WITHIN THIS TOPIC ARE:
over again - Getting your inner act together.
2. Starting over again - How to reduce your stress now.
How to change your life for the better in 2 weeks.
Embracing The Change Around Us after a Breakup or End of a Relationship.
Newly divorced have their big computers all tied up.
Five Keys to Happiness - Helpful Hints
Memories And Emotions Can Colour Our Awareness
8. Rebound relationships.
9. On the rebound.
We Be Friends? Shifting From Partnership to Friendship
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STARTING OVER AGAIN
by Harlan Jacobsen
GETTING YOUR INNER ACT TOGETHER HAS BEEN LISTED AS
However, you cannot grow and mature as a 'together'
person without other people. To grow, it seems, you have to interact with other people. Sort of have to be able to bounce
things off other people before your big computer processes these things and everything falls in place, makes sense and becomes
part of you.
STAYING HOME AND HIDING OUT FROM PEOPLE AFTER YOUR
STOPS OR AT LEAST RETARDS YOUR PROGRESS
So the more you get out and mix, and interact with
people, the better. You may have some personality distortions but your peers will shape you up. Initially, you will be uncomfortable
with other singles.
Again, we compare it with being transferred to Guatamala.
You didn't ask to be here; you feel uncomfortable with the natives, not quite sure if it is safe to be out mingling with them
or not. What will they expect? Will you feel like an odd ball? Will they ask you to do things you don't want to do?
YOU ARE A NOVICE: TWO MONTHS FROM NOW YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE:
TWO YEARS--LIKE OLD HOME WEEK!
But you have to get out there and mix mingle and really
get to know a lot of people. Some go out with the idea that they can't be bothered getting to know someone unless they are
potential marriage material or someone who may help them "escape" from this "single life" some way.
YOU CAN LEARN AND GROW THROUGH EVERY PERSON YOU MEET
No matter who they are, you can gain from knowing them.
You are probably only comfortable with a certain type of person. You will tend to restrict yourself to finding more of the
same type of people and exclude others. Allow yourself to get acquainted with and develop friendships with a wide range of
people from all walks of life and of both sexes. It is true that if you were
married to an alcoholic, you tend to find another personality of the same type. Why? Because, you are comfortable with
and used to interacting with that type. Get out of that comfort zone of familiarity and get acquainted with people you are
uncomfortable with. Each time you do, you grow a little and each new person you are uncomfortable with expands your horizons
for more than the same old type.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHER PEOPLE?
Plenty. You have what they are all starved for. Attention
and recognition that they are a worthwhile person. We call it "giving out warm fuzzies." Showing an interest in them helps
them thrive. Getting involved with other people's lives and welfare helps get you out of the "poor me" category. But most
of all, you grow through your interaction with other people.
THE WAY YOU LEARN TO MEET AND INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE
HAPPILY IS THE SAME AS LEARNING THE PIANO
Both are learned only through practice. Initially,
you have a lot of clinkers and it is a real pain but soon it's fun and the more you practice, the better you get.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND PRACTICE MEETING AND REALLY
GETTING TO KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
Not just the surface, hello there, how are you, but
really be a friend and really get to know people, their aspirations and concerns. Share yours with them. You will grow more
in the first six months of your divorce if you do this than you have in your last fifteen years of marriage.
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Starting over again - How to reduce your stress now
copyright 1996 by Harlan Jacobsen
STARTING OVER PROBLEMS OF DIVORCE OFTEN EXCEED
YOUR CAPACITY TO HANDLE
When your big computer becomes overloaded, you
feel overwhelmed. Like you are not able to keep up, that you just aren't coping. That life is out of control, that no matter
what you do, it isn't going to help.
PROBLEMS—TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS ARE LINING
UP FASTER THAN YOU CAN HANDLE THEM...
Watch out! This is your danger period. Ask for
help. Hold up your hand, say "I am drowning and I need help." Everybody, sometime in their life, has this happen.
IF YOU DO NOT ASK FOR AND GET HELP, YOUR BIG
COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE BALL GAME OF LIFE
When you are overwhelmed and your big computer
goes on "Tilt", it uses tremendous energy. Your immune system (body mechanism to get rid of illness) shuts down for lack of
priority energy and your chances of becoming ill are multiplied hundreds of times normal. In fact, your subconscious (big
computer) may deliberately pick self-induced illness as a method of taking you out of the game when you are overwhelmed.
YOUR BIG COMPUTER MAY PICK GETTING "STONED"
AS ONE WAY TO BE TAKEN OUT OF THE BALL GAME
Watch out! Getting into booze won't drown your
troubles, it will only irrigate them. The same goes for drugs even if your doctor prescribes them. Remember, every drug has
side effects and that includes booze and Prozac (for Heaven's sake, do not mix both of these!)
BECOMING DEPRESSED IS ANOTHER WAY
YOUR BIG COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE GAME WHEN IT'S ABILITY TO PROCESS HAS BEEN EXCEEDED
This one takes you out of the game and you become
immobile. The problems that exceeded your capacity do not get eliminated because you are not even working on them. Finally
(it may take a long time) your big computer will decide—depression isn't working; let's try something else.
YOUR OVERLOADED COMPUTER MAY OPT FOR TWO MORE
OUTS —WATCH FOR THESE
When overloaded and overwhelmed by loss of a
relationship and all the associated problems, your big computer (in desperation from getting out from under the load placed
on it) may pick either one of two dangerous options if other outs do not work. Number one danger to watch out for is throwing
in the sponge by committing suicide. That takes your big computer out of the ball game. Divorced men opt for this solution
seven times as often as divorced women. Your computer may take itself out of the ball game by "going crazy". How do you go
crazy? Easy— your subconscious knows how to do it.
KEEP FROM BEING OVERWHELMED IS THE SOLUTION
When you need glasses and have a headache, taking
aspirin does not solve the problem. Aspirin treats the symptom; it does not work on the problem. Taking tranquilizers for
being overwhelmed treats the symptom; just like aspirin and needing glasses, it does not solve the problem. In fact, the medication
or other crutch creates new problems.
BEING OVERWHELMED AND OVERLOADING YOUR COMPUTER
ARE A RESULT OF WORKING ON TOO MUCH AT ONCE
Also, when divorced, you often give your big
computer problems seeking a "crazy-making" answer to a problem that has no solution. We have discussed in past chapters how
to get these "no-solution" problems away from being process so your big computer can process legit problems and adjustments
you face when newly divorced.
Further cut down computer load by:
1. Do not change any more habits
or living patterns than absolutely necessary—such as do not move now if you can avoid it.
2. Do not change jobs, etc. while overwhelmed.
3. Continue to do, for awhile at least, things
you have always done.
SEPARATE PROBLEMS—PUT THEM ON PAPER
Giving all these things to your big computer
to sort out and solve at once overwhelms it.
If you drop a jigsaw puzzle all over the floor,
putting it back together seems overwhelming—almost impossible.
To put it back together, you first have to turn
the pieces right side up. (Do that with your problems by putting them down on paper.) Stop looking at it as one big puzzle.
Look at it instead as a series of little easy pieces.
START BY PUTTING TOGETHER ONLY THE EASY PIECES
Give your computer only easy problems to solve
for now. Hold the others back. As you put the easy pieces back together, solutions will just pop up and become apparent for
some of the difficult pieces.
DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE IT ALL AT ONCE AND MAKE
SENSE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING
Just keep doing the easy pieces. Every bit you
get done makes some other pieces easy. Progress may not be rapid, but just keep at it; it gets easier and easier as your life
gets more and more back together.
REMEMBER—YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SOLVE THE
PROBLEM OF GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER ALL AT ONCE
Break it down into parts. Set priorities and
work on what is easiest right now steadily. Get some new friends to help you put the pieces back together. Do not be afraid
to tell people you need help in getting your life back together. Tell your employer you are overwhelmed and need a little
help in handling everything right now.
GIVE YOUR BIG COMPUTER MORE REST BREAKS
Better rest, more fun times, more vacations
all give your big computer a break and allow it to recover and catch up. Eating better also affects your big computer's successfully
handling a lot of processing right now. Your big computer cannot work well when you have low voltage from poor physical condition.
Get the body going and taken care of and your computer will process much more quickly.
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How to change your life for the
better in 2 weeks
A Continuing Series on Getting on with Your
by Harlan L. Jacobsen
THIS SERIES OF DIVORCE ARTICLES HAS CARRIED
MANY ADJUSTMENT IDEAS AND CONCEPTS THAT DO WORK...
No matter how much good advice you get, no matter
how many books or articles you read, it can all be for nothing. Because........
NOTHING WORKS UNTIL YOU DO!
One of the hardest things to do is to make a
decision that you are tired of being unhappy and miserable.
This is right...being miserable
is a decision. Once you decide you are thru with that and you decide you are ready and want to move on to a new and better
life, then you are already half way there. You have heard and said a lot of four letter words during your divorce. Now memorize
this sentence of all two letter words.
IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME!
To get what you want, you have to first really
decide what it is you want.
You have been up to now, visualizing (worry)
being alone, nobody wanting you, seeing yourself as a miserable discard junk person.
WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET!
Figure out what you want out of your new life
now. This is most important and you need to do it now. True, maybe you do need to do some experimenting and some exploring
to see what you want out of your new life. If that is the case, we will shortly suggest a good goal for you now.
MANY HAVE A GOAL OF GETTING MARRIED AGAIN, OR
WORSE YET, A GOAL OF GETTING THE EX SPOUSE BACK.
Both are wrong. Both lead to trouble. If your
goal is to get married, you most certainly will accomplish it. Any fool can do that and most fools do run out and get married
again right away. You can too.
But remember, your goal there never was to be
happy, only to be married. Your subconscious works on that instruction and merely finds someone who has the same goal.
TRYING TO GET YOUR EX-SPOUSE BACK IS CRAZY MAKING!
It is like trying to dig up a dead body and
trying to bring it back to life. All it is going to do is use up a lot of energy and drive you crazy trying.
GIVE UP ON A DEAD MARRIAGE, IT IS NOT ONLY DEAD,
IT HAS LONG SINCE SPOILED...
Get a new goal. We suggest you use
this one for the next six months.
My new goal is to learn to and become a happy
successful single person.
YOU SAY-YOU NEVER WANTED TO BE SINGLE, LET ALONE
EVER SEE YOURSELF AS A HAPPY SUCCESSFUL SINGLE.
Face facts, you are single. Do you want to learn
to be a happy single or do you want to stay miserable? MAKE THE DECISION...WHICH IS IT? When you become happily single, you
can then safely consider getting married again. You will get married again only if it will be even happier.
When you are unhappily single, you grab on to
anything that will help you escape from being single, and you will convince yourself it is right for you.
GETTING THE NAME OF THE GAME ACROSS TO YOUR
SUBCONSCIOUS CAN BE DONE SEVERAL DIFFERENT WAYS...
The best way we feel is to use the relaxation
or self hypnosis tape to invoke the relaxation response, to reprogram yourself and get a new sense of direction by getting
your new life goals across to your subconscious so it can take charge and get you on to the new good life automatically without
a lot of stress.
WHERE DO I BUY THIS SELF HYPNOSIS TAPE?
You do not buy it, you make your own tape recording
in your own voice.
THIS TAPE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
IF YOU ARE READY TO MAKE A CHANGE, YOU'RE IMPATIENT
WITH THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE.
When you make the decision to get
out of the miserables and move on to a bigger and better life, then you are happy in the realization that you have within
you the ability and power to change yourself for the better. You are now programming to do something larger that you now know
you were made and meant to do.
You have up until now had the erroneous opinion
that you were intended to be as you are and there was nothing to be done about it. To get yourself on the road to happiness
and self fulfillment you need to realize you are discontent in your present position and you have no intention of staying
there. We are developing a happy discontent in your present situation and you have now decided you can do anything you want
with your life.
I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT AND I AM READY
TO START-RIGHT NOW!
I know that the goals of my past become the
reality of the future. You will reappraise pointless activities and routines that take up your time that no longer have any
relevance to your goals. Plan on enjoying yourself on the trip to your goals. The exciting part is not arriving. It is the
BY NOW YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR GOALS THOUGHT THRU
AND BE READY TO GO.
So sit down now with a blank sheet of paper
and list your main goal which is what you are going to use in making your personal self hypnosis tape.
If you read our instructions in the last issue.
We feel by now you should have thought through your goals and be ready to write your main goal for use on your tape. You do
need to write this out plainly. Remember, if you fail to plan for your new single future, you are planning to fail. Make no
small goals. Dream big. Most singles underestimate their ability to accomplish goals. Remember this is powerful stuff so you
may as well think big. Most singles make their goals too small and allow themselves far more time then they actually need.
A GOAL IS A DREAM BEING ACTED UPON.
Goals bring discipline of action. You may, if
you like, develop a major over-all goal, say for the next 5 years. Other goals for one year, one month and sub goals, for
example, for the next week. By throwing yourself into accomplishing your new goal, you will find happiness. Think about your
new goals all the time. Write them out, preferably over and over again. Write it in clear language simply written. By what
date do you expect to achieve each goal? List changes in attitudes, conduct, habits, appearance and associations to reach
this goal. Break it into smaller parts. Make a list of all the benefits you will gain.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO WORD YOUR GOALS ON TAPE CORRECTLY.
Do not say, I am going to,_say, I am... Your
subconscious does not care about time unless you instruct it to. By saying "I am," for example, it goes to work to make it
true right away instead of some hazy time in the future. Put some practical time limits on your goals. By....(certain time)
I will....have....or some personality change accomplished for example.
HERE IS A HYPNOSIS TAPE EXAMPLE TO USE FOR RELATIONSHIPS.
Let's say you are having difficulty getting
out and developing any relationships. Let's say you have made the conscious decision that the best thing for you in the next
three months is not to develop any one big all-encompassing relationship but that in order to find yourself and determine
what you want out of life and a relationship on a permanent basis, you are for three months going to date many people and
develop many wonderful relationships.
Maybe your long-term goal is to
develop a permanent, lifetime relationship but your short term goal is, as we said, to develop many wonderful relationships
over the next three months. You might then word both goals as follows:
By _ of this year I will have established and
be ready to handle a long-term relationship with an exciting, wonderful person of the opposite sex. This person will appear
when you are really ready for this type of relationship. It is the love story of a life time. You can see all of this now.
For the next 90 days you see (your name) meeting, dating and enjoying many, many, relationships with members of the opposite
sex. All wonderful and exciting people. (Your name) will be very popular and very busy with these relationships. You will
get to know many happy men or women very well. (Your name) will enjoy these relationships more and more and your dating will
become better and better.
This is just an example and you can write your
own goals. Use your name often like (your name) will... is.... throughout your script. By now you should set monetary goals,
physical things you see yourself having and all. Write it all out worded as suggested so your subconscious sees it as happening
right now or already happened or will have happened by a certain date. Do not make it too short a time or do not give yourself
too much time, either. Most error in too long.
Your subconscious can do amazing things. Do
not worry about all the details. (For instance, how you are going to meet the people mentioned in the last example); leave
that up to your subconscious, it will solve that problem when the time comes. Just tell what it is accomplishing, and your
subconscious quarterback will call all of the right plays. Have confidence and actually see your goal as accomplished. Once
you have achieved that, you are half way there.
YOU ARE NOW READY TO WRITE YOUR TOTAL GOALS.
If you have been going out for the
last six months with a lot of different dates and you consider yourself now ready to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, then you might
use as part of your goal.
Remember, you can make a long tape with this
and everything else on it or you can make additional tapes, perhaps a short one with all of the lead in or relaxation, etc.,
and just this sort of thing as the main part. Determine the major and absolute assets you want in your Mr. or Mrs. Right...background,
line of work, age, interests, hobbies, sexual preferences, monetary station, etc. Once you have that all written down, start
it out like this:
As a single person, (your name), you have a
right and desire to meet and have the right person in your life. That right person is being drawn to you now. You are attracting
that person like a magnet. This right person will (list absolute necessary qualities). This perfect person (the one for you)
will find that you are the perfect person for them, too. You are growing and changing to become the perfect mate for the perfect
man or woman for you. (End of goal wording.)
Remember, it is important to use the right wording.
We assume you now have this ready to go. Now take the meat out of this and write a 3-4 line condensed goal on a recipe sized
card. Make several copies. Scotch tape one on the inside of the door or behind the mirror in your medicine chest and read
it once every time you are in there. Put them other places-like scotch tape one to the bottom of your middle desk drawer at
work, open it and read your card several times daily. Carry a card with your goals in your pocket. Take it out and read it
several times daily.
You are going to get the message across to your
subconscious by thinking about it several times daily-visualizing whatever it is you want.
You will be hearing it (tape) and
visualizing it seeing it on your card and visualizing it. When you hear it on tape, you will visualize it actually occurring
on the motion picture screen of your mind.
The entire script has been very well thought
through to cover or correct most of the adjustment problems we have heard of in the divorce survival process. Please do not
delete any parts unnecessarily.
You have made the decision that many people
are afraid to make, a decision to take the course of you life into your own hands. Remember, no one runs your life anymore.
You alone are responsible. You are now free
and have perhaps just been drifting. Setting your own goals and determine your own destiny is the route now to success, fulfillment
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"Embracing The Change Around Us after a Breakup
or End of a Relationship"
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Whether you're 18 or 80, there's a lot to be learned
about love and relationships from a new friend we made last week and here's what happened...
We attended the funeral of Otto's good friend's mother,
Juanita. Before the service began, a woman sat down beside Susie and after a few minutes, she introduced herself. Her
name was Ann and she began telling Susie about her relationship with Juanita--her best friend since the first grade.
As Ann reminisced about the wonderful times with
her friend, she reminded Susie that change is inevitable and to love the people who come into your life, every moment of every
Not only was Ann an example of love in action but
she was a excellent teacher of graciously accepting the things in your life that you cannot change and moving forward.
In that moment of her own pain, she chose to focus on her belief that Juanita
was in a better place after her prolonged illness
and on their good times together.
She went on to say that she had buried two husbands,
along with losing this close friend, and yet she continues to focus on the joy and love in her life.
We think that Ann is a wonderful example of how to
accept change with an attitude of gratitude for what has gone before and openness to possibilities and love.
Change in our relationships and in our lives
is as inevitable as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. Most of us go through one or several breakups
or lose our partner during our lifetime.
Those changes can be very painful. Here are some
suggestions that we have found to be helpful for accepting change in our relationships and in our lives:
1. Embrace "what is"
When large changes happen in our lives, sometimes
we would rather avoid looking at the truth and deny that the changes are happening, instead of looking at "what is."
One woman called us a few days ago to ask for help to save her relationship. The only problem is that her husband, who
has been in counseling for 6 months, has repeatedly
asked her for a divorce. In spite of his repeated
request, she seems to be holding onto a relationship that he no longer wants to be in.
We're not at all suggesting that leaving a relationship
or giving up on a relationship is always the best thing to do. In fact, we are great proponents of hope and revitalizing
relationships. We're simply pointing out that this woman seemed to not see the "writing on the wall" and to accept his
wishes and this change in her life.
What we are suggesting is that in your relationships
and in your life, you can always...
2. Learn from what happened
Embrace every relationship, every moment as a learning
experience waiting to happen. Every now and then we'll lose our connection with each other and when we do, we take time
to learn from what happened. We try to come up with ways to change that will make our relationship even better.
3. Be in gratitude for what was
Like Ann, no matter what has happened in your life
and in your relationships, you can always be in gratitude for what has happened. Because the truth is that you are who you
are in this moment because of your experiences, the people you've met, and the stories that have touched your life.
We've discovered that shifting to being grateful
helped ease the pain when dramatic changes rocked our lives and we think that it will do the same in yours.
4. Look at where you are now and determine
how you want to begin moving forward in your life
Whether you are in a good relationship and want to make it better, in
an unhappy relationship, or not in an intimate relationship now, we suggest that you take the opportunity to determine what
it is that you want. What's one small step that you can take to move toward having what you want? Figure out what
that one small step is and do it.
We all experience change in our lives and we hope
that some of these suggestions are helpful to you as you too begin to open more to possibilities and to love.
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By Harlan L. Jacobsen
NEWLY DIVORCED HAVE THEIR BIG COMPUTERS ALL TIED UP.
It is engaged most of the waking hours processing crazy-making data that has no solution,
like what went wrong? Why me? What can I learn from this? How can I keep from ever letting this happen again? What should
I have done differently? What will ever happen to me now? How can I get even for this injustice?
ALL OF THIS OVERLOADS YOUR COMPUTER, WHICH GOES ON "TILT"
Your computer searches for ways to relieve the overload. When extremely overloaded,
it will pick one and you will get involved, like it or not, in one of the following:
1. Drugs (probably not the street corner type). Legal prescribed drugs such as Valium
and Librium, etc. The biggest drug problem and drug related deaths in this country today is Valium. ?When your computer is
overloaded, you may erroneously seek this as a solution. Those on drugs only cause other problems and merely "delay" finishing
processing their divorce and getting on with life.
2. Booze is another way out of the overload. Again, you do not drown the problem, you
irrigate it. Watch out for getting into this crutch. You may not be able to get rid of it later.
3. Your subconscious may decide, "overload;" having an illness will get some of this
off me. You will then make yourself sick, or you will have an accident or arrange by some such method to cut down the processing
load for a time.
4. You could even go crazy; it is an option your subconscious may choose.
SINCE THERE IS NO PROCESSING SOLUTION TO ALL THIS, YOUR COMPUTER SENDS SURVIVAL ALARMS
TO YOUR BODY
Anxiety, fears, uptight, not able to sleep, stomach knotted up, they feel emotionally
drained and physically exhausted.
ON TOP OF PROCESSING OVER & OVER ALL THIS OLD GARBAGE, YOUR COMPUTER IS HANDLING
MORE "CHANGE"' AND "NEW" THAN YOU HAVE EVER HANDLED IN A SHORT TIME.
"'Change" and "new" are emotionally exhausting because you are on "manual." After you
have done some of this many, many times, you can do it automatically. Like learning to drive your car, it is now automatic,
little or no effort, but initially while learning it, the initial efforts were exhausting. Learning to be single and independent,
initially you are on "manual."
Just being terribly depressed takes you out of the ballgame. Going crazy takes you clear
out. You don't have to 'cope' with reality any more.
WHEN YOUR MENTAL PROCESSOR IS OVERLOADED PAST THE BREAKING POINT, YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
WILL CHOOSE ONE OF THE ABOVE METHODS OF GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THE LOAD
So you need to: 1. Cut down on any unnecessary changes right now (requires lots of computer
time to handle newness): 2. Stop processing the old over and over. 3. Stop trying to analyze and figure out problems that
have no solution (crazy-making) . 4. Get some method to give your computer processing time.
TO GET PROCESSING TIME, TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR COMPUTER DAILY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME
Now, you may recognize you have more things to process right now than you have ever
had. Your problem is to give it processing time to catch up. Right now you need to give it more time than usual and because
of your divorce, you are probably giving it less.
THE BEST PROCESSING TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE HAVING "FUN."
When you are having fun, you are not adding new or reprocessed problem input and your
big computer catches up.
INITIALLY, GOING OUT TO SINGLES EVENTS MAY MEAN MORE STRESS AND PROCESSING TIME RATHER
THAN PURE FUN
When you start going out to meet new people and get into dating, you are adding to your
computer's overload though this may all be under the category of fun. It is unfamiliar fun and should be postponed until you
get some of your overload under control. For now, do fun things and recreation that is nonstressful and familiar. When you
catch up on some of this processing of your divorce, then you can start going out and making that the fun part of your life.
WHEN YOUR BIG MENTAL COMPUTER CATCHES UP, IT CAN READILY HANDLE SOME NEW PROBLEMS.
When it was already overloaded, a new happening or problem can wipe you out. Therefore,
the best thing you can do to cope is spend more time on recreational fun activities. (Be good to yourself.) When you become
divorced, you usually stop doing fun things.
THE VERY TIME IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED "MORE FUN," YOU STOP.
You say, "I don't feel like having fun. I feel like I need to stay home and 'figure'
this all out in my head." We say, "'Wrong?backwards." Your big computer will process and handle everything nicely if you stop
the input we mentioned and deliberately give your big subconscious computer "breathing" time to catch up.
When you use your conscious mind computer (only about 10% of your mental powers), you
use a lot of emotional energy and get poor results. When you just turn it over to your subconscious (big computer) and "sleep"
on it or have fun on it, the problem will fall in place and be handled easily and automatically.
DELIBERATELY SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELF "NOW" TO DO FUN THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.
No matter how expensive it is, it will likely be far cheaper than the physical doctor
bills and psychiatrist bills you may have without it.
MOST MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN.
They were brought up during and right after the Depression. When you are in trouble,
work harder, don't goof off. Having fun was "wasting" your time.
SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE YOU KNOW CONSTANTLY TAKE TIME OFF FOR "FUN."
They let their computer "catch up"' and they make more money working half as long.
They do a better, smarter job and can handle more "garbage" in their life without it bothering them. All because they deliberately
take time to have fun.
THE SECRET OF HANDLING LIFE' S DIFFICULTIES IS HAVING TWO HOURS OF PURE FUN A DAY.
Unstructured, something that has little or not payoff other than it is pleasurable.
But, boy, is that hard to do when you are newly divorced.
YOU CANNOT BE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE SOME GREAT "FUN" THINGS COMING UP.
If you were going on a long?dreamed about trip to Hawaii next week, could you be depressed
this week? Hardly. Your mind couldn't be getting "garbage" input; it would be getting pleasant thoughts input. In addition,
while you are having fun, your computer would catch up.
So anytime you line up some future fun, you get two benefits. One, something to look
forward to (instead of dwelling on your current hassles), and then actually enjoying it and giving your computer some catch
LEARN HOW TO HAVE FUN
Yes, having fun is a learned process. It may be of help here merely to say "let your
kid out again." We will not take up space here in teaching how to have fun, primarily because I do not consider us to be good
at it. We merely want to call your attention to the fact you need (now more than ever) to learn how to have fun again. Do
not tell us you do not have the time or money. (Somehow you will find the time and money if you are sick.) Find the same time
and money for fun right now and you will be far ahead.
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Five Keys to Happiness
by Tim Connor
Let go of old baggage
Was it something your parents did 20 years ago?
Something a customer said last week? Or something a spouse or friend said yesterday?
Old baggage is emotional stuff we carry around
with us for days, months or even years. It is usually negative stuff like old hurts, resentments, anger or some kind of pain
inflicted by another person. It can also be just carrying around some old guilt, failure or fear that impacts our current
relationships and life in general.
Why do people hold on to all of these old feelings?
Everyone moves through life with their own very personal agendas, needs, and life issues. Old baggage starts to feel very
comfortable after a while, so comfortable as a matter of fact many people die never able to let go of these hurts, slights,
There is one very good reason to let go of all
of this stuff. One of the major causes of stress today is suppressed emotions that fester in the body taking their eventual
toll on some aspect of our physiology. One of the biggest causes of stress today is all of this old baggage. So why let it
go? It may kill you if you don't. What do you need to let go of today? What is preventing you from letting it go? What harm
is being caused in a current relationship, your career or business by not letting it go?
Live without regrets
Regret in life weighs tons. Living with words
spoken or unspoken, deeds done or deeds left undone, and actions taken or not taken is one of the biggest burdens many people
carry with them through life, and some to the grave.
To live each moment in life with a happy perspective
and disposition requires that we live in such a way that there is no need to carry regret into the next minute, let alone
the next year. Why do people choose to live with regret? A better question is, why do people act or speak in such a way that
requires them to experience the constant negative pull of regret in their life? My friends, if I had an answer to that one,
I wouldn't be sitting at my computer slaving over each word, I would be cruising the Caribbean on my 60ft yacht.
I, too, have known the sting of regrets. I can
only tell you that living with them will not let happiness into your life. They will be like a long shadow darkening the way
ahead, as well as the path behind you. Their stretch is well into the future, and they cloud your past with pain, anger, resentment,
grief, blame or fear.
Actions or words, or the lack of them is not
the real culprit here. We will all make mistakes in life that can be interpreted by us as worthy of feeling regretful. It
is what we do about these issues once we become aware that we have taken the action, or said the words. We don't have the
luxury of taking back what we have said or done in the past, but we can forgive ourselves or others. What regrets are you
living with today that need your forgiveness?
Live in the present
Life is lived in the present, one moment at
a time, not, in the past or future. Our futures and memories are created in all of our NOW moments. Living in the present
means staying focused on what is happening now, not what happened yesterday, or may happen tomorrow.
People who focus on past: mistakes, errors in
judgment, words that were said with innocence, omissions, and disappointment tend to bring a great deal of negative energy
into the present.
People who focus on the future: expectations,
desires, hopes and "some day dreams" tend to miss the value, joy and wonder of their present moments.
Everyone has stuff, you, nor anyone else will
ever rid of it all. The key is to understand that you can't fix what happened yesterday, and you can't fix anything tomorrow.
You fix everything NOW.
Your soul wants for you what is your ultimate
highest good. Your ego wants to look good, control, and protect itself. The ego tends not to like vulnerability and/or realness.
This sets you up for hurt, pain, and rejection.
Learn to stay focused in the now. What you can
do now. What you can say now. How you are feeling now. What you believe now. What you want to happen now.
Everything in life is a teacher
Before this day ends, I guarantee life will
give you the opportunity to learn something about yourself. Life is an interesting and fascinating series of events, processes,
and growth opportunities. It is what happens to us as we plan the outcomes of our life existence. Life is truly a classroom.
In a sense, class begins the day we are born, and ends the day we pass from this world to the next. There are no vacations,
recesses, and you never graduate.
There is no final exam and there is no pass
or fail. You can, however, repeat a grade again and again, until you learn the necessary skills or attitudes that the teachers
in this class are trying to help you learn. Each of us is traveling through our very unique lives toward a variety of circumstances,
events, people, and outcomes. We are bringing these outcomes and people into our lives both unconsciously and consciously.
Some people are good students, and learn the
necessary lessons the first time they appear, while others are stuck in the same old patterns, life dramas, and situations,
because they fail to bring the learning back to themselves. You can't quit school, and you must complete each assignment before
you get to move on to the next one. Some people refuse to see the learning as theirs.
The opportunity for learning, can be found from
each of lifeís experiences or teachers. The key to happiness is to learn to bring all of the learning back to yourself, and
not to point your finger at others. We don't get to choose the curriculum in our lives, or the lives of others.
No one has faults
Is there something that a friend, child or spouse
does that drives you nuts? Welcome to the club. What are faults? Who has them and what can we do about them? How do happy
people deal with them?
Faults are what other people do,
think, feel, or believe, differently, than we think they should. Faults from the other personís perspective are not faults,
but just who they are. The assumption we make when someone has a fault is that our way of feeling, acting or believing is
better than theirs, or even right. Isn't that a kicker? No one has faults. They just have a different perspective on some
aspect of life than we do.
So given this definition, and you don't have
to accept it, everyone has faults, and no one has faults. Paradox? Yes. Everyone does what they do, thinks what they think,
and feels what they feel because it is right for them. This doesn't mean that their life couldn't be better, if they didn't
have these faults. Read this again. Aren't we making an assumption that their life could be better? According to what standard?
You guessed it, ours. But, ours may or may not even be right, or in our own best interests, let alone theirs. Do we have the
right, obligation or need to ìfixî other people. As long as you try, you will live with a great deal of frustration, anxiety,
What can we do. Learn to accept others as being
on their own path to becoming, learning what they need to learn, when they need to learn it according to life's overall plan,
and not our plan. So, who do you know that has some faults they need to get rid of?
Tim Connor, CSP
Speaker and Author
Davidson, NC 28036 USA
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Memories And Emotions Can Colour Our Awareness
By George Lockett
Memories of past events in our life can have associated
with them deep emotional charge. This can cause these memories to keep repeating themselves over and over again throughout
Sometimes the pattern is triggered by our environment
and sometimes by a person or situation. Once triggered, the memory of the event plays out, with all the deep emotional charge
of the original event.
The first step to solving this pattern of behaviour
is to become aware of the process. If you find your mood swinging for no apparent reason it may be that one of these past
memories is playing out at a subconscious level.
By focusing on what is happening, you are bring it
back into the conscious mind and questioning the validity of the experience and emotions you are experiencing.
Through forgiveness we can release the energies, which
are stuck in this pattern of experience and behaviour. Through forgiveness we release the emotional charge and this can be
both for the other person and yourself or associated with an event.
These memory patterns can keep playing out over long
periods of time and create shadows, which stop us seeing the true reality of a situation. As we move into the new energy more
of these patterns of behaviour are coming up to the surface of the mind to be released.
As we release each one, we become a little more aware
of the true reality around us. We become a little more centred within ourselves and aware of what is happening now and receive
genuine information from our senses.
This growth in our awareness and expansion of our feelings
and emotions allows us to grow in self knowledge. It gives us the freedom to choose our mood first and come from our own heart
centre and radiate love to those around us.
We stop reacting to life and start to create the life
we would love to experience and grow into. We empower ourselves to see life as it truly is and enjoy it in the moment, without
carrying all the baggage of past events with us. We become a master of ourselves and therefore master the way we see and experience
the world in which we live.
We are growing on the path to mastery and enjoying
living life in an evolutionary way. This growth is happening now on an individual level. Soon we will see it happening in
our communities and on the level of government and will grow into a new awareness in the world of the oneness of life.
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What is the definition
of a "rebound relationship"? Is it true they can be unhealthy?
by Nina Atwood
Rebound relationships occur very shortly
after the end of a significant love, and sometimes begin before the end. The problem with a rebound is that it doesn't allow
time for the grieving and healing processes to be complete.
When this happens, there is emotional confusion.
Sometimes, the feelings for the old partner simply transfer to the new one, and there is the illusion that you've found someone
totally "different," when, in fact, you've found someone very much like your old love. Often the issues which drove you away
from your previous partner are the very ones with which you eventually find yourself grappling in the new relationship.
Rebound relationships serve a purpose: To
protect the heart from the devastation of losing someone very important. Like a very big cushion, they protect us from the
trauma of the fall which is experienced when a deep connection is abruptly severed. These relationships can be healthy, as
long as you remain aware of their purpose and take your time with your new partner. If you're not paying attention, however,
a rebound relationship can be unhealthy. Potential problems include:
Expecting your new partner to make up for
the shortcomings of the old. "Since my last girlfriend cheated on me, I expect you to give me 100% reassurance of your loyalty
24 hours a day."
Commitment hunger. "My last boyfriend dated
me for three years without making a commitment, so I'm expecting an engagement ring within six months or I'm out of here."
Fear and anxiety that are problematic. "After
what my ex did to me, I have to constantly check to see that you're really there for me, even if that drives you crazy."
Skyrocket relationship. Rebound relationships
are often too fast-paced, in an effort to "make sure" that this one sticks.
The biggest risk of a rebound is that it
serves its purpose and then the rebounder moves on, leaving someone else devastated. If you're dating someone who's just left
another relationship, know that you may have a Westbound Train. Don't allow the rebounding person to set the pace, as it will
be too fast and may leave you in the dust. Take your time, allow the relationship to develop slowly, and take good care of
yourself emotionally (i.e., have a good support system).
A rebound relationship can work out, as
long as you and your partner are able to develop a genuinely loving and trusting bond, and that you maintain good communication
each step of the way.
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remember what your mama told you: you can't hurry love!
do you know if you're on the rebound? Coming out of a relationship is often a difficult time. And since misery loves company,
you may be tempted to try to forget about your heartache by jumping head-first into another relationship. Using other people
as heartbreak menders can quickly turn into a pattern. Before you know it, you will have acquired a list of broken relationships
as long as your arm. Your self-esteem will also take a dive as you try to figure out why your love life is such a failure.
You can avoid the pain of a rebound relationship
by following one simple rule: stay away from new relationships until you know you are good and ready. How long will it take?
Only you can answer that question because each woman has her own timeframe for healing from heartbreak. When you're on the
rebound, you're vulnerable and may put yourself in situations or relationships that you normally wouldn't be caught dead in.
It's safer to clear your plate of all liaisons for a while and concentrate on yourself.
It's also a good idea to think about issues
in your past relationships and try to learn from them. As the saying goes, those who do not learn form history are doomed
to repeat it. So if you truly want to have a healthy relationship, give yourself time to come to terms with your past relationship
before jumping into a new one.
The ex factor
After a break-up it is common for couples
to fantasise about getting back together. Long nights spent alone can wreak havoc on your psyche. While you are on the rebound,
the urge to reconcile with your ex will be strong - but you must be stronger. After all, there must have been a perfectly
good reason for breaking up that's not going to change, right?
The longer you resist the impulse to go
crawling back, the easier it will get. Spending time without an escort is not so bad. And once you're thinking more clearly,
you will be able to judge whether or not you did the right thing. Until that time comes, you should stock up on some serious
willpower, especially if you don't want to get into the vicious on-again, off-again relationship cycle.
Too soon to tell
If you're determined to mend your broken
heart by immediately diving into a new relationship, go ahead. Do what comes naturally. But at least try to gain a little
perspective before you fall head over heels in love with the first person who shows an inkling of interest in you. Understand
that you are, in fact, on the rebound and keep a casual, light-hearted attitude on all of your dates.
If you should find yourself falling deeply
in love with someone you've just met, remind yourself again that you are on the rebound. The best way to deal with intense,
rebound-related emotions is to reason your way out of them. Admit to yourself that you may be in dire need of affection and
try to see your new flame from an objective perspective. If you still feel like you're falling deeply in love, try to wait
a while before verbalising your "I love you". You don't want to lead someone on, only to realise - a month later - that you
were never truly in love to begin with.
Heart to heart
There's no harm in rebound relationships
if you take them for what they are - temporary and not particularly meaningful. They can, however, remind you that you are
still desirable and quite a catch. Sometimes you may find yourself single for a year or longer. It's not abnormal and you
can use this time to get back in touch with yourself. Don't worry if all of your dates fail to measure up to the one that
got away. That's to be expected. After all, how can mere strangers possibly compare to someone you once nicknamed "Boopsie"?
As you put more time and experiences between
your break-up and the present day, you'll be ready for a new and improved relationship - one that may force you to retire
the phrase 'on the rebound' from your vocabulary forever.
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Can We Be Friends? Shifting From Partnership to Friendship
It's the dreaded four-word phrase… "Can we be
friends?" It's a classic break-up line, but it's also an issue that must be faced when a relationship hits the rocks. In reality,
the questions ought to be "should we be friends?" And, if so, "how will we define that relationship?" Below are some points
to ponder when facing the partnership to friendship dilemma.
Take Care of Business:
Whether it's a marriage or simply a significant partnership,
there are issues that you must manage when the romance ends. In the case of divorce, there is a legal process to manage. There
may be property to divide. Decisions may have to be made about mutual friends and whether those relationships can continue.
Focus first on the "business" of ending your relationship. It is your responsibility to manage this process with knowledge
Take Care of Yourself:
Your first thought should not be about the place your
ex will hold in your future. Focus on healing yourself. Take time to reflect on the relationship and learn the inevitable
lessons that arise from that experience. Use your support network to heal emotionally. Use exercise, hobbies and your favorite
activities to keep yourself physically active and vibrant. In most cases, you can't rely on your ex to help you recover or
to garner closure. Fix yourself first.
Evaluate Your Intentions:
When approaching a friendship with an ex, take time
to understand your motives for pursuing that relationship. Remember what defines a friendship: conversation, connection, support
and mutual interests. Again, if your motive is to seek closure, "check up" on your former partner, rekindle your romance or
inflict some sort of revenge on the one that wronged you, it is probably best to let more time past. If you are truly friends,
time will not diminish that connection. Don't rush into something that is unhealthy or dysfunctional.
Assess Their Value:
From time to time, we all clean out our closets, getting
rid of the clothes that no longer suit us. Too often, we don't do this with our friends and acquaintances. It is important
that we fill our lives with people who bring value to our existence. Make a list of pros and cons to nurturing a friendship
with your former partner. Realize that the same reasons that led to the relationship's end may be the factors that make a
friendship with your ex unbeneficial. Be prepared to acknowledge the fact that someone who was a critical part of your past
may not have a place in your future.
Set Rules and Stick By Them:
It happens all the time. You meet with a partner from
the past for a friendly drink. One drink turns into six. Suddenly the time machine has been ignited and you are making mistakes
you'll regret in the morning. Especially in the early stages of the friendship transition, it is important to set ground rules.
If at any point in the evening your feelings shift to an unbalanced state, stand firm and go home. Set limits on your interaction
if necessary to keep the situation platonic and positive.
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