Part 38
by Harlan Jacobsen

GETTING YOUR INNER ACT TOGETHER HAS BEEN LISTED AS IMPORTANT

However, you cannot grow and mature as a 'together' person without other people. To grow, it seems, you have to interact with other people. Sort of have to be able to bounce things off other people before your big computer processes these things and everything falls in place, makes sense and becomes part of you.

STAYING HOME AND HIDING OUT FROM PEOPLE AFTER YOUR DIVORCE
STOPS OR AT LEAST RETARDS YOUR PROGRESS

So the more you get out and mix, and interact with people, the better. You may have some personality distortions but your peers will shape you up. Initially, you will be uncomfortable with other singles.

Again, we compare it with being transferred to Guatamala. You didn't ask to be here; you feel uncomfortable with the natives, not quite sure if it is safe to be out mingling with them or not. What will they expect? Will you feel like an odd ball? Will they ask you to do things you don't want to do?

YOU ARE A NOVICE: TWO MONTHS FROM NOW YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE: TWO YEARS--LIKE OLD HOME WEEK!

But you have to get out there and mix mingle and really get to know a lot of people. Some go out with the idea that they can't be bothered getting to know someone unless they are potential marriage material or someone who may help them "escape" from this "single life" some way.

YOU CAN LEARN AND GROW THROUGH EVERY PERSON YOU MEET

No matter who they are, you can gain from knowing them. You are probably only comfortable with a certain type of person. You will tend to restrict yourself to finding more of the same type of people and exclude others. Allow yourself to get acquainted with and develop friendships with a wide range of people from all walks of life and of both sexes. It is true that if you were
married to an alcoholic, you tend to find another personality of the same type. Why? Because, you are comfortable with and used to interacting with that type. Get out of that comfort zone of familiarity and get acquainted with people you are uncomfortable with. Each time you do, you grow a little and each new person you are uncomfortable with expands your horizons for more than the same old type.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER OTHER PEOPLE?

Plenty. You have what they are all starved for. Attention and recognition that they are a worthwhile person. We call it "giving out warm fuzzies." Showing an interest in them helps them thrive. Getting involved with other people's lives and welfare helps get you out of the "poor me" category. But most of all, you grow through your interaction with other people.

THE WAY YOU LEARN TO MEET AND INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE HAPPILY IS THE SAME AS LEARNING THE PIANO

Both are learned only through practice. Initially, you have a lot of clinkers and it is a real pain but soon it's fun and the more you practice, the better you get.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND PRACTICE MEETING AND REALLY GETTING TO KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

Not just the surface, hello there, how are you, but really be a friend and really get to know people, their aspirations and concerns. Share yours with them. You will grow more in the first six months of your divorce if you do this than you have in your last fifteen years of marriage.

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copyright 1996 by Harlan Jacobsen

STARTING OVER PROBLEMS OF DIVORCE OFTEN EXCEED YOUR CAPACITY TO HANDLE

When your big computer becomes overloaded, you feel overwhelmed. Like you are not able to keep up, that you just aren't coping. That life is out of control, that no matter what you do, it isn't going to help.

PROBLEMS—TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS ARE LINING UP FASTER THAN YOU CAN HANDLE THEM...

Watch out! This is your danger period. Ask for help. Hold up your hand, say "I am drowning and I need help." Everybody, sometime in their life, has this happen.

IF YOU DO NOT ASK FOR AND GET HELP, YOUR BIG COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE BALL GAME OF LIFE

When you are overwhelmed and your big computer goes on "Tilt", it uses tremendous energy. Your immune system (body mechanism to get rid of illness) shuts down for lack of priority energy and your chances of becoming ill are multiplied hundreds of times normal. In fact, your subconscious (big computer) may deliberately pick self-induced illness as a method of taking you out of the game when you are overwhelmed.

YOUR BIG COMPUTER MAY PICK GETTING "STONED" AS ONE WAY TO BE TAKEN OUT OF THE BALL GAME

Watch out! Getting into booze won't drown your troubles, it will only irrigate them. The same goes for drugs even if your doctor prescribes them. Remember, every drug has side effects and that includes booze and Prozac (for Heaven's sake, do not mix both of these!)

BECOMING DEPRESSED IS ANOTHER WAY YOUR BIG COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE GAME WHEN IT'S ABILITY TO PROCESS HAS BEEN EXCEEDED

This one takes you out of the game and you become immobile. The problems that exceeded your capacity do not get eliminated because you are not even working on them. Finally (it may take a long time) your big computer will decide—depression isn't working; let's try something else.

YOUR OVERLOADED COMPUTER MAY OPT FOR TWO MORE OUTS —WATCH FOR THESE

When overloaded and overwhelmed by loss of a relationship and all the associated problems, your big computer (in desperation from getting out from under the load placed on it) may pick either one of two dangerous options if other outs do not work. Number one danger to watch out for is throwing in the sponge by committing suicide. That takes your big computer out of the ball game. Divorced men opt for this solution seven times as often as divorced women. Your computer may take itself out of the ball game by "going crazy". How do you go crazy? Easy— your subconscious knows how to do it.

KEEP FROM BEING OVERWHELMED IS THE SOLUTION

When you need glasses and have a headache, taking aspirin does not solve the problem. Aspirin treats the symptom; it does not work on the problem. Taking tranquilizers for being overwhelmed treats the symptom; just like aspirin and needing glasses, it does not solve the problem. In fact, the medication or other crutch creates new problems.

BEING OVERWHELMED AND OVERLOADING YOUR COMPUTER ARE A RESULT OF WORKING ON TOO MUCH AT ONCE

Also, when divorced, you often give your big computer problems seeking a "crazy-making" answer to a problem that has no solution. We have discussed in past chapters how to get these "no-solution" problems away from being process so your big computer can process legit problems and adjustments you face when newly divorced.

Further cut down computer load by:

1. Do not change any more habits or living patterns than absolutely necessary—such as do not move now if you can avoid it.

2. Do not change jobs, etc. while overwhelmed.

3. Continue to do, for awhile at least, things you have always done.

SEPARATE PROBLEMS—PUT THEM ON PAPER

Giving all these things to your big computer to sort out and solve at once overwhelms it.

If you drop a jigsaw puzzle all over the floor, putting it back together seems overwhelming—almost impossible.

To put it back together, you first have to turn the pieces right side up. (Do that with your problems by putting them down on paper.) Stop looking at it as one big puzzle. Look at it instead as a series of little easy pieces.

START BY PUTTING TOGETHER ONLY THE EASY PIECES FIRST

Give your computer only easy problems to solve for now. Hold the others back. As you put the easy pieces back together, solutions will just pop up and become apparent for some of the difficult pieces.

DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE IT ALL AT ONCE AND MAKE SENSE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING

Just keep doing the easy pieces. Every bit you get done makes some other pieces easy. Progress may not be rapid, but just keep at it; it gets easier and easier as your life gets more and more back together.

REMEMBER—YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER ALL AT ONCE

Break it down into parts. Set priorities and work on what is easiest right now steadily. Get some new friends to help you put the pieces back together. Do not be afraid to tell people you need help in getting your life back together. Tell your employer you are overwhelmed and need a little help in handling everything right now.

GIVE YOUR BIG COMPUTER MORE REST BREAKS

Better rest, more fun times, more vacations all give your big computer a break and allow it to recover and catch up. Eating better also affects your big computer's successfully handling a lot of processing right now. Your big computer cannot work well when you have low voltage from poor physical condition. Get the body going and taken care of and your computer will process much more quickly.

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How to change your life for the better in 2 weeks

A Continuing Series on Getting on with Your Life

by Harlan L. Jacobsen

THIS SERIES OF DIVORCE ARTICLES HAS CARRIED MANY ADJUSTMENT IDEAS AND CONCEPTS THAT DO WORK...

No matter how much good advice you get, no matter how many books or articles you read, it can all be for nothing. Because........

NOTHING WORKS UNTIL YOU DO!

One of the hardest things to do is to make a decision that you are tired of being unhappy and miserable.

This is right...being miserable is a decision. Once you decide you are thru with that and you decide you are ready and want to move on to a new and better life, then you are already half way there. You have heard and said a lot of four letter words during your divorce. Now memorize this sentence of all two letter words.

IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME!

To get what you want, you have to first really decide what it is you want.

You have been up to now, visualizing (worry) being alone, nobody wanting you, seeing yourself as a miserable discard junk person.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET!

Figure out what you want out of your new life now. This is most important and you need to do it now. True, maybe you do need to do some experimenting and some exploring to see what you want out of your new life. If that is the case, we will shortly suggest a good goal for you now.

MANY HAVE A GOAL OF GETTING MARRIED AGAIN, OR WORSE YET, A GOAL OF GETTING THE EX SPOUSE BACK.

Both are wrong. Both lead to trouble. If your goal is to get married, you most certainly will accomplish it. Any fool can do that and most fools do run out and get married again right away. You can too.

But remember, your goal there never was to be happy, only to be married. Your subconscious works on that instruction and merely finds someone who has the same goal.

TRYING TO GET YOUR EX-SPOUSE BACK IS CRAZY MAKING!

It is like trying to dig up a dead body and trying to bring it back to life. All it is going to do is use up a lot of energy and drive you crazy trying.

GIVE UP ON A DEAD MARRIAGE, IT IS NOT ONLY DEAD, IT HAS LONG SINCE SPOILED...

Get a new goal. We suggest you use this one for the next six months.

My new goal is to learn to and become a happy successful single person.

YOU SAY-YOU NEVER WANTED TO BE SINGLE, LET ALONE EVER SEE YOURSELF AS A HAPPY SUCCESSFUL SINGLE.

Face facts, you are single. Do you want to learn to be a happy single or do you want to stay miserable? MAKE THE DECISION...WHICH IS IT? When you become happily single, you can then safely consider getting married again. You will get married again only if it will be even happier.

When you are unhappily single, you grab on to anything that will help you escape from being single, and you will convince yourself it is right for you.

GETTING THE NAME OF THE GAME ACROSS TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS CAN BE DONE SEVERAL DIFFERENT WAYS...

The best way we feel is to use the relaxation or self hypnosis tape to invoke the relaxation response, to reprogram yourself and get a new sense of direction by getting your new life goals across to your subconscious so it can take charge and get you on to the new good life automatically without a lot of stress.

WHERE DO I BUY THIS SELF HYPNOSIS TAPE?

You do not buy it, you make your own tape recording in your own voice.

THIS TAPE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

IF YOU ARE READY TO MAKE A CHANGE, YOU'RE IMPATIENT WITH THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE.

When you make the decision to get out of the miserables and move on to a bigger and better life, then you are happy in the realization that you have within you the ability and power to change yourself for the better. You are now programming to do something larger that you now know you were made and meant to do.

You have up until now had the erroneous opinion that you were intended to be as you are and there was nothing to be done about it. To get yourself on the road to happiness and self fulfillment you need to realize you are discontent in your present position and you have no intention of staying there. We are developing a happy discontent in your present situation and you have now decided you can do anything you want with your life.

I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I WANT AND I AM READY TO START-RIGHT NOW!

I know that the goals of my past become the reality of the future. You will reappraise pointless activities and routines that take up your time that no longer have any relevance to your goals. Plan on enjoying yourself on the trip to your goals. The exciting part is not arriving. It is the journey.

BY NOW YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR GOALS THOUGHT THRU AND BE READY TO GO.

So sit down now with a blank sheet of paper and list your main goal which is what you are going to use in making your personal self hypnosis tape.

If you read our instructions in the last issue. We feel by now you should have thought through your goals and be ready to write your main goal for use on your tape. You do need to write this out plainly. Remember, if you fail to plan for your new single future, you are planning to fail. Make no small goals. Dream big. Most singles underestimate their ability to accomplish goals. Remember this is powerful stuff so you may as well think big. Most singles make their goals too small and allow themselves far more time then they actually need.

A GOAL IS A DREAM BEING ACTED UPON.

Goals bring discipline of action. You may, if you like, develop a major over-all goal, say for the next 5 years. Other goals for one year, one month and sub goals, for example, for the next week. By throwing yourself into accomplishing your new goal, you will find happiness. Think about your new goals all the time. Write them out, preferably over and over again. Write it in clear language simply written. By what date do you expect to achieve each goal? List changes in attitudes, conduct, habits, appearance and associations to reach this goal. Break it into smaller parts. Make a list of all the benefits you will gain.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO WORD YOUR GOALS ON TAPE CORRECTLY.

Do not say, I am going to,_say, I am... Your subconscious does not care about time unless you instruct it to. By saying "I am," for example, it goes to work to make it true right away instead of some hazy time in the future. Put some practical time limits on your goals. By....(certain time) I will....have....or some personality change accomplished for example.

HERE IS A HYPNOSIS TAPE EXAMPLE TO USE FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

Let's say you are having difficulty getting out and developing any relationships. Let's say you have made the conscious decision that the best thing for you in the next three months is not to develop any one big all-encompassing relationship but that in order to find yourself and determine what you want out of life and a relationship on a permanent basis, you are for three months going to date many people and develop many wonderful relationships.

Maybe your long-term goal is to develop a permanent, lifetime relationship but your short term goal is, as we said, to develop many wonderful relationships over the next three months. You might then word both goals as follows:

By _ of this year I will have established and be ready to handle a long-term relationship with an exciting, wonderful person of the opposite sex. This person will appear when you are really ready for this type of relationship. It is the love story of a life time. You can see all of this now. For the next 90 days you see (your name) meeting, dating and enjoying many, many, relationships with members of the opposite sex. All wonderful and exciting people. (Your name) will be very popular and very busy with these relationships. You will get to know many happy men or women very well. (Your name) will enjoy these relationships more and more and your dating will become better and better.

This is just an example and you can write your own goals. Use your name often like (your name) will... is.... throughout your script. By now you should set monetary goals, physical things you see yourself having and all. Write it all out worded as suggested so your subconscious sees it as happening right now or already happened or will have happened by a certain date. Do not make it too short a time or do not give yourself too much time, either. Most error in too long.

Your subconscious can do amazing things. Do not worry about all the details. (For instance, how you are going to meet the people mentioned in the last example); leave that up to your subconscious, it will solve that problem when the time comes. Just tell what it is accomplishing, and your subconscious quarterback will call all of the right plays. Have confidence and actually see your goal as accomplished. Once you have achieved that, you are half way there.

YOU ARE NOW READY TO WRITE YOUR TOTAL GOALS.

If you have been going out for the last six months with a lot of different dates and you consider yourself now ready to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, then you might use as part of your goal.

Remember, you can make a long tape with this and everything else on it or you can make additional tapes, perhaps a short one with all of the lead in or relaxation, etc., and just this sort of thing as the main part. Determine the major and absolute assets you want in your Mr. or Mrs. Right...background, line of work, age, interests, hobbies, sexual preferences, monetary station, etc. Once you have that all written down, start it out like this:

As a single person, (your name), you have a right and desire to meet and have the right person in your life. That right person is being drawn to you now. You are attracting that person like a magnet. This right person will (list absolute necessary qualities). This perfect person (the one for you) will find that you are the perfect person for them, too. You are growing and changing to become the perfect mate for the perfect man or woman for you. (End of goal wording.)

Remember, it is important to use the right wording. We assume you now have this ready to go. Now take the meat out of this and write a 3-4 line condensed goal on a recipe sized card. Make several copies. Scotch tape one on the inside of the door or behind the mirror in your medicine chest and read it once every time you are in there. Put them other places-like scotch tape one to the bottom of your middle desk drawer at work, open it and read your card several times daily. Carry a card with your goals in your pocket. Take it out and read it several times daily.

You are going to get the message across to your subconscious by thinking about it several times daily-visualizing whatever it is you want.

You will be hearing it (tape) and visualizing it seeing it on your card and visualizing it. When you hear it on tape, you will visualize it actually occurring on the motion picture screen of your mind.

The entire script has been very well thought through to cover or correct most of the adjustment problems we have heard of in the divorce survival process. Please do not delete any parts unnecessarily.

You have made the decision that many people are afraid to make, a decision to take the course of you life into your own hands. Remember, no one runs your life anymore.

You alone are responsible. You are now free and have perhaps just been drifting. Setting your own goals and determine your own destiny is the route now to success, fulfillment and happiness.

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By Harlan L. Jacobsen

Part 13

NEWLY DIVORCED HAVE THEIR BIG COMPUTERS ALL TIED UP.

It is engaged most of the waking hours processing crazy-making data that has no solution, like what went wrong? Why me? What can I learn from this? How can I keep from ever letting this happen again? What should I have done differently? What will ever happen to me now? How can I get even for this injustice?

ALL OF THIS OVERLOADS YOUR COMPUTER, WHICH GOES ON "TILT"

Your computer searches for ways to relieve the overload. When extremely overloaded, it will pick one and you will get involved, like it or not, in one of the following:

1. Drugs (probably not the street corner type). Legal prescribed drugs such as Valium and Librium, etc. The biggest drug problem and drug related deaths in this country today is Valium. ?When your computer is overloaded, you may erroneously seek this as a solution. Those on drugs only cause other problems and merely "delay" finishing processing their divorce and getting on with life.

2. Booze is another way out of the overload. Again, you do not drown the problem, you irrigate it. Watch out for getting into this crutch. You may not be able to get rid of it later.

3. Your subconscious may decide, "overload;" having an illness will get some of this off me. You will then make yourself sick, or you will have an accident or arrange by some such method to cut down the processing load for a time.

4. You could even go crazy; it is an option your subconscious may choose.

SINCE THERE IS NO PROCESSING SOLUTION TO ALL THIS, YOUR COMPUTER SENDS SURVIVAL ALARMS TO YOUR BODY

Anxiety, fears, uptight, not able to sleep, stomach knotted up, they feel emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

ON TOP OF PROCESSING OVER & OVER ALL THIS OLD GARBAGE, YOUR COMPUTER IS HANDLING MORE "CHANGE"' AND "NEW" THAN YOU HAVE EVER HANDLED IN A SHORT TIME.

"'Change" and "new" are emotionally exhausting because you are on "manual." After you have done some of this many, many times, you can do it automatically. Like learning to drive your car, it is now automatic, little or no effort, but initially while learning it, the initial efforts were exhausting. Learning to be single and independent, initially you are on "manual."

Just being terribly depressed takes you out of the ballgame. Going crazy takes you clear out. You don't have to 'cope' with reality any more.

WHEN YOUR MENTAL PROCESSOR IS OVERLOADED PAST THE BREAKING POINT, YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS WILL CHOOSE ONE OF THE ABOVE METHODS OF GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THE LOAD

So you need to: 1. Cut down on any unnecessary changes right now (requires lots of computer time to handle newness): 2. Stop processing the old over and over. 3. Stop trying to analyze and figure out problems that have no solution (crazy-making) . 4. Get some method to give your computer processing time.

TO GET PROCESSING TIME, TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR COMPUTER DAILY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME

Now, you may recognize you have more things to process right now than you have ever had. Your problem is to give it processing time to catch up. Right now you need to give it more time than usual and because of your divorce, you are probably giving it less.

THE BEST PROCESSING TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE HAVING "FUN."

When you are having fun, you are not adding new or reprocessed problem input and your big computer catches up.

INITIALLY, GOING OUT TO SINGLES EVENTS MAY MEAN MORE STRESS AND PROCESSING TIME RATHER THAN PURE FUN

When you start going out to meet new people and get into dating, you are adding to your computer's overload though this may all be under the category of fun. It is unfamiliar fun and should be postponed until you get some of your overload under control. For now, do fun things and recreation that is nonstressful and familiar. When you catch up on some of this processing of your divorce, then you can start going out and making that the fun part of your life.

WHEN YOUR BIG MENTAL COMPUTER CATCHES UP, IT CAN READILY HANDLE SOME NEW PROBLEMS.

When it was already overloaded, a new happening or problem can wipe you out. Therefore, the best thing you can do to cope is spend more time on recreational fun activities. (Be good to yourself.) When you become divorced, you usually stop doing fun things.

THE VERY TIME IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED "MORE FUN," YOU STOP.

You say, "I don't feel like having fun. I feel like I need to stay home and 'figure' this all out in my head." We say, "'Wrong?backwards." Your big computer will process and handle everything nicely if you stop the input we mentioned and deliberately give your big subconscious computer "breathing" time to catch up.

When you use your conscious mind computer (only about 10% of your mental powers), you use a lot of emotional energy and get poor results. When you just turn it over to your subconscious (big computer) and "sleep" on it or have fun on it, the problem will fall in place and be handled easily and automatically.

DELIBERATELY SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELF "NOW" TO DO FUN THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

No matter how expensive it is, it will likely be far cheaper than the physical doctor bills and psychiatrist bills you may have without it.

MOST MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN.

They were brought up during and right after the Depression. When you are in trouble, work harder, don't goof off. Having fun was "wasting" your time.

SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE YOU KNOW CONSTANTLY TAKE TIME OFF FOR "FUN."

They let their computer "catch up"' and they make more money working half as long. They do a better, smarter job and can handle more "garbage" in their life without it bothering them. All because they deliberately take time to have fun.

THE SECRET OF HANDLING LIFE' S DIFFICULTIES IS HAVING TWO HOURS OF PURE FUN A DAY.

Unstructured, something that has little or not payoff other than it is pleasurable. But, boy, is that hard to do when you are newly divorced.

YOU CANNOT BE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE SOME GREAT "FUN" THINGS COMING UP.

If you were going on a long?dreamed about trip to Hawaii next week, could you be depressed this week? Hardly. Your mind couldn't be getting "garbage" input; it would be getting pleasant thoughts input. In addition, while you are having fun, your computer would catch up.

So anytime you line up some future fun, you get two benefits. One, something to look forward to (instead of dwelling on your current hassles), and then actually enjoying it and giving your computer some catch up time.

LEARN HOW TO HAVE FUN

Yes, having fun is a learned process. It may be of help here merely to say "let your kid out again." We will not take up space here in teaching how to have fun, primarily because I do not consider us to be good at it. We merely want to call your attention to the fact you need (now more than ever) to learn how to have fun again. Do not tell us you do not have the time or money. (Somehow you will find the time and money if you are sick.) Find the same time and money for fun right now and you will be far ahead.

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HELPFUL HINTS

by Tim Connor

Let go of old baggage

Was it something your parents did 20 years ago? Something a customer said last week? Or something a spouse or friend said yesterday?

Old baggage is emotional stuff we carry around with us for days, months or even years. It is usually negative stuff like old hurts, resentments, anger or some kind of pain inflicted by another person. It can also be just carrying around some old guilt, failure or fear that impacts our current relationships and life in general.

Why do people hold on to all of these old feelings? Everyone moves through life with their own very personal agendas, needs, and life issues. Old baggage starts to feel very comfortable after a while, so comfortable as a matter of fact many people die never able to let go of these hurts, slights, and pain.

There is one very good reason to let go of all of this stuff. One of the major causes of stress today is suppressed emotions that fester in the body taking their eventual toll on some aspect of our physiology. One of the biggest causes of stress today is all of this old baggage. So why let it go? It may kill you if you don't. What do you need to let go of today? What is preventing you from letting it go? What harm is being caused in a current relationship, your career or business by not letting it go?

Live without regrets

Regret in life weighs tons. Living with words spoken or unspoken, deeds done or deeds left undone, and actions taken or not taken is one of the biggest burdens many people carry with them through life, and some to the grave.

To live each moment in life with a happy perspective and disposition requires that we live in such a way that there is no need to carry regret into the next minute, let alone the next year. Why do people choose to live with regret? A better question is, why do people act or speak in such a way that requires them to experience the constant negative pull of regret in their life? My friends, if I had an answer to that one, I wouldn't be sitting at my computer slaving over each word, I would be cruising the Caribbean on my 60ft yacht.

I, too, have known the sting of regrets. I can only tell you that living with them will not let happiness into your life. They will be like a long shadow darkening the way ahead, as well as the path behind you. Their stretch is well into the future, and they cloud your past with pain, anger, resentment, grief, blame or fear.

Actions or words, or the lack of them is not the real culprit here. We will all make mistakes in life that can be interpreted by us as worthy of feeling regretful. It is what we do about these issues once we become aware that we have taken the action, or said the words. We don't have the luxury of taking back what we have said or done in the past, but we can forgive ourselves or others. What regrets are you living with today that need your forgiveness?

Live in the present

Life is lived in the present, one moment at a time, not, in the past or future. Our futures and memories are created in all of our NOW moments. Living in the present means staying focused on what is happening now, not what happened yesterday, or may happen tomorrow.

People who focus on past: mistakes, errors in judgment, words that were said with innocence, omissions, and disappointment tend to bring a great deal of negative energy into the present.

People who focus on the future: expectations, desires, hopes and "some day dreams" tend to miss the value, joy and wonder of their present moments.

Everyone has stuff, you, nor anyone else will ever rid of it all. The key is to understand that you can't fix what happened yesterday, and you can't fix anything tomorrow. You fix everything NOW.

Your soul wants for you what is your ultimate highest good. Your ego wants to look good, control, and protect itself. The ego tends not to like vulnerability and/or realness. This sets you up for hurt, pain, and rejection.

Learn to stay focused in the now. What you can do now. What you can say now. How you are feeling now. What you believe now. What you want to happen now.

Everything in life is a teacher

Before this day ends, I guarantee life will give you the opportunity to learn something about yourself. Life is an interesting and fascinating series of events, processes, and growth opportunities. It is what happens to us as we plan the outcomes of our life existence. Life is truly a classroom. In a sense, class begins the day we are born, and ends the day we pass from this world to the next. There are no vacations, recesses, and you never graduate.

There is no final exam and there is no pass or fail. You can, however, repeat a grade again and again, until you learn the necessary skills or attitudes that the teachers in this class are trying to help you learn. Each of us is traveling through our very unique lives toward a variety of circumstances, events, people, and outcomes. We are bringing these outcomes and people into our lives both unconsciously and consciously.

Some people are good students, and learn the necessary lessons the first time they appear, while others are stuck in the same old patterns, life dramas, and situations, because they fail to bring the learning back to themselves. You can't quit school, and you must complete each assignment before you get to move on to the next one. Some people refuse to see the learning as theirs.

The opportunity for learning, can be found from each of lifeís experiences or teachers. The key to happiness is to learn to bring all of the learning back to yourself, and not to point your finger at others. We don't get to choose the curriculum in our lives, or the lives of others.

No one has faults

Is there something that a friend, child or spouse does that drives you nuts? Welcome to the club. What are faults? Who has them and what can we do about them? How do happy people deal with them?

Faults are what other people do, think, feel, or believe, differently, than we think they should. Faults from the other personís perspective are not faults, but just who they are. The assumption we make when someone has a fault is that our way of feeling, acting or believing is better than theirs, or even right. Isn't that a kicker? No one has faults. They just have a different perspective on some aspect of life than we do.

So given this definition, and you don't have to accept it, everyone has faults, and no one has faults. Paradox? Yes. Everyone does what they do, thinks what they think, and feels what they feel because it is right for them. This doesn't mean that their life couldn't be better, if they didn't have these faults. Read this again. Aren't we making an assumption that their life could be better? According to what standard? You guessed it, ours. But, ours may or may not even be right, or in our own best interests, let alone theirs. Do we have the right, obligation or need to ìfixî other people. As long as you try, you will live with a great deal of frustration, anxiety, and disappointment.

What can we do. Learn to accept others as being on their own path to becoming, learning what they need to learn, when they need to learn it according to life's overall plan, and not our plan. So, who do you know that has some faults they need to get rid of?

Tim Connor, CSP
Speaker and Author
Connor Resource Group
Box 397
Davidson, NC 28036 USA
704-895-1230
speaker@bellsouth.net

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Memories of past events in our life can have associated with them deep emotional charge. This can cause these memories to keep repeating themselves over and over again throughout our life.

Sometimes the pattern is triggered by our environment and sometimes by a person or situation. Once triggered, the memory of the event plays out, with all the deep emotional charge of the original event.

The first step to solving this pattern of behaviour is to become aware of the process. If you find your mood swinging for no apparent reason it may be that one of these past memories is playing out at a subconscious level.

By focusing on what is happening, you are bring it back into the conscious mind and questioning the validity of the experience and emotions you are experiencing.

Through forgiveness we can release the energies, which are stuck in this pattern of experience and behaviour. Through forgiveness we release the emotional charge and this can be both for the other person and yourself or associated with an event.

These memory patterns can keep playing out over long periods of time and create shadows, which stop us seeing the true reality of a situation. As we move into the new energy more of these patterns of behaviour are coming up to the surface of the mind to be released.

As we release each one, we become a little more aware of the true reality around us. We become a little more centred within ourselves and aware of what is happening now and receive genuine information from our senses.

This growth in our awareness and expansion of our feelings and emotions allows us to grow in self knowledge. It gives us the freedom to choose our mood first and come from our own heart centre and radiate love to those around us.

We stop reacting to life and start to create the life we would love to experience and grow into. We empower ourselves to see life as it truly is and enjoy it in the moment, without carrying all the baggage of past events with us. We become a master of ourselves and therefore master the way we see and experience the world in which we live.

We are growing on the path to mastery and enjoying living life in an evolutionary way. This growth is happening now on an individual level. Soon we will see it happening in our communities and on the level of government and will grow into a new awareness in the world of the oneness of life.

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