO YOU

If they had wanted a preacher, a therapist, or a parent they could have gone to one. They came to you because they wanted a friend!

BEING A FRIEND

Two things can help when we feel bad, love and therapy. Therapists offer therapy, friends offer love. A true friend is someone who plays with us, enjoys us, and is there for us.

A MAP OF THE PITFALLS

Some people always seem to be feeling bad.

Think about each of your friendships, and ask yourself this question:
"Do we usually just have fun, without talking about some problem?"

If the answer is "no," your friend is not asking you to be a friend, they are asking you to be a counselor or an advisor of some sort.

The potential "pitfalls" in such a relationship are too numerous to mention.

Either back out of this friendship cautiously or insist that it change into something you can both count on to be enjoyable.

Be sure you aren't always trying to help.
"You look bad today, do you want to talk?" "What's wrong with you lately? Is everything OK?"

If you often say things like this to your friends,
you aren't offering friendship,
you are offering a "helping relationship"
(which you evidently need more than your friend!).

Prove your competence in some other way.

Let your friends be.

AGITATION

"Agitation" is a special rhythmic kind of wriggling.
We all do it sometimes.
We might tap a pencil against our desks, or move our legs up and down repeatedly.

PERSISTENT agitation is a sign of extreme emotion and confusion.

If the person you are trying to help agitates constantly ask them to stop it if they can so you can concentrate.

If they keep agitating even after you've asked them to stop a few times, stop talking about the problem (and invite them for a quiet walk or something). This person has so much going on "down deep" that they can't even talk with you well. And if all of that emotion and confusion did come up, it would definitely be way too much for you to handle in a friendship.

WHEN YOUR HELP DOESN'T HELP

When your love and caring isn't enough, don't be afraid to say so.

Remember that you can't really help unless you want to, and you can't possibly want to if you are being overused or if you are running out of time or energy.

Simply say: "I don't think I can help you anymore with this,"

If they ask you where they can turn now, tell them all you know about resources in your community.
If they don't ask, tell them anyway if their level of pain is compelling.

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Do's and Don't's of Relationship

By Ernest Quansah,

Do's are what enhances relationships. Don'ts are what kill relationships. Our surrounding is made up of different people from different backgrounds. Our upbringing, past dating and relationship experiences, etc. all mold our thinking. Even the consequences from our own relationship choices may mold our thinking. As a result, you may develop positive or negatives characteristics from your past relationship experiences. Hence the experiences will become characteristics you will take into the next relationship. So in effect, whether your relationships is going to work or not is predetermined. It all depends on the characteristics you choose to take with you into your relationship. I say this for several reasons. One reason is all human being are capable of changing. As an adult you have a choice in what characteristic you wish to sustain. It is safe to say how you treat your relationship is a choice you make.

Assuming your last relationship was a bad experience; learn not to take that experience into your next relationship. There is a good reason for that. If you want to find that special someone, it is best to introduce positive characteristics into your dating practices. Here is why. The human heart does several things. One of the things it does is it acts as your guide. Your heart, believe it or not is your compass if you wish to be lead to your soulmate.

Some relationship experts refer to the heart as spirit, inner guide, conscience and so forth. The true mission of your conscience is to direct and teach truth. When you endeavor to doing things that are right you are in effect following your conscience dictates. Characteristics and habits of those who follow directions from their conscience to acquire meaningful relationships are such as: integrity, harmony, temperance, patience, thankfulness, honesty, joy, love, goodness, forgiveness, humility, respect, trust, understanding etc. I call these characteristics Do's of relationships. They are qualities that enhance love between man and woman. These qualities predetermine how you will treat your lover. Further more your characteristics also tell your love interest what kind of man or woman you are. Those who are authorities in relationships discovered the collapse of most relationships and marriages are attributed to selfishness. For example, the very moment you decide to enter a relationship just for what you want, you have pre-programmed the relationship to fail. Why? Because your intention is not about sharing your heart with another person but to get what you want. Try and have a relationship that is not me, me, me relationship. This way you will have a greater chance of succeeding. What I am sharing with you has been researched and proven to be one of the best ways to find your Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Relationships are about two people. Take into consideration your partners feelings as well as yours. When you decide to enter a relationship with positive characteristics you have pre-programmed your relationship to work. Consider the words that represent positive characteristics. Do you notice how they also represent real love? Real love is absolutely needed in relationships. It helps prevent you from emotionally injuring your partner. The best part of it is you will not create a person who becomes male or female basher in case the relationship turns out to be temporal.

Fact, if you follow your conscience or inner guide you will be directed away from sparking a dead end relationship. You will be directed to find your soulmate. Human beings were not created to be alone. Neither are we here to have failed relationships. In case you are asking your self, what if I go into a relationship with positive qualities and it does not work? The answer to that is simple. Remember relationships take two people. You may have good intentions before interring a relationship but your love interest may not. In the event that you missed the directions from your conscience, it is okay. Remember this saying? If at first you don't succeed try again. When you try something and it does not work, there is the likelihood that next time you will use a different approach. Changing you approach actually puts you in a better position to succeed next time around provided you do not become discourage by giving up. It is very critical you use methods that are proven to work. Finding that special someone or your soulmate is actually easier than you thought. I can assure you of that. There are fact base and proven methods you can use to find your soulmate. Never ever allow your self to be part of those who claim finding a perfect companion is hard. They are people who have given up and want you to become a quitter just like them. Create a mindset that attracts success. Negative thoughts and discouragement leads to failure. Positive thinking attracts success.

Negative characteristics are such as: vindictiveness, discord, contention, dishonesty, pride, hate, faultfinding, envy, gossip, disrespect, lies, unforgiving, impatience, discouragement, selfishness etc. These negatives characteristics are what I call Don'ts of relationships. They are relationship and marriage killers. They put strain on your relationship and love life. If you are serious about finding that special someone listen and follow your inner guide. Avoid taking negative characteristics into relationship. As a writer and relationship advisor, I try to help my readers by providing free advice on my Website. The site also contains the most powerful relationship secrets ever revealed in an e-book. Depending on researched and proven facts will help you find that special someone. Even bringing out the best in your dates contribute to helping you succeed. Improve your chances of success by adopting and introduce characteristics that will help enhance your relationship.

To get started, I suggest drawing a straight line on a piece of paper. Above the line you may list the positive words at the beginning of this article. Bellow the line list the negative words that represents negative characteristics. You may choose to include your own words if needed. Now transform the words into action in your mind. Pretend there are two people on either side of you. One is treating you in a matter that represents the words above the line. The second person is treating you in ways that represent the words bellow the line. Assess your feelings as to how you are being treated the two imaginary people. Eliminate the negative words from your mind. From then on try and follow your inner guide accompanied by the positive words that illustrates positive characteristics. Use it to enhance your relationship, love life or dating habits. Remember if you want relationship that works, if you want to find your soulmate, you must make choices that will lead you to what you are looking for. Your choice of thoughts and actions will achieve their appropriate results. Good luck.

Ernest Quansah is a writer and expert relationship advisor, specializing in helping singles and couples improve their relationships to achieve emotional and physical fulfillment.

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Learning From All Our Relationships

By Maragaret Paul, PhD.

Professional
Inner Bonding

All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears of domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections - anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance.

While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primary relationships with a partner, these patterns are certainly activated in friendships, work relationships, and relationships with our parents and children. Therefore, if you are not in a primary relationship with a partner, do not despair! You can still be learning from and evolving through all your relationships.

Craig, one of my clients, has not been in a committed relationship for about seven years. Yet most of the work we do together revolves around the problems he has in his work relationships and friendships. Craig is a person who hates to be controlled by others. As soon as he feels someone wanting something from him such as time, attention, or approval, he feels smothered and withdraws. He is highly sensitive to people coming to him from an inner emptiness and "pulling" on him to fill them up. However, his withdrawal doesn't work well for him. When a "puller" comes up against Craig's resistance, the other person tends to pull even more. Craig, who doesn't want to appear rude, ends up giving himself up and caretaking - giving the person what he or she wants. He then feels angry and finds himself not even wanting to be around that person any more. This same dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.

Craig is in the process of developing a powerful adult self who can speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather than withdrawing or complying. He is learning that it may be loving to himself to be open to learning with the other person and say something like, "I feel there is something you are wanting from me. What is it?" He is learning that it may be loving to himself to say, "When you pull on me for approval (or time or attention), it doesn't feel good. I would like to have a caring relationship with you, but I don't want to be responsible for your good feelings."

Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learn from each difficult interaction. For example, if we believe we are inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we will tend to take personally others' cold or judgmental behavior toward us. We may feel rejected and alone, and respond with anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our painful feelings and reactive behavior can alert us to the fact that we need to explore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know you are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of your self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you do, how you perform or how you look, then you will be much less likely to take other's cold or judgmental behavior personally. You might respond with understanding, compassion or with gently removing yourself from the situation, but you would not feel hurt by other's behavior, nor would you get angry, resentful or withdrawn.

All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile ground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing to notice all painful interactions and feelings - even to people with whom you are not involved, such as the person who cut you off on the freeway or the clerk at the market who was rude - you can learn much about your false beliefs about yourself and about what you can and cannot control. Your feelings such as anger at the person who cut you off on the freeway or resentment toward the rude clerk are red flags that let you know it's time to look within and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficult feelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming from your own beliefs rather than from the other's behavior, you are on the road to personal responsibility and the personal power that comes with that.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books,

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Safe Relationship Spaces

By Margaret Paul, Phd

Professional
Inner Bonding

In the depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others. That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants, for example, thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don't have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don't have these things. Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend.

We all intuitively know that the highest experience in life is the sharing of love. However, we often confuse the idea of sharing love with the idea of getting love. We try to get love when we feel empty inside and can share love only when we learn to first fill ourselves with love. We cannot share that which we do not have within. The wounded part of us seeks constantly to get love and avoid pain, resulting in an inability to share love. Until we each accept the full responsibility of becoming strong enough to love, we will not be able to share love. This means creating inner safety by learning how to love ourselves and take responsibility for our own feelings, so that we are not constantly trying to get love.

Most people have deep fears of rejection and abandonment, as well as of domination and engulfment. These fears stem from childhood experiences and from defining our worth externally through others' approval, rather than internally through spiritual eyes of truth. We will be unable to share our love to the fullest extent until we heal these fears of loss of other and of loss of self. We will be unable to create the safe relationship space in which to share love, and a safe world in which to live, until we learn how to create safety within.

Inner Bonding, which is a six step spiritual healing process, is a profound process for healing our fears, creating safety within, and for creating safe relationship spaces, spaces where each person feels free to be fully themselves, to speak their truth and grow into their full potential.

It is possible in all relationships to create loving connection. Family, friends, co-workers, employers and employees, who are willing to learn the skills necessary to heal the blocks to connection can all create safe relationship spaces.

A relationship space is the environment in which the relationship is occurring. It is the energy created by the two people involved. I think of this environment, this relationship space, as an actual entity that both people are responsible for creating. It can be a safe relationship space, which is open, warm, light, and inviting, or it can be an unsafe relationship space, which is hard, dark, unforgiving, and full of fear. The kind of environment in which our relationship takes place is crucial to its success--or failure.

At the heart of all relationship issues is our intent. We are always choosing our intent, but most people are unconscious of the fact that they are making a choice each moment. At any given moment there are only two possible intents to choose from:

• The intent to avoid painful feelings and responsibility for them, through some form of controlling behavior.
• The intent to learn about loving ourselves and others and take full responsibility for our own feelings and behavior.

Every relationship has a system. The system may be open and loving, or controlling and unloving. Relationship systems start surprisingly early, sometimes within the first minutes or days of meeting.

A safe relationship space exists when two or more people intend to learn and are willing to take full personal responsibility for their own feelings, while accepting that their energy and behavior affects others. When both individuals fully accept that they are a part of an energy system, i.e., they recognize that each person's energy affects the other, and they are willing to take responsibility both for their own controlling behavior and for their responses to the controlling behavior of others, they create a safe relationship space. Such a space is a circle of loving energy that results from each person's deep desire to learn what is most loving to themselves and others. To create a safe relationship space, all persons involved need to be deeply committed to learning about their own controlling behavior, rather than focusing on what another is doing. Rather than giving themselves up to avoid rejection or attempting to get others to give themselves up to feel safe, each person is devoted to their own and the other's highest good, supporting themselves and each other in becoming all they can be.

Many of us have spent a great deal of time in unsafe relationship spaces. In fact, some of us have never experienced a safe relationship space because many, if not most, of us have not learned to create a safe inner space by staying in a loving adult frame of mind when our fears are activated. When our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed and controlled are triggered, most of us are triggered into a child state and immediately retreat into our learned controlling behaviors. We may move our focus into our minds to avoid our feelings; we may attack, blame, defend, demand, explain, deny, judge, criticize, shut down, withdraw, resist, give in and comply, placate, lie, become overly nice, and so on. Of course, the moment we act out in controlling ways, our behavior may trigger another's fears of being rejected or controlled, and that person may then react in controlling ways as well, creating a vicious circle and an unsafe relationship space.

If, when these fears are activated, we focus on who is at fault or who started it, we perpetuate an unsafe relationship space. Blaming another for our fears (and for our own reactive, unloving behavior) makes the relationship space more unsafe than ever. Then both people in the relationship end up feeling bad, each of us believing that our pain is the result of the other person's behavior. We feel victimized, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from our partner. We desperately want the other person to see what they are doing that (we think) is causing our pain. We think that if the other person only understands this, they will change--and we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to make them understand.

Over time, being in an unsafe relationship space creates distance between the people involved. When we have not created a safe space in which to speak our complete, heartfelt truth about ourselves, the joy between us gradually dies. And the more we hold back our innermost feelings and experiences, the shallower our connection becomes. Our intimacy crumbles.

In friendships, marriages, and work relationships, our joy, aliveness, and creativity get lost as we each give up parts of ourselves in an attempt to feel safe. In romantic relationships, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place. We try valiantly to figure out what went wrong. But too often we ask, "What am I doing wrong?" or "What are you doing wrong?" rather than inquiring into the health of the relationship space itself. Only when we look at the relationship space will we see what we are each doing to create the unsafe space. The dual fears of losing the other through rejection and losing ourselves through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of our unloving, reactive behavior. These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else's love. On the contrary, we must heal these fears before we can share love--give and receive love--with each other.

The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where we can work with and overcome our fears of rejection and engulfment. This is a process, not an event. Practicing the six step process of Inner Bonding gradually creates inner safety as we learn to take personal responsibility for our own feelings and behavior. Inner Bonding guides us in defining ourselves internally through the eyes of our personal spiritual guidance, instead of externally through performance, looks, and others' approval. In addition, it provides us with a clear process for conflict resolution that can be used in any relationship difficulty. Instead of love eroding with time, love deepens daily, supporting each person in the sacred journey of the soul's evolution.

Any two people who are willing to learn to create their own inner sense of safety can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will endure.

Make Your

Relationship Last

It's easy to fall in love. It's easy to be in love when you are young and carefree. But it is not so easy to stay in love when you are confronted with all the challenges and stress that your are presented with daily just living in the fast-paced, multi-tasking world today.

This site will present an honest discussion on what it takes to fall in love and more importantly, what it takes to stay in love when the going gets tough. We will talk about the ABCs on of building healthy relationships and, so that you can be alerted to possible problem areas, we will cover the ABC's of unhealthy relationships as well. We will also talk a bit about your options if you opt not to stay in your current relationship.

So let's get started, shall we? We will begin by talking about LOVE itself, the essential ingredient common to both dating and relationships.

Love Truths: Myth or Reality?

Let's begin by taking a look at some of the more common concepts above "love" relationships and see if they are myths or based upon reality.

"All we need is love." Myth or not? Since love does seem to be able to overcome anything and everything, at least on television and at the movies, this seems like a reality. However, the truth is, making relationships work takes skill and hard work, regardless of the "love" factor. So there is perhaps a partial myth here.

Just like in fairy tales, once true love is found, people live happily ever after. Truth or myth? Granted couples can look into each other's eyes and have those warm fuzzy feelings. However, the truth is, all couples will have their ups and downs. "Happily ever after" seems to imply a perfect, problem-free relationship when in reality, those don't exist.

It has to be "love at first sight" in order to work long-term. Myth or truth? While this can be true for some, it certainly doesn't have to be for all couples in long-term relationships. Many people grow together over time. 

What is Love?

Love is a chemical state of mind that's part of our genes and influenced by our upbringing. We are wired for romance in part because we are supposed to be loving parents who care diligently for our helpless babies.

Romantic love both exhilarates and motivates us. It is also critical to the continuation of our species. Without the attachment of romantic love, we would live in an entirely different society that more closely resembled some (but not all) of those social circles in the animal world.

The chemicals that race around in our brain when we're in love serve several purposes, and the primary goal is the continuation of our species. Those chemicals are what make us want to form families and have children. Once we have children, those chemicals change to encourage us to stay together to raise those children. So in a sense, love really is a chemical addiction that occurs to keep us reproducing.

But let's get down to the nitty gritty. What is it that makes us fall in love with someone in the first place?

We all have a template for the ideal partner buried somewhere in our subconscious. It is this love map that decides which person in that crowded room catches our eye. But how is this template formed?

Appearance

Many researchers have speculated that we tend to go for members of the opposite sex who remind us of our parents. Some have even found that we tend to be attracted to those who remind us of ourselves.

In fact, cognitive psychologist David Perrett, at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland, did an experiment in which he morphed a digitized photo of the subject's own face into a face of the opposite sex. Then, he had the subject select from a series of photos which one he or she found most attractive. According to Dr. Perrett, his subjects always preferred the morphed version of their own face (and they didn't recognize it as their own).

Personality

Like appearance, we tend to form preferences for those who remind us of our parents (or others close to us through childhood) because of their personality, sense of humor, likes and dislikes, etc.

Pheromones

The debated topic of human pheromones still carries some weight in the field of love research. The word "pheromone" comes from the Greek words pherein and hormone, meaning "excitement carrier".

In the animal world, pheromones are individual scent "prints" found in urine or sweat that dictate sexual behavior and attract the opposite sex. They help animals identify each other and choose a mate with an immune system different enough from their own to ensure healthy offspring. They have a special organ in their noses called the vomeronasal organ (VNO) that detects this odorless chemical.

The existence of human pheromones was discovered in 1986 by scientists at the Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia and its counterpart in France. They found these chemicals in human sweat. A human VNO has also been found in some, but not all, people. Even if the VNO isn't present in all of us -- and may not be working in those who do have it -- there is still evidence that smell is an important aspect of love (note the booming perfume industry). An experiment was conducted where a group of females smelled the unwashed tee shirts of a group of sweaty males, and each had to select the one to whom she was most "attracted." Just like in the animal world, the majority of the females chose a shirt from the male whose immune system was the most different from their own.

  Types or Stages of Love

There are three distinct types or stages of "love":

1. Lust, or erotic passion
2. Attraction, or romantic passion
3. Attachment, or commitment

When all three of these happen with the same person, you have a very strong bond. Sometimes, however, the one we lust after isn't the one we're actually in love with.

Lust

When we're teenagers, just after puberty, estrogen and testosterone become active in our bodies for the first time and create the desire to experience "love." These desires, a.k.a. lust, play a big role both during puberty and throughout our lives.

According to an article by Lisa Diamond, entitled "Love and Sexual Desire" (Current Directions in Psychological Science, vol 13 no. 3), lust and romantic love are two different things caused by different underlying substrates. Lust evolved for the purpose of sexual mating, while romantic love evolved because of the need for infant/child bonding. So even though we often experience lust for our romantic partner, sometimes we don't -- and that's okay. Or, maybe we do, but we also lust after someone else. According to Dr. Diamond, that's normal.

Sexologist John Money draws the line between love and lust in this way: "Love exists above the belt, lust below. Love is lyrical. Lust is lewd."

Pheromones, looks and our own learned predispositions for what we look for in a mate play an important role in whom we lust after, as well. Without lust, we might never find that special someone. But, while lust keeps us "looking around," it is our desire for romance that leads us to attraction.  

Attraction

While the initial feelings may (or may not) come from lust, what happens next -- if the relationship is to progress -- is attraction. When attraction, or romantic passion, comes into play, we often lose our ability to think rationally -- at least when it comes to the object of our attraction. The old saying "love is blind" is really accurate in this stage. We are often oblivious to any flaws our partner might have. We idealize them and can't get them off our minds. This overwhelming preoccupation and drive is part of our biology.

In this stage, couples spend many hours getting to know each other. If this attraction remains strong and is felt by both of them, then they usually enter the third stage: attachment.

Attachment

The attachment, or commitment, stage is love for the duration. You've passed fantasy love and are entering into real love. This stage of love has to be strong enough to withstand many problems and distractions. Studies by University of Minnesota researcher Ellen Berscheid and others have shown that the more we idealize the one we love, the stronger the relationship during the attachment stage.

Psychologists at the University of Texas in Austin have come to the same conclusion. They found that idealization appears to keep people together and keep them happier in marriage. "Usually, this is a matter of one person putting a good spin on the partner, seeing the partner as more responsive than he or she really is," says Ted Huston, the study's lead investigator. "People who do that tend to stay in relationships longer than those who can't or don't."

Playing a key role in this stage are oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins, which are released when having sex.

Let's find out more about the chemistry of love. 

The Chemistry of Love

There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you're in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we're in long-term relationships. Of course, estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive area. Without them, we might never venture into the "real love" arena.

That initial giddiness that comes when we're first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. Researchers say this is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we're releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the "pleasure chemical," producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement.

According to Helen Fisher, anthropologist and well-known love researcher from Rutgers University, together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. She also says, "The human body releases the cocktail of love rapture only when certain conditions are met and ... men more readily produce it than women, because of their more visual nature."

Researchers are using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to watch people's brains when they look at a photograph of their object of affection. According to Helen Fisher, a well-known love researcher and an anthropologist at Rutgers University, what they see in those scans during that "crazed, can't-think-of-anything-but stage of romance" -- the attraction stage -- is the biological drive to focus on one person.

The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. In other words, couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else.

Another possible explanation for the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage comes from researchers at University College London. They discovered that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and also that neural circuits associated with the way we assess others are suppressed. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.

Chemical Bonding
 

In romantic love, when two people have sex, oxytocin is released, which helps bond the relationship. According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, the hormone oxytocin has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people." When it is released during orgasm, it begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond. Oxytocin is also associated with mother/infant bonding, uterine contractions during labor in childbirth and the "let down" reflex necessary for breastfeeding.

Vasopressin, an antidiuretic hormone, is another chemical that has been associated with the formation of long-term, monogamous relationships. Dr. Fisher believes that oxytocin and vasopressin interfere with the dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, which might explain why passionate love fades as attachment grows.

Endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, also play a key role in long-term relationships. They produce a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure. Like dopamine and norepinephrine, endorphins are released during sex; they are also released during physical contact, exercise and other activities. According to Michel Odent of London's Primal Health Research Center, endorphins induce a "drug-like dependency."  

The Long Haul?
 

What about when that euphoric feeling is gone? According to Ted Huston at the University of Texas, the speed at which courtship progresses often determines the ultimate success of the relationship. What they found was that the longer the courtship, the stronger the long-term relationship.

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time. Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. The chemicals responsible for "that lovin' feeling" (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults.

Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends.

If the relationship can advance, then other chemicals kick in. Endorphins, for example, are still providing a sense of well-being and security. Additionally, oxytocin is still released when you're having sex, producing feelings of satisfaction and attachment. Vasopressin also continues to play a role in attachment.

 Sexuality and Sensuality

There is no clear borderline between sexual and nonsexual enjoyment of touching someone else's body. For example, holding hands may or may not have a sexual connotation, depending on culture, situation and other factors. There are, however, actions that are clearly sexual by almost anyone's definition but which have been argued by an accused as not having sexual relations since the most common form of heterosexual sexual intercourse had not occurred. The distinction between sexual and nonsexual behavior can be relevant due to social rules.

Some criteria that may be applied are:

• the body parts involved
• physical signs of sexual arousal
• subjective feeling

While enjoying touching the body of someone else implies enjoying one's own body also, the latter may also happen without another person; enjoying one's own body also may or may not be of a sexual nature. If it is, it is called autoeroticism.

The whole of one's sexual activities (including erotic and wet dreams and waking sexual fantasies and daydreams) is called one's sex life. 

Desire and Fantasy

Sexual desire or libido is the desire for sexual behavior. Most people focus their sexual desire on someone that they have a sexual relationship with, or would desire to have a sexual relationship with.

Many people enjoy fantasizing about, or reading or viewing depictions of, sexual fantasies of activities that they do not wish to engage in in their own lives, or that they would be unable to engage in in their own lives. 

Factors Determining Sexual Attraction for Women

A strong aspect to sexual attraction is proportion. Some studies suggest that the source of the physical attraction of a human male to a human female is dependent upon a proportion between the width of the hips to the width of the waist, sometimes referred to as the Golden ratio (approximately 1.618).

It is not unusual for a plastic surgeon to correct smaller errors of proportion, such as making a nose that is too big smaller (via rhinoplasty), or making breasts that are too small larger via breast implants.

One idea of physical beauty regarding the breasts of women is that the best shape approaches the shape of a three dimensional parabola (which is called a Paraboloid of revolution) as opposed to a hyperbola, or a sphere. Conversely, the shape of the buttocks of an attractive person (male or female) tends to resemble the shape of a cardioid, which is the inverse transform of a parabola.

The appearance of health also plays a part in physical attraction. Often, women with long hair appear more beautiful as the ability to grow long healthy looking hair is an indication of continuous health of the individual growing it. Another indication of health of an individual is the ability to grow long, strong, fingernails. Therefore, artificial nails and manicures have become widely popular in late 20th century with women.

Weight seems at first sight to be a physical factor in attractiveness of both genders (typically women), but there is some debate that this is actually a function of social desirability. In some cultures, both historically and in the present day, a fat woman is or was seen as sexually attractive. However, this cannot be solely because fat deposits provide the energy needed for developing a healthy fetus, as in other cultures, women so thin as to stand a high risk of miscarriage are considered attractive. Rather, weight is a visible indicator of social status and wealth; in some societies, only the rich can afford to be fat, while in others, only the rich can afford liposuction and personal trainers. Therefore weight is at least partially an indicator of social status, which is itself sexually desirable to many. 

Factors Determining Sexual Attraction for Men

Sexual attraction for man by a woman is determined largely by the height of the man. For the woman, the man should be at least a few inches taller than her in order for her to be sexually attracted to him. It would be preferable if the man is at least a little above the average in height in the given population of males. This implies that women look for signs of social dominance and power as factors that determine male beauty. Women are attracted to men who display possession of resources and wealth, shows influence in social group, and display a promise or prospect of upward social mobility.

Males demonstrate attractiveness by, sometimes, demonstrating their levels of the hormone testosterone by growing larger and well-defined muscles through exercise.

At various times in history and throughout various cultures and sub-cultures the growth, maintenance and display of facial or body hair produced as a by-product of testosterone activity within male bodies has been considered a primary characteristic of sexual attractiveness, and of a display of masculinity in general. Cultural development seems to oscillate through multi-generational cycles from one pole to another: extreme hair growth, especially of facial hair accompanied by elaborate grooming rituals is often followed within a couple of generations by a widespread antipathy to body hair and the widespread adoption of depilatory practices.

The causal mechanism for this oscillation has not been established but differences in the simultaneous characterization of body hair attractiveness within a culture between different social classes may indicate that the dynamic force driving the diffusion of differing male body hair social practices is in fact mate selection by females. Sociological and genetic studies in developed nations have indicated that in general females tend to mate with males of a slightly higher socioeconomic status. Therefore there are several loci of female attraction to male body hair "chasing" each other through society in a roughly vertical direction. Thus particular male attitudes to their body and facial hair within a social stratum are generated largely by the attitudes extant within women of a slightly lower socio-economic status.

Personality and Sexual Attractiveness

Provided that all of the above listed aspects are reasonably normal, there is no requirement for great physical beauty for a person to be sexually attractive, and personality and good manners can come to the fore. In many cases, people with good personality can be strikingly sexually attractive, even if they are superficially sexually unattractive in appearance. The personality characteristics of a dominant male may override any other logical or superficial flaws. 

Sexual Relationships

Opinions and norms vary about whether an emotional bond of a certain intensity and durability should be a prerequisite for sex (see also below).

Like other primates, humans use sexuality for reproduction and for maintenance of social bonds. It is generally acknowledged that children are capable of feeling sexual pleasure, even if they are not yet able to engage in sexual intercourse with each other, and/or are not yet biologically able to reproduce. Yet, child sexuality has historically been severely limited in western societies; in the late 19th century, the hysteria surrounding so-called "self-abuse" (masturbation) among children reached its peak and fueled the adoption of circumcision (including female circumcision) in some cultures.

Many sexual activities can be engaged in by same sex or opposite sex partners. However some, most notably vaginal sexual intercourse, can only be engaged in by partners of opposite sexes. As with other behaviors, our high intelligence and complex societies have produced in us the most complicated sexual behaviors of any animal. Most people experiment with a range of sexual activities during their lives, though they tend to engage in only a few of these regularly.

While most people enjoy some sexual activities, some people avoid sexual activities altogether for religious or other reasons (i.e. chastity, sexual abstinence, asexuality). Other people foster sexual relationships primarily with themselves and are referred to as autosexual. Historically, most societies and religions have viewed sex as appropriate only within marriage. There is still a widespread belief that sex acts are devalued when engaged in outside of a long-term, monogamous romantic relationship, but extra-marital sexual activity and casual sex became increasingly accepted in modern society during the sexual revolution.

Norms and Rules

Sexual behavior, like other kinds of social activity, is generally governed by rules which are culturally specific and vary widely

Nearly all cultures consider it a serious crime to force someone to engage in sexual behavior or to engage in sexual behavior with someone who does not consent. This is called sexual assault, and in the case of sexual intercourse it is called rape, the most serious kind of sexual assault. Details on this distinction may vary. Also, precisely what constitutes effective consent to have sex varies from culture to culture and is frequently debated. Laws regulating what constitutes consent, including the minimum age at which a person can consent to have sex, are frequently the subject of debate.

Prostitutes, engage in various sexual activities as a business transaction; this is legal but often associated with other forms of illegal activity.

Various forms of same-gender sexual activity are prohibited under law in many areas at different times in history. In 2003, the Lawrence v Texas United States Supreme Court decision overturned all such laws in the US.  

Classification of Sex Moves

Touching may include: Holding hands, hugging, sitting or lying against each other, caressing (gently stroking body parts or hair with hand), cuddling, back rub and message, kissing
Hugging: gently enclosing the arms around the trunk of each other

Physical intimacy involves: Physical closeness, touching (especially tenderly), touching intimate parts, outercourse, sexual penetration

The list is logically in order of increasing degree, with each form implying the previous one, but of course, it is not necessarily in order of increasing enjoyment.

While the best-known sexual behavior is vaginal intercourse, the wide range of human sexual activities includes, but is not limited to: anal sex, BDSM, foreplay, masturbation, all forms of oral sex, outer-course, petting, seduction, frotteurism, tribadism, fisting and sexual fetishism.

Birth Control and STDs

All sexual behaviors that involve the contact of semen with the vagina or vulva may result in pregnancy. To prevent pregnancy, many people employ a variety of birth control measures.

All sexual behaviors that involve contact with another person or the bodily fluids of another person entail some risk of transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which is why safe sex techniques are recommended. These techniques are generally less necessary for those in committed monogamous relationships with partners who have been demonstrated to be free of STDs. 

ABC's of Healthy, Happy Relationships

For Healthy, Happy Relationships, here are some basic guidelines for reference. They are in alphabetical order only, not order of importance.

Acceptance - Don't try to change someone. This is a must. If a person really wants to change, that person will need to be motivated and take action. Period. Also regarding acceptance, accept limitations. He is not Superman; you are not Wonder woman. No one is perfect; so do not expect perfection. Accept the little flaws that come with each person. You accept theirs; they accept yours.

That's life!

Bonding - Bonding with another person generally does take time. Communicate - talk, listen, share the good and the bad, ask questions, compliment instead of nag or insult. In short be a friend; make a friend. That is healthy. If this bonding is lacking, it may mean professional help is needed (like a counselor or therapist) or it may be time to move on to healthier relationships.

Communications - Be open to the other person. Check judgmental attitudes at the door. And give chances. Be fair, flexible and friendly. If and when things get out of hand and it is your fault, apologize and ask forgiveness and move on. Similarly, be acceptable to apologies and grant forgiveness, too. Life is too short to stay focused on the negative too long. No need to deny it; face it, deal with it and move on past it to improve and strengthen your relationships.

Dependable - Be a friend; i.e. be dependable. Things happen from time to time and cancellations are a part of life. But on the whole, if you say you'll do something, do it. Take responsibility for your own actions.

Expectations - Movies, romance novels and television shows often portray life, especially human relationships, very differently than it is in the real world - this is no secret. How many people really always look like movie stars, have zero health ailments, endless income without hardly ever going to work, fabulous cars and homes, friends and family who totally adore them and come to their beckon call, no long-term problems because they all end so quickly, etc.? And who can battle serious issues like one person having an affair with someone else, and wrap the whole storyline up in two hours? Get real. Expect a little less than the media portray and learn more about humans by joining the real world scenario.

Flexible - Keep a little mystery in the relationship. Juggle your schedule and invite the other person to a surprise picnic or walk at a local public park area.

Goals - People usually have some goals together over time. Develop some together. Toss what no longer works, what you outgrew or what may no longer seem important or is finished. And then inherit or create new goals. Working toward a common cause like saving for an annual vacation or a new garden area can help people grow together.

Health - Take care of your own health and encourage others, too. Even in this day and age of cable television with movies and the Internet available 24 / 7, it's still amazing the number of people out there who can't "Just say no" to unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drug abuse. Don't be afraid to share your healthy views and encourage healthy choices and living.

Intimacy - Closeness with a person takes time to develop. And there's more to intimacy than physical contact. Intimacy can mean a hug during a tough time, a smile of encouragement in the face of adversity and compassion when you least feel like giving. Don't abuse or take advantage or the other person. And don't let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. Intimacy takes commitment and sharing.

Just say no - You don't always have to be voiceless or agree with someone in a relationship. Be able to say, "No" and be an individual, too.

Keep in Touch - Don't let life separate you too long. With technology today, you can stay in touch with cell phones and email. No need to overdo it and be obsessive and controlling, but do stay in touch off and on throughout the day with quick "Hellos" and "How are things going?"

Lemonade - Make lemonade out of those relationship lemons. And "yes" there will be some, since life is not perfect! For example, when your partner is late and you miss a movie date or restaurant reservation, don't make it a night of terror and destroy what's left when you finally do get together. Do something else instead, like relax at home with a video and scented candles, and order subs (and lemonade!)

Make the Honeymoon Last - Remember how your felt when you first got together? Do those little things that you did at the beginning and make the honeymoon last. Bring home fresh flowers, shut off the television, turn on some music and dance with your mate, compliment your mate, make dates to go to places you used to frequent (the old neighborhood pizza parlor, a local drive in, a hotel you went to on your honeymoon, etc.)

Nuts and Bolts - Don't focus so much on the "nuts and bolts" of who said what, when, how often and why they were wrong…. In other words, sometimes during an argument, try losing your memory of who did what, when and how many times in the past. Instead, humble yourself, apologize for having messed up and hug your mate!

Open - Open windows when doors close. If you feel you've been pushed to the limit and don't want to try one more time, close the door on that angle of the issue. Take a walk, get some ice cream and cool off (literally). Then return relaxed and refreshed, and open a window to air differences.

Parental Issues - Even the best of relationships deal with someone's past parental issues from time to time. Counseling can help, yes, but something out of the blue can still trigger a parental issue that someone struggles to deal with regardless of age, it seems. In these cases, just realizing and stating that it's normal, may never get resolved and is okay to move on, can work wonders - for both parties.

Quality - With hectic schedules, quality time is important. So even if you can only meet to watch a 30-minute comedy together every evening, make and keep that date. You'll probably be especially glad you did when times get tough and have the wonderful memories to help get you by.
Respect - Respect not only each other, but each other's property, friendships, time, job and …everything. Remember you are sharing life together and need to be courteous to one another and all the affects you.

Sharing - Likewise share and don't be stingy. "You reap what you sow," and "You can't take it with you" when you die, as the sayings go.

Trust - Healthy relationships involve people who trust one another. One person doesn't get involved in unhealthy risks with a third party or lie to the other. There is an open, positive exchange of trust. So if this is lacking, seek help from a professional counselor, if necessary, and see what's wrong.

Understanding - Happy, healthy couples try to understand each other even if it means joining a self-help group, reading library books about something foreign or unknown, or taking time to research and delve into an issue. In other words, take time to gain knowledge and wisdom before jumping the gun on something you may not really understand.

Violence - Violence is not welcome. Period. Don't accept it. Don't dish it out. Anger Management is not just a movie term today. There really is help out there if you or your mate needs it.
Warning Signs - Healthy people are generally alert to warning signs of trouble and head them. Denial isn't part of their life.

X-Ray - Happy people in healthy relationships generally don't look at each other as they look at x-rays. They don't see close-ups of each flaw and character make up. They learn to look beyond the bare essentials and see the whole person.

Youthful Attitude - A youthful attitude can go far in relationships. Old outlooks can spawn resentment, skepticism and other negative connotations. A little dose of daily humor (reading comics, watching or listening to comedy, etc.) and keeping in touch with youth (church activities, neighborhood / social nonprofit functions and events, etc.) can help maintain a fresh, youthful outlook.

Zombie - Don't go through life like you're a zombie! It's not up to your mate to fulfill your life. You need to take charge yourself!   

ABC's of Unhealthy, Sad Relationships

Unhealthy, Sad Relationships have some general notable characteristics in common. Here are some basic guidelines for reference. They are in alphabetical order only, not order of importance.

Avoidance - Many people in unhealthy relationships simply avoid facing reality. There are many reasons for this. For instance, deep down inside, the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear superior. Or perhaps they don't want to face the fact that their mates really aren't who they say they are. For example, Person A might cover up and make excuses for his mate, Person B, who is always late coming home from work and almost always misses family functions. Person A could be trying to avoid reality and make up excuses to cover up an affair that Person B is involved in so that it doesn't destroy their "perfect image" in everyone's eyes. Or Person A could be avoiding the fact that Person B is a workaholic.

Burnout - Although many can carry out romance throughout their entire relationships, the actual honeymoon period does have to end, in reality. And those who can keep the "love" fires burning, not 24 / 7 but off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of healthier relationships than those who suffer burnout and don't know where to turn or who turn to unhealthy solutions. In short, every relationship has its highs and lows.

During the low times, like maybe when one person begins to feel disillusioned with marriage, or maybe trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let down, if this person reaches out to unhealthy alternatives, like getting a fake substitution - maybe seeking another mate in secret, getting "high," or some other negative behavior, once-healthy relationships can suffer. Instead, the couple needs to face issues together; add some new goals to the relationship, do some fun things together more, talk more, etc.

Compatibility Issues - Opposites attract; or do they? Sure it's great to have some "spice" in your life. But relationships are about getting your needs met - at least on some level. And constant negativity can certainly hinder intimacy. So those who have a difficult time focusing on what attracted them to their mates in the first place can suffer unhealthy, sad relationships, constantly in conflict over issues with which they can't agree.

Devotional Void - A lack of commitment or ardent love can make for unhappy relationships. Being friends or roommates is one thing. Being committed, loving soul mates is another. Being "in love" 24/7 doesn't necessarily have to be a requirement, but being in a "loving" committed relationship can make the difference.

Enthusiasm Dwindles - If you don't add in some spice once in awhile, you can get the same old, same old. Couples caught up in routines can lose that spark of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life in their relationships if they forget to be spontaneous once in awhile or forget to flavor their relationship with fun, adventure, romance.

Forgiveness Void - No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive, can pretty much count on having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they'll die.

Guise - Simulated relationships or those under the guise of having a solid, happy relationship are not destined for success, on the whole. Or rather false is as false does, as Forest Gump might say. Pretending wears thin and doesn't last long.

Harm - Harmful thoughts, words and actions can sure lead to unhealthy relationships. An occasional outbreak during a stressful moment might be considered normal like swearing; i.e. if someone hasn't been raped, battered (or other sever trauma has occurred) by the other party. However, harmful, violent actions such as those and repeated verbal negativity is abusive and not healthy in relationships - or life.

Indulgence - Instant gratification or indulgence of unhealthy behaviors is a sign of trouble. Grabbing chocolate to satisfy a craving is one thing. Grabbing illicit drugs or another mate in secrecy is another. Yielding to unhealthy temptations and desires is a pathway to unhealthy relationships.

Just say yes - Not being able to draw boundaries or sustain limits is another possible path to sad relationships. For example, if one person in the relationship has a difficult time saying "No" and setting limits, his or her mate could always come in second, third or forth - - rarely first in the other person's eyes and agenda. And while it's fine to take a back seat once in awhile, people make time for priorities and in healthy relationships, both parties feel and share the value of being number one with one another.

Kick the Dog - Kicking the dog, not in a literal sense (although that would be negative, too!) is characteristic of unhealthy relationships. For example, if a person comes home angry and passes this anger on to the dog by kicking it, that is not a healthy release of anger. The unhealthier people are, the unhealthier they generally deal with stress. Help is available.

Lemons - Unhealthy relationships often have at least one party who can't seem to make lemonade out of life's lemons. Maybe he or she has the wrong recipe. Or maybe the person is a bad cook. But assistance is needed in this department!

Management Mania - Remember the "Odd Couple?" A super manager personality can ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Likewise a super sloth can wreak one, too. A little give and take is called for.

"Neverland" - Ever heard something this in an argument, "You never….?" Well trips to Neverland are for Peter Pan. Skip the "always" and "nevers" in arguments and avoid unhealthy relationship issues. It's rare that someone does or does not do something 100 percent of the time. Memories just seem to fail during opportunistic, stressful episodes sometimes (not always, though!)

Ominous - Bad or ominous feelings, an omen…a feeling deep inside that tells you something is wrong -
this often accompanies unhealthy relationships.

Pressure - When one party pressures (or forces) the other to have sex, this is characteristic of an unhealthy relationship.

Questions - Part of communicating is asking and answering questions. If this process causes problems, i.e. even the simplest of questions arouses anger, suspicions, fighting, etc., this is a trait often found with unhealthy relationships. The party who has difficulty answering questions may be hiding something, dealing with control issues or dealing with substance abuse (or other).

Responds Inappropriately - Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include playing head games, trying to humiliate, using threats, insults or jealousy. These inappropriate responses suggest unhealthy environment between the couple.

Silence - Silence isn't always golden, as the saying goes. If one person shuns or ignores the other, outside of a solitary or very brief occurrence, this can reflect an unhealthy relationship.

Treatment - If healthcare treatments are being ignored or stopped without the help of a professional; for example, in the case of stopping anti-depressant medication after a severe (negative) episode (like suicide), this can signal an unhealthy relationship. People need to take care of themselves and not leave everything up to their mates in relationships.

Untidy / Unkempt - When one or both partners disregards physical appearance for the duration (long-term, not just for a weekend), this signals an unhealthy relationship. One or both could be abusing substances, for example, or suffering depression.

Verbal Abuse /Violate - When one or both partners use verbal abuse and / or violate or cause harm to the other's person or personal property, things or friends, this can be a red flag for an unhealthy relationship. People should respect each other and each other's property, things and friends. And verbal abuse is not appropriate.

Weapons - Threatening a partner with a weapon, even if it's a household (or other) item used as a weapon is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Xerox - A trait of an unhappy relationship can be when a person is copying another, failing to be himself or herself. Some personality disorders are also characterized by this trait that reportedly shows up in a number of unhealthy relationships. And help is available.

Youthful Outlook / Emotions - An energetic, youthful attitude toward life is one thing. Youthful expectations; i.e. outlook, and emotions can be characteristic of unhealthy partners. Growing couples need maturity as they grow together and face adult issues. Childish displays of anger, hostility, selfishness, etc., don't have much place in healthy, growing partnerships.

Zero - Growing relationships need a foundation. Zero to grow on is difficult to multiply. Got to start somewhere!  

Lowdown on Long Lasting Love

Now it's time to take a look at the lowdown on how to develop long lasting love. Here are some pointers on how to deal with some of the top issues that when mishandled, can separate the men from the boys, as they say, or rather the successful couples from the less-successful ones.

Conflict Management 

The key here is to realize that most couples do not solve every issue. In fact, reports show that couples don't solve most of their problems. So if you think your girlfriends or buddies are winning more frequent battles than you, forget about it. It's not happening.

Next realize that statistics still reflect about a 50 percent survival rate for married couples long-term. (i.e. the other half divorce). And for those who do make it, it's not so much about whether or not they "love" each other more than the divorced people did. It's generally more about that fact that they developed better communication skills and learned to understand each other better. And developed and learning - these are action verbs.

As you develop and learn your own job skills for advancement, so can you and should you do the same for relationship advancement. There is no shame in reaching out and improving in this area.

Tips for developing better communication skills and learning to understand your mate better (i.e. improve conflict management) are as follows:

·         Take turns speaking and listening to each other. As a speaker, speak only for yourself and keep your comments brief. The stop and invite the listener to sum up what you said (to make sure he or she understood).

·         Then allow the other person to take over and follow the same format.

·         Share back and forth in this same manner, jotting down conflict management notes as needed for following up later and establishing new boundaries in your relationship. 

Tips for Handling Conflict Resolutions

1. Start with the person presenting his or her complaint in a general format, without blame. For example, instead of saying, "You keep leaving dirty dishes out on the counter all night," say "I don't like it when dirty dishes are left out on the counter. During my college days, that attracted cockroaches."

2. Encourage each other to come to an agreement in a calm, friendly manner. Negotiate. Give and take. Maybe the dishes from late night snacks don't have to be washed with soap and hot water, but can simply be rinsed off instead and stacked in the sink's dishpan or strainer, for instance.

3. If negativity starts, stop it ASAP. In the above example, maybe the mate wants all sinks clear and free for emptying coffee cups and other snack and breakfast dishes. So this person starts swearing, calling the other person a lazy idiot or something…STOP.

4. Calm things back down. Use hand signals like coaches do in sports, if necessary. Men can often relate to this. Do a "time out" mode. And take a breather or break for a few minutes.

5. Then go back to where things were fine, just before step "3." Inject some humor and try to resolve the conflict again. Maybe joke about how you pay much more for your residence now and don't have cockroach problems. And that OK, one sink can be left clear, the other will hold a strainer of rinsed-off items. Any dirty ones can be placed / stacked on one side of the strainer; rinsed items on the other. Done deal! 

Money Management

Some counselors say that money handling is the number one priority issue of conflict among couples. Problems arise with how money is viewed, how it should be save, spent and even earned. So here are some general guidelines to money management to help iron out some financial issues for couples.

1. Decide to set aside some time for discussing your financial matters in peace and quiet. Doing this quarterly (or monthly, if time and patience allow) is a good idea. Then you can make sure your budget is on track and allow a glance ahead at possible items coming up that may have been missed (like renewal of driver's licenses) and look back to see how you are doing.

2. Gather all of your budgeting materials in one place; notebook paper, 3-prong folder with pockets for storing bills as they arrive in the mail, stamps, calculator, envelopes, check book, savings book, pencil, pen. When it's time to work on your finances, bring everything out at once (maybe store in a special drawer or box for handy pick-up-and-go.)

3. On a sheet of notebook paper (or a sheet from a budget planning guidebook or software print out), list each monthly expense; rent / house payment, each utility, charities / tithing, grocery money, misc. funds (to allow for medicines, snacks, CD rental, etc.), car payments, insurance, credit card payments, etc.

For guidelines, there are several things you can do; check with your local bank for budget planning help, ask a librarian for help finding budget books, check your computer's software (Microsoft Word has some business / budgeting sheets that could be altered to fit your family planning needs, for instance), visit local office supply stores to see which types of budget planner notebooks and guide they may have available, surf online or use the following one enclosed and revise it to suit your needs. Hint: visit www.digital-women.com/daily-planner for lots of planner pages to choose from (for men and women!)

4. Fill in the blanks on your budget planner page. List how much each monthly payment is in #3 above. Then total the list to see how much income you need to cover all your expenses.

5. Note your incomes in a separate column off to the side. Does your income exceed your expense total? If so, great. Simply have fun choosing what you'd like to both do with your extra income, with long-term and short-term goals that are compatible with both of you. If not, if income does not exceed expenses, and this is the area where discourse usually strikes, it's time to whittle down your expenses and / or earn extra income.

Here are tips on whittling down income and being more budget-conscious with your available funds:

·         Use coupons, even cyber-ones like from www.valpak.com

·         Check with your insurance about higher deductibles and any special rate savings programs they may have (like good driving discounts).

·         Visit second hand stores for used books and clothing.

·         Donate time and volunteer work instead of tithing money

·         Buy no-name foods, toiletry and household items (shampoos, deodorants, light bulbs, etc.) instead of brand names.

·         Cook at home more as entertainment and invite your neighbors and friends over. And skip eating out so much, renting CD / DVDs and going to movies.

·         Track and monitor your spending. Jot purchases in a notebook and keep handy with your checkbook for quick reference. Review and see how you do weekly. Improve!

·         Plan ahead. For example, save a little each month for Christmas so that in December, you'll already have what you need for gifts already saved up. Likewise for annual insurance billings (like for the house) or for any other annual billings.

·         See if you can trade services with others. For example, if you have a computer and can toss up a decent web page maybe you can create web pages for small business in the area in exchange for gift cards to use in their stores.

·         Sell some of your stuff - try online auctions, garage sales, cheap classifieds, bulletin boards around town…

·         Resist the urge to "immediately" fulfill a want. Instead, keep a list going of "wants." If an item has been on there for a year, for example, then begin shopping for it. Look for bargains, try to trade for it, negotiate for a better deal. Waiting generally means you'll really want it more (or not, and cross it off your list) and will actually USE it when you get it and not just toss it in a pile with other unopened or hardly used things that you just HAD to have.

·         Check out library books like:
The Cheapskate Monthly Money Makeover, by Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Press; Reissue edition (March 1, 1995).
Miserly Moms: Living on One Income in a Two-Income Economy, by Jonni McCoy; Bethany House Publishers; 3rd edition (October 1, 2001).
The Complete Cheapskate: How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out, and Break Free from Money Worries Forever, by Mary E. Hunt, Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Griffin; 1st edition (August 1, 2003). 

Relationship Self-Help Exercise

Self-help to help your relationship improve. Here are some exercises to take by yourself and share with your mate. Take them slow and steady, at your own pace. Have fun with them. (There are no grades!)

Instructions: Jot your replies down on paper if you like or in a private "couple's" journal fur future reference. Add to them, modify them, edit them as you'd like. The key is to have fun, learn more about yourself, your mate and your relationship together, and grow.

Exercise A: List your three best traits. Then list your mate's top three traits you admire.

Exercise B: List the top three areas in your life that you would like to work on improving. These can be any range of things from improving income to education to giving more, losing more weight, being less shy, etc. Then list the top three areas in your mate's life that you'd like to see improved.

Fill in the blanks, and then have your mate reply to the same questions. Take turns reading your replies and learning more about each other:

Regarding my appearance, I think I am _____________________
A funny thing that happened to me was _____________________
One place I would love to visit is ____________________________
If money was no object, I would buy _________________________
A person who meant a lot to me while I was growing up is ___________because ______________________________________
A major lesson I learned in life is _____________________________
If I could have any job in the world, it would be __________________
A hero of mine is (can be fictional) ____________________________
If a dream could come true, I'd like ___________________________

One way I'd like to give back would be ________________________

On a personal note, here is where I would like to be:

1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________

As a couple, here is where I'd like us to be:

1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________

One things about you that makes me smile is ____________________

I'll always remember this about you ___________________________

Exercise C: List what you feel is good about your relationship.


Exercise D: List what you feel could use work / improvement in your relationship.

Exercise E: How could you help improve your relationship? And how do you think your partner could help improve the relationship?

Reply:

1. What is the best memory that comes to mind about your mate?

2. What do you see in the future for your relationship: Location? Jobs? House? Pets? Children? Travel?

3. What fun things would you like to try and do with your mate more (Ballroom dancing? Gourmet cooking? Snow skiing? Other?) When will you schedule one of these new things?



In summary, since the latest reports show that just about anyone and everyone can learn the important social skills needed for relationship building, use these exercises, tips and resources to focus on building your own healthy relationship. Be alert to possible problem areas, and take action to improve your life.

However, if you feel that you are not being met halfway in your efforts and that there is just no way you are going to make your marriage succeed, you may proceed on to the next section...

Bringing Out The Best in Your Relationship

Author: Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist

Note: Ideally, these guidelines work best when both partners follow them; however, a change in one partner's way of responding often encourages a change in the other partner.

Relationships bring out the best and the worst in us. Here are some ways to bring out the best in yours:

1. Focus on yourself. Do things to increase your self-awareness, like how you behave in relationships. It can help to stay aware of patterns, reactions, feelings, beliefs, and triggers (from your childhood and previous relationships) that arise in your relationship. It is often true that how you feel may have little to do with your partner, and is more about you and your past experiences.

2. Take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, needs and behaviour.

Use "I" statements ("I feel..." vs. "You make me feel...") Check out assumptions, interpretations, and fears. State your feelings and thoughts clearly and without blame. Make requests. Ask for what you need. She/he may not know what you need. Know that you may not get exactly what you need. Find ways to meet your own needs.

3. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend.

4. Be present with yourself. This is important not only for your own well-being, but also for your relationship. Being present with yourself can be achieved in different ways, such as meditation, yoga, relaxation, rest, exercise, body awareness, dance, being in nature, and prayer. Anything that helps you to be in the moment will help you to do that with your partner, as well. Many people find that being in the moment while they are with their partner is a lot harder than when they are alone or with other people. Some couples work on this together. You can:

Lie down with your partner in a spoon position (one person's front side hugs the other person's back side) and then breathe in unison for five to ten minutes. Generally it is better if the larger partner follows the breath of the smaller partner. If your mind wanders, bring your focus back to breathing together. Variations of this are standing up and breathing in unison while hugging, and sitting down facing each other, holding eye contact while breathing in unison. This can also be helpful to do when you feel upset or angry with each other.

Sit facing each other. At first, look down or close your eyes. Become aware of your breath. Follow the natural rhythm of your breath, and let your mind be clear of thoughts and worries. When you have done this for a while, open your eyes and look at your partner. S/he may not have opened her/his eyes yet. If not, look at your partner from this meditative place and see what you notice, while you continue to follow your breath.

When your partner opens her/his eyes, hold eye contact, while continuing to follow your breath. If you lose your connection with your breath, take a moment by looking down or closing your eyes to reconnect, and then hold eye contact again. Just notice what you are aware of as you do this.

5. Nurture all of your relationships. Try not to isolate yourself in your primary relationship.

6. Explore your own creativity, needs, independence, leisure activities, hobbies, career. Anything that makes you feel better about yourself, or makes you feel whole and feeds your soul is important and will have a positive effect on your relationship.

7. Take another look. When your partner does something that bothers you, ask yourself, what does this mean to me? Why am I bothered by this? Is there anything from my past that is effecting how I am feeling or seeing this right now? Have I in any way contributed to this issue, perhaps without being aware of it? Is there anything about this issue that might reflect something I don't want to look at within me?

If you are feeling critical or judgmental about your partner's behaviour, step back for a moment and see if you can come up with alternative explanations for that behaviour—ones that are less critical.

If you need to say something, this is a helpful formula to use: When you...(describe behaviour in neutral terms), I feel...(describe feelings without blaming), and I would like to ask that you...(make your request about a concrete behavioural change).

8. Give understanding. Just as you deserve understanding and support, your partner does, too, and it does help to feel understood. Try to see the situation from her/his perspective, especially when you are in conflict.

9. Acknowledge your partner's feelings. You don't have to agree with someone to acknowledge and understand how they feel.

10. Give your partner lots of appreciation. Let your partner know how much you love her/him and why.

11. Accept your partner the way she/he is. This doesn't mean that you don't ask her/him for behavioural changes, or that you accept, for example, being yelled at. It just means that you accept your partner as a person, and believe in her/his good intentions. Contrary to popular belief, really accepting someone brings out the best in them.

12. Don't make sweeping generalizations. No matter how tempting, try not to make sweeping generalizations like "You never...," "You are always...," "You are such a...." Besides the fact that they are not true (no one does the same thing all the time, in every situation), they are hurtful statements that leave people feeling bad about themselves, and can feed into a lack of motivation for change. "If I never do anything right, why bother?"

13. Have complaint sessions. Sometimes couples build up resentments that need airing. It can help to have a "complaint session." One person starts by saying all the things that are bothering her/him, while their partner listens and encourages them to continue by saying, "what else?"

Sometimes by delving deeper, the one who is complaining realizes that there's more to the complaints than what s/he originally thought. The one complaining may start out angry but often will soften, and become more aware of what is really bothering her/him, and what s/he needs. The listener's job is to listen, without comment, and to try not to take it personally. What you are hearing is an indication of how frustrated or angry your partner is right now. Keep in mind that it's not all about you, even if most of the anger is being directed at you. You can switch roles when the first person is done, or at a later time.

14. Take time out. When a conflict is not going anywhere, it can help to take some time away from your partner. Couples usually make up rules about time out, such as don't leave the house, and having a set amount of time for the time out, like 30 minutes, before checking back in with each other about whether or not they can continue the discussion. In cars, time out can just mean that no one talks for a set amount of time. Either partner can call time out, and it should mean immediate silence for an agreed-upon time.

It is always better to have the amount of time set prior to an argument, or you will argue about that! Some couples don't set a specific amount of time, but remain silent for a while, and when they have calmed down enough to feel compassion, they check in with each other about their mutual readiness to continue the conversation or to let it go for now.

15. Listen carefully. If your partner is trying to tell you something and you don't understand, listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, check out what you think they are saying, and keep trying to understand. Many arguments arise from our not really listening to each other, or assuming that we know what the other person is saying without checking it out first. It is always best to check that you understood the other person correctly.

Of course, you won't be able to follow these guidelines one hundred percent of the time, and that's okay; no one can. But if you want your relationship to be based on respect, compassion, and clear communication, it's a good idea to try to follow these guidelines or others that work for you, as much as possible.

 

About the author: Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She has twenty years experience specializing in a variety of issues including sexual abuse, relationships, sexuality, eating disorders, and body image.

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Love Vs. Infatuation

By Michelle Drew, M. Ed.

Mental Health Professional - Retired
Soft Shoulder Advice

Michelle holds an M.Ed. in Counseling Psychology and has spent nearly 30 years counseling adolescents, families, couples, and individuals. Through her website Soft Shoulder Advice she has taken her unique gifts to the web to reach an even broader audience.

Finally, you have met, HIM/HER. You know what I mean, THE ONE. All your life, or so it seems, you have been waiting for the person who made your heart pound, made the stars bright, and taken over all reasonable thought processes with ideas of making love on every beach from here to Tahiti.

You have a weird expression on your face, food suddenly seems like a mere inconvenience and sleep is just something you used to do. Your friends tease you about being in love. Your mother WARNS you about being in love.

Of course, you're not stupid. You've been around (more than Mom knows about), and you have spent time in meditation/therapy having explored your own needs in the world. You want a soul mate but this guy/gal is just so sexy that it's hard to imagine introducing him/her to your parents at all.

So, things are going well and you are looking toward the NEXT STEP, becoming an item. Going public. Everyone knows and invites you as a couple. People you know speculate about the future of YOUR RELATIONSHIP. But the future means forever when it comes to commitment, so how do you know if this is really a good thing?

Are people whispering about how happy they are for you, or are they wondering if you should be committed yourself (like in a secure mental health facility)? And how about yourself? Do you feel comfortable with your newest love interest or do you just want to feel comfortable with someone? Is this the person that you want to spend your life with or are you just afraid to march into the future alone?

These very large questions deserve great considerations. The passions of new love are so entwined in our own emotional makeup, that it seems impossible to find objective considerations when proceeding along love's thorny paths. So, for the purposes of this discussion, let us define love and infatuation so each can be thought about in a more organized manner.

Love as a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature, experience happens upon them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met. Love brings out the best in people as individuals. The relationship between them becomes the way they define their lives. As jobs, careers, and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team to be understanding and flexible so the relationship (their lives) will flourish.

Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising children and taking care of aging relatives. It's about growing old together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.

So what about infatuation? That's when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to center your priorities around him/her as well. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. You both enjoy being together. You both daydream about each other and get all crawly in your underwear. But is it LOVE? I mean, you hate to be wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind perhaps reproducing together (or maybe if you forget to think about it JUST ONCE).

Infatuation as we are defining it here, is a static process characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without positive growth and development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is not necessarily foreplay for a love scenario. People, however, have many reasons for making commitments.

Most people are infatuated with their love partners to a certain degree. People who are in love think of their partners periodically when they are apart (some more than others). Men seem to be better, in general, in compartmentalizing their lives, thereby putting thoughts of loved ones aside until the mind is free to dwell on life. And yes, there are many exceptions and many ranges within the genders.

So how do you know? The question, actually is simple, the answer, however, is not easy to own or accept. And here it is: Does this relationship bring out the best in both of you?

This is the part where you get to assess and evaluate yourself and your partner, and your relationship HONESTLY.

Though difficult, evaluating how things are going at regular intervals can help to give some direction (and re-direct misdirection) to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For those who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy, confused and perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point out some hard truths about oneself, and/or about the person you want to take the next step with.

While you try to evaluate whether or not it is THE REAL THING, here are some things to consider:

Are you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you glad to be alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive daily, like being alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person of value? Does HIS/HER MOTHER know about you?

Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your life better because your boy/girlfriend is in it? Really?

Are you in this relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes life less complicated. You get a built in escort and date. Most people seem to think and feel better as part of a pair. There is a sense of social relief as well meaning family and friends stop trying to fix you up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do you automatically consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate maybe meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and dreams for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams together?

The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all the world pales in comparison to this person's looks, talents, intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the destructive traits and behaviors that degrade self esteem and cause some pretty negative effects on one's choices and decisions.

Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were "in love" with a special teacher, or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what you weren't ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.

Aside from your age, what was it about you that made you make that mistake. Innocence? Loneliness?: A longing to grow up, maybe. But those were things going on in your head. In fact, these feelings had little to do with the actual object of your infatuation (crush). It could be that some of those same feelings and needs exist for you today. Beware of your own vulnerability, and your own desire to "get rescued" from that solitary life of the unpaired.

In time, the faults that you refuse to see will begin to come to the foreground. You may be infatuated with a rich and powerful person, but as you come to know that person on a more intimate basis, the qualities that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.

In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private level than the world at large.

Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is REALITY. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?

Look at the reality of who this person is, not who she/he wants to be. Do you always interact over dinner and drinks? Meet under different circumstances. Become part of each other's lives. If that is not happening, why not? Are you spending and enjoying time together? What happens when you're apart? Are you sure?

Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in love's direction.

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Maintaining Your Individuality In Love
by Paul Mauchline

What is the distinction between mature love and a common misconception of what love is: the symbiotic relationship? Mature love is stable, a union of two people who respect themselves and each other. Symbiotic love is needy and dependent. Symbiotic relationships demand that one person has power over another. This results in the loss of the integrity of both partners. Mature love means that both individuals in the partnership have room to be themselves, even while being together. In the symbiotic relationship, one partner is driven by need and fear that the other partner will leave. In mature love, each partner is free and whole, choosing, rather than being driven, to give love to the other partner.

Mature love requires giving your love with no strings attached, with no expectations. Many of us have learned from society that to give means "to give up" or "to give away" -- in essence, creating a deficit in ourselves. Further, we learn to give only as much as we expect to receive in return, lest we end up feeling cheated by giving more. Giving, as it exists in mature love, is quite different from these types of messages we have received. Rather than being seen as a sacrifice or an investment in future returns, giving in mature love comes from a desire to give and an ability to do so. In the words of Erich Fromm, author of The Art of Loving published in 1956, "Giving is the highest expression of potency... more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness."

In a symbiotic relationship, one partner gives up a significant part of himself or herself in order to maintain a peaceful relationship. This individual, ruled by a fear of being alone, will sacrifice parts of his or her identity for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. Short-term conflict is avoided, and the status quo is maintained. In the long run, though, there is a price to be paid: the loss of one's individuality. If one partner idolizes the other and is willing to sacrifice himself more completely, then the other partner has more power and control over the relationship. When the balance of power is unequal, the relationship becomes unsatisfying for both partners; almost inevitably, it ends. There are a lot of people willing to give up an awful lot to avoid being alone. They are willing to give up who they are, what they are, and what they want and need. They are willing to sacrifice their individuality for the love of another.

Any person who is willing to make such a sacrifice lacks self-love, and thus is incapable of maintaining a mature, loving relationship. Self-love is where love for others has to start. Giving up your individuality will eventually come back to haunt you; you will end up feeling anger, resentment, and/or regret. The outcome of one partner resenting the other is the deterioration of the relationship. People need relationships, but they also need to be fulfilled within themselves. When you give up your dreams for the sake of your partner's, you do so at the cost of your own individuality and personal growth.

When you enter into a relationship, it does not mean that your personal life stops. Your life does not totally change because you are with another person. You have to maintain your own individuality. You have to have your own personal goals. You need to maintain the friendships, hobbies and interests that you had before you met your partner. If you give these up for the sake of your relationship, you are giving up your life. When your partner first met you, they were attracted to you as an individual. It's important that you keep your individuality-- that's what attracted your partner in the first place. Maintaining your individuality will enable you and your partner to build a mature loving relationship.

Many relationships fail today because one partner has given up too much of themselves for the other. You have to love yourself first, before you can love another. If you enter a relationship and give up all the things that define you as an individual, you are not giving yourself the love that you need. Sooner or later, if you lose your identity, if you stop giving to yourself, you will be unable to give to your relationship.

It's important not to confuse identity and individuality with flexibility in your relationship. Individuality is about the things that make you who you are. Flexibility is about compromise. Compromise will always be necessary in any relationship that you have. In order to compromise, you have to be committed to honest communication of your feelings and needs at all times. In building a life together, problems will arise.

Problem solving through honest communication is the key to building a mature, loving relationship. Neither you nor your partner should give up anything that makes you the unique person that you are. It's up to you and your partner to find the balance that you both need to succeed in a rising loving relationship.

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Top experts weigh in on everyday questions: Can we be in love with more than one person at the same time?

Robert J. Sternberg, Ph.D.,

Yale University; President, American Psychological Association

Yes. I have argued that relationships are built upon stories of love, such as a fantasy story (prince and princess), business story (business partners), travel story (travelers through life) and collector story (collector and collectee), among many others. I think it would be difficult to be in love with two people at the same time with the same story. But it is quite possible to love two people via different stories. Given societal norms, such multiple loves are likely to create conflict. Stories are hierarchically arranged, from more to less preferred. It is thus likely that the person with whom you are in love, who is higher in the hierarchy, or possibly to whom you are already committed, will supplant the other person.

Drew Pinsky, M.D.,

MTV "Loveline" co-host, Chief of Service, Department of Medicine, Las Encinas Hospital, Pasadena, California

People are quite capable of being in love with more than one person. Yet the clinical reality is that a healthy individual who is emotionally, spiritually and sexually available for love will find complete satisfaction in a dyadic relationship. Unfortunately, the kind of empathic attunement that's possible in a dyad is unusual these days. More commonly, individuals dissociate parts of themselves from their primary relationship. People suffering from fractured emotional lives-narcissists and borderlines, for example-would say they are capable of being in love with more than one person. The more interesting questions then become: What is revealed about individuals who are in love with more than one person? And how have such choices contributed to family dysfunction?

Mary Hotvedt, C.M.F.T., Ph.D.,

President, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy

In the passive sense of love-the feelings we experience in ourselves-many people would say they have been in love with two people simultaneously. Often this happens to a person's own surprise and results in painful internal conflict. In the active sense of love-caring for the other-loving two becomes far more difficult. Cultures that permit polygamy have very clear rules about balancing the treatment of spouses. In our monogamous culture, few people who love two people in this way are open about it. Secrecy itself brings about imbalance and confusion-it compromises honesty. Even if a person who loves two is honest, few would opt to be one of two.

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