WITHIN THIS TOPIC ARE:
2-5-06 A list & description of emotions added preceeding
the 1st article, highlighted in yellow.
to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship
2. Starting over.
3. The power of forgiveness.
if you want to be forgiven?
5. FORGIVENESS With
Hypnosis and Healing Your Past Forever & What are feelings?
is a gift you give yourself.
don't forget. Studies have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving heart.
-The Path to Inner Freedom
Power of Apology
10. Simplicity cannot be overwhelmed
11. How to Deal with Heart Break in Relationships
12. Accept Disappointment
13. 6 ways to let go of emotional turbulence.
14. Time to grieve
break up management
16. Five steps for 30 days and see an AMAZING major change
in your life.
Normal grief & On the Journey of Grief
19. 30 tips for
a faster recovery
20. Stages of healing.
21. Getting over
a relationship breakup.
22. Dealing with the Ending of a Romantic Relationship.
Coping with loss.
25. Feelings at
the End of a Relationship.
26. Healing mistakes.
You Can't Let Go. ( I suggest you read the 'Letting go is a decision' topics )
28. Letting go.
29. Accepting that
30. What To Do When The Relationship Is Over?
31. Views on 'Grief'
32. Learning From A Relationship Breakdown
34. Heal your hurt
Loss of a relationship
36. Radical Forgiveness
Be sure to read about the Sedona Method found by clicking on the menu
button on the left or here: THE SEDONA METHOD
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When we try to understand ourselves
feelings and emotions are true guides.
Emotions deal with the overall picture of our life, and arise from the soul. Emotions
such as love, hate and joy spring from our subconscious and give us an overall prospective and how things are going.
The Emotion List
With four groups of emotions contain four emotions each, we have a total of sixteen
emotions or 256 possible combinations. Combined with different energy levels and simultaneous emotions, the result is
a huge spectrum of emotions. Some of the emotions in the spectrum are listed below.
-strong confused feelings
-intensity of passion
-warmth of manner
sense -strong and intelligent idea
Eagerness -impatient desire to accomplish
Earnestness -deep, resolute desire to accomplish
Ecstasy -extreme delight
Endurance -power to bear pain
Enthusiasm -extraordinary fervor
Experience -something undergone or enjoyed
Fanaticism -extravagant zeal
Ferment -intense excitement
-intensity of feeling
-sudden confused state of mind
-sudden elation or excitement
-confused state of mind
of the heart -generosity
-overmastering passion for
-fervency of intensity of felling
Gusto -keen enjoyment; relish
Heartiness -earnestness and sincerity
Hectic -a habitual
Impression -the effect produced on the mind
Inspiration -divine influence; elevating influence
of genius or occasion
-tender or sorrowful feeling
-agitation of the mind
Pother -continued confusion
Pulsation -a beating or throbbing of the heart
Response -act or feeling as a result of an appeal
Ruffle -state of slight vexation
Sensation -an impression made on the mind through the
Shock -starting emotion; violence to the feelings
Stew -a state of agitating excitement
Sex -body feelings (warm tickles)
Sufferance -experience of pain or evil
Suffering -severe pain
Supportance -assistance to an ill person
Sympathy - fellow feeling for one in pain or trouble
Thrill -a tremor of feeling or excitement
Tolerance -allowing what is not altogether approved
Turn -a shock, as from an alarm
Unction -that quality in language or address which excites
Vehemence Anger/Disdain -strength or impetuosity of
feeling or passion
-the enthusiasm of a poet or artist
Warmth -slight passion
Zeal -enthusiastic devotion
This list of emotions show how wide emotions
can run. Note that most feelings are shared with animals whereas only the lower (often evil) emotions are shared with
animals. Other more human emotions are enhanced by the virtues we acquire in life.
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to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship!"
by Susie and
It very easy to get into a relationship.
But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process.
It seems that everywhere you look,
many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving. In this week's article we thought we'd
give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process.
Our suggestions are :
1) To never look at a relationship
(or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous
Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished,
it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better
idea." Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always
2) Turn from the past and look toward
the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find
ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking
and writing about what you want for your life.
3) Know and understand that there
are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship
and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth.
4) Acknowledge, without blame, your
part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility
of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault.
5) Learn from the patterns of the
past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
6) Give thanks for the lessons that you learned
in that relationship. Honor that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey.
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by Susan Quilliam
Recovering from a failed relationship is tough.
You can do it, though, and find love in five simple steps once you commit to leave the past behind
Your relationship is over. No matter who ended
it, your new life starts now. Except it may not feel like a new life. It may hurt far too much for that. What's more, fallout
from the break-up may be affecting other personal or professional areas of your life. Moving on from a break-up takes time,
but it's got to be done. You need to look ahead and take responsibility for enjoying a renewed sense of freedom and, in time,
a new romance.
Leaving the past behind
The key to getting
over a failed relationship is to remember that this loss is similar to bereavement. Often, after a break-up, we suffer the
same key stages of bereavement including shock, denial, grief and anger. Know and accept that it will take time before you
start feeling normal again.
Help yourself by accepting support from friends,
colleagues and family. Be patient: the pain will die away but it will take time. In the first few months after a break-up,
do anything that keeps you occupied and busy. Being social may be the last thing you really want to do, but the busier you
are, the less sad you'll feel.
If the pain lingers too long, take
action. Jill, 34, found herself still bursting into tears at every mention of her ex's name a year on from her divorce. She
finally saw her GP and then a counsellor for advice. 'In hindsight, I'd tipped over into depression; the counsellor offered
support and helped me get my life in perspective,' she says. Had she not taken control and sought help, she could have suffered
unnecessarily for many more months.
Learning the lessons
After any loss, part
of the bereavement process involves recognising what you've learned. When a relationship has ended, you need to do this too.
Rather than feeling bitter, start to think clearly about what you'll know next time you enter a relationship. As you recover,
ask yourself the following questions:
- What would I have needed in order to choose
a more suitable partner?
- How could I have started the relationship better
and laid down more structured ground rules?
- When things started to go wrong, what could
I have done differently?
You may want to discuss these issues with
people you trust and hear their views.
Getting out and about
As you recover, you'll
start feeling more enthusiastic about life. Start being sociable again; be proactive about meeting new people. It may feel
difficult, but it is achievable - especially with practice.
- Get in touch with all your friends. Never turn
down an invite, however boring, because it might lead to a new and exciting friendship.
- Take up a new interest, sport or try volunteer
work. It will help you stay busy and put you in touch with other like-minded people in your local area.
- Most importantly, set new goals. Write a list
of your dreams including the things you weren't able to do in your previous relationship. One woman, Hannah 35, went trekking
in the Himalayas as part of her recovery process after a break-up with her boyfriend of seven years, who disliked going abroad.
Any inspirational goals including new travel plans, adventuresome activities like sky diving, redecoration plans - will help
you get over your old relationship.
The dating game
Once you've started to
socialise again, you'll almost certainly start meeting potential new partners. However, you may feel so battered by your break-up
that you can't imagine dating again. You may feel insecure about your looks, worried about what you'll talk about or panicked
that you'll be asked to leap straight into bed. Don't worry, because all these feelings are natural. Here's how to cope:
- Looks: almost certainly, you look better than
you think. Of course, one of the most attractive features in someone is confidence. The easiest way to let this shine through
is to be yourself. Quite honestly, all the letters I get from men say that personality is more important than looks. So walk
tall, look people in the eye, smile, and you'll knock 'em dead.
- Making contact: never regard a man as a potential
date. Regard him as a prospective friend first. Be interested, ask questions and tell him about yourself. Remember that men,
particularly if they are newly separated or fresh from a break-up, are equally vulnerable.
- Sex: don't feel pressured to have sex. Only
make love if you want to and feel you are mentally ready. If you get nervous of what exactly to do during the act, tell him
and ask him to coach you along. Be careful of getting involved too quickly. While you may want love, he may only want sex,
and this is the often last thing you need if you're feeling emotionally fragile.
When love comes again
Be careful of rebounding
into a new relationship. This can be a big mistake for both people involved. Not only do you miss the positive effects of
being alone for a while, such as a renewed sense of empowerment, you may also make the wrong choice if you're still emotionally
Lizzie, 27, admits that, 'two weeks after Jim
walked out, I met Paul at a party. I thought he was my dream man, but two months later couldn't imagine what I'd seen in him.
It was a bad mistake and made getting out of that relationship another tough hurdle to overcome on the heels of a hard break-up.'
So how will you know when the right partner
comes along? It certainly won't be just because you are in love or in lust with him. These are wonderful feelings, but you
need real compatibility for the relationship to last.
Is he the one?
The key signs of compatibility
The Power of Forgiveness
the end, it's something you do for yourself.
by Alina Larson
shopper cuts in front of you in the
grocery store line. A coworker takes credit for something that was your idea. A friend talks about you behind your back. A
parent wasn't there for you. A spouse has an online flirtation. If, as Alexander Pope famously wrote, "To err is human; to
forgive is divine," sometimes we're all too human, aren't we?
And not only when it comes to erring either. There are
times forgiving seems not just difficult but impossible. Angry, vulnerable, frustrated, we replay hurtful experiences again
and again in our minds. For weeks, months, years, even. How could so-and-so have done that? Constant emotional torment...that's
no way to live.
But how do you reclaim your life and actually enjoy it again? You can learn to let go of the past and
the pain, and release your conflicted emotions. That doesn't mean returning to a destructive relationship or condoning bad
behavior. What we're talking about is actively practicing forgiveness.
"There are many definitions of forgiveness,"
says psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Dare to Forgive. "But ultimately
it means renouncing the hold anger and resentment have over you. I say 'renounce' because it's conscious: 'I'm not going to
let it govern my life.'"
You might not realize how much of an impact grudge-holding has on your emotional, physical
and spiritual well-being. Psychological effects include depression, anxiety and stress. These emotional problems have physical
repercussions, affecting cardiovascular, muscular, gastrointestinal, nervous and immune systems-nearly every part of the body.
Just think of something someone has done that's upset you recently, and feel your heart speed up and your muscles tense. Don't
you want to live with less stress and more optimism, hope and happiness? You can, if you learn to forgive.
This is not to say you should simply dismiss your pain and go on as if nothing has happened. That, according to clinical
psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of How Can I Forgive You, is "cheap
forgiveness," an unhealthy approach that is doomed to fail because "it's a desperate attempt to cover up the injury" rather
than come to terms with it. Usually someone avoids confronting her hurt and the person who caused it because she's afraid-of
conflict; of losing her connection, however dysfunctional, with the offender; of facing up to her own role in the situation.
Spring advocates acceptance—you acknowledge fully the wrong that's been done, "clear your head of emotional
poison," then move on. You might choose to have no relationship with the other person, or to have a limited one, whatever
allows you to remain true to yourself. This works even when the other person is unwilling to make things right. Spring emphasizes
that acceptance is a gift to yourself, not to the offender.
Psychologist Fred Luskin, Ph.D., author of Forgive for Good and cofounder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, has a similar take. "Make a commitment
to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better," he says. "Forgiveness is for you, and no one else."
become grievances because we have what Luskin calls "unenforceable rules," expectations about how someone should act, or how
things should happen, when we have no control over either. Luskin learned this the hard way when a close friend rejected him
for no apparent reason. He started researching forgiveness because he was distraught and bitter over the loss of the friendship.
"I was operating under the delusion that I owned this friend," he says. "The truth is, you don't own anybody. You can only
hope they make good decisions and sometimes they don't."
The most common misconceptions about forgiveness are that
when you forgive, you are saying that someone's inconsiderate or selfish behavior is okay and that you eventually will or
should reconcile with the offender.
"You don't have to put yourself back into an abusive situation. You just have to be at peace in your heart," says
Luskin. That peace comes when you learn to take a hurt less personally, take responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming
the offender for them, and change your "grievance story," meaning your repeatedly retold version of events in which you are
To forgive, Luskin says, you first have to pinpoint exactly how you feel and what upsets you about the
situation. Then tell a few people you trust. (Most of us do this right off the bat.)
Next, you want to calm your body's
fight-or-flight response to the emotional and physical upset. Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply with your belly, and visualize
a beautiful, soothing scene in nature, or recall a moment when you felt great love for someone.
Now it's time to tackle
your unenforceable rule. Think about how your desire-for love, friendship or loyalty, for example-became a demand. Then change
that unrealistic expectation into a wish or hope. The rule Luskin has seen most often is some variant of "my past should have
been different" or "my parents should have treated me better." But you can't change the past, nor other people's past actions.
The rule needs to become a wish, "I would have preferred more loving parents."
Margaret Meriweather, 33, of San Francisco,
had to cope with that problem. Her parents had gone through a messy divorce. "I had some resentment," says Meriweather, who
took Luskin's forgiveness class three years ago. "I felt betrayed and abandoned by my father."
For Meriweather, the
most difficult part of the process was writing down her grievance story, because she had to extricate her own feelings from
those of her family members. Yet she found it freeing to examine her expectations: "my father should have behaved better during
the divorce", "my father should not have lied to me.
"It was a huge revelation to really acknowledge how much the past was affecting my everyday life in the present," Meriweather
says. "I noticed in my training when I made the switch from demanding to hoping, there was a shift in me. The self-compassion
was significant. It felt good physically and mentally."
Part of the forgiveness process is finding other ways to meet
your emotional needs. If a friend has rejected you, seek a new friend. If a parent let you down, build strong relationships
with older mentors.
Make a deliberate effort to look for the good in the world. "You need to become more consciously
positive," says Luskin. That is the key to letting go of your wounded feelings.
Then it will become easier to change
your grievance story, turning it around so that you are the hero, not the victim. "I learned to be sympathetic with myself,
to see how difficult my parents' divorce was for me," says Meriweather. She also saw how much she'd accomplished despite not
having a great relationship with her father. "The big breakthrough for me was sorting out and accepting that I have some fundamental
differences with him. They may never be resolved and that's okay."
Martha Cravens, 47, of Montara, California, has
seen forgiveness training have an amazing impact on her everyday life. In Luskin's class she worked through the anger she
had toward her ex-husband, whose addiction to pain medication slowly destroyed their marriage.
"I didn't want to be
carrying that in my emotional knapsack," says Cravens. The most valuable part of the process was learning how to forgive herself,
after years of questioning her own behavior, "Why didn't I speak up? How could I have stayed with him for so long?" She saw
that although she may not have had the skills or self-esteem to leave back then, all in all, she did the best job she could
for herself and her sons, now 11 and 14.
Cravens developed the ability to not take her ex's past actions personally.
She now understands his behavior had more to do with his addiction than with her. And she has used her newfound skills to
deal with her sons' adolescent mood swings, an angry neighbor and the ups and downs of dating. Forgiving has helped her to
not only cope better but to enjoy life more.
"It's a process of looking into that knapsack and seeing what I am carrying around," she says. "I don't want to carry
a load. I want to be creative and elegant and flexible." Practicing forgiveness so you can stop living in the past and start
living your best life now...that sounds pretty freeing, doesn't it?
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What if you want to be forgiven?
Wanting forgiveness can take as much
of a toll as needing to forgive. Your guilt carries its own brand of stress. How do you say you're sorry? Psychologist Janis
Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., has developed some "critical tasks" for earning forgiveness:
Take stock. Examine your assumptions about forgiveness. No, you shouldn't wait till you're good and ready to
apologize, and no, you don't necessarily deserve to be forgiven. Still, admitting that you behaved badly doesn't mean you're
a bad person. Don't assume your offense was so grave that it can never be overcome.
up. Ask the other person to explain her hurt and listen with an open heart. This is one of the most powerful contributions
you can make to the healing process. "The hurt party needs to talk it out in a constructive way," says Spring. "The offender
needs to listen without detaching or defending."
Apologize. Which, sorry, doesn't
just mean saying, "I'm sorry." Take full responsibility. Make your apology personal, specific and heartfelt. "The hurt party
wants to know what exactly you are sorry for," says Spring. "Think about what the situation means to you, to the hurt party,
and to your relationship." For example, an alcoholic parent might say to a son, "I understand I created a home where you couldn't
bring a friend. I didn't attend school activities. I robbed you of a childhood."
Work hard. Regaining someone's trust takes effort and action. Ask the hurt person what you can do, and make your
If you've done all of this, you're looking at a better you. You're less likely to repeat mistakes, and your relationship,
now that it's been fully examined, might be stronger.
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FORGIVENESS With Hypnosis and Healing Your Past Forever
At New York Awareness Center we offer you hypnosis techniques
for your healing through forgiveness in order to achieve the peaceful state in mind and to allow yourself to move on with
your life, often achieving consequent success and happiness in the present life. We facilitate your achievement of success
through forgiveness, healing and subsequent positive change in life and health with Hypnosis through Hypnotherapy individual
confidential sessions in a conveniently located office in New York City.
"You are not your mistakes, you are your
possibilities." Oprah Winfrey
Like many people now perhaps you are one of those who came at a certain point
in their life and realized that they are stuck, and want to get unstuck, move on, move ahead. But as if something holds them
up, stops their development, blocks their way, holds them in place, like a dark cloud over your head, constantly there, present
and with you the entire time, even when you are seemingly happy. This feeling is there and it stems from the past, from the
hurt back then, rooting way beyond we could realize if would impact us in the future. DON'T YOU WANT to become happy and make
others happy too?
What you realize now is:
- that you are angry, frustrated, fearful because you were hurt
- feel the feeling of guilt
- slipped into a pattern like behavior where bad stuff repeats itself over and over
- the feelings of various fears overwhelm you often
- you are in the survival mode unable to enjoy life
- perhaps adding to it a self-destructive behavior
- unable to put things in a perspective
You are now willing to look at your situation
and do something about it, you have had enough of the stuck, you want to move on with your life and begin to create happiness.
Something each of us deserves - peace in mind and at heart, joy, hope, future and healing. Now allow yourself to:
that you were hurt
get rid of guilt
stop playing a victim
unload your anger and indignation
recognize that in spite of all you are a
strong and compassionate person
put the past in the perspective, leave it
where it belongs - in the PAST
- stop repeating patterns, allow happiness to enter your life
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a feeling and it stays with you. Forgiveness is an ongoing
healing process. Forgiveness is an internal process, no one can do it for you, and no one can make you do it. You only do
it when you realize you need it. With hypnotherapy you can allow yourself to realize your great potential much sooner and
much more successfully in a safe environment of a qualified hypnotherapist.
Forgiveness is letting go of the intense emotion attached to incidents
in your past. Even if you don't remember and don't realize that that is what happened, those incidents, words and events which
happened in the past, as well as your responses are vividly alive in your subconscious memories.
Forgiveness is recognizing that we no longer NEED our grudges and resentments,
our hatred and self-pity, because it does not make us happy to be that way. We no longer need to be the victim.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.
Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we can do to punish
them will heal us.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish ourselves with the feelings
of guilt and anger.
Forgiveness is freeing up the energy held by anger and grudge, resentment
nursing unhealed wounds. Once the energy is released, we can begin to understand and develop the better parts of ourselves,
step into and stay on the path of love and compassion.
Forgiveness is moving on with our life, allowing the blocks to be removed
and allowing the happiness to enter our life. Create a healthy lifestyle with real emotional well-being, openness to the world
and healthy responses to the life and the people around us.
Letting the pain go, letting the offenders be and accepting the new way of perceiving
the hurt, forgiving and moving one gives you a feeling of liberation and as if the wings grow for you, gives you energy to
become happy and make others happy.
What Forgiveness is NOT
- Forgiveness is not forgetting.
- Forgiveness is not condoning.
- Forgiveness is not absolution.
- Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice.
- Forgiveness is not a one-time clear cut decision.
Myths and Illusions about NOT forgiving
The illusion that if you do not forgive you could still have a perfect life. As if Not
forgiving is keeping the would unhealed and it re-opens every time the pattern repeats.
The illusion of being good. AS if Not forgiving helps you define who you are. You are
a victim of some injustice.
The illusion of power, as if by Not Forgiving you have power over the hurt if you keep
it alive in your mind prison, making it omnipotent and omnipresent.
The illusion that you won't be hurt again. AS if Not forgiving allows you to protect
yourself from being hurt again, possible pain and as if not forgiving give you power of choices.
What is the process of Forgiveness?
The process of forgiveness in a safe environment of your hypnotherapist's office involves
a hypnotic session during which hypnotic regression is facilitated by your hypnotherapist with you, in which in hypnosis you
are prompted to a imaginary going back in time to the cause through the causative feeling, and bypassing the event itself,
just working with the feeling and reframing the perceptions into positive through specific hypnotic techniques.
This sessions are recommended for all. It is easy and effortless and absolutely beneficial for you just as hypnosis is in
general. The session(s) are highly confidential and facilitated by a qualified specialist only. The outcome of one such session
can change your life to make it so much better, and make you feel so much lighter as if the weight has been lifted off your
shoulders, that had been there your entire life.
Forgiveness - Do It For YOU
Think about this. In all the years you have been harboring resentment and holding grudges,
has anyone who hurt you ever once offered you an apology and somehow compensated you for the injury? Have they relieved
you pain? Have you come to peace in your heart thinking about that hurt? The good times you missed during the suffering?
And all the years you wanted to "make up for it" wanted them to "make it up to you" kept your wounds from healing.
Now you can change this, now you can change the whole life by allowing the peace into
your mind and compassion into your heart. Changing yourself for Yourself
for the joy, serenity and peace, understanding and laughter, the brighter future, and the better lifestyle. You benefit from
it and this is why you forgive.
Hypnosis is the fastest way you can achieve these goals. In talk therapy one can spend
years and years, and not achieve a specific result. In hypnotherapy the results are obvious and achievable within weeks. One can learn a few hypnosis techniques
and attain the forgiveness on a regular basis as part of healing cleansing. More about Hypnosis click here.
Forgiveness Is Healing Process
- Healing through forgiveness is a personal process and it is highly influenced by the
- specific ways you were hurt
- how you reacted to the injuries
- your present circumstances- both positive and negative aspects of your lifestyle, resources,
emotional support and insight, as well as your spiritual preparation and training and experience.
- your own personal vision of your future, your inner peace and your own wishes.
Stages of Healing:
- Victim play
- Indignation, anger, resentment. Pain, suffering, defensiveness.
- Survivor stage, return to compassion and understanding, sense of humor, regaining your
- Integration - starting a new life, healing the wounds, letting it go, putting the past
into the past.
What Are Feelings?
Feelings are closer to emotions, not thoughts.
To a question What do you feel? you answer: "I feel sad, (or lonely) (or angry), etc. and not: " I think it is wrong to do
this or that." Emotions are easily distinguished from thoughts if we understand that feelings are our physical reactions to
the situations around us, the emotional response.
And the emotional responses could be good
or bad. Good feelings are our emotional responses with pleasurable outcome, where our wants and desires are satisfied. Those
are happiness, joy, safety, security, peacefulness, pride for yourself, achievement, love. We like the ways of expression
of those emotions and the way we feel the corresponding feelings.
However, feeling and emotions are different.
Feelings are showing the way to a
real emotion. Emotion can be described as a perception, way of reaction to an event, happening. You may be surprised to know
that there is only one emotion - desire, wish. Desire can be described as "I wish" in four basic expressions of emotion. Fear,
anger, sadness and joy.
Fear is an expression of a wish to run away from a problem.
Anger is a willful expression antagonistic assertiveness, confrontation, sadness is
a wish to change things, and joy is a wish to live. Think about this, you will understand the inner core of their meaning.
Let's talk about the bad feelings. Consider
the feelings of anger or sadness. Once we can identify the feeling, this means that some want or need has been left unmet.
And this calls for an action. We are like a mechanism that needs repair, like a car that needs fuel to run.
Surprise!! - All Feelings Are Good
All Feelings are good because they are given
to us to feel something for a reason. They give us a motivation and movement in our behavior. Let's look at feelings
through their unmet needs. Create the emotional stimulation through emotional pain, not pleasure (unlike the "good" feelings).
Bad Feelings are these:
Kinds of Feelings and Emotions We Feel
Emotional Pain //Corresponding Un-met
Bored - Unmet need to feel Challenged
Sadness -Unmet need to keep valued
people or things
Anger - Unmet need to feel Fairness
Guilt -Unmet need to feel Fairness
Stress -Unmet need to succeed in managing
Fear -Unmet need to feel Safe
Loneliness-Unmet need for a Relationship/closeness
Inadequacy- Unmet need to feel Equal/adequate
Frustration- Unmet desire to meet one's
Depression -Unmet need to be hopeful/optimistic/independent
of the problem/symptom
What Comes Next ?
Often we use distracters to move the focus
of our attention form the feeling we have toward what MAY make us feel "better", like having a bowl of ice-cream or buying
a couple of pairs of shoes, or having a drink. This does not get rid of the feeling and in many cases makes us feel even worse,
as ice-cream puts on a few extra pounds when we don't need them, shopping impairs our financial situation adding to feeling
bad, and drinking impairs our judgment making us end up with a wrong decision. When the primary feelings are left unattended
and the distracters are in place then the consequent feeling of
a deep disappointment in all your ability
to achieve some positive change which enters your life. When frustration builds up and we loose the capacity to make decisions
correctly and eventually loose interest in many things that usually made us feel good in the past,
a complete disinterest in all you have always loved, a feeling of prolonged sadness and inability to motivate one-self toward
progress and success.
Positive Programming With Hypnosis
Distracters to make us feel "better" are
just not enough. All they do is just postpone dealing with the source problem until the feeling grows into a depressive state.
Some common distracters are consuming more food and shopping, smoking and drinking, perpetual cleaning and constantly busying
ourselves until we are so tired and flop in the bed without thinking, and then laying there and cannot fall asleep.
Through Hypnosis we can enter The Positive
Programming stage. The goal here is to correctly identify the feeling we feel initially and correctly categorize it, and then
create a positive correct response to the CAUSE, not to the consequent feeling. From the categories listed at the top of the
page it is easier to pick out a feeling for this moment when we feel it. In hypnosis such work is highly facilitated. Then
we need to identify the source of such feeling. If every time you go to work your head hurts and you feel angry, then work
through the day until you find the source (not the direction) of your anger. Perhaps it is a job in itself, rather than your
boss, or a co-worker. Then comes the most important step to identify the correct satisfying response. So the process is such
"Feeling-Cause-Response" The process can be largely facilitated through hypnosis, as in hypnosis many ways of calculating,
analyzing and rationalizing are substituted by relaxed flow of subconscious knowledge coming up to the surface of your thinking.
This is why the process becomes so successful and fast.
Kay was a successful stock broker. She was
married for 7 years but during this time was not able to conceive a child she wanted. Her husband was a busy businessman,
with three daughters from previous marriage and one of them getting pregnant at the age of 15. Kay had no idea where her frustration
stemmed from and continued eating more and more. Initially and through work in hypnosis it was easy for her to determine what
the feelings were: she became stressed in her relationship, felt lonely in her battle with her emotions,
feared for her family stability. Finally, she resolved to learn to relax, learned to manage the life with her husband
better, which gave her a feeling of safety and more time in relationship with her husband. She lost weight and relaxed
and was able to conceive within 6 months.
Janice was a very busy marketing director.
She practically lives at work. Her eating patterns became destructive to her. She gained weight and felt frustrated.
Every night she continued to comfort herself after a hard and emotionally draining day with a bowl of ice-cream in bed before
falling asleep, but it did not make her feel any better. Through hypnosis she was able to work her situation, determined
the feeling of loneliness, and began working toward creating a ground for her relationship. She had also identified
another feeling, guilt, through her being unfair to her daughter through her divorce. She had also had identified a
feeling of anger toward her ex-husband, because he left her in a straining financial situation and now she had little
time for her small daughter. She started to fear for her job, as her financial situation became progressively worse. Being
able to pinpoint the feelings allowed Janice to start work and quickly progress onto a productive re-direction of her energy
and her time. Quickly soon after she regained the control in her life and felt much safer and more relaxed.
YOU CAN DO IT TOO
Learning to Reframe Negative Responses Through
Identifying the feeling you feel, then identifying the cause of it, the source of it, and then creating the satisfying response
to calm this feeling.
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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
By Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting
Are you someone who walks around feeling angry
with your spouse or loved one much of the time? Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all
of his or her wrongdoings? Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that
you can keep score? If this describes you at all, you better read what I'm about to say and take it to heart.
Lack of forgiveness imprisons you.
It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts.
No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable.
When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You
can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.
In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages,
you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not "give in." To you, giving in means forgiving,
letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance.
You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you've drawn. And though
the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.
I have worked with so many couples who say they
want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they're offered the tools, they can't seem to move forward. These
are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, "Our problems
are your fault and you must pay." As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very
sad. Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day observe their parents being "right" but "miserable."
What lessons are they learning about love?
If any of this strikes a chord with you (and
you wouldn't be reading this if it didn't), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting
go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy
and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged,
but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The
person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.
"All this sounds good," you tell yourself, "but
how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?" Good question. You don't! Forgiveness is not the same
as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner.
But what will happen, is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You
will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won't go unnoticed. Others
will be drawn to you.
Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling.
It is a decision. You decide that you are going start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you
make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a
more positive future.
So promise yourself, that no matter what the
reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love.
I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind's eye at the moment.
Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.
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Forgive, don't forget
Studies have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving
As the faithful contemplate Christ's words of forgiveness this Easter, scientists extol the
benefits of an outmoded article of faith.
By Elizabeth Large.
To forgive is human. It's just very hard. People are wired to respond with anger, hold grudges
and seek revenge; and despite the teachings of Christianity and other religions, victims of wrongdoing usually do all three.
The brother who tormented you when you were little. The spouse who cheated. The terrorists
responsible for the September 11 attacks. Why should you forgive them?
Researchers and academics may have an answer, even for those who don't believe the act of forgiveness
is good for the soul. In recent years, scientists have become interested in the health benefits of forgiveness. Their studies
have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving heart.
The lowest common denominator of this research is the flood of self-help and pop psychology
books promoting forgiveness as a cure-all. At the other end of the spectrum, psychotherapists have found forgiveness to be
a useful tool in reconciling couples and families. In some studies, it has been linked to an improvement in chronic back pain
and depression; in others, to reduced levels of stress hormones. And scientists have found that forgiveness is one of several
coping mechanisms that help people with HIV/AIDS live longer, or at least more satisfying, lives.
By 1997, researchers had conducted only 58 empirical studies. Since then, more than 1200
scientific papers have been published on the subject.
"The topic of forgiveness is hot right now," says psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, author
of How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To (HarperCollins, 2004). "Conferences are being
held. Articles are being written. Forgiveness is being plucked out of the spiritual and theological realm and put into the
psychological and physical."
Like acupuncture, meditation and other alternative healing strategies, forgiveness has only
recently become a respectable topic of scientific studies. In 1990, psychologist Fred DiBlasio, a professor at the University
of Maryland, Baltimore, submitted an article to an international scientific journal on his research. The journal was willing
to publish it if he would agree to change the word "forgiveness" to "forgetting".
"It was too spiritual for them," says DiBlasio.
But forgiveness, of course, isn't the same thing as forgetting. He didn't make the change.
In his clinical practice, DiBlasio has found that using forgiveness can speed up therapy. Shanae
and Fred Murray had one three-hour session with him, and three years later the couple from Pikesville Maryland still characterise
it as life-changing.
The Murrays came to him with a 13-year-old problem, the sort of problem that doesn't seem so
serious unless you're caught in the middle of it. Shanae was constantly inviting guests over without telling her husband about
it. Fred hated not being consulted, and he didn't want to be a good host. The underlying conflict was quietly destroying their
"It was eating at me," says Fred, who is an only child. As he talked in the session, he realised
his feelings could in part be traced back to the time he served in Vietnam. "I had seen so much death, I wanted to be alone.
At home, I would close the doors. I didn't realise what I was doing."
As the session progressed, Fred came to understand why Shanae continually put him in unwanted
social situations. When she was growing up, there were always lots of people around. After church every Sunday, her mother
would invite friends over.
"As a little girl in a large, poor family, (Shanae, one of seven children) took care of the
whole family. When her husband saw she was the person who brought people together, he could see it wasn't just against him,"
"Talking it through releases you," says Fred. "When you forgive someone, you forgive yourself.
You release some baggage."
"Everything is forgivable," adds Shanae. "It doesn't mean you have to forget."
Some patients might not be comfortable with the concept of a forgiveness session, of working
towards one person saying the words "I forgive you". The Murrays, members of the Colonial Baptist Church congregation, found
it particularly helpful because it fitted so well with their religious beliefs.
Most studies show that people who don't have profound faith have a more difficult time forgiving,
says Everett Worthington, executive director of the Virginia-based foundation A Campaign for Forgiveness Research. The author
of many books and articles on the subject, Worthington found his own faith tested on New Year's Eve in 1995 when an intruder
murdered his mother.
"I'm not an uber-forgiver," he says. "I once held a grudge against a professor, who gave me
a B, for 10 years."
But to start the process, he tried to empathise with the assailant: the fear he must have felt
when Worthington's mother walked in on him during the robbery; the fact that all the mirrors in the house had been smashed
after the attack, suggesting to the psychologist that the murderer couldn't bear his own reflection.
Still, it wasn't until later when Worthington was talking to his brother that he had an epiphany.
He had pointed to a baseball bat nearby and raged, "I wish he were here right now".
"Whose heart was darker?" he says now. "I was a 48-year-old forgiveness expert and a Christian.
I knew I could be forgiven. Who am I to hold this grudge against this kid?"
Even though the assailant was never caught, Worthington says he has been able to move on.
But isn't moving on possible without forgiveness, simply by letting go of your anger? Based
on her research, Lydia Temoshok, director of the Behavioral Medicine Program at the Institute of Human Virology at the University
of Maryland, says no. "It's letting go, and I forgive you. It's something about that added component. Then you close the circle.
It's not just stopping something, but starting a new pattern."
She works with HIV/AIDS patients, which, she says, can involve a lot of forgiveness. Do they
forgive people for not accepting them? Do they forgive the person who infected them? Do they forgive themselves? Do they forgive
science for not having a cure?
The program's preliminary work suggests that forgiveness lowered the stress hormones that in
turn affect the immune system, but only when the patients forgave the ones they blamed.
However, Jeffrie Murphy, author of Getting Even: Forgiveness and Its Limits (Oxford
University Press, 2003), argues we shouldn't condemn those who choose not to forgive. He worries, for instance, about the
abused wife who forgives and is then beaten again.
"Forgiveness can be a great blessing, but it should be used selectively," he says. "The forgiveness
crowd is always saying that forgiveness will give you closure. But also seeing (offenders) get what they deserve can bring
closure."- Baltimore Sun
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The Path to Inner Freedom
by Michael B. RossI would like to share some of what I have learned about forgiveness. First I would like to expose the myths
of forgiveness — that is, what forgiveness is not. Then I would like to move on to what forgiveness truly is. Once we
understand these two sides of the coin, we can start to make true progress in forgiving.
What Forgiveness Is Not
is not forgetting. We are taught from an early age to "forgive and forget." However, this is often not realistic and is
not valuable. It would be nice to be able to turn back the clock and erase the unpleasantness of our past, but it just isn't
possible. The real trick isn't to forget the past, but to learn from the past and try to use it to help yourself and others
both now and in the future.
is not condoning. Forgiving doesn't
mean that the past was okay or not so bad. We were hurt; it was painful; and it affected our lives. Forgiveness allows us
to deal with the past in a more effective manner that doesn't minimize the past, but rather minimizes the effects of that
painful past on the present and our future. It in no way denies, justifies, or condones the original harm done to us in the
Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness does not absolve the perpetrator of responsibility for
their actions. It doesn't let them off the hook. The reality is that we cannot grant absolution even if we wanted to —
that is the sole responsibility of God. And while only God can grant absolution, only the perpetrator can seek it. They are
ultimately responsible for their own actions and must make peace with their own past, just as we must make peace with our
past. We don't forgive others for their sake. We forgive for our own sake, and for our own peace of mind.
Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is not pretending that everything is just fine when
you feel it isn't. This is perhaps the most difficult concept of forgiveness to understand because sometimes the distinction
between being truly forgiving and simply denying or repressing anger and pain can be deceptive and confusing. Plastering a
smile on your face and "making nice" is not forgiving. Either we forgive, or we do not — there is no halfway. And we
must be careful to be honest with ourselves if we are not ready to forgive, because in the long run it is better to admit
to and deal with our inability to forgive than just to pretend to forgive.
Forgiveness is not a
sign of weakness. Far from weakness,
forgiveness is a sign of true inner strength. When we forgive we understand that we don't need our anger and hatred to protect
ourselves. We don't need the pain as a crutch anymore. Forgiveness doesn't depend upon who hurt us, what they did, or whether
or not they are sorry for their actions. We don't forgive out of our weakness toward the perpetrator, but out of our own internal
strength. Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves.
What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a form of realism.
It allows us to see our lives as they really are, probably for the first time. It doesn't deny, minimize, or justify what
others have done to us, or the pain that we have suffered. It does, however, allow us to look squarely at old wounds and scars
and see them for what they are. And it allows us to see how much energy we have wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves
by not forgiving.
is a sign of positive self-esteem.
It allows us to put the past into its proper perspective. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices.
We are no longer victims. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say: "I'm tired of the pain, and I want to be healed."
At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility — although it may take time and much hard work before it is finally
Forgiveness is letting
go of the past. Forgiveness doesn't
erase what happened, but it does allow you to lessen and hopefully eliminate the pain of the past. And more importantly, the
pain from our past no longer dictates how we live in the present and can no longer determine our future.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. It means that we no longer want to get even, or spend time dreaming
of how we will make them suffer for what they have done to us. It is realizing that we may never be able to "even the score"
and that even if we did that nothing we do to punish them will help to heal us. It is discovering the inner peace that we
feel when we just let go of the past and forget thoughts of vengeance.
Forgiveness is moving
on. Forgiveness is in recognizing
all that we have lost because of our refusal to forgive. It's in realizing that the energy that we spent hanging on to the
past is better spent on improving our present lives and our future. It's letting go of the past so that we can move on.
We all have painful incidents from our past. And at one time or another we have all made the mistake of
trying to run away from the past. The problem is that no matter how fast you run, or how far you run, the past has a way of
always catching up to you. Forgiveness is a way of dealing with the past so that we no longer have to run. It allows us to
deal honestly with our past and allows us to heal the pain. It helps us to find the inner peace that can come only from changing
ourselves and our attitudes.
As Dr. Sidney Simon wrote in Forgiveness: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get
On With Your Life, "that is what forgiveness is all about — working through the unfinished business, letting go
of the pain and moving on for your sake. You forgive so that you can finally get rid of the excess baggage that has
been weighing you down and holding you back; so that you can be free to do and be whatever you decide instead of stumbling
along according to the script painful past experiences wrote for you."
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The Power of Apology
Apology changed my life. I believe it can change
yours, as well. Almost like magic, apology has the power to repair harm, mend relationships, soothe wounds and heal broken
Apology is not just a social nicety. It is an
important ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person. It is also a way of acknowledging an act that,
if otherwise left unnoticed, might compromise the relationship. Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and
to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively,
it can undo the negative effects of those actions.
Apology is crucial to our mental and even physical
health. Recent research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology
actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it--blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing
Emotional Benefits of Apology
• A person who has been harmed feels emotional
healing when he is acknowledged by the wrongdoer.
• When we receive an apology, we no longer
perceive the wrongdoer as a personal threat.
• Apology helps us to move past our anger
and prevents us from being stuck in the past.
• Apology opens the door to forgiveness
by allowing us to have empathy for the wrongdoer.
Apology Benefits the Receiver and the Giver
• The debilitating effects of the remorse
and shame we may feel when we've hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally and physically ill. By
apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing self-reproach and guilt.
• Apology has the power to humble even
the most arrogant. When we develop the courage to admit we are wrong and work past our resistance to apologizing, we develop
a deep sense of self-respect.
• Apologizing helps us remain emotionally
connected to our friends and loved ones. Knowing we have wronged someone may cause us to distance ourselves from the person,
but once we have apologized we feel freer to be vulnerable and intimate.
• And there is another little-talked-about
benefit: Since apologizing usually causes us to feel humiliated, it can also act as a deterrent, reminding us to not repeat
The Connection Between Apology
To forgive, most people need to gain some empathy
and compassion for the wrongdoer. This is where apology comes in. When someone apologizes, it is a lot easier to view him
or her in a compassionate way. Research shows that when wrongdoers apologize, we find it easier to forgive them.
This is likely because when someone confesses
to and apologizes for hurting us, we are then able to develop a new image of that person. Instead of seeing him through anger
and bitterness, the person's humility and apology cause us to see him as a fallible, vulnerable human being. We see the wrongdoer
as more human, more like ourselves and this moves us.
Michael E. McCullough, Ph.D., Steven J. Sandage,
M.S., and Everett L. Worthington Jr., Ph.D., examined whether the effect of apology on our capacity to forgive is due to our
increased empathy toward an apologetic offender. They discovered that much of why people find it easy to forgive an apologetic
wrongdoer is that apology and confession increase empathy, which heightens the ability to forgive.
McCullough, who is the director of research
at the privately funded National Institute for Healthcare Research in Rockville, Maryland, believes that apology encourages
forgiveness by eliciting sympathy. He and his colleagues published research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
that supports this hypothesis.
The first study, of 131 female and 108 male
college students, looked at whether people who forgave are more conciliatory toward, and less avoidant of, their offender.
Participants filled out questionnaires describing an event in which someone had hurt them, how they were hurt, how wrong they
felt the offender was and the extent to which the offender apologized.
McCullough and his colleagues then measured
the degree of empathy participants felt toward the offending person, the degree to which they'd forgiven the offender, the
degree to which participants had tried to reconcile with the offender and the degree to which participants avoided the offender.
The data supported the hypothesis that an apology
leads to empathy and empathy mediates forgiveness.
Intention and Attitude
There are also two important underlying aspects
of an apology-intention and attitude. These are communicated nonverbally to the person to whom you are apologizing. If your
apology does not come sincerely, it will not feel meaningful to the other person.
For the person you have wronged to feel this
sincerity, the desire to apologize must come from within. You should never attempt an apology because someone else tells you
it is the right thing to do, because the other person is expecting it or because it will get you what you want. Apologies
that are used as manipulations or mere social gestures will come across as empty and meaningless.
Apology, when sincere and intentional, is a
powerful, perhaps even life-altering, tool for both the giver and the receiver.
Apology has indeed changed my life. My mother
lived only three more years. But because she was able to offer an apology, and because I was able to accept her apology, we
were closer in those three years than we had ever been. Our time together was extremely healing for both of us.
How to Give a Meaningful Apology
If you have difficulties apologizing, the following
will teach you the most effective way to go about it. A meaningful apology communicates the three R's: regret, responsibility
and remedy. Regret
A statement of regret for having caused the
hurt or damage
While your intention may not have been to cause
harm, you recognize that your action or inaction nevertheless did hurt this person. This regret needs to be communicated.
This includes an expression of empathy with an acknowledgement of the injustice you caused.
An acceptance of responsibility
for your actions
This means not blaming anyone else and not making
excuses for what you did. For an apology to be effective it must be clear that you are accepting total responsibility for
your action or inaction. Therefore, your apology needs to include a statement of responsibility. Remedy
A statement of willingness to
remedy the situation
While you can't undo the past, you can repair
the harm you caused. Therefore, a meaningful apology needs to include a statement in which you offer restitution, or a promise
to take action so that you will not repeat the behavior.
Unless all three of these elements are present,
the other person will sense that something is missing in your apology and he or she may feel shortchanged.
Adapted with permission of the
publisher, John Wiley & Sons, from The Power of Apology, by Beverly Engel. By: Beverly Engel
Originally published by Psychology Today:August
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Have you ever asked a child for the answer to an adult
problem? You may be amazed at their answer because, in their simplicity, they speak from their hearts.
We look around for solutions to our problems because
our intelligence tells us there has to be a complicated and profound solution to the situation
We all start out as children ...
Hopefully, we grow up in the right settings ... playing
with our toys, looking at the world with wonder. Everything is a Big Event. The baggage of life that we carry at this stage,
in most cases, is fairly empty. But, buried down in the genetic memory, waiting for the right environment, the right moment,
are the patterns, the memories of our ancestors and the whole history of who we already are.
Some of these memories are awakened during the time
we spend in mother's womb .. others before we turn 2 years old. By the time we turn 7, the patterns of a lifetime are set
.. unless ..
As we progress on through adolescence, each year the weight of that baggage increases. As children, our
main concern was survival, being accepted, nurtured, loved by our parents and trying to find a place where we fitted into
the family structure. In adolescence and teenage years we started to form additional relationships and friendships outside
With the masks comes the forgetting
Each time we did so, we put on another mask, another
layer. We added another program to our "response routine". But the old programs were still there .. and there were conflicts.
brings with it the roles of being a parent, a spouse, and a breadwinner, each day putting on more and more masks. Each day
adding to the luggage of life which we carry around on our shoulders. If all goes well, there's no problem. But, it isn't
surprising how easily we can get bogged down.
Playing different roles in life can get real tiring.
It's no wonder that as we get older there feels like
there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all that we need (or want) to do. Our days of childhood feel like a glistening
memory when we felt we could handle it all.
But then, in childhood, we only had one program which didn't have the limitations
of the "if > then > jump" routine. The "keywords had not been disciplined into us as self limitations.
hard to understand that as we get older we feel we are starting to forget things. These become (or are deliberately consigned
to) the unconscious mind, deep into those parts of the body (those parts of our whole person) that are not "safe" to accept
(or in some company, not safe to even acknowledge!)
Well, it's no wonder because, for many of us our minds are now
having to handle at least three times the amount of information as before.
We're not "losing our minds," we're just
very busy people who are trying to meet all of the needs, wants and expectations of those other people whom we have sought
our approval status (the measure of our self esteem) from. Hey, what happened to all the leisure time we were supposed to
have... the four day work week? Some do.... not many.
Making life easier
So how can we make things a little easier?
don't punish yourself for feeling overwhelmed. (who is it that feels overwhelmed?)
Second, work on accepting yourself
just the way you are at this moment. (If no body else can accept you just the way you are, is that any reason to make their
problem your problem?)
Third, try to let go and cast off some of the clutter that has accumulated over the years. In
other words .. look at the programs and routines that have slowed up the system.
We tend to think, in society, that
the more that we accumulate, the happier we will be. But what's not mentioned is that with each accumulation comes responsibilities
that sometimes we may not care to handle. It's easier to ride a bike then to haul a heavy load.
So why simplicity?
Because the simpler we make our lives, the happier
and more free we are. If all we had to do was concentrate on what really is important, things would make more sense.
each of us, it may involve different solutions, but you know what I mean. Everything doesn't have to become a big deal....
not everything is life-threatening... no, we won't die if we don't do it in five minutes.... different things have different
priorities. They are not all equal.
We look around for solutions to our problems under every rock, and in every nook
and cranny, because our intelligence tells us there has to be a complicated and profound solution to the situation. Have you
ever asked a child for the answer to an adult problem? You will be amazed at their answer. They speak from their hearts.
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How to Deal with Heart Break in Relationships
by Tyrone Warner
Nothing is worse than someone breaking your heart.
To need somebody so badly and then to have to let them go is hard. And as we grow older, the more people break our hearts,
the worse it can feel each time.
Broken hearts are depressing, embarrasing and difficult.
Fortunately, heartbreak doesn't last forever.
Let yourself let go
In dealing with a broken heart, the first thing is
to let go completely. If it was not meant to be, then just let them go, and trust that someone better is going to come along.
If we go back to that person who broke our hearts, they will see us as nothing more than defeated, and we would risk embarassment.
A good way to just let go is to resist the urge to return, and simply avoid calling them on the phone, emailing or contacting
Feel your heart
It's okay to feel bad. Take some time to feel bad.
Take a walk by yourself, or listen to some sad music. There is value to every feeling, as every feeling teaches us something
new about ourselves. Just as we savour being happy, we can savour being sad, knowing that the feeling won't stay with us forever.
As the sun can't shine everyday, it can't rain everyday either.
Go and let it out
Talk to somebody about it. A close friend will let
you vent all of your anger and frustration and will console you afterwards. If you keep all your anger and sadness inside,
you might end up pitying yourself, and you could miss out on building deeper relationships with your friends.
Wait it out
Last of all, I want to share with you a short
phrase that has always helped me in my times of grief, and that is 'time eases pain.' As time goes on we know 'today' will
slip from us and move further and further away into the 'past.' And as each day passes by, the hurt will go away, little by
little, until we don't even remember the pain at all.
Keep your eyes forward
The future is rushing towards us faster than we can
comprehend, and if we keep our heads turned backwards, looking at the past, we will miss seeing everything that the future
is bringing to us.
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Relationship break up management
Since relationships have been broken, one might be
tempted to hold his/her way of disenchantment and vengeance. Getting over a break up with dignity is the only outlet to relationship
rescue from "heartbreak hotel".
Filled with love and hatred, one would better resort
to relationship help of dealing both with self-torture and spiritual egotism. The essence of relationship break up management
is individual's ability to forgive and to forget. Relationship help methods appeal to comprehension of mistakes made and admission
of love lost.
Above all one needs to bring order to his/her life
literally and psychologically. If it were not for relationship management help, one would fight a losing battle for afterglow
phantom. Avoid getting bogged down in love fever, even though he/she used to be the love of your life.
Guided by relationship break up management rules, one
ought to abandon his/her fancy dreams of your partner crawling up with the tail between the legs. Get rid of gifts, photos
and everything that keeps you on the alert by reminding the good old times. The principle "out of sight, out of mind" –
is the ace of trumps in relationship rescue.
Affording yourself to give vent to your sorrow, tell
your friends for the hundredth time about his admiring your smile. Afterwards, apply for relationship help therapy of refreshing
in mind the most unpleasant moments and irritating deeds of your partner. Having reached your aim, you'd be perplexed by the
image of paltry individual you've been in love with. Neither love story, nor romance relationship is to last forever, although
it's a precious experience of relationship management to derive benefit from.
One shouldn't leave it out of account that anger is
direct opposite to love. Therefore he/she would rather concentrate his/her attention on someone worth notice in order to cope
with feelings, ringing the relationship management bell.
While making an attempt to take revenge, one provokes
raising his/her back against mental progress and stagnating of relationship break up management.. Reveling in insidious plan
to spoil his/her life, one reopens old scores and impedes recovery process. Uncovered openly hostile actions just adulate
your offender as they are counted for a sign of feelings, saved in your heart.
Obsessed by lust for revenge, remember that happy life
of yours is the best vengeance to your ex-lover. Direct energies at finding, learning and loving yourself. Strike up a new
romance and devote yourself to any activity or interest so that you've cleaned up your mind. Get up, brush your teeth, watch
romantic movie, smile and forgive your ex for cold-hearted "good bye".
In course of time ask yourself whether relationship
help strategy has approved itself. Suppose you answers to the statements below were positive as a whole, you would celebrate
victory of relationship management efficiency.
1)You are not going to cry your eyes out over the sounds of you might-have-been
2) You are not comparing a new friend with your ex-love on a blind date.
3) You feel like spending evening
all alone at home.
4) Your ex-partner is not the first to know about your salary increase.
5) A thought of him scarcely
crosses your mind.
6) You have lost that pleasant sensation of his/her fingers, touching your skin
Congratulations!~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
By Justin Meyer
It is a fact of life that sometimes things will not go as planned. Small
things can go wrong in life, and inevitably, small and large things will happen. You might not get a job that you wanted.
Maybe you've lost something that you wanted. How do you deal with the disappointment in life, how do you accept the problems
that are arising? What steps can you take to make sure that when things happen that you don't like, that you are able to step
back and accept what happens.
The best way to do this is to move on. Find something
immediate that you can do, that can take your mind off of what is happening. In the long run, however, you need to be able
to address the issue. Disappointments do happen. You can get rejected without it being the end of the world. Something can
go missing, but you will find it. Not many things can actually run away. Beyond that, it is important to look at the big picture.
When something happens that doesn't go your way, move on. If you don't get a job, start looking for another one. If you can't
get the girl, then move on and ask someone else out. These aren't easy things to do, but they are essential.
If you can keep moving forward, then you can accept
that things might not be going your way but things can get better. Disappointment happens but it is a temporary condition.
Turning things positive will be a benefit in both the short and long run.
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SIX WAYS TO LET GO OF EMOTIONAL TURBULENCE
DON'T SUPPRESS. Letting go of your emotions doesn't mean
to avoid feeling them or suppressing them. Suppressing your
can be harmful to your health, resulting in a
myriad of physical ailments including heart disease, strokes and ulcers.
Instead of suppressing your emotions, become unattached to them. How?
2.CAUSE YOUR UPSET. One of the most effective
found to become unattached to an upset is to actually
'cause' it. Having something happen that results in
automatically being upset is different from recognizing the
upset and causing it in a responsible manner. You may
it's actually quite difficult to stay upset when you're
causing it rather than simply being at the effect of it,
and it can help you move through it and reach detachment sooner.
3. WRITE IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. For many people writing
their emotional upsets can be a great way to dissipate the energy. The best way to write about your emotions is to not think
about writing but simply write. Pour it all out on the paper. Let the words flow directly from your heart to your fingers
without detouring through your brain first.
4. WHAT REALLY HAPPENED? Once you've unattached yourself
from the angst
of your emotions, you are better able to deal with what really happened. As Detective Friday used to say in Dragnet, "Just
the facts." What happened is almost always different from what you reacted to. What caused the reaction was what you made
up about what happened. Someone saying,"We're cutting your bonus 50%," is different from "My jerk of a boss is stingy and
uncaring and let me tell you what he did recently that proves it." Few people in life deal with what's really happening --
only the most effective ones.
5. GET THAT WE LIVE IN A 'NO ACCIDENT' UNIVERSE. Since we're designed to make meaning
out of everything, why not make up some new meaning about what happened that will empower life? Notice I said empowers life,
not 'empowers you.' Of course, you're part of life so you're included but look beyond yourself. What meaning could you attribute
to the situation that will empower everyone involved? One great place to look is what's the hidden lesson the Universe is
trying to teach you. If you've just gone through a huge upset, chances are that you've been offered the lesson many other
times. Isn't it time to learn it so you can move on?
6. CELEBRATE. That's right, whenever you move through an
no matter how large or small, celebrate the expansion and growth you've made. As Chin-Ning Chu says, "Rejoice and celebrate
each time your heart is broken. Only when your heart is broken can the light enter."
This week, try out this
simple and effective six-step
approach on one of your upsets and see if you don't become
much more effective at dealing
with your life. The more you
practice it, the faster you'll be able to authentically move through the emotional turbulence
of life and stay on track to living purposefully.
Written by Brad Swift
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Time to grieve
Note: While we've addressed this article to women,
the advice applies equally to men.
He's dumped you. What advice is on offer here? Pick
yourself up? Get over it? Life moves on? Well, it does, in the end. You will – but that won't happen straight away.
There's more than a little unhappiness to get through first. Rule one: don't be ashamed of admitting that and letting it happen.
It can be much as it is when someone close to you dies.
You feel – nothing, shock, disbelief, at a weird, observable distance from what you thought was reality. Then it starts
to hit. There's the abyss, and the tears come. Rage – and, in broken relationships, the mortifying feeling of having
been rejected. Then it settles and there is grief. Then there is healing.
There's some room for immediate rationalisation, words
and half-baked thoughts which will cover it up a little and shelter you from the worst extremities of loss. 'Oh well, we had
our time.' 'It was hurting me anyway.' 'Now I can get on with my life.' 'Better that it happened now, I suppose, rather than
later.' Some room. You can keep the words running across the surface of your deepest feelings while you readjust. It's perhaps
best not to try to take on everything straight away. Go little by little, then we stay sane.
Ultimately, though, there comes the time to exist awhile
in the space where there are no words. That's one of the problems here: there really are no words. That's one of the things
that hurts so much. It is exactly as if a part of you has been taken away. You can't confront it or demand yet more explanations
– scream at it: why, why, why – because it's not there. The warm, glowing centre of life has suddenly, unaccountably
vanished. Even your tears don't manage to capture it, to get it back.
It's important you give yourself time to feel
small. So you're big and happy and liberated - modern - right? Don't be afraid to let that projected self-image crumple a
little while you reconstruct. You need to go through the process of grieving. Don't think that you shouldn't be feeling what
you do. It doesn't make you weak or less of a person. It just means you're human.
Believe this: once you accept the reality and let yourself
cry it will soon be over. It won't hurt that much again. You will return to it occasionally – healing takes time –
but the worst will have passed. You don't want it to pass? That too is natural. It is natural to hold onto grief as the confirmation
of the reality of that person and that relationship – as the proof that it was real and really meant something. And
that need too will pass.Curl up, find
some time to sit there on your own, licking your wounds. Then one day you'll wake up and discover you've come back to life.
You'll start looking around again, noticing other people again. How pretty the world looks! It will become time to treat yourself,
take yourself shopping, have a day at a health spa… Enjoying life. You might even feel a little foolish for the way
you let yourself get so worked up about that tosser! At that point, play the field and enjoy being single. Pretty soon you'll
be considering new relationship-material possibilities and letting your emotional doors swing wide open. It'll be time to
think: 'Have I learnt nothing!' Then just going along with it, up for the ride.
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Five steps for 30 days and see an AMAZING major
change in your life.
Follow these five steps for 30 days and see an
AMAZING major change
in your life.
1. Cut off all contact with "downer" people in your life.
You become like who
you associate with....and you are
not able to carry negative friends at this time.
Find new optimistic "enthused about life" people who will lift you up from the doldrums and help you become
full of enthusiasm about joining them in a new life.
2. Stop focusing on whats bad or not working.
What you concentrate on grows. Focus your thought and
efforts instead on what IS working, and what is going better and right in your life.
You'll start getting more of whatever you think
about all day long.
3. Stop listening to sad songs or stations programmed with downers.
Turn your TV off for six months and stop watching news programs.
You have enough downers input of your own.
Avoid the media for six month because it does nothing for you except input to you "whats not working in the world."
The commercials even remind you of whats "wrong" with you.
4. You feed your stomach daily, now start feeding your mind daily.
Reading books or reading here online, listen
to audio tapes on personal development, and you will in a short time become a "growing" better person.
This daily input will outweigh,
after a short time the "negative" things that have happened in your life.
You will make better decisions and soon regain "control of your life."
Read one article a day on this site, then listen to an inspirational audio tape a day
and you'll quickly rise
above what previously seemed like insurmountable problems.
You'll also counter-act nearly all of the negative
programming associated with your divorce.
5. Reprogram your
First you have been changing input by getting positive
friends eliminating the harmful messages from the people around you,
You have shut off the negative media and now have
a controlled program of what you are daily reading on this site, books on the subject and listening to. audio books.
Now we need to look at and update programming you've "learned" from your parents, teachers and peers
that may have been appropriate at the time but is now obsolete.
Your programming system of beliefs and life guiding decisions have led to habits you've had for years and years.
It will take serious efforts on your part to counteract
and/or update this old programming.
These steps mentioned above were important starters, drop contact with negative friends, replace with new "uppers"
Shut off negative songs, radio and shut off the TV for
Replace them with
informational and inspirational books and daily posative reading here on our sites and others on the net,
Rent or borrow from the library inspirational
and personal development audio tapes and listen daily
to them while doing housework, driving etc.
Become super critical of what you hear yourself saying: learn
what words to use to program yourself positively and what words should be eliminated from your vocabulary.
Follow these 5 rules and steps for 30 days and
your life will turn around with amazing improvements that will astonish you.
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NOTE: These principals also apply to other situations that cause us a painful loss. PDPJ
Many changes occur during our lives that can create a sense
of loss. Death of a loved one, changes in relationships, health or job-related changes can result in feelings of loss and
grief. We can cope with these feelings by understanding the grief process and getting support from others. Waves of grief
eventually subside and we can once again feel hope and reinvest in the future. Everybody experi-
ences grief in their own way and in their own time. Many
feelings occur during the grief process and are a part of the natural healing response. They include:
Sadness… the most common feeling...
Anger… frequently experienced after a
loss...can be one of the most confusing feelings during the grieving process. Anger comes from frustration that there was
nothing one could do to prevent the death or loss. Feeling helpless, anxious and unable to exist without the person can lead
to anger. It is important to identify these feelings, which are a normal part of the grieving process, and avoid direct-
ing the anger at someone else or turning the anger inward
at one's self.
Guilt … common experiences of survivors:
Examples include feelings of guilt over not being kind enough, not taking the person to the hospital sooner, not visiting
or doing enough……Guilt usually occurs over something that occurred recently around the time of death or loss.
… can range from a sense of insecurity to panic. Survivors may fear they will not be able to take care of themselves
or others. Anxiety can heightened one's own mortality.
Loneliness…a feeling frequently expressed
by survivors, particularly those who
have lost a spouse and who felt a close day-by-day relationship.
Fatigue… feeling tired or apathetic, lacking
energy to do normal, routine activities.
Helplessness… similar to anxiety...frequently
present in the early stage of a loss.
Shock… occurs most often in the case of
sudden death or loss, but sometimes when the death follows a progressive, deteriorating illness and is expected.
Relief… many people feel relief after
the death of a loved one, particularly if
the loved one suffered a lengthy or particularly painful
Numbness… often experienced early in the
grieving process, usually right
after death. Numbness is a protection from the flood of overwhelming
Physical Sensations ….hollowness
in the stomach, tightness in the chest or throat, over-sensitivity to noise, breathlessness, feeling short of breath, weakness
in the muscles ,lack of energy, dry mouth.
For more information contact the Consultation & Education
Department of the Alamance-Caswell Area Mental Health, Devel-
opmental Disabilities and Substance Abuse Authority at (336)
513-4200. For 24-Hour Crisis Services call
513-4444 in Alamance County and toll-free 1-888-513-1444 in Caswell County and
……Providing comprehensive, quality education,
prevention, treatment and rehabilitative
services to citizens of Alamance and Caswell Counties
On the Journey of Grief
There is no right or wrong way to experience grief
or to make this journey. Allow yourself to experience grief in your way - and allow others to do the same.
* Talking about the loved one, remembering
good times and bad times, can be very comforting. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not morbid to remember.
* Looking at pictures, movies or listening to music
that reminds you the loved one may be emotionally painful and yet comforting.
* Tears are not a sign of weakness, but an expression
Be aware of the "stops" along the journey. Most
of us do not move through each phase in a linear fashion. Nor do we stay at each stop for the same number of days.
* Your journey will depend on your experience with
the loved one, preparedness for the death, and the other travelers and places you experience along
* There is no definitive end to the journey nor
a certain length of time for the journey.
* Don't let others tell you when it is time to "to
be over it."
Don't make any major life changes without thinking
through the consequences. It may be a good idea to talk over your plans with your minister, counselor, lawyer, accountant
or a trusted friend - particularly if the plans involve large sums of money or property. Reinvestment in your
new life means "letting go" of a loved one. This is not the same as for-
getting. Letting go is about creating a new relationship
with your loved one without a physical presence. Once the love you feel for the deceased is secure in your heart, soul
and mind you can experience renewed energy for creating a new life.
* If you are having trouble "letting go" make sure
you are not idealizing the loved one. It is hard to create a relationship with a saint.
* This activity may help: Write down no more then
10 qualities or characteristics you loved, admired and respected about the loved one on one
side of a sheet of paper. Then list up to 10 qualities or characteristics you disliked, did not admire or respect
about the loved one. This will help you create a realistic image of the person. When you start to focus on all the good qualities - pull out your list and remind yourself
that the loved one was a real person.
Adapted from "Taking the Time You Need to Grieve Your
One Caring Place, Abbey Press, St. Meinrad, IN 47577
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By Peter Shepherd
When painful events happen in life, such as losing
a job, breakdown of a relationship, illness or when one fails at an important task, this is naturally distressing. Like the
pain we feel when we fall to the ground, it is a reality of life that we need to accept, then pick ourselves up and continue
a little wiser.
Because of the pain, we may be tempted to avoid the
reality of life through resistance and denial. Something bad happens, and we look the other way. We pretend that we don't
have a problem when we do - "It's not my problem the sales figures have collapsed," "I'm not upset she's left, good riddance."
But the problem doesn't just go away, and neither do our suppressed feelings - they build up and fester inside, causing anxiety,
tension, depression, and a host of stress-related problems. The emotional energy these suppressed feelings create eventually
drives you to behave in ways you don't like or understand, and which you cannot control.
Another way of avoiding reality is through exaggeration.
This is when you make the situation out to be worse than it is, to justify your resistance. Whenever anything mildly unpleasant
happens, you start imagining all the bad possibilities of what may go wrong, as if they were real and already happening. So
of course you cannot face up to this and you 'blow up' or lose your temper to relieve the pressure of the accumulated emotions.
This can feel good because it puts the feeling into action - but it doesn't change the reality of the situation that you are
still not confronting.
A third common way to cope with feelings is by attempting
to avoid the issue altogether by attending instead to distractions - by talking, watching TV, eating, smoking, drinking, taking
drugs, having sex, etc. But despite our attempts to escape them, the real issue and our feelings about it are still there
- and still take their toll in the form of stress.
But there is another option for handling a feeling
- you can focus on it, fully experience it, and then let go of it: release it, discharge it, as we described in lesson 10.
Release requires acceptance; acceptance occurs when we no longer resist - no longer look at things in terms of black and white,
no longer judge. When we tap into our capacity for unconditional love, including love for ourselves.
Whenever you are experiencing any kind of discomfort,
you are resisting the fact that some person, situation, or thing is the way it is. You may be doing so unconsciously and automatically,
but nonetheless, all suffering, all discomfort, all pain, comes from not allowing what is to be what it is. If you could be
totally nonresistant to what is, life would flow easily and happily, without discomfort, no matter what the external circumstances.
This does not mean you can't take action in order to
make things different. It just means that when faced with something that is the way it is, and cannot be changed, you do not,
as a result, suffer over it.
Do what you can to create what you want, but don't
become attached to the outcome; that way your level of well-being can remain the same, regardless of the outcome. Your happiness
comes from inside, not from what does or does not happen around you.
When you want to change yourself or help others to
change, you need to gather information, the noticeable parts of a problem, the symptoms one is uncomfortable with. This is
the present state.
There will also be a desired state: an outcome that
is the goal of change. There will be the resources that will help to achieve this outcome and also side effects to reaching
it, for oneself and others. There will of course be the barriers and difficulties. But if it is a worrisome problem and not
simply an interesting challenge, there will also be underlying reasons that create it as a problem: what does the person keep
having to do that maintains the problem, and why? What is not being faced up to? These causes are inevitably to do with resistance,
the denial or exaggeration of a reality, and the suppression of accompanying emotions.
The element of conflict is intrinsic to problems and
the trick of solving them is to be able to spot the counter element to one's own intention, and to recognize that one does
indeed have a causative contribution to the situation, otherwise it would not be intention versus counter-intention - a problem!
The 'solution' to the problem is simply a realization of the structure of the problem itself. To accept and no longer resist
the honest truth of the reality of the situation. To recognize the denial or exaggeration that has been going on, and the
emotional attachment to an outcome. The emotional charge or confusion of the problem will then drop away, and appropriate
actions may be taken.
The amount a person suffers in their life is directly
related to how much they are resisting the fact that "things are the way they are," because they are not as they are "supposed
to be." Attachment to things being different than they are needs to be "upgraded" to a preference. This means that when "what
is" is not what you want, you do not suffer over it (get angry, sad, fearful, anxious, and so on), and your happiness and
peace are therefore not controlled by forces outside of your control. You then have the clarity needed to much better be able
to actually improve the situation.
As you go about your day, notice when
you are feeling resistance or feel that what is happening is not acceptable to you. Then switch your viewpoint to: "I'd prefer
it to be different but I can accept this as a starting point, really it's OK." See what you learn about yourself and if it
actually empowers you to be both happier and more effective.
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tips For a Faster Recovery
Start a personal journal about your journey from heartbreak to 'better-than-ever'. I know one man who kept a record of his
postings on our break up board, starting from his devastating beginning days, to his healed and in love again days, and then
turned them into an awesome book of self-discovery and hope.
2. Get all your hurt, pain, frustration,
anger, love - whatever emotions you need to release - out. Place an empty chair in front of you and imagine it to be
your ex (it may help to place a picture of your ex on the chair). Talk to him/her, telling them all the pain you
feel, all the resentment you harbor, or the hurt feelings, emptiness, loneliness. All the love you have for them. Get it all
out! Yell, blame, cry, beg, whatever feels good at the time.
3. Take an evening course. For example:
art, writing, computer, or graphic arts.
4. Take a walk. I started walking about
4 weeks into my break up because I thought I was going to go nuts! I can honestly say that, not only did I walk the break
up off, I also walked off about 10 unwanted pounds, got beautiful legs, sun-streaked hair, and a great tan!
5. Make your own break up music tape.
Do Not include any songs that remind you of your ex! And, try to record only insightful music (not
just sappy, sad stuff!). Such as Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive". Here are some song suggestions:
bonnie raitt- give it up or let me go
dixie chicks- you were mine
destiny's child- bug a boo
cher- strong enough
allure- all cried out
whitney houston- it's not right but it's
monica- ring da bell
tlc- no scrubs
sarah mclachlan- circles
no doubt- end it on this
mariah carey- i don't wanna cry
madonna- the power of goodbye
shania twain - that don't impress me much
sheryl crow- anything but down
whitney houston- heartbreak hotel
all saints- never ever
ben folds five- song for the dumped
brandy- almost doesn't count
mya- if you died i wouldn't cry cause you
never loved me anyway
mya- movin on
en vogue-too gone, too long
alanis morrisette-you oughta know
dixie chicks-let 'er rip
mary chapin carpenter- the last word
fleetwood mac-go your own way
fleetwood mac-i don't want to know
6. Try something different that you haven't
experienced before. Parasailing, meditation, yoga, acupuncture, lectures, etc. Read some new-age philosopher's books and writings.
7. Write down all your different dreams
of the future that you had planned around you and your ex being together. Use a separate piece of paper for each dream.
Example: our dream home in Colorado, our vacation to the Bahamas next Spring, children, etc. Individually burn each one
by throwing them into a fireplace or a fire pit.
8. Cry! Cry hard and long. Now stop, wait
five minutes, and then cry again!
9. Set aside a certain amount of time each
day that you will allow yourself to grieve - and nothing else but grieve. It is a funny thing, but when you try to grieve
- and only grieve - you'll find that you don't really feel all that full of grief. It's when you try not to
grieve, or when you allow other things to happen while you grieve (phone calls, television, smoking, eating) that you believe
your grief consumes you.
10. Seek counselling or therapy to help
you get in touch with your inner feelings.
11. If you're angry try to release it in
a non-destructive way. Example: pound your pillow, go for a jog, or workout at the gym. To stop anger try to understand what
exactly it is that you are angry about and try to understand the motives of the person that angered you, or the reasons
behind the event that angered you. Anger usually is simply fear of losing control over a situation, event, or even yourself.
12. Start a project. Example: Remodel your
bathroom, grow a garden, or get in better shape.
13. Give yourself a hug! God made our arms
long enough so that we may embrace ourselves. Try it - nobody's looking. :) ...and it feels soooo good!
14. To help you sleep keep a fantasy list
close to your bedside. A 'fantasy list' is a list of things that you dream about. For instance; planting a garden, winning
the lotto, building a home. Each night before you close your eyes pick one fantasy from the list. Now close your eyes
and think about what you would do if your fantasy came true. Don't just 'think' about it, plan it out detail-by-detail ...
see the dream unfold piece-by-piece. Example: if you were to plant a dream garden what would you have in it? What kind of
flowers, what colors? What vegetables and herbs? Would you have decorations or garden ornaments? A koi pond? Bird house or
birdbath? Perhaps a nature walk or cobble-stoned pathway? A resting bench? A fountain?
15. Pamper yourself. Get a massage, or a
makeover. Buy new shoes, or change your entire wardrobe. Don't feel guilty - you've just been through hell, and honey, you
deserve some pampering - so spoil yourself silly!
16. If you and your ex hung around with
the same crowd, it's time to make new friends! Join church groups, hiking/biking clubs, singles groups, or even tournaments and
sports leagues. Take dance lessons. Join committees. Look up old friends that you have lost touch with, or volunteer your
services or help somewhere if you have spare time to give.
17. I've heard this great suggestion for
when you are stuck 'obsessing' about your ex. What you are supposed to do (and I've tried this - it works!) is either inside
or outdoors, sitting or walking, start counting every single thing you see. For instance sitting at your desk you might do
something like this:
Keep counting without stopping until you
feel you are done. This may be at 10, or even 200. Then your supposed to focus your attention again at the objects around
you, only this time instead of counting, you are making a comment to that thing, Example: "Pen, You just sit there until I
put action to you. I wonder how many words you have written, how many stories you could tell." "Coffee cup, you are plain
and unattractive. A dull eggshell color." Keep this up until you feel you are finished and refocused.
The object of this is to re-focus your attention
outward to the objects around you, and by forcing your attention outward you stop your thoughts from being stuck inward'.
19. Build your own sanctuary or respite.
This can be a place in your garden, a spare room, or even your porch. Place some special plants and flowers, figurines, or
statues around. Decorate it in a calm, soothing color scheme. Add a soft-flowing fountain, or background music of nature
tapes. Go there to re-connect with your inner spiritual self.
20. Start a self-improvement program. You
can change things about yourself you don't like, and you can learn to understand and like things about yourself that
you didn't before. Inner-reflection and awareness is very peaceful.
21. Check out support forums here for those
going through break up grief.
22. Fall in love with yourself. Take yourself
to a movie, or a lunch at a quaint little sidewalk cafe. Go on a short road trip, and pack along an awesome picnic basket.
Grab a blanket and good book and make a day of it. Fly a kite!
23. Go through every inch of your home and
pack up anything that reminds you of your ex. This includes pictures, gifts, or even their belongings. For each item you remove
replace it with a plant or flowers! Rearrange your furniture and reclaim your house. Remodel, redecorate. Renew!
24. Buy a puppy, kitten, bird - or even
a horse! Set up an awesome aquarium, or terrarium. Yes - you can buy love!
25. Invite friends over for a sleep-over!
No - you're never too old for a sleep-over! Rent some awesome movies, buy some sinful snacks, get some good board games.
26. Change is good. If you have found that during
the course of your relationship you got stuck in a rut, now is the time to wake up and revamp yourself. Change your car,
buy a new sportier or racier one - or trade in your trusted old Betsy for a Harley. Go back to school. Throw away your polyester
slacks and buy some slinky black leather pants. Change your hair color or get a new do. The world is yours, honey - it's
your time now so be all that you can be.
27. Get out and enjoy life. Join a bowling
league, pool tournament, or volleyball group.
28. Write. Start a book, a journal, a collection
of poems, or even your favorite recipes.
29. Write your ex a letter. Say whatever
you want, how ever you feel. Blame, moan, confess your love. Express forgiveness. Whatever. It is your letter, do with it
as you like. When you are all finished, rip it up!
30. Profit from your break up. Design a
new series of 'break up' greeting cards, or design a line of t-shirts with funny 'break up-lines' on them. Other ideas for
merchandising might be purses, beach towels, book/page markers, bumper stickers, mouse pads, coffee cups, and even answering-machine
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Stages of Healing
is a very personal thing. You can not explain it. Grief is an emotion, and like the essence of a rose, emotions are indescribable
in words. Every grief is different. The way you grieve may be entirely different than the way I grieve, yet both of us will
probably share many of the same grief symptoms: Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, guilt pain, loss, blame,
emptiness, and depression.
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation. At first, we tend
to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our friends, family, co-workers, and social contacts. This stage may
last anywhere from a few minutes to months, depending on each individuals grieving style.
2. Anger. After the reality sets in you
might become very angry, even furious with your ex. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned or a man rejected. Most
of us , too, will become angry with ourselves for even letting the event take place, right up to the point of blaming
ourself for the entire breakup. We inevitably go through the "if I only's" and the "I should have or shouldn't have done this
3. Bargaining. This is where we start to
make bargains with God; beg with our exes to take us back; and try to turn friends, co-workers, and family members into co-conspirators
on our obsessive quest to gain this person back. We call our exes with invented tragedies, or emergencies, just to make contact
; we try to 'accidentally' run into them somewhere where we know they might be; we decide we immediately need to retrieve
that old sweater we left in their apartment...all in hopes that...well, you know! And if we do manage to get their attention,
if only for those 'accidental' few minutes, we immediately lose all self-respect and start begging or crying, "If I do this
or don't do that, will you please, please take me back?" Yep..it is at this time that we become unattractive & desperate beggars,
pleading with our exes to please (please..PLEASE) take us back and give us another chance. This is the blind stage where we
tend to take the blame, mistakenly believing that "we" did something wrong and another chance will miraculously cure the problem.
All we manage to do is strip ourselves of our pride, self-respect, and dignity, leaving us to feel humiliated and rejected...oh, argh!
4. Depression. We start to feel numb and
turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade
ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans
with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the
cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5.
5. Acceptance. Finally it's over! The anger
has passed, the sadness has tapered off, the depression has lifted and we see reality and it feels great. We will survive!
Ways you can reach stage five more easily.
Stage 1. Acknowledge your grief. Denying your
feelings is harder on the body and mind than going through them. Wallow in them if you want, wail out loud, punch your pillow,
cry to your mother, write sad poems, let your heart mourn....it's your grief and it's very real. Allowing grief to surface
is the only way to let it go. Without this difficult stage we could never move pass the loss. Don't feel pressured to hide
or deny your emotions, but to accept them for what they are.
Stage 2. Allow your anger but resist the
temptation to place blame. Stage two is usually short-lived. A healthy lifestyle will be most beneficial in getting you through
this stage. Grieving and stress usually pass more quickly with good self-care habits, eating balanced diets, plenty of fluids,
exercise, and adequate rest. When you start to feel 'self-blaming' then pamper yourself with a bath, rent your favorite movie,
go for a hike or bike ride, buy a new puppy, tour your local museum, or visit your family or close friends. Taking special
care of yourself re-establishes your self-value and worth. When you pamper yourself you again feel good about yourself and
the need to place blame disappears.
Note: Our emotions always run their highest
in the late evenings. I have no idea why! I read just today to keep a calendar by your bed and for each day fill in a different
thought, it can be anything. Such as one day the thought would be about growing a flower/vegetable garden and what kinds of
plants you would plant, the next what you would buy your mother if you suddenly won a million dollars...things like that.
Then at night, before you go to bed, look at your calendar and that is the thought you are to have when you close your eyes.
Sounds like fun even if you weren't having a difficult time!
Stage 3. Three simple steps! Intercept,
resist, and divert by redirecting. Whenever you feel that urge to give in and try to contact your ex, stop!
Intercept your thoughts, resist the temptation and divert by redirecting your interests elsewhere with
more self-gratifying activities. You will feel so much better when you walk away with your pride intact and your head held
high. Believe me, there is nothing worse then the feeling of loss of dignity. Our dignity is our self-temple. It's how we
judge ourselves as human beings. It's where we place our worth. And there's nothing better than the feeling of our own
strength as we resist the temptation and redirect ourselves to a more productive course.
Stage 4. Depression is a symptom of suppressed
emotions. If you followed my directions and allowed your feelings to surface, took good care of yourself, and did not give
in to placing blame, you should be able to slip through this stage with barely more than a one day "oh, woe is me" sigh! Stage 5. Doesn't it feel great to be out of a relationship that was
so wrong for you? As your dark clouds have now parted you should feel a beautiful, cleansed feeling. Your soul has been reawakened
and you see all the beauty that surrounds you.
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Getting over a relationship break up
Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up. However, many do not know
that no matter how long the relationship, you do not need to spend months to years reminiscing and crying about the loved
one who you've lost. Although the path to completely moving on from your past partner can only totally be cured by time, there
are many ways to speed it up and help you move on with a lighter heart.
The first and most important part of a break-up is to force yourself to let go. Even if you want to stay friends with
your past partner, now is not the time. It will only make it harder for you to interact with him/her or perhaps hear news
of his/her latest romantic interests in the time period that you are trying to get over him/her. S, no matter how much you
may want to talk to them, you need to very nicely let them know that you will need some space until you are ready to be friends
again, if you even want to stay friends. From this point on you must stop asking your friends questions about your ex, or
tell them ahead of time not to discuss him/her around you no matter how much you may persist. You must also force yourself
to stop reminding yourself of the past relationship by looking at momentos of the relationship such as old letters, pictures,
or any gifts your ex may have given you. For now, take all those and put them in a safe place, preferably one where you won't
have easy access to them until you are truly ready to look at them again without having to deal with your own aching heart.
The point here is that you can't begin to overcome the break-up if you're still holding on to the past partner or relationship.
The second step to allowing yourself
to move on is to ask yourself the reason for your pain. Avoid easy and simple answers such as you loved him/her or he/she
was a great person. Delve deeper and analyze yourself to really discover what is making you so incredibly sad. Try making
a list if his/her good and bad qualities and a list of the good and bad qualities of your relationship. For instance, are
you upset because you really miss your ex, or because you do not want to be alone? Truly understanding what you miss so much
will help you to focus your energies on exactly what you wish to overcome.
Another important step that you must maintain throughout the entire process of overcoming the break-up is to keep yourself
busy! Do not allow yourself the time to sit around and brood. Start exercising, go out with friends, take up a hobby and get
involved in it, because as long as you're not doing something, you're not helping yourself. Keeping busy is one of the most
effective ways to keep your mind off of your past relationship. So get up, get yourself out there and force yourself to start
having some fun!
Now I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one's saying move on to a serious relationship
right away, but it's time to start thinking about dating again as well! Start looking at other possible romantic interests
and try a couple of casual dates. Don't lock yourself up in your room and shun all the other possibilities that are out there
waiting for you! Besides, seeing new people will keep your mind off your ex as long as you don't start comparing them to him/her.
Stay open-minded and you should be over them much sooner than you expected!
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Dealing with the Ending of a Romantic
Norfolk State University Counseling Center 823-8173
1.Understanding that the dating relationship
2.Understanding why it ended
3.Grieving and mourning the loss
4.Directing your energies elsewhere
5.Dealing with rejection
6.Growing emotionally from the experience
1. Acceptance – understanding that the dating relationship is over
This is a difficult conclusion to
be reached. Driven by a desire to be accepted and to get other needs met, many times we hope that the person will change his/her
mind and have us back. Thus, on certain occasions we demonstrate a reluctance to end a bad
relationship. However, it is usually best to expect that the relationship is over in order to begin to heal and move
on in one's life.
Closure in the relationship might
come in an honest talk with your ex-partner where you have the opportunity to express your feelings and opinions about the
relationship. It also allows you to receive feedback from this person.
It may also be useful to write a
letter to the person where you can express your feelings uncensored and then perhaps re-write the letter until it fits the
message that you want to give. Letter writing allows you the opportunity to express your ideas without being initially
refuted by your ex-partner.
2. Understanding why it ended
I believe that we all look for meaning
in our relationships including why they went wrong. You may seek an explanation from your ex-partner; however, you must
accept that sometimes he or she can not give you one. The answers ultimately have to come from within you. Take
a step back and look at the relationship realistically and accept your role as well as your partner's in the breakup.
Asking yourself if you were truly happy in the relationship can be useful in understanding why it ended.
*** You need to avoid falling
into the "if only" and " what if" trap. This trap leads to constantly replaying in your head parts of the
relationship and imagining how things would have been if you did not behave in a certain way. Although it is important
to learn from your mistakes, it is self-defeating to get stuck in the past.
Some of the "if onlys" and "what ifs" are:
If only I would have not nagged him or her so
What if I would have showered her with more
If only I would have given him more space.
What if I would have avoided bringing up my
concerns with her?
If only I would not have been so
We can learn from our relationships,
but sometimes we may magnify our faults when we are rejected in a relationship.
3. Grieving the loss
Distinguish where various feelings
are coming from: sadness, anger, guilt, or hopelessness.
Give yourself outlets to mourn àà write in a journal, talk with a friend or family member, talk with a counselor,
take quiet walks.
4. Directing your energies elsewhere
A break-up can mean that your current
life is going to change greatly. Also, future dreams may feel destroyed by the break-up. These feelings are temporary,
Places your energy may now move towards àà
Other relationships, academics,
job, spirituality, exercise, volunteer work, entertainment (i.e. concerts, plays, sports), various forms of artistic expression.
*** Overgeneralizing – a tendency
to take one example and apply it to all other cases. You need to be careful to avoid stereotyping males and females
after a breakup. For example, for a while you may think all guys are "players". Another example might be a woman who
was nice early in the relationship but mean later; thus, all women are bound to show their true colors.
*** "I want to be just friends." Is this really
possible now, sometime in the future, or ever?
Questions you should ask yourself about being a
friend with an ex-partner
Is this just a way in which he is trying to make himself feel less guilty for hurting you? Could
you accept only a friendship with her? Can you deal with this person dating someone else? Talking about other love interests?
Can the negative qualities of your ex-partner that were masked by girlfriend or boyfriend status be dealt with in a friendship?
Are you accepting the role of a friend just to stay close to the person in hopes of one day being his/her boyfriend or girlfriend
again? Are you staying close to the person to keep your self-esteem from decreasing further?
*** The person who broke up with
you may pressure you to accept your new role as a friend. He/she may indicate that you do not care about him or her if you
do not accept this role immediately. Realistically, it may take some time. You were rejected by this person and
will have to work through a host of questions to determine if you want to hold the status as a "friend". Remember, if
the person really cares about you he/she will be patient when you are in the process of making this decision.
5. Dealing with Rejection
Having someone break up with you
can have a real negative effect on your self-esteem. It can also lead to negative emotions such as sadness and anger.
Being kind to yourself is important
at this time. Remember the old saying, "if you don't like yourself no one else should like you." Schedule pleasurable activities,
pamper yourself, and especially avoid isolating oneself. Try not to generalize this rejection to potential future partners.
Avoid negative statements such as I must be too fat, stupid, ugly, or not deserving of a romantic relationship.
Listing the positive and negative qualities
about your ex-partner may help you be more realistic about the person. Remember, our memories make liars of all of us.
When someone breaks up with us, we tend to reminisce about the person's positive traits and forget about the negative.
Negative ways to deal with a break up
Chasing after the person in hopes that they will take you back.
Isolating yourself. (Isolation can
lead to negative obsessing about the relationship and the world in general)
Drinking heavily or abusing other
drugs to forget or squash negative feelings; thus, not processing these negative feelings in a healthy manner.
Jumping into another relationship
to regain your self-worth.
Listening excessively to sad songs
or watching too many sad movies can be unhealthy. These forms of media can help you mourn the loss, but too much of
these activities can lead you to feel depressed.
6. Growing emotionally from the
Although the end of a romantic relationship
can be painful, it also affords one the opportunity to learn about oneself and grow from the experience. Some of the things
that you can learn include identifying your interpersonal needs, their sources, the healthiest way to get these needs met,
and the strengths and resources you have to help you cope during difficult times in your life.
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Break-up Survival Guide
sometimes relationships end. When they do, the breakup can cause much pain to either or both partners for a significant length
of time. If you are someone who has recently ended a relationship or if you know someone who has, this week's newsletter will
help you or them deal with the pain of a breakup.
The following is a list of suggestions for people ending
a long-term relationship:
Remember that you…
* will feel pain
* have survived this type of pain before and will this
time as well
* will feel lonely
* have survived feeling lonely before and will again
* are ok and lovable
* the relationship is over
* your ex partner has both good and bad qualities;
do not idealize or discount him/her
Focus on your…
* personal growth
* self care
Complete with your…
* your ex
* the magnificence of who you are
* your part in the relationship break up
Give yourself time to…
* be alone
Make sure that you…
* get touch, from friends or a body therapist
* have someone to come home to sometimes, such a relative
or a friend
The following is a list of suggestions for people ending
a short-term relationship:
* the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but
about your past
* if you start healing your past the pain will subside
* holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you
attached and in pain
* your ex partner
* all of your ex partners
* your parents
Give yourself the…
* room to grieve
* room to grow
Build for yourself a…
* self esteem
* a life that you love
Whether you are ending a long term or a short term
* don't look for a new relationship until you are done
* trust that when ready you will attract the right
* welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve
It's through self evolution that you will be able to
create a great relationship you dream of.
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Coping with Loss
Of all of life's multifaceted teachings, the experience
of loss is among our most powerful vehicles for awakening. As much as we resist its sting, loss is omnipresent in the universe.
The poet Yeats reminded us that no matter how solid anything appears, ultimately ''...things fall apart.'' In a similar vein,
modern physics' Law of Entropy proves that over time, everything loses coherence and tends toward disorder. In all forms of
relationship, at some point in the future we will have to say good-bye to the physical form of everyone we now know.
With intimate relationships, we see loss everywhere
around us in every possible form: passionate, seemingly transcendent romances suddenly crashing to the ground; old, distant,
lifeless relationships finally acknowledging what has been obvious for a long time; unfulfilled lovers paralyzed by fear,
unable to break through to deeper levels of intimacy; fragile new budding relationships that don't survive even the first
disagreement; and friendships ending when one person never returns the call. And when a relationship ends, there are losses
on many levels. We lose contact with the person, of course and all the gratification, real or imagined, that they brought
to our lives. But even more painfully, we lose the vision of what this relationship has meant to us in the past and present
and the hope of what it might mean for us in the future. We lose the story and the myth that embodied the relationship and
for many of us this is the most difficult loss of all.
How do we react in the face of impending loss?
We have several choices. If we are attached to a particular form of this relationship, by virtue of a belief we have about
what should or must be rather than what is, we can hold on tightly, hoping to control a process that we intuitively know is
out of our control. Holding on tightly usually only hastens our journey to aloneness by scaring off our partner with our rigid,
We can also choose to prematurely let go, to check
out, to disengage emotionally, preparing for the loss before it even happens, protecting our soft underbelly from the pain
that lies ahead, numbing or distracting ourselves from the uncomfortable sensations surging through our hearts and minds through
work, addictions or a new warm body. We can also retreat to victimhood, reassuring ourselves that this other person wasn't
so great to begin with, that ''we can do better'' and that we have been treated poorly or unfairly, through no fault of our
But there is another path, the path of consciously
being with and embracing our loss, responsibly, without judgment toward ourselves or our partner, being fully present with
our feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, grief, anger or whatever else comes up. There may be profound sadness that something
beautiful or hopeful has died or was never even given a chance to live. There may be anger that we didn't try harder or that
they didn't either. There may be fear that we will always be alone or despair that it seems too hard to connect with others.
Regardless of what comes up, we can choose to be present with all of our feelings, lying in the rubble of our shattered dreams,
perhaps confused and not sure what to do next. There is nothing we have to ''do'' other than allow our feelings to move within
and through us at their own pace and time.
We can honor the process by not needing to change or
distract or distort or numb what is happening within us. And if we can stay with this process mindfully, eventually we will
get to a place of acceptance and even understanding, where we can look back with gratitude at what was once a beautiful thing.
We can honor the connection that allowed our spirit to soar and our loving presence to expand. We can review what we have
learned from this journey and make notes about how we will do it differently the next time around.
Pathologist Beck Weathers was left for dead after lying
completely exposed atop Mt. Everest for fifteen hours. Then, miraculously, his eyes opened and he awoke from his hypothermic
coma and walked to camp. He lost both hands to frostbite and suffered many other physical deficits. He was brought back home
from this terrible ordeal, only to discover that his wife was fed up with his mountain climbing and avoidance of intimacy
and was leaving him for one year to let him figure out his priorities. Stunned, without hands, without a job and without a
family, he began to look inside for the truth, which resulted in him completely transforming his life. He now considers his
multiple losses to be the greatest blessing of his life. He realized how depressed and cut off he had been emotionally and
he began to re-connect with his family and friends in a profound manner that would have been impossible before.Like Weathers, we may initially be horrified at our losses. But losses
aren't going to go away, ever. Nor would we want them to. As Judith Viorst discusses in her book Necessary Losses, regular
losses are essential throughout our life spans for all growth to occur. Every loss creates a space for something new to be
born: a new hope, a new beginning, a new vision, a new opening to loving ourselves and others more deeply. It is only when
we fully embrace death that we can truly live. Likewise, it is only when we fully embrace loss that we can truly gain.
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Feelings at the End of a Relationship
The following are common, normal feelings often
experienced when a relationship ends. There is no right or wrong feeling to have - we each react to the end of a relationship
in our own unique way.
of these feelings may seem overwhelming, they are all "normal" reactions and are necessary to the process of healing so that
we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships. Be patient with yourself.
- Denial. We can't believe that this is happening
to us. We can't believe that the relationship is over.
- Anger. We are angry and often enraged at our
partner or lover for shaking our world to its core.
- Fear. We are frightened by the intensity of
our feelings. We are frightened that we may never love or be loved again. We are frightened that we may never survive our
loss. But we will.
- Self-blame. We blame ourselves for what went
wrong and replay our relationship over and over, saying to ourselves, "If only I had done this. If only I had done that".
- Sadness. We cry, sometimes for what seems
an eternity, for we have suffered a great loss.
- Guilt. We feel guilty particularly if we choose
to end a relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner. Yet we don't want to stay in a lifeless relationship.
- Disorientation and confusion. We don't know
who or where we are anymore. Our familiar world has been shattered. We've lost our bearings.
- Hope. Initially we may fantasize that there
will be a reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary, that our partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept
the reality of the ending, we may dare to hope for a newer and better world for ourselves.
- Bargaining. We plead with our partner to give
us a chance. "Don't go", we say. "I'll change this and I'll change that if only you'll stay".
- Relief. We can be relieved that there is an
ending to the pain, the fighting, the torment, the lifelessness of the relationship.
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Breakups can make
life miserable. Unfortunately, many of us resort to ineffective or self-defeating attempts to hasten our healing, or try to
reverse the process. We only end up making matters worse. Some self-destructive things we may resort to are:
Denying the breakup, or ignoring your hurt, pain, confusion, and feelings of rejection only compounds it. Like cancer,
it slowly eats away at you, silently, painlessly, and unnoticed . Acknowledge your pain. Accept that the relationship is over.
pride or good-character: Often times, to lessen our own painful feelings of rejection and failure, we finger-point. Placing
blame on the other person. We need to learn to attack the 'issue', instead of the person. Name-calling, fault finding,
or finger-pointing only builds the wall, hides the issue, and prevents us from bettering ourselves for future relationships,
and salvaging our current ones.
There are many forms of manipulation, from openly dating others to feelings of hopelessness and abandonment. Sometimes we
are very much aware of our manipulative ways. Such as sending cards, flowers, or others gestures of relaying our love (need).
But, more often than not, we are unaware. We may cry, beg, threaten, insult, belittle, or even blackmail our ex - all with
hopes of manipulating them into helping us get what 'we' want. Our main goal is satisfying our own personal interests -
we ignorantly think, 'to hell with what is good or right for them'. We only see things our way.
the forces: We try to recruit friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and both our ex's and our own families as allies on our
quest to 'make it stop' or 'make it all go away'. Whether our motives are to belittle and insult our ex, find out 'if they
are seeing anybody', or looking for a translator to get our message of misery or woe to the ex. Eventually, all we really
end up doing is losing our own self-respect and dignity.
Are you dwelling on your breakup, your relationships, and the if's, and's and but's? Do you keep reliving the last moments
over and over again? The problem is you are doing all this through one state of mind - that of a wounded child who did
something wrong and wants to make it right. The problem is, just as with children, you aren't seeing clearly. You aren't really
hearing what is being said to you. Close your prejudiced thoughts up. Empty you heart out. And open your ears.
give ourself, and our ex, time: You may instantly try to salvage the relationship, undo a breakup, change your ex's mind,
or alter a certain course of events. Your thoughts are so clouded and unreliable right after a breakup. Give yourself time
to 'come down' from the emotional roller-coaster so that you can think, act, and even react with a more relaxed state of mind.
This always gives your ex time to unwind from the pain and think more clearly, too. If they were the one to opt for the
breakup, odds are they are set on leaving it and the quicker you engage them with the ideal of getting back together
the more adamant they will be to leave. Allowing time to pass gives them the needed space to think more rationally and get
out of that 'wanting out' state. The webBook,
This Side of Good-bye, available in our library here, explains more about what kind of mode people are in when they
choose to leave a relationship.
just forget it. I'm moving on and putting this man/woman behind me!" These thoughts can be very damaging. Dating again
heals your heart about the same as placing a mere band-aid on a broken arm would heal the arm. The damage will remain! Before
you move on you should learn to fully understand what issues were yours, where you could use 'fixing-up', and learning to
be comfortable with being by yourself - a must for any future successful relationship. Without these you will see history
repeat itself over and over again. You will know that the healing is complete and you are ready to date again when
you can find happiness - alone and with yourself! And when you can find that then any relationship you have after that has
got to be great because you eliminate these relationship busters:
ANXIETY - you are FREE from
that panicky 'need' to have someone
DEPRESSION - you know to create
your own happiness
ABANDONMENT FEAR - there is
no 'fear' of being left, because even that would be okay with you
CODEPENDENCY - you've healed
to the point where you do not 'unhealthily' ATTACH to someone
HURT FEELINGS - you learn to listen without 'defending'
(yourself) and speak without 'offending' (the other person). You also learn to hear the 'fear' behind their words - and yours
DISCONTENTMENT - you learn
to appreciate them for who they are. You don't try to change or alter them. And you allow them to be themselves
NERVOUS INSECURITY - only
'you' are the 'be-all' to your life
RESENTMENT - you love unselfishly
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY - sex
is no longer a 'tool'
ANXIETY - when you are a peace
with yourself, your relationship is one of serenity and security - not anxiety, worry, hurt, and pain
food, one-night stands: Oh, my! Argh! The pain is gone temporary, and maybe that sounds really good right now - to
stop the pain...but, boy does it come back ten-fold. Additionally, we are even more depressed as a result of the chemicals
we have put in our body, our loss of self-respect, fear that we may have harmed ourselves, and the realization that we
are right back where we started from! In fact, we are two steps back! The best solution is to not try to end the pain, but
to just go through it. Think of it as a dark tunnel you have stumbled across while journeying through a dark and dismal
land. You start out in a really bad place. In fact, it is such a bad, evil,
horrible place that you can't even phantom that the tunnel ends in a bright, beautiful land rich in hope, love, and
laughter. But to get there you have to go through the tunnel, and right now that black, endless-looking hole doesn't look
anymore inviting than the dismal land you are in. So, someone comes along, someone who has journeyed through that tunnel,
and they tell you, "this tunnel ends in the land of golden sun and bright rainbows, and many beautiful things". So you look
at the tunnel and it is still dark and foreboden looking, and there's no way you're going to go through that. So you try to
skip around it, or hop right over it in your hurry to reach the dream land. But every time you do that, you end up even farther
away from the tunnel's entrance. And you have to work even harder, fighting yourself back through the dark and dismal land
of dread to reach the tunnel's entrance again. If you would just walk through it, you will soon see that the tunnel
is starting to take in light. And then the light gets brighter and is laced with golden rays of sunshine. And at last you
see the end. But the only way to reach the end of the tunnel is to go through it.
Yes, we can make the pain of our breakup
far worse than it already is. But, although these are trying times, the grief can be lessened and the healing hastened
if we follow these simple rules above.
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When You Can't Let Go
So it's been over for a while. You've tried
your best not to ring him or see him. Perhaps you've done the opposite, and sought him out at every opportunity, and rung
him when you knew you shouldn't. Either way, you still can't stop thinking about him, and although you may have tried various
ways to distract yourself, you can't get him out of your head.
Unrequited love is frustrating, painful, and not that
uncommon. I've watched quite a few of my close girlfriends experience this kind of heartache to a horrendous degree. I too,
have found myself pining pathetically away over a lost love. It's hard, and it hurts. But you can, and will eventually let
him go and move on.
So what can you do?
Don't call him or try and see him. It will always end in tears.
If by some chance you can catch him, either by phone or in person, you are just placing a short-term bandaid on your heart.
At first, this contact will make you feel good, until he reinforces to you that's over and he has moved on (this is where
the tears begin). It's just like breaking up all over again. All you're doing is putting yourself into a vulnerable and painful
situation again. If you think that by making contact with him, you can change how he feels, you will be disappointed. Remember,
as much as love can be a beautiful experience, it can also be so cruel. The reality is, if he had decided he wanted you back,
then he would have tried to contact you. If he's made no attempt to do this, then he doesn't want you back. Trying to persuade
him to get back together will only frustrate you and ultimately anger him. He knows there is nothing he can say or do to make
you feel any better, and contacting him will only frustrate him. In the end if you keep calling, the only way you're going
to make him happy, is by leaving him alone for good.
If you can, try and reverse the situation. If you ended the relationship,
and your ex kept calling to try and convince you to get back together, it wouldn't take long until you would dread the thought
of hearing from him. It's just the same for guys.
Surround yourself with your girlfriends. When you are going through a difficult battle such as this one, go to your
girlfriends, that's what they're there for. It's okay to vent your feelings when you first break up with your partner, but
if you keep rehashing the same thing, they too will become sick of hearing about it. If this starts to happen, they're not
being bitchy, there's just nothing they can say or do to help. Use them to take your mind off things. Your friends would rather
you do this than hear the same old story over and over about why he doesn't want to be with you.
Try doing girl things
together. Go shopping, have a girl's night out, or take a weekend away. For most girls, close girlfriends can be like an extended
family, and they will love you through the tough times, but they need to see you are trying to help yourself. No matter how
much people care, they do get sick of someone who's not trying to help themselves.
Throw yourself into work, hobbies,
and recreation. Even if you can't stop thinking about your ex, get out and live. It may not be helpful to start with, but
after a while it can ease the heartache. Once the relationship's over, it's important you start rebuilding your life. Often
when couples are together for a while, they're worlds entwine and become one. So it's normal to feel a little lost. Sometimes
what you may be missing is the security of having a predictable and safe love and social life. Many people lose contact with
their friends when they fall in love, and once it's over they feel completely devastated at the loss of not just their ex,
but of the life they gave up to be with them. And when it's over, things are going to change
dramatically. Change is sometimes terrifying, but it can also be wonderful. If change scares you, try and turn it around.
Embrace chance. With change comes growth, and when you grow, the person you should find at the end will be a beautiful and
If you've tried everything. If it's been months, and you still can't find you can let go of your ex, you may need to seek
out some counselling. You will probably find that the problem lies a lot deeper than the ending of a relationship. Talking
with someone other than your friends can often throw a new perspective on the situation, and you may find that there are other
alternatives to help you move on. Seeing a professional for a relationship break-up does mean you are weak or hopeless. If
you cannot move on, this is actually a healthy decision, and is quite common.
Letting go of someone you love and accepting
that they no longer want to be with you can be a painful thing to cope with. But the heart does heal; it's just some just
take longer than others. And remember you've lived much of your life without this person before, and you can do it again.
You just need to be strong, and hang on.
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"I promise you faithfully with each passing day it gets
easier. Six months on the urge to pick up the phone and call my x has weakened considerably. But it was an inhuman struggle
"In the last several months
I have been experiencing the various stages of 'grieving' and recovering from a bad relationship. At first I was just
devastated with the loss of someone I loved. Then I was really bitter and angry. But I'm past all that now. I absolutely
CANNOT bring myself to hate my ex, no matter how terrible he was. I was able to forgive him eventually. I have been slowly
coming to accept the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do to help him. It's just so painful to me to realize
that I have to 'give up' on someone that I once loved. I guess I still care about what happens to him! I just can't help
it! I am incapable of wishing BAD things would happen in his life, no matter how BADLY he treated me.
But now I realize that ultimately
I cannot do anything because all my attempts to help him, change him, 'save' him, or make him a happier person will inevitably
fail in the end. It reminds me of this: trying to fill up a cup with water, when the cup has a hole in the bottom. So of course,
the cup will NEVER fill up. And all of my efforts to fill it are pointless. It just hurts me to have to completely
give up on someone, even if they are the biggest jerk I have ever met in my entire life."
Reply 1: "I wonder if maybe you might
be having trouble because you feel that to give up trying to help him means that YOU are not as good at heart as you think
you should be. Like, "What kind of not-so-nice person would I be if I gave up on someone, or treated him indifferently, or
stopped talking to him entirely?" I got a real sense that being a "good" person is very important to you and to your identity.
(Maybe that's why you can't bring yourself to think badly of him--that'd be against the "good girl" rules.) That's a tough
thing to overcome. I guess I'd say just keep remembering that the best thing you can do is to NOT be a source of attention
for him, NOTHING will help him, and eventually if he doesn't get what he wants from you he's going to go find it somewhere
else, and that's a whole other kind of pain right there, to realize that he was only using you for his own narcissistic needs."
Reply 2: "Think of him as
a highly toxic person, a vampire, that will suck out of you sympathy, your time, your effort, and over time drain you,
bleed you dry of your self and your own needs. That is what he wants, your giving, your caring, your goodness. Is it possible
on some level you are feeling the very human reaction of guilt? Guilt is a major hook they will use if they can find it and
work on you. He is a predator. He will suck from anybody his N supply and he will not give a damn what price or toll he exacts
from the person. I don't think you have to hate him, you just have to get him away from you. There is a difference. I spent
years trying everything for my NH to fix, cure, help, just like everyone else here. He doesn't have true emotions, he will
mimic them (the "Oh poor me routine my life is so hard and I feel so horrible)...he will feed you that line to gain sympathy,
to keep you, to extract from you. You don't have to do that. Its ok to say NO and to walk away, You have to totally protect
yourself and be able to move on---walk away with no contact, he will never walk away totally, never give up. It is up to us,
the targets which is the hard part, to make that decision. He has a disorder you had a taste of,
this is what you are saying "No" to. Yes he is a person, but his behaviours towards you are the problem.
You can't deal with his problem behaviour but you have the choice to protect yourself."
Reply 3 "You've
hit on a very important aspect of this whole healing thing. That's one of the things that really made me feel like I was turning
into an N myself. I had to coldly (realistically is the better word) turn my back on him and eventually walk away and give
up hope that this disorder could be overcome in some way, and it made me feel like I was every bit as lacking in emotion as
he was. Well, walking away IS the best thing. It's very hard isn't it?. I'm a nurturer by my nature, and
it is hard. Damn hard. This disorder is just far too deeply ingrained in them. We look for closure. It won't come from them,
we are the ones who finally make the closure".
Reply 4 "Wow!
I have never actually thought of it exactly like that, but the more I think about it the more I realize it's true. I'll
just explain it this way, it IS very important to me to be a good person. And that is beyond my control,
I think I was born with a conscience the size of the Grand Canyon - doesn't let me get away with much! Another
important thing someone said was that I have to distance myself from him not out of hatred, but because I have to protect
myself. Since I cannot fix him, or change him, or help him, really my conclusion is this: The only useful thing that
I can do in this situation is to work on ME. I have to protect myself and finish the healing process. At this point I
am really trying to make sense of the relationship and what happened. Now that I've figured out he has this disorder
things are certainly making a lot more sense. Somehow we ended up being together again. I guess the reason I had not
used the "No Contact" policy this time is that it failed miserably last time."
Reply 5 "I read every word you write because
your words free me. Despite the warning signs all I got was, "Oh, he'll settle down...he is
such a nice guy..." But something was wrong and I knew it...I just could not put my finger on the problem...
I have a daughter who has
gotten into miserable relationships. Your writing helps me understand her and gives me insight into how I might be able to
influence her to do the brave thing as you are in process of doing. Oh, if only I had the knowledge to walk away when he was
a boyfriend! Thirty years later, he walks away with this new soul mate. Take care of yourself because you deserve
someone who can love you back. I hear it in your words that you understand compassion, empathy, and commitments.
Find a man who is worth investing in because I can tell you, had I walked away when my gut told me to, I would have a
prize today instead of a loser."
Reply 6: "You sound to me
like you've done a great job of accepting the truth! You have a wonderful grasp of the reality of your situation. That
just doesn't make it any less sad, does it? I feel that sadness for my N too, and like you, I don't wish for
anything bad to happen to him. I think continuing to learn as well as the passage of time will help you heal from this
experience. It's so hard to talk to anybody about this, they have no idea about Ns. That's why these boards are helping me
heal. You're doing great."
Reply 7: Being around them
makes us want to get away from the abuse and manipulation. Then being away we begin to question ourselves and whether
we're right. Well, we were right. The abuse was that bad. The kindest thing you will ever do for youself is the "No Contact"
rule. "Gee, he treated me real bad and I'm going back for more" - no thanks. Well, obviously we'll kick ourselves if
we do. Closure is what we do, not the N. I think it was Shakespeare that said "Woulds't thou have a serpent sting thee
twice?" Well, I didn't listen, I went back and it was a waste of time. He was right back to the abuse and everything he said
was a lie. I'll never feel sorry for him again. He had no intention of changing. I will not live in a hell where never-ending boundaries
are my only option. That was time I could have spent on me. I went right back into that obsessive thinking and wanting justice
thinking again. It just added months to recovering from this. I'll never do that again. He is what he is.
Accepting it's over
You've split up with your partner but all you can think
about is getting back together. No matter how much you want them back, the best way to move now is on.
When you split up with someone that you still have
feelings for it's tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there's no
hope of reconciliation, you're just prolonging the agony - and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.
Try to accept that it's over
This is so difficult, but until you accept that the
relationship is over you'll probably keep reading 'secret' messages into everything connected with your ex. It's particularly
hard to believe you really have been dumped if you're still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is
to sever all connection - even if just for a while. Of course this is very difficult if you're in the same job or at uni together
- but the less contact you have the better.
No sex with your ex
After a while, you and your ex might meet up - especially
if you lived together and have got to sort out possessions or legal problems. You might spend an evening sorting out these
things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you'll have a kiss and cuddle for old times' sake and one thing could
lead to another. Attractive though this sounds - especially if you are still in love with your ex - having sex could break
your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like: "This shouldn't
have happened," or: "Well that was nice, but it doesn't change anything," and you'll feel as devastated as when you first
split up. So make it a rule - NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.
Can we still be friends?
If your ex has said something like: "Of course we must
stay friends", be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want
them as a lover - and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth
is that it will probably help your ex's guilt about dumping you, but you're the one who needs help right now, not your previous
partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months - and after that time, decide whether or not friendship
is possible or even desirable.
Christine Webber is a relationships
advisor and the author of How To Mend A Broken Heart
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To Do When The Relationship Is Over?
by Glenn Key
|Will we learn from it and go on to more fulfilling
experiences, or will we let it destroy our happiness and usefulness?|
We scream and cry, pout and blame. We are confused,
angry, sad and disappointed. Our hearts feel broken. We feel we have given love, understanding, compassion and intimacy. We
trusted and were honest; we loved unconditionally. We feel like a piece of our heart has been ripped out and we are left with
a gapping hole that will never heal. The wounds are deep. Can we go on?
Impossible as it seems -- life does goes on! We may
not believe that we will survive, but we do. Eventually, we get over the relationship. Once we realize that life is different
now, no longer wrapped around a person who is not there for us anymore, we begin to explore our options:
1. We could just end it all -- suicide.
Hit the delete button fast on this option! No
one or no event in our lives is worth taking this choice. In truth, this is no option, for we would have to come back and
finish the karma in another lifetime -- and it would probably be a very long time before we would be given that opportunity.
All relationships are lessons to be learned. There are no accidents. People come into our lives for a purpose, and we are
here to learn from them. When we do not complete that learning (just another relationship course in the school of planet earth),
we will have to try again with that person or another person.
2. We could roll around in the muck of hate.
This is not a valid option either, for hate is extremely
self-destructive. We would still feel dirty and used. Long-term resentment and hate is a core cause of cancer, for these feelings
gradually eat us up, just as cancer eats up our good cells. Hate simply produces more karma. In relationships, we can often
find another person who will hate us very quickly, and the spiral of karma continues. Is this what we really want?
3. We can take an extended trip to the city
Not good at all. On this trip, we usually rerun all
the happenings in the relationship. Because we have predetermined that we are on our way to Guilt, we begin to see everything
as our fault. We blame ourselves for all the challenges in the relationships and blow them out of proportion. We go through
the "if only" syndrome, imagining how different things would be if only we had done it differently. Remember, it takes two
people to make or break a relationship. Remember also that we are not responsible for how people react to what we do or say.
(However, if we are growing in maturity, we will not purposely do or say something to hurt another person.) Actually, no one
can hurt us unless we allow it. Consider this: "No one can get my goat, unless I tell them where it is tied." If someone "got
our goat" we allowed it -- but we don't have to allow it again.
4. We can rewind the reel and then fast-forward
the lesson for review.
This is necessary in order to learn from the relationship
course we just ended. The past is over and cannot be changed. We have a bright future ahead, but in order to reach it, we
have to move on, away from the past. During this review, we must note the good things about the relationship -- both the good
things we did and the good things done by the other person. We can spend some time thinking about things we did that we could
have done better. True, we do make mistakes sometimes, but that doesn't make us a bad person.
5. We can seek professional help.
If pulling negative relationships to ourselves seems
to be a pattern, we may need to seek a good psychologist or therapist who can lead us into exploring our underlying insecurities.
We may look back into childhood or young adult situations for clues as to why our relationships are challenging.
While I find that helping my clients understand why
a relationship could not or should not last is important, I also recommend several things to release the other person:
1. RELEASE PRAYER
Write the following: "Thank you, God, that on this
date I totally release (other person's name here) emotionally, with peace, love and forgiveness, for the highest good of all
involved. And so it is!" Once you date this and sign your name, you can put it away or "send it to God" by placing it in a
Bible, holy book or small box with "God Box" written on the top. As you do so, say, "God I am turning this over to You now;
I will not worry anymore about this."
2. FORGIVENESS LIST
As part of releasing personal guilt, write on
the top of a sheet of paper "I forgive myself for:" and list all of the things you feel you have done for which you feel guilty.
On another sheet, write, "I forgive (individual's name here)" and list all of the things for which you feel you need to forgive
the other person. These pages need to be destroyed, preferably by burning and destroying the ashes. Sometimes this ceremony
has to be repeated daily until you feel that all is forgiven and released.
3. SCHEDULE A GET-TOGETHER
In some cases, closure may be needed. Sometimes this
is necessary to finish karma. You may want to contact the other person by telephone or letter requesting (not begging) a short
get-together to clear the air, so that both of you can go on with your lives. If the other person does not respond, you have
closure, and you have completed your karma.
If you never want to see or talk to the other person
again, it may help to burn memorabilia, pictures, letters, dried flowers, or whatever you have that reminds you of that person.
As you burn, repeat the release prayer. This is not witchcraft, just a symbolic gesture that you do not want the other person
in your life anymore. Don't use this idea, however, unless you are serious about completely releasing the old to open up for
a new better relationship.
When a relationship ends, it is vital to remember that
life does go on. Every relationship carries a lesson. Will we learn from it and go on to more fulfilling experiences, or will
we let it destroy our happiness and usefulness? We can move into higher levels of loving relationships. Release and forgive.
Do not be afraid. The next reel does not have to be the same old movie! Glenn Key is a professional intuitive counselor specializing in relationship counseling
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has many different reasons, but for most of us it is a way of purging and cleansing our souls - so we can feel renewed, we
can free ourselves from useless clutter that stored would only impede our progress. It is much like a snake shedding its skin*.
But for some 'grief' becomes our security blanket.
We hold onto grief because by holding onto the grief we are keeping the person we grieve over 'alive' in a sense. We are keeping
the relationship alive. To let go of our grief and move on means to let go of our love/relationship and move on...and we are
not ready to do that. Grief is the only remaining 'tie that binds'.
For others grieving is a way of honoring those we grieve
over. For instance, when Dave died I grieved over him for a long time because I had the mistaken notion that if I were to
stop grieving and get on with my life I would be betraying him somehow. After all, it wasn't his fault he died..and if I kept
on living then I felt I was belittling his 'life', instead of honoring him. I really felt that any kind of happiness on my
part was a betrayal to him and his memory. I felt I needed to grieve forever in order to honor and love him forever. In order
to NOT betray him.
For others 'grief' actually becomes our rebound relationship.
We no longer have our mates so we replace them with a proxy - our grief. Our grief now becomes a substitute for our lost mates.
It comforts us, it cradles us, it loves us. Grief becomes our new love!
But, all in all, for most 'grief' is a way to cleanse
our souls of clutter so we can go on without baggage and enjoy life to its fullest. So let your grief flow, feel the pain,
cry a thousand rivers. It is cleansing.
Stop fighting the grief because this only postpones
and prolongs the natural cleansing.
Grief, too, will pass - as all things come to pass.
Love to all.
have you ever seen a snake shed his skin? ...
The snake simply outgrows it... the skin becomes
a tight, painful noose around its neck, hampering its abilities to grow and flourish. So the snake crawls on its belly, banging
against jagged rocks & squirming in pain, until at last the old, binding skin that made the snake so miserable is cast
aside and gone and the snake feels rejuvinated, BRAND NEW.
Pain and hurt are just like that skin. We must learn
to endure the struggle to break ourselves free from its binding grip, and so... We squirm in agony, but through the process
we also know that there is a brand new us waiting to emerge.
The pain and hurt is not easy, but it gradually
goes away and underneath its black veil a NEW person emerges. And the new person is better than ever. HANG IN THERE! ~~Tigress
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Learning From A Relationship Breakdown
by Robert Elias Najemy
A divorce, separation or, in general, any loss of an
important relationship is a painful experience. . Such pain can seriously diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however,
use this inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking of separating, there are many lessons we need to examine
before we can come to the conclusion that we must separate from someone. But if the other leaves us or this separation has
already happened, we might be able to benefit from the following.
1. Our first lesson is to examine our behavior to see
how we might have contributed to the problem. Only in this way can we create a new healthy relationship if we chose to.
In relation to this we might want to examine the following:
*We may have been criticizing, complaining, rejecting
or otherwise causing the other to feel unaccepted.
*We may have been seeking continual affirmation in
ways that may have been tiring for the other.
* Our fears may have been causing us to be over sensitive
and annoying. *Perhaps we were playing games of power, who is right or who is more successful.
* We might have been playing roles such as the child,
the parent, the savior, the holy one, the rebel, the teacher or some other role which may have affected the other¹s behavior.
* We may have guilt feelings that were making us vulnerable
to the other¹s words or behaviors.
* Perhaps we were not communicating our needs clearly
and effectively as an adult and were suppressing ourselves or complaining, criticizing or threatening.
* We might have been projecting onto the other our
childhood or other experiences.
* The other might have been reflecting back to us our
lack of self-esteem or self-respect.
* We may have attachments that were coming between
* We may have inner conflicts, which were reflecting
back to us from the other.
2. We may need to learn to love the other in spite
of his or her behavior, regardless of whether we stay with that person or not.
3. We can discover that we can live without this person
and that happiness, security and love are internal states that are always within us, if only we allow ourselves to experience
4. We can use this opportunity to develop greater inner
strength so as to feel confident and able to face whatever may come to us in the game of life.
5. Most of us will need to change our self-image. We
need now to learn to accept, love and respect ourselves more, so that we do not create the same problem in our next relationship
or in life in general.
6. By directing our energies in a spiritual direction
and developing a relationship with God - the Universal Being, we are no longer so vulnerable or so dependent on others for
our feelings of security and self-worth.
Our lessons might be separated into five categories:
1. We might need to learn to communicate more effectively,
assertively and lovingly.
2. Perhaps we need to let go of some attachments, which
are increasing our conflicts with others and diminishing our happiness.
3. Examine our behaviors that might be annoying the
4. Free ourselves from subconscious programmings, which
limit our self-esteem and ability to attract the behaviors that we deserve.
5. Develop inner feelings of security, self worth and
freedom. Once our happiness, security and love have become internalized, we can experience unconditional love. Although we
need to make every possible step to heal our relationships, if and when a relationship breaks down, there is still much we
can learn. Be Well
About the Author:Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach
with 30 years of experience
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Heal Your Hurt
your hurt is important because this is what restores your peace of mind.
It also restores
your creativity and your ability to see what needs to be done.
There are two aspects of the healing process. First, you need
to be willing to feel your hurt like a child. This is what releases the emotion.
Second, you need to find and dismantle the inner mechanism
that creates your hurt in the first place. We'll talk more about this in the next section.
To begin the healing process,
lets talk about feeling your hurt.
When you were
born, you were created with the natural ability to heal hurt.
Look at little
children. Little children are masters at healing hurt. When a child feels hurt, the child cries. Then, after the child finishes
crying, the hurt is all gone.
Little children are able to release their hurt because they
do something that we don't notice. They allow their hurt. They are totally willing to feel all their feelings and emotions.
This is the natural process for healing hurt. Hurt is just
a feeling. When you allow the feeling to take its course, the feeling quickly comes and goes.
we have been taught to do the opposite. Instead of allowing our hurt, we have been taught to fight it. "Big boys and girls
don't cry. If you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about."
learn to avoid your hurt. This then circumvents the natural healing process.
of allowing the feelings and letting them go, you fight the feelings and keep them inside.
You try to push the hurt away,
but you can't. The hurt isn't outside of you, it's inside. So, in your attempt to push the hurt away, you actually push the
hurt deeper inside. You then spend the rest of your life running from this suppressed hurt.
The irony is that
no matter what you do to avoid your hurt, you can't get away from it. You will continue to experience these feelings whether
you like it or not.
When you are hurt, you are hurt. You don't have a choice whether
you are going to feel it. You will. Your only choice is this: Are you going to allow yourself to feel your hurt like a child
and let it go, or are you going to fight your hurt and keep it inside?
If you allow the
hurt, the feelings disappear. If you fight the hurt, the feelings turn into pain and then stay. To see this in your life,
find a time when you were hurt and you allowed yourself to cry. Then, after you cried your last tear, you felt a wonderful
freedom. This is a time when you allowed your hurt.
Now find a time
when you were hurt and hated it. You hated your circumstances and you hated your hurt. Notice that this hurt was very painful
and seemed to stay forever.
The key to releasing your hurt is to be willing to experience
it. Keep telling yourself, "It's okay to feel the hurt. It's okay." Let the hurt come and let the hurt go. Cry if you can.
Crying is the most powerful tool for releasing hurt.
If the hurt is there but you don't feel any tears, fake
it. Fake the crying until you get into the emotion. Then experience all the hurt as deeply as you can.
You may notice certain thoughts as you cry: "Why did she do
this?" "Why can't she love me." Let the thoughts guide your crying. Cry each thought. Then move to the next one.
Reach in and grab all the hurt you can. Experience it fully
like a child. Then, when the hurt is fully experienced, it disappears.
If the hurt doesn't
release, or if it keeps coming back, you have found the primary hurt that runs your life.
Ultimately, you are fighting the hurt of feeling worthless,
not good enough, a failure, not worth loving or some other form of being not okay. It's not the truth that you are this way,
it's just an old hurt.
In a subconscious attempt to avoid this hurt, you interact
in a way that destroys love and sabotages every aspect of your life. The avoidance of this hurt is responsible for all your
suffering and all your self-sabotaging behavior.
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Finding and healing this hurt is literally one of the most
important things you can ever do.
SAD TIMES OF OUR LIVES
Loss of a relationship
The second most intense life stress, after death, is divorce or loss of a love relationship. Most of us beyond 14 or 16 have
felt the intense pain and anguish of being rejected by a lover. Many writers have dealt with marital problems and the long,
distressful process of divorce. Kessler (1975) described seven stages of divorce:
Stage 1: Disillusionment
After the bliss of falling in love (with the ideal person for you), a new idea sneaks into your mind: your lover has some
faults. You may begin "psychologizing,"
e.g. "he is very self-centered," "she is nagging like my mother," "he flirts with women to hide his sexual fears," "she gets
a lot more involved with the children than she does with me," etc. If these feelings grow in either person, without being
resolved, the relationship is in trouble.
Stage 2: Erosion
The disappointments and fault-finding reduce the love and attraction. They may not know what is wrong or what to say. If the
relationship is becoming a little strained, this is the best time to have a good, straight talk or to seek marriage counseling.
If no changes are made, a lot of destructive interactions may take place: put each other down, compete for attention, spend
money carelessly, find new interests, watch each other critically, avoid each other, stop "confiding" or having sex.
Stage 3: Detachment
Each disappointment hurts. "Love dies a thousand deaths." Lovers pull away to avoid hurts and sadness. If the isolation continues,
it becomes more and more difficult to return to being lovers. Sometimes only one person is in the detachment stage; that is
enough to kill the relationship. In this stage, the couple share and talk little, imply that "I don't care" even though they're
hurting, and begin to think of other possible partners. They can't decide to leave or not. Often anger sets in--anger makes
it easier to decide to separate.
Stage 4: Physical separation
Separating is a sure sign the relationship has failed. Before, you might say, "we aren't getting along; we're fighting a lot,"
but now the relationship is gone--lost. There are many reactions to separation: often it is a painful, crushing void, sometimes
if you have wanted out for a long time it is a relief, usually there is loneliness, fear, and feelings of failure. There are
many adjustments to make--new place to live, new routine, new people, etc.
Stage 5: Mourning and letting go
We mourn the loss of a partner, even one who has caused us pain. It is the loss of a dream, if nothing else. We rid ourselves
of the "ghosts" of our past love, give up hope of reconciliation, and realize the ex-lover is gone forever. Usually there
is a mix of intense emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, fear, hope. Often we spend hours reliving the old relationship--how awful
he/she was, how it should have been, whose fault it was, etc. The person needs to "work through" these old emotions. Eventually,
he/she will decide to get on with his/her life.
Stage 6: A new life.
The focus shifts from the past to the future. Sometimes there is even an obsession with a new interest or life-style--new
clothes and looks, drinking, seducing and partying, or complete involvement with work and planning a new career or volunteering
to help in some social-political movement. Some are eager to find love again, others hate the opposite sex, others are scared
of emotional involvement. In some ways it's like being a teenager again.
Stage 7: Healthy adjustment
With luck, one emerges from a broken relationship wiser, tougher, stronger, and mellower. You have found some good friends
and made reasonable plans for the future. You are no longer so worried you can't sleep at nights and, although life is hard,
you are ready to move on to something better.
Each person is different. Some skip stages; some get stuck in a stage; some slide through the stages quickly and silently.
Seldom do a divorcing couple start and go through the same stages at the same time. The earlier a couple attends to problems,
the better. It is an unending task of true lovers to be sure the fun and affection outweigh the boredom and resentment. If
you are stuck in stage 2 or 3 for a few weeks and can't work it out or get your partner to seek counseling together, go by
yourself. If you are still mourning a former relationship (that obviously had problems) after more than two or three months,
seek some help with speeding up the recovery process.
I have counseled many young people in the depths of agonizing depression following a break up with a boy/girl friend. Many
felt the situation was terrible, almost unbearable (see cause #6 above). Indeed, some had thoughts of suicide. Yet, in my
classes three-fourths or more of the students have broken up with someone they thought at the time was the best partner
they could ever find. But, when I ask if that expectation has thus far proven to be true (that they couldn't find anyone
as good), less than 5% say yes. There is an inexhaustible supply of people to love. It is a cruel hoax to imply that there
is only one person for us to love. So, should you leave a strained relationship without regrets and pain? No, there is another
way to look at it.
Feeling terribly upset when losing a lover may be hard but desirable. After listening to the pain for hours, I have often
asked a person who has just been rejected, "How would you rather react to such an important loss?" The point is: your sadness
comes from your good traits--you were loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting, and involved. You had given your whole
self to the relationship. Isn't that the way you want to be? Isn't that the way you want your future partners to be? Would
you really want to be so self-centered, so uninvolved that you could easily dismiss a love relationship? So, bear the unavoidable
grief for a few weeks, then get on with building a future.
It is commonly said that the cause of a break up or divorce is shared, that it's 50-50. That isn't necessarily so. It may
be largely one person's responsibility--their needs, personality, irrational ideas, or emotional problems. It may be neither's
responsibility; they may simply have different interests, values, opinions, life-style, etc. which are no one's fault. You
don't need to assign blame, but it would be wise to understand what happened so the same problems can be avoided in the future.
(Young children often blame themselves for their parents' divorce, how sad. Shaver and Rubenstein  suggest this results
in self-doubts and shaky relationships many years later.)
How can you help yourself through the loss of love? Stearns (1984) deals with getting through a crisis. Many books specifically
address marriage problems (see chapter 10) and divorce or breaking up (Fisher, 1981; Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWilliams,
1977; Gettleman & Markowitz, 1972; Kranitz, 1987; Krantzler, 1972; Krantzler, 1977; McKay, Rogers, Blades, & Gosse,
1984; Phillips & Judd, 1978; Weiss, 1975). Make use of one or two. Broder (1988) focuses more on coping as a single adult
after a divorce. Books for children are by Gardner (1971), Franke (1983), and Richards and Willis (1976). Bernstein &
Rudman (1988) review several books for children suffering through a separation or loss. The pain of divorce on adults and
children is dealt with more extensively in chapter 10.
Some advice by parts of the problem
Level I (behavior)
: Find a friend or two to talk to; really pour out your feelings. Accept the support offered by friends and family. Immediately
put away all visible pictures, cards, clothes, anything that reminds you of the lost lover. You don't need constant reminders.
If you are still "down" after 3 or 4 weeks of post-divorce grieving, find more things to do, go places, have some fun. Some
people want to avoid the opposite sex for a while, but other people find that the best way to forget an old love is to go
looking for a better love. When you are stronger, say 4 to 6 weeks after separating, take all the reminders of the former
partner, even the out-of-sight ones, have a good cry, say goodbye to them, and throw or store them away permanently. It is
time to start a new life.
Level II (emotions): See the last section of this chapter and chapter 12. Desensitization or a "depression chair" may lessen
the pain of remembering the past.
Level III (skills): Social skills, assertiveness, and decision-making skills may be helpful (chapter 13).
Level IV (cognition): Challenge the irrational thinking that leads to possessiveness and awfulizing (see cause #6 above and
method #3 in chapter 14). Often, one person has trouble letting go during the break up. It is true that through marriage vows
and thousands of soft utterances we pledge our undying commitment. We intended to love our spouse forever, but we can not
control all our feelings; love can turn to indifference or hatred in spite of all our pledges. This is a reality that every
lover must know, face, and accept. In life, being loved is a wonderful experience but it is not a "right" we can demand. We
are not in control of love. Thought stopping (chapter 11) can reduce painful thoughts and fantasies.
Faulty conclusions abound when falling in love and scrambling out of love. We make the partner into a saint, later the same
person may be seen as an ogre. If you still think the departing partner is so wonderful you can't live without her/him, make
a list of her/his faults or liabilities. If he/she seems to be awful, remember his/her good traits and realize there are reasons
for his/her meanness. Each partner will benefit from considering the possibility of finding a better relationship. Gradually
specific plans for a better life should emerge for both people. You have loved and been loved; it can happen again.
Level V (unconscious factors): During the emotional turmoil of breaking off a relationship, sometimes hidden traits (in both
people) are openly exposed, e.g. possessiveness, fear of responsibility or intimacy, self-centeredness, self-put downs or
criticism of others, sexual self-doubts, irritating or self-defeating habits, and so on. To understand is to forgive. Insights
into your own weaknesses can become self-help projects. The next relationship benefits from this growth.
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The “WHY” Question:
by Colin Tipping
It’s 2.45AM. on Tuesday, April 27. I’ve been in bed for about 2 hours but I am wide-awake now. Littleton,
Colorado is definitely on my mind.
When I checked my e-mail before going to bed I saw that someone had started an
e-mail chain letter exhorting all of us who might drive anywhere on Friday to switch on our headlights.
myself that I would, but went to bed with the nagging question,“But why?” That’s what woke me up.
Actually, it wasn’t the question that woke me up — it was the answer. At 2:45 in the early morning hours,
I realized that I knew, in my head, the answer to that question. I knew intellectually what the switching on of those lights
should mean. If only everyone knew it! What a difference it would make. But I didn’t yet have it at the feeling level.
For it to be the truth, I had to know it in my heart.
I realized then that I had no choice but get up and do a RADICAL
Forgiveness worksheet around the situation. It worked! I came out of the experience with a profound sense of peace and deep
acceptance of the “perfection” of what had taken place in Colorado as an opportunity to heal.
Let me explain
a little about the worksheet. It is the main ‘self-help’ forgiveness tool in my book Radical Forgiveness, Making
Room for the Miracle. click here
It is designed very carefully to have you first feel the power of, and be fully operating from, the victim archetype.
As you describe the situation, you are invited to be fully the victim and to confront your persecutor with all that you blame
him/her for. As you feel the feelings associated with being victimized (a vital and necessary step) you are invited to accept
them unconditionally as ‘you’ and to love yourself for having them.
You are then taken through a series
of other steps that enable you to begin to see that life is not just a random set of events without purpose or intelligence.
Rather, what appears to be haphazard and meaningless is really the unfoldment of a divine plan that is totally purposeful
in terms of our spiritual growth. (Now you know why it’s called RADICAL Forgiveness!)
We finally get to
see that we are co-creators with Spirit and that, without exception, we always get precisely what we (at the soul level) want,
and there are no accidents. Everything that occurs out there is just a reflection of our consciousness (our inner world) and
is designed to heal our distorted view of reality. Then we can remember who we truly are: spiritual beings - at home in God;
not separated from Him at all - expanding His consciousness by having a human experience.
When we surrender to that and become willing to see the perfection in the situation, we recognize that nothing right
or wrong took place and that, in truth, there is nothing to forgive. That’s when the shift in energy takes place
and we find peace.
That peace is then felt by all others in the situation, and the energy that has hitherto been locked
up by our judgments is free to flow. That is the only way to prevent a situation similar to Littleton from happening again.
Changing laws, implementing safeguards, laying blame — none of these will do it. They will only ensure that it does
happen again, for nothing will have changed on the inner. Trying to change or control the outer world is futile. The only
way to make real change is to change our consciousness.
I started doing the worksheet for myself, but realized that
it be more instructive if I were to do the worksheet as if I were the American people — the collective consciousness
of all those seeking to answer the question “Why?”I invite you to use the worksheet on the next page to come to
terms with and to help you acheive clearity and peace for yourself on this event or any other event or situation in you life
that needs healing.
I will be posting my completed worksheet on my web site: www.radicalforgiveness.com
. Once again, if it speaks to you and allows peace to settle in your heart, send it immediately as a gift to others.
Let’s get this out to as many people as possible so that we can heal this and, while we are at it, stop the war in Kosovo.
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Making Room for the Miracle
A Radical Forgiveness Worksheet
1. Make a statement naming (Whomever or whatever you are upset about). 2. CONFRONTING THE SUBJECT
am upset because:
2(b) I am feeling: (Identify your real feelings here) Fearful terrorized, sad, rageful, vengeful, confused
2(c) I think: (identify the thoughts attached to the emotions)
3. I lovingly recognize and accept my feelings, without judgment of: Fear, terror, sadness, rage, vengefulness, confusion
I own my feelings. I realize that no one can make me feel anything.
4. Even though I do not
know why, I recognize that I have created this situation in order that I can learn and grow: (Comment on this with reference
to the clues that indicate that this is true).
5. Read these five insights in Radical Forgiveness and meditate on
how they might apply in this situation.
(a) When I feel upset, I know there is a part of me that needs to be healed. _________
is reflecting this for me so that I can see what I need to forgive in myself.
(b) I now realize that I get upset
only when someone resonates in me what I have denied, repressed and projected onto others. The situation is a precise mirror
of my consciousness around this issue.
c. I now realize that the way I see ______________ is precisely the way I unconsciously see myself. In
forgiving them, I forgive myself.
d. I appreciate your willingness to mirror my misperceptions, and I bless you for providing
me with the opportunity to practice forgiveness and heal.
(e) I now see that I am a spiritual being
having a human experience, and I forgive myself for using guilt, anger, blame and judgment to lower my vibration and keep
me separated from the World of DivineTruth.
6. I now realize that nothing ______________ or anyone
else has done is either right or wrong. I drop all judgment. I release the need
to blame and the need to be right and I recognize the perfection in the situation just the way it is. (Comment truthfully
7. My discomfort was my signal that I was withholding love from myself and others. (Describe how you were
I realize that I wanted to make ____________wrong and to lay blame in every direction. By
going to blame and judgment I was withholding love from myself in this sense and withholding love from ___________ by making
them my scapegoat. As I release the need to blame, I now see their actions as a cry for love, which exactly mirrors
my own cry for love. As I flow love to them, I flow love to myself.
8. I now realize that _____________ and I were
both receiving exactly what we each had subconsciously chosen. (Comment on this).
LETTING GO: (a) I release from my consciousness all feelings of: Fear, terror, sadness, rage, vengefulness, confusion and
(b) I release from my consciousness all thoughts of: Fear, terror, sadness, rage, vengefulness, confusion
10. I now realize that what I was experiencing was a precise reflection of how I perceived
the situation. I understand that I can change the experience by changing the perception. I have released my attachment
to that original perception and am willing to see it differently now. (Attempt a new perception) It is now clear
to me that __________ was mirroring for me all my false beliefs about how the world is and/or should be and in creating the
situation pushed all my buttons in such a way as to resonate in me all that I had denied, repressed and projected on others.
________is offering me an opportunity to heal everything and grow, as well as to raise the vibration of the planet. _______
made me realize that what I see out there is just illusion — a projection of my split mind that believes we are separate
from God and that he is angry with us, and out to get us, and that all the drama I create out of that belief is simply an
outplaying of my consciousness in this regard. Despite the seeming evidence to the contrary, fed to me through my five senses,
none of it is real. It is simply a projection of my mind. What is real is the divine love that is flowing beneath the situation.
That is ALL that is real.
11. I completely forgive myself, and accept myself as a loving, generous and creative being. I release all need to
hold onto emotions and ideas of lack and limitation connected to the past. I withdraw my energy from the past and release
all barriers against the love and abundance that I know I have in this moment. I create my life and I am empowered to be myself
again, to unconditionally love and support myself, just the way I am, in all my power and magnificence.
12. I now
SURRENDER to the Higher Power I think of as GOD, and trust in the knowledge that this situation will continue to unfold
perfectly and in accordance with Divine guidance and spiritual law.
I acknowledge my Oneness and feel myself
totally reconnected with my Source. I am restored to my true nature, which is LOVE, and I now restore love to ________________.
I close my eyes in order to feel the LOVE that flows in my life and to feel the joy that comes when the love is felt and
13. A note to _______________ Having done this worksheet I.....realize how important you were in my life.
You gave me the gift of forgiveness - Radical Forgiveness: as a result of reading this worksheet,
I entertain the idea that this whole thing was divinely guided, that you played your part as given, and that God does not
make mistakes. God bless you.
14. A note to myself: I honor myself for being willing to see the perfection —
even if I can’t actually see it yet. Just the willingness is all that it takes to shift the energy in the direction
of healing. Spirit hears it as my willingness to surrender and to trust life, and that is what all this is about. Thank you
God; thank you God; thank you God. And so it is.
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