by Susie and Otto Collins

It very easy to get into a relationship. But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process.

It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving.  In this week's article we thought we'd give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process.

Our suggestions are :

1) To never look at a relationship (or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished, it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea."    Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of.

2) Turn from the past and look toward the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life.

3) Know and understand that there are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth.

4) Acknowledge, without blame, your part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault.

5) Learn from the patterns of the past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.

At New York Awareness Center we offer you hypnosis techniques for your healing through forgiveness in order to achieve the peaceful state in mind and to allow yourself to move on with your life, often achieving consequent success and happiness in the present life. We facilitate your achievement of success through forgiveness, healing and subsequent positive change in life and health with  Hypnosis through Hypnotherapy individual confidential sessions in a conveniently located office in New York City.

"You are not your mistakes, you are your possibilities." Oprah Winfrey

Like many people now perhaps you are one of those who came at a certain point in their life and realized that they are stuck, and want to get unstuck, move on, move ahead. But as if something holds them up, stops their development, blocks their way, holds them in place, like a dark cloud over your head, constantly there, present and with you the entire time, even when you are seemingly happy. This feeling is there and it stems from the past, from the hurt back then, rooting way beyond we could realize if would impact us in the future. DON'T YOU WANT to become happy and make others happy too?

What you realize now is:

• that you are angry, frustrated, fearful because you were hurt
• feel the feeling of guilt
• slipped into a pattern like behavior where bad stuff repeats itself over and over
• the feelings of various fears overwhelm you often
• you are in the survival mode unable to enjoy life
• perhaps adding to it a self-destructive behavior
• unable to put things in a perspective

How to make peace with your past, and allow yourself to move on with your life.

You are now willing to look at your situation and do something about it, you have had enough of the stuck, you want to move on with your life and begin to create happiness. Something each of us deserves - peace in mind and at heart, joy, hope, future and healing. Now allow yourself to:

• acknowledge that you were hurt

• get rid of guilt

• stop playing a victim

• unload your anger and indignation

• recognize that in spite of all you are a strong and compassionate person

• put the past in the perspective, leave it where it belongs - in the PAST

• stop repeating patterns, allow happiness to enter your life

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a feeling and it stays with you. Forgiveness is an ongoing healing process. Forgiveness is an internal process, no one can do it for you, and no one can make you do it. You only do it when you realize you need it. With hypnotherapy you can allow yourself to realize your great potential much sooner and much more successfully in a safe environment of a qualified hypnotherapist.

Forgiveness is letting go of the intense emotion attached to incidents in your past. Even if you don't remember and don't realize that that is what happened, those incidents, words and events which happened in the past, as well as your responses are vividly alive in your subconscious memories.

Forgiveness is recognizing that we no longer NEED our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity, because it does  not make us happy to be that way. We no longer need to be the victim.

Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.

Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we can do to punish them will heal us.

Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish ourselves with the feelings of guilt and anger.

Forgiveness is freeing up the energy held by anger and grudge, resentment nursing unhealed wounds. Once the energy is released, we can begin to understand and develop the better parts of ourselves, step into and stay on the path of love and compassion.

Forgiveness is moving on with our life, allowing the blocks to be removed and allowing the happiness to enter our life. Create a healthy lifestyle with real emotional well-being, openness to the world and healthy responses to the life and the people around us.

Letting the pain go, letting the offenders be and accepting the new way of perceiving the hurt, forgiving and moving one gives you a feeling of liberation and as if the wings grow for you, gives you energy to become happy and make others happy.

What Forgiveness is NOT

• Forgiveness is not forgetting.
• Forgiveness is not condoning.
• Forgiveness is not absolution.
• Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice.
• Forgiveness is not a one-time clear cut decision.

Myths and Illusions about NOT forgiving

The illusion that if you do not forgive you could still have a perfect life. As if Not forgiving is keeping the would unhealed and it re-opens every time the pattern repeats.

The illusion of being good. AS if Not forgiving helps you define who you are. You are a victim of some injustice.

The illusion of power, as if by Not Forgiving you have power over the hurt if you keep it alive in your mind prison, making it omnipotent and omnipresent.

The illusion that you won't be hurt again. AS if Not forgiving allows you to protect yourself from being hurt again, possible pain and as if not forgiving give you power of choices.

What is the process of Forgiveness?

The process of forgiveness in a safe environment of your hypnotherapist's office involves a hypnotic session during which hypnotic regression is facilitated by your hypnotherapist with you, in which in hypnosis you are prompted to a imaginary going back in time to the cause through the causative feeling, and bypassing the event itself, just working with the feeling  and reframing the perceptions into positive  through specific hypnotic techniques. This sessions are recommended for all. It is easy and effortless and absolutely beneficial for you just as hypnosis is in general. The session(s) are highly confidential and facilitated by a qualified specialist only. The outcome of one such session can change your life to make it so much better, and make you feel so much lighter as if the weight has been lifted off your shoulders, that had been there your entire life.

Forgiveness - Do It For YOU

Think about this. In all the years you have been harboring resentment and holding grudges, has anyone who hurt you ever once offered you an apology and somehow compensated you for the injury? Have they relieved you pain? Have you come to peace in your heart thinking about that hurt? The good times you missed during the suffering? And all the years you wanted to "make up for it" wanted them to "make it up to you" kept your wounds from healing.

Now you can change this, now you can change the whole life by allowing the peace into your mind and compassion into your heart. Changing yourself for Yourself for the joy, serenity and peace, understanding and laughter, the brighter future, and the better lifestyle. You benefit from it and this is why you forgive.

Why use Hypnosis for Forgiveness?

Hypnosis is the fastest way you can achieve these goals. In talk therapy one can spend years and years, and not achieve a specific result. In hypnotherapy the results are obvious and achievable within weeks. One can learn a few hypnosis techniques and attain the forgiveness on a regular basis as part of healing  cleansing. More about Hypnosis click here.

Forgiveness Is Healing Process

• Healing through forgiveness is a personal process and it is highly influenced by the following:
• specific ways you were hurt
• how you reacted to the injuries
• your present circumstances- both positive and negative aspects of your lifestyle, resources, emotional support and insight, as well as your spiritual preparation and training and experience.
• your own personal vision of your future, your inner peace and your own wishes.

Stages of Healing:

• Denial
• Self-Blame
• Victim play
• Indignation, anger, resentment. Pain, suffering, defensiveness.
• Survivor stage, return to compassion and understanding, sense of humor, regaining your strengths.
• Integration - starting a new life, healing the wounds, letting it go, putting the past into the past.

What Are Feelings?

Feelings are closer to emotions, not thoughts. To a question What do you feel? you answer: "I feel sad, (or lonely) (or angry), etc. and not: " I think it is wrong to do this or that." Emotions are easily distinguished from thoughts if we understand that feelings are our physical reactions to the situations around us, the emotional response.

And the emotional responses could be good or bad. Good feelings are our emotional responses with pleasurable outcome, where our wants and desires are satisfied. Those are happiness, joy, safety, security, peacefulness, pride for yourself, achievement, love. We like the ways of expression of those emotions and the way we feel the corresponding feelings.

However, feeling and emotions are different.

Feelings are showing the way to a real emotion. Emotion can be described as a perception, way of reaction to an event, happening. You may be surprised to know that there is only one emotion - desire, wish. Desire can be described as "I wish" in four basic expressions of emotion. Fear, anger, sadness and joy.

Fear is an expression of a wish to run away from a problem.

Anger is a willful expression antagonistic assertiveness, confrontation, sadness is a wish to change things, and joy is a wish to live.  Think about this, you will understand the inner core of their meaning. 

Let's talk about the bad feelings. Consider the feelings of anger or sadness. Once we can identify the feeling, this means that some want or need has been left unmet. And this calls for an action. We are like a mechanism that needs repair, like a car that needs fuel to run.

Surprise!! - All Feelings Are Good

All Feelings are good because they are given to us to feel something for a reason. They give us a motivation and movement in our behavior.  Let's look at feelings through their unmet needs. Create the emotional stimulation through emotional pain, not pleasure (unlike the "good" feelings). Bad Feelings are these:

Kinds of Feelings and Emotions We Feel

Emotional Pain //Corresponding Un-met Need/Desire

Bored - Unmet need to feel Challenged

Sadness -Unmet need to keep valued people or things

Anger - Unmet need to feel Fairness FOR self/others

Guilt -Unmet need to feel Fairness TO others

Stress -Unmet need to succeed in managing one's life

Fear -Unmet need to feel Safe

Loneliness-Unmet need for a Relationship/closeness

Inadequacy- Unmet need to feel Equal/adequate

Frustration- Unmet desire to meet one's needs

Depression -Unmet need to be hopeful/optimistic/independent of the problem/symptom

What Comes Next ? 

Often we use distracters to move the focus of our attention form the feeling we have toward what MAY make us feel "better", like having a bowl of ice-cream or buying a couple of pairs of shoes, or having a drink. This does not get rid of the feeling and in many cases makes us feel even worse, as ice-cream puts on a few extra pounds when we don't need them, shopping impairs our financial situation adding to feeling bad, and drinking impairs our judgment making us end up with a wrong decision. When the primary feelings are left unattended and the distracters are in place then the consequent feeling of

Frustration

a deep disappointment in all your ability to achieve some positive change which enters your life. When frustration builds up and we loose the capacity to make decisions correctly and eventually loose interest in many things that usually made us feel good in the past,

Through Hypnosis we can enter The Positive Programming stage. The goal here is to correctly identify the feeling we feel initially and correctly categorize it, and then create a positive correct response to the CAUSE, not to the consequent feeling. From the categories listed at the top of the page it is easier to pick out a feeling for this moment when we feel it. In hypnosis such work is highly facilitated. Then we need to identify the source of such feeling. If every time you go to work your head hurts and you feel angry, then work through the day until you find the source (not the direction) of your anger. Perhaps it is a job in itself, rather than your boss, or a co-worker. Then comes the most important step to identify the correct satisfying response. So the process is such "Feeling-Cause-Response" The process can be largely facilitated through hypnosis, as in hypnosis many ways of calculating, analyzing and rationalizing are substituted by relaxed flow of subconscious knowledge coming up to the surface of your thinking. This is why the process becomes so successful and fast.

Case Studies:

Kay was a successful stock broker. She was married for 7 years but during this time was not able to conceive a child she wanted. Her husband was a busy businessman, with three daughters from previous marriage and one of them getting pregnant at the age of 15. Kay had no idea where her frustration stemmed from and continued eating more and more. Initially and through work in hypnosis it was easy for her to determine what the feelings were: she became  stressed in her relationship, felt lonely in her battle with her emotions, and feared for her family stability. Finally, she resolved to learn to relax, learned to manage the life with her husband better, which gave her a feeling of safety and more time in relationship with her husband. She lost weight and relaxed and was able to conceive within 6 months.

 Janice was a very busy marketing director. She practically lives at work. Her eating patterns became destructive to her. She gained weight and felt frustrated. Every night she continued to comfort herself after a hard and emotionally draining day with a bowl of ice-cream in bed before falling asleep, but it did not make her feel any better. Through hypnosis she was able to work her situation, determined the feeling of loneliness, and began working toward creating a ground for her relationship. She had also identified another feeling, guilt, through her being unfair to her daughter through her divorce. She had also had identified a feeling of anger toward her ex-husband, because he left her in a straining financial situation and now she had little time for her small daughter. She started to fear for her job, as her financial situation became progressively worse. Being able to pinpoint the feelings allowed Janice to start work and quickly progress onto a productive re-direction of her energy and her time. Quickly soon after she regained the control in her life and felt much safer and more relaxed.

YOU CAN DO IT TOO

Learning to Reframe Negative Responses Through Identifying the feeling you feel, then identifying the cause of it, the source of it, and then creating the satisfying response to calm this feeling.

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By Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting

Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or loved one much of the time?  Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings?  Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that you can keep score?   If this describes you at all, you better read what I'm about to say and take it to heart.   

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you.   It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health.  It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts.  No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable.   When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life.  You walk around with a low-grade depression.  You can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.   

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not "give in."  To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace.  To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul.  So, you keep your distance.  You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you've drawn.  And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma. 

I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships.  And yet, when they're offered the tools, they can't seem to move forward.  These are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, "Our problems are your fault and you must pay."  As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure.  How very sad.  Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day observe their parents being "right" but "miserable."  What lessons are they learning about love?   

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn't be reading this if it didn't), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  Letting go of resentment can set you free.  It can bring more love and happiness into your life.  It opens the door to intimacy and connection.  It makes you feel whole.  Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge.  The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.   

"All this sounds good," you tell yourself, "but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?"  Good question.  You don't!  Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.  You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner.   But what will happen, is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade.  You will feel happier, lighter, more loving.    And these renewed positive feelings won't go unnoticed.  Others will be drawn to you. 

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling.  It is a decision.  You decide that you are going start tomorrow with a clean slate.  Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.  

As the faithful contemplate Christ's words of forgiveness this Easter, scientists extol the benefits of an outmoded article of faith.

By Elizabeth Large.

To forgive is human. It's just very hard. People are wired to respond with anger, hold grudges and seek revenge; and despite the teachings of Christianity and other religions, victims of wrongdoing usually do all three.

The brother who tormented you when you were little. The spouse who cheated. The terrorists responsible for the September 11 attacks. Why should you forgive them?

Researchers and academics may have an answer, even for those who don't believe the act of forgiveness is good for the soul. In recent years, scientists have become interested in the health benefits of forgiveness. Their studies have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving heart.

The lowest common denominator of this research is the flood of self-help and pop psychology books promoting forgiveness as a cure-all. At the other end of the spectrum, psychotherapists have found forgiveness to be a useful tool in reconciling couples and families. In some studies, it has been linked to an improvement in chronic back pain and depression; in others, to reduced levels of stress hormones. And scientists have found that forgiveness is one of several coping mechanisms that help people with HIV/AIDS live longer, or at least more satisfying, lives.

"The topic of forgiveness is hot right now," says psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, author of How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To (HarperCollins, 2004). "Conferences are being held. Articles are being written. Forgiveness is being plucked out of the spiritual and theological realm and put into the psychological and physical."

Like acupuncture, meditation and other alternative healing strategies, forgiveness has only recently become a respectable topic of scientific studies. In 1990, psychologist Fred DiBlasio, a professor at the University of Maryland, Baltimore, submitted an article to an international scientific journal on his research. The journal was willing to publish it if he would agree to change the word "forgiveness" to "forgetting".

"It was too spiritual for them," says DiBlasio.

But forgiveness, of course, isn't the same thing as forgetting. He didn't make the change.

In his clinical practice, DiBlasio has found that using forgiveness can speed up therapy. Shanae and Fred Murray had one three-hour session with him, and three years later the couple from Pikesville Maryland still characterise it as life-changing.

The Murrays came to him with a 13-year-old problem, the sort of problem that doesn't seem so serious unless you're caught in the middle of it. Shanae was constantly inviting guests over without telling her husband about it. Fred hated not being consulted, and he didn't want to be a good host. The underlying conflict was quietly destroying their marriage.

"It was eating at me," says Fred, who is an only child. As he talked in the session, he realised his feelings could in part be traced back to the time he served in Vietnam. "I had seen so much death, I wanted to be alone. At home, I would close the doors. I didn't realise what I was doing."

As the session progressed, Fred came to understand why Shanae continually put him in unwanted social situations. When she was growing up, there were always lots of people around. After church every Sunday, her mother would invite friends over.

"As a little girl in a large, poor family, (Shanae, one of seven children) took care of the whole family. When her husband saw she was the person who brought people together, he could see it wasn't just against him," explains DiBlasio.

"Talking it through releases you," says Fred. "When you forgive someone, you forgive yourself. You release some baggage."

"Everything is forgivable," adds Shanae. "It doesn't mean you have to forget."

Some patients might not be comfortable with the concept of a forgiveness session, of working towards one person saying the words "I forgive you". The Murrays, members of the Colonial Baptist Church congregation, found it particularly helpful because it fitted so well with their religious beliefs.

Most studies show that people who don't have profound faith have a more difficult time forgiving, says Everett Worthington, executive director of the Virginia-based foundation A Campaign for Forgiveness Research. The author of many books and articles on the subject, Worthington found his own faith tested on New Year's Eve in 1995 when an intruder murdered his mother.

"I'm not an uber-forgiver," he says. "I once held a grudge against a professor, who gave me a B, for 10 years."

But to start the process, he tried to empathise with the assailant: the fear he must have felt when Worthington's mother walked in on him during the robbery; the fact that all the mirrors in the house had been smashed after the attack, suggesting to the psychologist that the murderer couldn't bear his own reflection.

Still, it wasn't until later when Worthington was talking to his brother that he had an epiphany. He had pointed to a baseball bat nearby and raged, "I wish he were here right now".

"Whose heart was darker?" he says now. "I was a 48-year-old forgiveness expert and a Christian. I knew I could be forgiven. Who am I to hold this grudge against this kid?"

Even though the assailant was never caught, Worthington says he has been able to move on.

But isn't moving on possible without forgiveness, simply by letting go of your anger? Based on her research, Lydia Temoshok, director of the Behavioral Medicine Program at the Institute of Human Virology at the University of Maryland, says no. "It's letting go, and I forgive you. It's something about that added component. Then you close the circle. It's not just stopping something, but starting a new pattern."

She works with HIV/AIDS patients, which, she says, can involve a lot of forgiveness. Do they forgive people for not accepting them? Do they forgive the person who infected them? Do they forgive themselves? Do they forgive science for not having a cure?

The program's preliminary work suggests that forgiveness lowered the stress hormones that in turn affect the immune system, but only when the patients forgave the ones they blamed.

However, Jeffrie Murphy, author of Getting Even: Forgiveness and Its Limits (Oxford University Press, 2003), argues we shouldn't condemn those who choose not to forgive. He worries, for instance, about the abused wife who forgives and is then beaten again.

"Forgiveness can be a great blessing, but it should be used selectively," he says. "The forgiveness crowd is always saying that forgiveness will give you closure. But also seeing (offenders) get what they deserve can bring closure."- Baltimore Sun

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The best way to do this is to move on. Find something immediate that you can do, that can take your mind off of what is happening. In the long run, however, you need to be able to address the issue. Disappointments do happen. You can get rejected without it being the end of the world. Something can go missing, but you will find it. Not many things can actually run away. Beyond that, it is important to look at the big picture. When something happens that doesn't go your way, move on. If you don't get a job, start looking for another one. If you can't get the girl, then move on and ask someone else out. These aren't easy things to do, but they are essential.

If you can keep moving forward, then you can accept that things might not be going your way but things can get better. Disappointment happens but it is a temporary condition. Turning things positive will be a benefit in both the short and long run.

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Because of the pain, we may be tempted to avoid the reality of life through resistance and denial. Something bad happens, and we look the other way. We pretend that we don't have a problem when we do - "It's not my problem the sales figures have collapsed," "I'm not upset she's left, good riddance." But the problem doesn't just go away, and neither do our suppressed feelings - they build up and fester inside, causing anxiety, tension, depression, and a host of stress-related problems. The emotional energy these suppressed feelings create eventually drives you to behave in ways you don't like or understand, and which you cannot control.

Another way of avoiding reality is through exaggeration. This is when you make the situation out to be worse than it is, to justify your resistance. Whenever anything mildly unpleasant happens, you start imagining all the bad possibilities of what may go wrong, as if they were real and already happening. So of course you cannot face up to this and you 'blow up' or lose your temper to relieve the pressure of the accumulated emotions. This can feel good because it puts the feeling into action - but it doesn't change the reality of the situation that you are still not confronting.

A third common way to cope with feelings is by attempting to avoid the issue altogether by attending instead to distractions - by talking, watching TV, eating, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, having sex, etc. But despite our attempts to escape them, the real issue and our feelings about it are still there - and still take their toll in the form of stress.

But there is another option for handling a feeling - you can focus on it, fully experience it, and then let go of it: release it, discharge it, as we described in lesson 10. Release requires acceptance; acceptance occurs when we no longer resist - no longer look at things in terms of black and white, no longer judge. When we tap into our capacity for unconditional love, including love for ourselves.

Whenever you are experiencing any kind of discomfort, you are resisting the fact that some person, situation, or thing is the way it is. You may be doing so unconsciously and automatically, but nonetheless, all suffering, all discomfort, all pain, comes from not allowing what is to be what it is. If you could be totally nonresistant to what is, life would flow easily and happily, without discomfort, no matter what the external circumstances.

This does not mean you can't take action in order to make things different. It just means that when faced with something that is the way it is, and cannot be changed, you do not, as a result, suffer over it.

Do what you can to create what you want, but don't become attached to the outcome; that way your level of well-being can remain the same, regardless of the outcome. Your happiness comes from inside, not from what does or does not happen around you.

When you want to change yourself or help others to change, you need to gather information, the noticeable parts of a problem, the symptoms one is uncomfortable with. This is the present state.

There will also be a desired state: an outcome that is the goal of change. There will be the resources that will help to achieve this outcome and also side effects to reaching it, for oneself and others. There will of course be the barriers and difficulties. But if it is a worrisome problem and not simply an interesting challenge, there will also be underlying reasons that create it as a problem: what does the person keep having to do that maintains the problem, and why? What is not being faced up to? These causes are inevitably to do with resistance, the denial or exaggeration of a reality, and the suppression of accompanying emotions.

The element of conflict is intrinsic to problems and the trick of solving them is to be able to spot the counter element to one's own intention, and to recognize that one does indeed have a causative contribution to the situation, otherwise it would not be intention versus counter-intention - a problem! The 'solution' to the problem is simply a realization of the structure of the problem itself. To accept and no longer resist the honest truth of the reality of the situation. To recognize the denial or exaggeration that has been going on, and the emotional attachment to an outcome. The emotional charge or confusion of the problem will then drop away, and appropriate actions may be taken.

The amount a person suffers in their life is directly related to how much they are resisting the fact that "things are the way they are," because they are not as they are "supposed to be." Attachment to things being different than they are needs to be "upgraded" to a preference. This means that when "what is" is not what you want, you do not suffer over it (get angry, sad, fearful, anxious, and so on), and your happiness and peace are therefore not controlled by forces outside of your control. You then have the clarity needed to much better be able to actually improve the situation.

Practical
As you go about your day, notice when you are feeling resistance or feel that what is happening is not acceptable to you. Then switch your viewpoint to: "I'd prefer it to be different but I can accept this as a starting point, really it's OK." See what you learn about yourself and if it actually empowers you to be both happier and more effective.

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Getting over a relationship break up

Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up. However, many do not know that no matter how long the relationship, you do not need to spend months to years reminiscing and crying about the loved one who you've lost. Although the path to completely moving on from your past partner can only totally be cured by time, there are many ways to speed it up and help you move on with a lighter heart.

The first and most important part of a break-up is to force yourself to let go. Even if you want to stay friends with your past partner, now is not the time. It will only make it harder for you to interact with him/her or perhaps hear news of his/her latest romantic interests in the time period that you are trying to get over him/her. S, no matter how much you may want to talk to them, you need to very nicely let them know that you will need some space until you are ready to be friends again, if you even want to stay friends. From this point on you must stop asking your friends questions about your ex, or tell them ahead of time not to discuss him/her around you no matter how much you may persist. You must also force yourself to stop reminding yourself of the past relationship by looking at momentos of the relationship such as old letters, pictures, or any gifts your ex may have given you. For now, take all those and put them in a safe place, preferably one where you won't have easy access to them until you are truly ready to look at them again without having to deal with your own aching heart. The point here is that you can't begin to overcome the break-up if you're still holding on to the past partner or relationship.

The second step to allowing yourself to move on is to ask yourself the reason for your pain. Avoid easy and simple answers such as you loved him/her or he/she was a great person. Delve deeper and analyze yourself to really discover what is making you so incredibly sad. Try making a list if his/her good and bad qualities and a list of the good and bad qualities of your relationship. For instance, are you upset because you really miss your ex, or because you do not want to be alone? Truly understanding what you miss so much will help you to focus your energies on exactly what you wish to overcome.

Another important step that you must maintain throughout the entire process of overcoming the break-up is to keep yourself busy! Do not allow yourself the time to sit around and brood. Start exercising, go out with friends, take up a hobby and get involved in it, because as long as you're not doing something, you're not helping yourself. Keeping busy is one of the most effective ways to keep your mind off of your past relationship. So get up, get yourself out there and force yourself to start having some fun!

Now I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one's saying move on to a serious relationship right away, but it's time to start thinking about dating again as well! Start looking at other possible romantic interests and try a couple of casual dates. Don't lock yourself up in your room and shun all the other possibilities that are out there waiting for you! Besides, seeing new people will keep your mind off your ex as long as you don't start comparing them to him/her. Stay open-minded and you should be over them much sooner than you expected!

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Processes

This is a difficult conclusion to be reached. Driven by a desire to be accepted and to get other needs met, many times we hope that the person will change his/her mind and have us back. Thus, on certain occasions we demonstrate a reluctance to end a bad relationship.  However, it is usually best to expect that the relationship is over in order to begin to heal and move on in one's life. 

Closure in the relationship might come in an honest talk with your ex-partner where you have the opportunity to express your feelings and opinions about the relationship.  It also allows you to receive feedback from this person. 

It may also be useful to write a letter to the person where you can express your feelings uncensored and then perhaps re-write the letter until it fits the message that you want to give.  Letter writing allows you the opportunity to express your ideas without being initially refuted by your ex-partner. 

2. Understanding why it ended 

I believe that we all look for meaning in our relationships including why they went wrong.  You may seek an explanation from your ex-partner; however, you must accept that sometimes he or she can not give you one.  The answers ultimately have to come from within you.  Take a step back and look at the relationship realistically and accept your role as well as your partner's in the breakup.  Asking yourself if you were truly happy in the relationship can be useful in understanding why it ended. 

***  You need to avoid falling into the "if only" and " what if" trap. This trap leads to constantly replaying in your head parts of the relationship and imagining how things would have been if you did not behave in a certain way.  Although it is important to learn from your mistakes, it is self-defeating to get stuck in the past. 

 Some of the "if onlys" and "what ifs" are: 

If only I would have not nagged him or her so much.

What if I would have showered her with more affection?

If only I would have given him more space.

What if I would have avoided bringing up my concerns with her?

If only I would not have been so needy. 

We can learn from our relationships, but sometimes we may magnify our faults when we are rejected in a relationship. 

3. Grieving the loss 

Distinguish where various feelings are coming from: sadness, anger, guilt, or hopelessness. 

Give yourself outlets to mourn àà write in a journal, talk with a friend or family member, talk with a counselor, take quiet walks. 

4. Directing your energies elsewhere 

A break-up can mean that your current life is going to change greatly. Also, future dreams may feel destroyed by the break-up.  These feelings are temporary, although painful.  

 Places your energy may now move towards àà  

Other relationships, academics, job, spirituality, exercise, volunteer work, entertainment (i.e. concerts, plays, sports), various forms of artistic expression. 

*** Overgeneralizing – a tendency to take one example and apply it to all other cases.  You need to be careful to avoid stereotyping males and females after a breakup. For example, for a while you may think all guys are "players".  Another example might be a woman who was nice early in the relationship but mean later; thus, all women are bound to show their true colors. 
 

*** "I want to be just friends." Is this really possible now, sometime in the future, or ever?

Questions you should ask yourself about being a friend with an ex-partner

*** The person who broke up with you may pressure you to accept your new role as a friend. He/she may indicate that you do not care about him or her if you do not accept this role immediately.  Realistically, it may take some time.  You were rejected by this person and will have to work through a host of questions to determine if you want to hold the status as a "friend".  Remember, if the person really cares about you he/she will be patient when you are in the process of making this decision.  

5. Dealing with Rejection 

Having someone break up with you can have a real negative effect on your self-esteem.  It can also lead to negative emotions such as sadness and anger.   

Being kind to yourself is important at this time. Remember the old saying, "if you don't like yourself no one else should like you." Schedule pleasurable activities, pamper yourself, and especially avoid isolating oneself. Try not to generalize this rejection to potential future partners.  Avoid negative statements such as I must be too fat, stupid, ugly, or not deserving of a romantic relationship. 

Listing the positive and negative qualities about your ex-partner may help you be more realistic about the person. Remember, our memories make liars of all of us.  When someone breaks up with us, we tend to reminisce about the person's positive traits and forget about the negative.

Negative ways to deal with a break up

Isolating yourself. (Isolation can lead to negative obsessing about the relationship and the world in general) 

Drinking heavily or abusing other drugs to forget or squash negative feelings; thus, not processing these negative feelings in a healthy manner. 

Jumping into another relationship to regain your self-worth.  

Listening excessively to sad songs or watching too many sad movies can be unhealthy.  These forms of media can help you mourn the loss, but too much of these activities can lead you to feel depressed. 

6. Growing emotionally from the experience