Take the example of a father who needs to tell his son it is time to go to bed, and no, he can't watch the rest of the film on TV, he needs to sleep and be up in time for school. The boy is angry and resentful and reluctantly goes to bed, feeling little love for me even though my action was based on my love and care for him.

There is a principle here: another's choices and creations (which includes their emotional responses) are their responsibility, not yours or anybody else's. In the same way that jealousy is less than love, since it resents the other's freedom to choose, to be themselves. This might seem like a cold or hard-hearted view but really it is based on love and respect for the other person's freedom.

So what is your responsibility? What if you do something wrong. Take this example: I promise my son to go to the circus with him, but then I'm too busy and don't have time to go, and he is understandably upset. For me, breaking my promise has been a wrong action on my part, and I would be responsible for it.

The conventional wisdom is that I have caused my son's grief. In truth however, it is my son who causes his grief, not me. But yes, it was still be a wrong action since I promised to take him to the circus and didn't. I am responsible for doing what I think is right, according to my ethical judgment. If I do something wrong according to my own ethics, I am responsible for that. I decided my work was more important than keeping my promise - in retrospect I may realize I made a mistake, apologize to my son and learn from that experience. I am not responsible for my son's reactions though, that is his determinism, his freedom, his life.

If you do something you think is right and someone gets upset about it, even if you could have predicted that, the upset is nevertheless that person's responsibility. And if you do something you know (or later realize) is wrong and another person is upset about that, their upset is similarly their own responsibility.

Another example: if you were to withhold doing personal development because your partner has said they do not want you to change in any way, perhaps because of their personal fears and insecurities, that is your choice. But if you consider making a better life for yourself is the ethical thing to do - for the benefit of yourself and ultimately for others too - and you tell your partner that and she gets upset, it is your partner who is responsible for the upset - it is her interpretation of your actions that creates her own upset, not your action in itself, which is a responsible action.

You can genuinely love someone whilst nevertheless doing something they don't like or agree with. You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do, though you still understand and have empathy for their different viewpoint (which causes their emotional reaction) which they have created by their own choices and belief system.

If one only did things others can easily accept then the status quo would never progress. That would truly be a trap. The solution here is better communication, leading to increased understanding of each other's viewpoint, and therefore acceptance of the differing personal realities.

There is a strong imprint in our culture to feel sad, guilty, etc. for painful emotions our actions may cause to others. There's a general misconception that you are your emotions. "I am angry" and "you make me angry". This is conditioning not truth. In terms of cause and effect, it's a viewpoint at effect. Some say that to be happy, only do what others can easily experience - it's the same lie.

The Church teaches "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you". I believe this IS true, as if you are being ethical - acting from integrity, being true to your self - then it's going to be OK for others to do the same to you. And if it isn't then you'd better re-think whether you are indeed doing the right thing. It is one definition of a 'wrong' action: that which you would not like another to do to you.

You are responsible for your choices, decisions and actions. For being true to your judgment. For communicating with honesty and integrity, developing and maintaining an open mind, and promoting understanding and empathy. For never compromising your freedoms and rights nor trampling on another's. For always acting from the primary motivation of love. That's all and quite enough.

Practical
Look at some experiences you have had and perhaps see them in a different light. Times when somebody was upset and you felt it was your fault. Separate the right and wrong actions you made from the interpretation the other made, based on which they were upset. If you made a mistake, learn from that - if their interpretation was faulty, realize that is their responsibility, their freedom.

Look at times when you were upset and you felt it was their fault. Realize that you created your emotional reaction, and that their actions were based on their own understanding (or misunderstanding) of the situation. If they were mistaken, forgive them.

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Marriage and love relationships used to be functional. Today they are "affectional". You used to love one another because you needed each other, and now you need each other only because and as long as you love each other.

• You must learn that love and individuals both have their limitations.

• Second marriages, for example, are often a much stronger love than the first marriage.
  

  The old myth that there was only one love for each person has brought much devastation to many people over the years.
  

• The idea that if you just marry that certain someone it will cure all your problems is a very cruel hoax.

  The idea that all you have to do is find them and they will do the rest will get you nowhere

• You can certainly meet some other you can love more.

However, you have expectations which no one person is ever going to be able to fulfill - no matter how kind, understanding and loving an individual they turn out to be.

• If your relationship does not deliver all the levels you expected, then the negative gap opens and degenerates, a gap that widens as you find that what you expected and what you actually see and feel are two different things.

You need to stop dreaming the impossible dream and having impossible expectations of utopia. Instead you wind up disillusioned, disappointed and crushed by the whole thing. You erroneously feel that your expectations were realistic, but you just had the wrong person.

• This myth is very painful to give up. Reality intrudes.
• The old fairytale where the magic mate appears at the last moment and solves all the problems and they live happily ever after just does not work out in actuality
• This has all been reinforced now with TV commercials, advertising, movies, all, in fact, escapes from reality.

• They each blame the other and the dreamers go back to their fairyland world, since they failed to change their lover into the imaginary person they expected.
• You must not surrender your ability to feel and to act. If you surrender to the 'one and only' theory, you subordinate your will.
• You lose touch with your real self because you are afraid if you act on your sentiments, you will, in fact, lose your "one and only."
• You stop being your real self.

You need to develop self-assertion, self reliance, self­development and interest. A realistic lasting love is a " we" feeling.

• You must learn that love and individuals both have their limitations.
• To learn to realize the limitations takes real maturity on your part.

You must learn to love life, to learn to grow and change. When you learn to love life, to love growth and aliveness in general, love children, love ideas, and to love a man or woman, you find you can love many things and many times.

• Love and love again; with mature, realistic "expectations".

Our character is formed by the choices we repeatedly make, and by the choices we determine not to repeat.

I like the old Russian saying: “A fool learns from his own mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.” I also like the definition of insanity I once heard: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over—and expecting different results each time.

But let’s face it: We don’t all start out in life with parents who have a clear view of how to help us develop good character. They may have meant well, but for the most part they were “winging it.”

So we enter into life with characters that are unevenly developed. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Life will supply us with the lessons we need to strengthen the weak areas of our character.

The biggest asset we can have in facing these challenges is a clear realization that building character is the purpose of human life. We are working at it every moment of our existence here, and it’s the only thing we take with us when we leave.

So, if we live consciously, recognizing that the core of our purpose in life is to build and refine our own character through the way we treat ourselves and others, we can avoid the insanity trap of doing the same mistaken things over and over while expecting things to change.

All these things apply to women as well as to men. But men usually have the greater hurdles to get over in order to resist letting their character slump.

Just as a potential Olympic champion must continually strive to exceed his own best, and needs good coaching to do it, so a man needs to strive to exceed his own best, and needs good coaching to do it.

The model I've adopted and advocated is this: Every man is born a Hero, and every wife is his natural coach. (My book, "Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach," develops this fully.)

In marriage, one of the main jobs of the Coach is to help the Hero build his character by showing him that he is making the same mistakes over and over, and that there are alternatives that will give him more of what he wants.

That’s what every good coach does for their hero, but it is a difficult job. No one wants to be told they can do better. But getting this coaching is part of the Hero’s quest.

Some growth and improvement will happen in the course of overcoming challenges, but the character-building process can be accelerated by becoming conscious of it.

Character has something in common with the weather: Everyone talks about it, but few people do anything about it. So my goal in this section is to focus your attention on what you can do in the realm of character improvement with the help of wisdom capsules in the form of quotations.

Face it: If you are not entirely happy with your life, you need to change something. Waiting for change while doing the “same ol’ same ol’” is futile.

The most important self-improvement project in your life—it runs in parallel with everything else you do, have done, or will do—is the purposeful construction of your character.

William James, in a talk to teachers on “Habit,” said, “We are stereotyped creatures, imitators and copiers of our past selves. What we become is not the result of a single act, but of the cumulative decisions and actions of our lives.”

Beryl Markham, 20th-century English adventurer and author, wrote, “If a man has any greatness in him, it comes to light, not in one flamboyant hour, but in the ledger of his daily work.”

Jenny Craig, of weight-loss fame, said it well: “It’s not what you do once in a while; it’s what you do day in and day out that makes the difference.”

The word “character” comes from a root word that means, “engraving tool.” That’s why the (Random House) dictionary definition of “character” is: “The aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of a person or thing; moral or ethical quality; qualities of honesty, fortitude, etc.; integrity; reputation.”

Of course, one can develop a bad character. But that’s no accident either.

From the point of view of physics, qualities of character—good and bad—are highly organized; they are not arbitrary arrangements of traits. They do not occur spontaneously or accidentally; they are found only in those who repeatedly choose to act in certain ways, and not to act in other ways.

No designer expects to produce a great design without a plan; in fact, “plan” and “design” have similar meanings. To produce great character, in yourself or in others, you must have a plan.

Philosopher John Stuart Mill said, “A character is a completely fashioned will.” To develop good character, we work on our will. We exercise it according to our choices, and we are responsible for the outcome.

Our life is like driving a car. If we close our eyes and take our hands off the steering wheel, we are still responsible for where the car goes—and will bear the consequences of our choices. And be aware of your motives. President Woodrow Wilson offered this caution:

"If you will think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself. Character is a by-product, and any man who devotes himself to its cultivation in his own case will become a selfish prig."

This is why most wifely coaching consists of reminding a man to do his duty to others. As he does this, his character develops beauty and strength with minimum effort.

That is why—in our nation’s earlier history, when character was more universally taught, understood, and worked on—it was a common saying, “Behind every great man stands a good woman.” In our more cynical age, that became the humorous, “Behind every great man stands a surprised mother-in-law.” But if the man is truly great, the mother-in-law will not be surprised; she will know her daughter coached him to greatness.

There’s a Chinese saying about thoughts, “You can’t stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair.”

Character development begins with your thought life. Thoughts do not just “happen” to you; they are under your control. Identify the thoughts you want to think, and refuse to entertain others. When negative thoughts pop up, have a set of memorized antidote thoughts—your chosen beliefs, an encouraging song, or a recounting of your blessings—to which you can turn your attention. After a while turning from negativity and ugliness becomes automatic.

By taking control of your thoughts, you ultimately control the formation of your character. Tryon Edwards (great-grandson of Jonathan Edwards, the well-known New England preacher of Colonial times) expressed it neatly, “Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.”

Men: You already know what good character is; you know it when you see it. Few will contest that it includes honesty, promise-keeping, integrity (that is, having all your thoughts, words, and deeds bear the same message, even when no one’s looking or listening), loyalty, virtue, and love.

Do these words describe your character? If not, where are you falling short? If you examine yourself, you’ll find you have wrong habits in that area. To improve your character, isolate those habits, and plan to change them. Then enlist help: Your Coach will be your greatest aid.

Aristotle wrote, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” You have the power to change your life.

Fears and Relationships

In our work with singles and couples, we often hear people express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.

When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.

These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.

If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!

And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.

These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.

If, however, we choose love instead of fear, responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.

What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.

Personal Boundaries

WHAT THEY ARE

The concept of "boundaries" relates to our sense of self.

At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real sense of who they are.

When we see a baby in their mother's arms, we see two people - the child and the mother. But the baby notices no difference, no division, no boundary between themselves and their mother.

A newborn is "one" with their mother.
As life goes on, the child notices where their skin ends and their mother's skin begins. This is our first "boundary," and the beginning of our "sense of self."

When our boundaries are crossed we are naturally furious at the invasion because we know we could lose our sense of who we are.

WHAT GOES WRONG

Obviously, if a mother doesn't hold her child enough and is unable to bond with them, boundary problems and problems related to sense of self will abound.

But things can go wrong in later childhood and in adult life too.

When they do, it is usually either because someone treats us like they OWN us or, paradoxically, like they DISOWN us.

BEING "OWNED"

The worst example of being owned is physical or sexual abuse. People who treat us in these ways are insisting that they own our very bodies.

We can also lose our sense of self in less severe but more constant ways. Some people never hear anything from their parents or partners except orders and complaints. "Do this!" "Do that!" "You didn't do that well enough!"

Constant exposure to such treatment can shatter boundaries and the sense of self.

BEING "DISOWNED"

Paradoxically, being treated like we are not there can also cause boundary and self problems.

Beware of anyone who is so preoccupied with their own ego and their own life that you sometimes wonder if they even know you are there. This can kill your sense of self too.

ABOUT FEELING CONNECTED

The saddest thing about boundary problems is that the people who have them can feel "too close" (afraid they'll lose themselves), and "too far" (very lonely), but they can seldom feel safely in between or "connected" with others.

THE DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

People whose boundaries are weak also tend to violate the boundaries of others.

If you don't know that you have boundaries that must be respected, then you also don't know that other people have boundaries you must respect.

THE WAY OUT

First of all, people with these problems should get therapy. This is too difficult for you to do completely on your own.

THERAPY CAN SUPPORT YOU WHILE YOU LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOURSELF:

1. Learn to identify even the most subtle ways you violate the boundaries of others. Become excellent at noticing when people "back away," emotionally and physically. When they do, you can be pretty sure you have just crossed their boundaries.

2. Once you become accustomed to noticing the boundaries of others, begin to notice that you have many of the same boundaries yourself!

3. Learn how to object whenever any of your boundaries are crossed, even in the smallest ways and even by people with the kindest intentions.

4. Test various ways to of telling people when they cross your boundaries. Allow yourself to make mistakes while you learn (by sounding either too angry or too nice). Experiment. Notice what works and what doesn't. With close friends who might understand, you might even tell them that you are learning about protecting yourself (so they can understand why you are acting differently toward them).

5. Keep reminding yourself: "People need my permission before they cross my boundaries!"

6. Remind yourself also: "Nobody should ever help me unless I ask them to!"

If people have constantly crossed your boundaries, it may seem unfair to say that you have to stop crossing their boundaries first. It IS unfair!

But if you've been taking such treatment for many years the sad truth is you may not even know what boundaries you are entitled to have! And the best way to learn this is to focus on the boundaries of the people around you.

As you catch yourself violating the boundaries of others, don't pick on yourself. Remember, you are just now beginning to learn about all of this.

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The pattern is all too common. One moment your relationship is riding a wave of warmth, love and intimacy. But the next moment coldness, anger and blame creep in.

What is happening? Is it something that signals a serious underlying problem, or is it just the natural ebb and flow that accompanies the cycles of love?

Often we are too close to really understand what we're going through. But we recognize that we need help. But then, just as we decide to move in that direction, we decide to put it off. This yo-yo pattern repeats itself and we are once again at a loss to explain what is going on.

How do you know when your love life is on a crash course? For starters, there are common signs that can be clues. Once you identify them, you're on the road to better understanding.

The common signs of a troubled relationship are:

1. Decrease in sexual passion
2. Bickering
3. Avoidance
4. Jealousy
5. Depression
6. Less time spent together
7. Anxiety
8. Dependency
9. Manipulation of family members

1. Decrease Sexual Passion

There is a natural waxing and waning of passion that occurs in every relationship, but what we're talking about here is something else. While stress, fatigue and other pressures can creep between the sheets, there is no place for anger. When you find yourself shut down to your partner's advances, it's time to pay attention.

2. Bickering

In order for your love to stay fresh and healthy, you must be able to talk about both simple and complex feelings. When bickering replaces conversation, nothing gets addressed and nothing gets resolved. Instead, tension builds and a power battle takes over. Anger and blame follow.

3. Avoidance

Like it or not, straight talk is healthy. Without it, you will lose your boundaries and values. We all have to stand up for something even when it is not received the way we had hoped. Real differences in a partnership don't have to cause problems, especially when they are explored with respect. When you remain silent and stoic, and keep everything below the surface, repressed feelings become part of a toxic brew. Eventually they take on a life of their own.

4. Jealousy

You have to be careful about this warning sign. It's confusing. Jealousy is a complicated emotion. It can mean many different things. The type of jealousy I'm referring to is unfounded jealousy, not jealousy that comes from watching a flirtatious partner about to make a conquest. Unfounded jealousy is something that appears without warning and disturbs the equilibrium of a relationship. This type of jealousy appears out of nowhere and can have little to do with infidelity. It is often a reflection of the loss of self- esteem and a deep sense of insecurity on the part of either you or your partner.

5. Depression

I have seen many people come into my office with depression. For the most part, they can't figure out why they are feeling like this. They say they have a good life, and a solid relationship. But as they talk, they realize that many things are missing in their love life, things they don't want to look at. Why? Because they fear that if they face the truth, that ultimately, they might wind up alone. They think they are better off not knowing. But in order to break the cycle of depression, one must be honest. As one patient told me, "Truth is my friend, it will guide me in a good direction."

6. Less Time Spent Together

When is enough time together enough? Well, that depends a lot on your needs. Finding the balance between love, responsibility and other demands creates a continuous juggling act. We all experience that. But an abrupt shift in shared time patterns could be a warning sign that something is out of whack. Too much separation and not enough shared activities can create a void, making intimacy difficult to experience.

7. Anxiety

I think of anxiety as a warning sign in much the same way that I think of depression. A sudden increase in anxiety or a change in sleep patterns can indicate that there is an unresolved issue lurking in your unconscious that needs to be exposed. Since relationships are so important in life, there's a big chance that anxiety is a red flag indicating that some aspect of your partnership needs to be examined.

8. Dependency

When you're too dependent, the fundamental partnership is out of balance. If there's too much dependency, a natural resentment brews. One person is likely to feel burdened, the other frightened by their neediness. It's a "no win" situation. Equality is tossed out the window. The one in power often feels unappreciated and undervalued. The needy one frequently feels disappointment. Resentment grows and both partners feel judged.

9. Manipulation of Family Members

When you begin to manipulate and clutch at your children or others, your partner can easily be marginalized. A wedge can occur. Low-level family warfare can result. This can happen not only with children but with other family members, friends and even business colleagues. The result is that you and your partner are at odds.

I recognize the problem, now what can I do about it?

Relationships are enormously complex. There are no easy answers. Sometimes it may feel that it is too late, but in my practice, I've watched relationships flourish on very parched soil. Most issues can be resolved by honest dialogue and open conversations -- conversations that require you to leave all your "ammunition" behind.

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 Looking for a partner or love of our life, can be exciting, challenging and extremely frustrating. If you are truly serious, time spent on yourself, answering the following questions, can lower the risk of frustration and raise the chances of success. 

1. Who are you? Does question excite you, scare you? Most people have never really taken the time to answer this fully. The best way to answer this is your own self-reflection and input from those who know you best. Ask you close friends to help. The importance, of course, is communicating who you are, separate from what you do, to your potential partners.

2. What are your values? This question may seem quite simple, but do not let it go undiscovered. Values come strongly from our families but are refined/changed based on our life experiences. Know your top 5.

3. What do you want from a relationship? Many singles are busy people and have established themselves as independent and self-sufficient. Being clear on what you want allows you to make better decisions. In otherwords, what could be better in your life if you had a partner.

4. What are the barriers you have encountered in the past? Most singles, with some prompting, can discover and name what obstacles that arose in the past? For example intimacy too fast, lack of time for relationship, lack of trust. Knowing these issues can help you plan ahead and avoid "being blind" to situations.

5. Are you living in ways that support you desire? Interestingly, many singles say they want a relationship, yet their actions don't support that. One way is looking at your habits. How many day to day activities bring you in contact with potential partners? What can you do to change your routines? Are you friendly, outgoing when you meet new people?

6. Do you have time allocated for doing this to support the value? Again, most singles are busy people. What time are you going to allot to support your search, meet and get to know new people? Remember 24 hours/day is all we have single or married!

7. What are your non-negotiables for yourself and for a potential partner? What are habits, life style, situations that you could not live with? What are things in your life that you are not willing to give up? Most relationships break up in the first year due to the ignoring of this factor.

8. What are your negotiables for yourself and for a potential partner? This is similar question as above but is more about your own life now. What are you willing to give up to make room for a new relationship.

9. What type of relationship will best serve you at this time? Today, more than any other time in history, we have no real norms. As with negotiables, take the time to think about what you are looking for. Companionship and weekend relationship, marriage, step-parenting or more children.

10. Do you have your dinner/lunch interview ready? This might sound bit corny. However, having met a potential partner, the next step of a more serious conversation is imminent. Being prepared with the knowledge you have gathered from the last 9, as well as communication skills to listen to your "prospect", valuable time can be saved if this dinner conversation is well planned.

This list was created after my own single journey and finding the love of my life as well as coaching many single people to successfully meeting their love of their life!  

About the author: Jennifer Wright is an Occupational Therapist and Personal Single's Coach.

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Widen And Deepen Your Relationships...

Get to the Good Stuff

by Beth A. Tabak

"Get off the surface and deepen your relationships. Go after the buried treasures and reap the rewards." Beth Tabak

Get past the "how are you doing? how's the wife and kids?" with the response being "good, not so good, or fine" to the story behind each person. This is when you develop connection, and people grow from connection. People seek value and want to contribute. Whether you want to increase business, develop your career, gain support, eliminate barriers, create opportunities, or merely relate and be loved; the benefits of widening your inner circle and going deeper are astronomical.

How easy it is to get comfortable with where we are and who we are with. We sometimes close the door to getting to know others around us who could add great value to our lives. Growth is a tremendous part of human life. We grow physically. We grow in knowledge and wisdom. Many of us strive to grow spiritually. We grow in and out of relationships. It seems that when we are growing the more fulfilled we become. When we are not growing we become disconnected, bored, and frustrated. While you may have many good relationships, is it possible that you are missing out on other remarkable experiences because you have relaxed into your comfort zone? Keep in mind that the more connections we have the more opportunities come our way, and the deeper those connections the more stimulating the relationship. So what is the first step?

The first step is to create the best relationship with the only person you are guaranteed to be with for your entire life. Yes, you! You attract relationships which are a reflection of yourself. So if you do not like who you are attracting, then take the time to develop the relationship with yourself. Take pride in all that you are. When you surrender and let go of all the things you think you should be, you begin the fascinating journey of being who you are meant to be. When you except yourself for all that you are...strengths and weaknesses...you can except others in the same way. You expend less energy when you are authentic, yet you are more likely to have a profound impact on others. When you take full responsibility for your own happiness you remove the burden from others of fulfilling those expectations. This lightens the relationship enabling it to blossom.

What do I mean by widening? As people come and go in and out of our lives they teach us valuable lessons. The more good relationships you have in your circle, the more you set yourself up to have an abundance of support. We could all use that...huh? You open the door for more opportunities to come your way. Behind every opportunity is a human being. I have no doubt that my divorce became easier because of the reserves of friendship I have. I can only imagine how hard it would have been if I felt alone.

Recently a few of my friends informed me of their intentions to move. While saddened by the news, I realized that I have become so comfortable with my inner circle that I have not been taking that extra step to open the doors to new friendships. When we first moved in I made it a priority to get to know everyone in the neighborhood, and have been blessed by those relationships for over 6 years. Thus came the idea for this article. I realized that I am missing out because I have become so comfortable. I am quite certain that I am not alone. Yet in my business where I am focused on spreading my wings I continue to be blessed with support and new opportunities...hmmm. So consider widening your circle. Reach out and add a new relationship. Notice how you grow from the connection.

Allow me make a request that you can accept or reject. Try taking your relationships to a deeper level, and see what happens. This is not about digging up your deep, dark secrets so don't get nervous. Many of us don't pry because we were raised with the saying "don't be nosy". However, it is natural to be curious. One way to gain access to wisdom is by asking "what" questions. "What" questions are a great way to open up an interesting conversation. What was your most incredible experience? What is the most interesting tidbit about your family? What was the best advice you ever received? Another phrase to use is "tell me about...". Tell me about your home town. Tell me about how you chose your profession. We often bobble on the surface like a beach ball because it is just easier, and never realize the treasures that lie below the surface.

Seek the story behind each person and grow from the connection. Get to the good stuff... Starting Now! 

About the author: Beth Tabak is a Business & Life Coach, columnist, & owner of Starting Now. She is 100% committed to coaching small business owners and professionals to grow beyond limits, and create the business and life they keep thinking about.

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The bad habit of emotionally holding ourselves hostage is unfortunately quite common. Why do people trap themselves into feeling certain feelings and continue to do things they know are bad for them and make them feel low about themselves? It varies for everyone. In order to set yourself free, you first need to understand and learn why you are holding yourself hostage.

Begin by paying attention to the emotions you feel when you are living the moments of your self-dictation, along with acknowledging what subjects play the role in attracting you into preventing yourself from being free and moving forward. Do you like feeling sorry for yourself? Do you feel the need to put yourself in situations that will make you feel badly afterwards? What about doing anything, harmful things both physically and mentally, just to be accepted in society? If this rings a bell to you, then you are suffering from Victimization Addiction, which means exactly the way it sounds- you are addicted to victimizing yourself. This addiction is not really the true issue however. The real problem is what lead you to this addiction and the way it has made you feel about yourself.

When you are experiencing a time when you hold yourself hostage, make a real effort to stop at that very point. When you do so, examine yourself emotionally and ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself. What event in your life influenced this behavior and attitude towards yourself? Keep in mind that the reason could trace all the way to an incident that happened during your childhood years, so be prepared to take a little journey back in time. A good example for explaining this method would be a person who constantly places themselves in relationships they know are bad for them- Relationships in which their lovers will take advantage of them, abuse them both emotionally and physically, and someone who will value them in no way. Why would someone purposely put himself or herself through this pain? Well, there are various answers to that question, but let us say that is this person had a childhood where he or she was a regular witness to the fights and abuse their parents inflicted on each other. Perhaps their father hit their mother when he was angry and their mother would deal with it by having affairs. This child then grew up believing that this behavior is normal and acceptable and should be tolerable. This would be the root of the problem and reason to why he or she victimizes himself/herself today.

This is what you need to do, find the root and true reason of why you are holding yourself hostage from being the person you are really meant to be, as well as live the life you are capable of living. Setting yourself free is definitely challenging and there will be times you will want to give up and just live a world of victimization. You might feel guilty about a mistake you have made and cannot forgive yourself for it, believing you deserve to feel horrible all the time, regardless of how much forgiveness you may received from another person. When this is the case, you need to learn to fight the mind tricks that are played on you. Gain your power of control back by telling yourself that the experience you feel badly about did happen, but is now over. You feel regret for it, but have also learned an important lesson from it, making you a better person. These are the things you must give your time to, to the positive things. Give yourself the credit you deserve and fight the temptation in going back to that painful memory that will force you to keep reliving it.

If the root comes from an event that occurred in your childhood, then you are in no way at fault for what happened- especially if it involves your parents. Your only responsibility as a child was to be carefree, enjoy yourself and leave the responsibility and the proper upbringing methods to your parents. Use whatever experience it was as a way to improve the adult life you are living now. Remind yourself on a regular basis of how no one on this earth is perfect and we all make mistakes and life can throw experiences at us that we feel helpless or painful over, but this does not make you any less of a good person. All it means is that life will send obstacles down our paths, and all of these obstacles hold a purpose and are intended to teach you how to be the best human being you can be, and discover the true meaning of your life.

Sometimes going through this process can be too hard to accomplish on your own, and that is perfectly normal and understandable- and does make you a failure. What is does, is make you aware of the fact that you are not alone in this world and therefore should not have to go through difficult periods by yourself. Find support and motivation that works for you. Some suggestions are family & friends, church, support groups, books, and counseling. Take a tour outside and search for what works best for you and what you feel will help you get through this. You can set yourself free...if you really want to. It is all about willpower -so start regaining that strength and use it on the maximum level until you are free and can move forward, moving on to the new and exciting stages that have been waiting for you.

About the Author:

Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert

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When relationships fail, you've got mail

By HELENA OLIVIERO
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

As Charles Dean scrolled through the inbox on his office computer, he eagerly clicked on the e-mail from his girlfriend of two months.

There was no cheery hello to kick off his day or an invitation for lunch. Instead, he stared at a modern "Dear John" letter.

The relationship was over.

The 42-year-old Duluth man was not only stunned by the break-up, but how the news was delivered. There wasn't even a piece of paper to hold that regretful tear or last whiff of perfume.

"It hit me like a slap on the face on a cold winter day and really hurt," said Dean. "That kind of thing really needs to be done in person."

Welcome to love and heartbreak in a computer age. We buy books online. We make love connections online. And we sometimes end them the same way, like deleting unwanted Spam.

But the trend is no fad; all indications point to more people (both men and women) saying goodbye to their relationship in an e-mail. A recent survey by Match.com members found more than half of the 4,000 respondents have experienced at least one end of an e-mail break-up. The phenomenon even made the online dating site's 2003 top 10 list of "influential moments in dating and romance."

Relationship experts say online heartbreakers are a byproduct of our fast-paced life style and our penchant for cost-cutting measures. Millions of people meet on online dating sites and use e-mail to communicate and develop the relationship. Friends use e-mails to stay in touch. Married couples send each other reminders about plans and groceries.

"We live in a throw-away society. Buy that disposable camera from Kodak. Use it once and throw it away," said Salvatore Didato, a psychologist in Scarsdale, New York and author of "The Big Book of Personality Tests." "Now, if you are not happy with a guy, send a three-line memo, push a button and that's the end of him. . . That does not say much about our respect for human beings."

It's particularly disrespectful if the relationship has lived beyond a few casual dates, experts say.

"I don't know what the Seinfieldonian rule would be on the number of dates, beyond which you can't break up by e-mail," said Atlanta psychologist Richard Schultz. "But if you feel emotionally connected to the person and want to preserve a friendship, bite the bullet and do it face-to-face."

Thirty-seven-year-old Scott Sergent of Vinings received the "Let's just be friends" speech in an e-mail in March from a woman he dated briefly. The short e-mail popped up on his screen just days after Sergent had made the woman a home-cooked meal of steak, potatoes and chocolate mousse.

"I would like someone to sit across from me at a table, to look me in the eye, and say whatever," Sergent said.

A few circumstances, however, might justify dumping someone through e-mail: a long distance romance; a relationship started and developed online; a fear of violence during a face-to-face break up; or the inability to follow through with a break-up if it's in person.

If you do decide to ditch electronically, relationship experts say a careful and sensitive approach can ease some of the sting.

Dr. Elizabeth Saenger, a New York psychologist and former owner of a matchmaking company said the message needs to be blunt enough to get the message across but also sensitive enough to show consideration. She said the writer should focus of some of the other person's positive attributes and express hope for their future and finding someone else.

To minimize the pain, Schultz also recommends the person sending the e-mail focus on their own struggles in the relationship.

"Say, 'I don't feel a connection" versus "you aren't capable of giving me what I need'," he said.

Didato reminds writers to check spelling, grammar and punctuation.

"You don't want to add hurt by letting the person think you rattled this off in 30 seconds," he said.

Didato always favors a hand-written letter over e-mail. He said the extra time involved in crafting a letter on paper is a sign of "kindness and consideration."

But Match.com's Trish McDermott believes an e-mail makes more sense in today's world.

"It's just what busy, technology savvy people do these days," said McDermott, VP of Romance for Match.com.

And after the initial shock, there can be an upside to technology.

Sergent was initially hurt over the e-mail that said "There's just no chemistry." But he later saw a bright side.

"At least there was none of that awkwardness when you are next to the person," Sergent said, "and you have to say goodbye."

BREAKING UP BY EMAIL

If you must break-up by e-mail, a few points to consider:

• Sleep on it before hitting send (we are more likely to behave impulsively when emotionally aroused, increasing the possibility of a negative outcome).

• If you hope to turn failed romance into friendship, face-to-face is more likely to get you there.

• These e-mails get passed around. Make sure your communiqué passes the AJC test! (If you're not prepared to see it on the front page, don't send it).

• Have a sound rationale for e-mailing rather than saying it face-to-face. (Don't do it simply out of convenience).

• Make "I" statements to minimize their pain ("I don't feel a connection" versus "you aren't capable of giving me what I need"). Do not use this as an opportunity to practice psychoanalysis.

• If you are open to hearing their reactions to your message, invite them to respond (dialogues tend to hurt less than one way communications).

• To compensate for the absence of facial expressions and other key non-verbals, go out of your way to say how writing this makes you feel ("I feel sad as I write this, but am also thankful for the time we shared").

• (If you are feeling the need to apologize for communicating this via e-mail, then perhaps you shouldn't be)

Source: Dr. Richard Schultz, Atlanta licensed psychologist.

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Anger & Relationships - What You Need to Know

by Allen Thompson

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear,
  but around in awareness. - James Thurber

People get angry when they feel they have been treated UNFAIRLY.

If a person feels he has been treated unfairly he will get angry. If he feels he has been treated fairly, he won't. It's as simple as that.

The important thing here is not what happens to the person, but his "feeling" or "perception" that he has been treated a certain way. Whether he has, in fact, been treated unfairly or not is irrelevant. As long as he thinks he has been treated unfairly he'll get angry... regardless of the situation, the outcome, or what happens to him.

For example, imagine that you had just won $3 million dollars in the lottery. How do you think you'd feel? You're probably thinking euphoric, ecstatic, excited, and very very happy.

But now imagine that the jackpot was actually $300 million dollars - the largest in history. You show up to collect your $300 million and instead receive a check for $3 million. It turns out that the lottery owners "accidentally" lost $297 million last weekend in Las Vegas. How would you feel?

Would you be euphoric, ecstatic, excited, and very very happy? No, you'd be ANGRY! VERY ANGRY! You'd want the $300 million dollars you were promised. You'd feel that you had been treated unfairly.

The outcome is the same in both examples - you get $3 million dollars. The only difference is your perception of how FAIRLY you were treated.

Likewise, I can make fun of your shirt, sleep with your girlfriend, drink all your beer, and kick your dog... but if you think you've been treated fairly, that you somehow deserve all this, then you won't get angry. You'll remain calm and stoic. You may not like it very much, but you won't get angry.

So why am I bringing up the subject of anger?

Because anger, and the management of that anger, plays a very important part in any male-female relationship.

If two people spend any significant amount of time together, eventually there's going to be some anger. A little bit every now and then. It's inevitable. How those two people deal with that anger will determine the course of the relationship.

Will they break up? Will they stay together? Will they repress their feelings and wind up resenting one another? Or will they deal effectively with the anger... and perhaps become even closer as a result?

Let's take a look at a few real-world examples of anger in action... and how to manage our thoughts and behaviors in order to convey that SoSuave, Donjuanish image that we so desire.

Say, for example, your girlfriend is angry with you. Very angry. She's banging pots, slamming cabinets, and giving you the evil eye. If you were like most guys you'd be nervous, irritated, confused, and maybe a little upset yourself. And you'd, very likely, be completely clueless as to what could have set her off. ("Oh, she's upset again. She seems to get upset all the time lately, and for no reason. Must be that time of the month again.")

And, an important point, her anger would most likely fuel your own anger toward her. As you don't understand why she's so mad, you yourself come to feel that YOU are being treated unfairly.

But, of course, YOU are not like most guys - you're a freakin Don Juan. You understand that her anger is caused by her perception that she was somehow treated unfairly (by you, or maybe by someone else). You now know exactly how to resolve the situation.

You can then work to figure out exactly why she feels she's been treated unfairly (if you're really really perceptive) or, more likely, you can simply sit her down (maybe later after she's put down all the pots) and attempt to get to the bottom of the situation.

Now I'm not a big fan of giving conventional advice, and I very rarely suggest using logic with women -- not male logic anyhow. (Remember that women are emotional creatures.) And you should very rarely discuss the "relationship process" with women. For example, never talk about the psychological processes that underlie attraction - such as confidence, independence, mystery, body language, ambition, strength, etc.

But in this instance the old sit-down-and-discuss-the-situation is often your best solution.

However, you're not just going to talk about "feelings" and other girly stuff like that; you're going to educate her as to the psychological constructs which underlie the emotion of anger. You're going to explain the "perception of being treated unfairly" and how this produces anger. And you're going to assure her that treating her unfairly, and thus making her angry, was never your intent.

(INTENT is an important mediator of anger. It's very difficult to maintain anger at someone if treating you unfairly was not their intent.)

Likewise, when YOU are angry... either with her, or even someone else, your understanding of the cause of your anger can help you to more effectively deal with the situation. (Remember, a Don Juan only gets upset or angry when he WANTS to... and he only wants to when it serves a useful purpose.)

For example, if you feel that your lady has somehow treated you unfairly, you can calmly explain the cause of your anger to her. Explain exactly what it is that makes you feel you've been treated unfairly. She, at this point, will most likely apologize, claiming that was not her intent.

She may not even realize that she's doing things that make you angry. But once you point this out, it's her obligation to not do those things anymore (assuming you're not being unreasonable).

Now this may sound like pretty simple stuff, but very often we don't really understand the cause of our own anger.

All we know is that we're angry about what she did, and we're gonna let her know about it. But if you're able to get to the root of why you're angry, what exactly is making you feel like you're being treated unfairly, you can very often RATIONALLY AND CALMLY deal with the situation... rather than making things worse by yelling and screaming.

Now, as a side note, don't make the mistake of confusing REAL ANGER (this article) with FALSE ANGER. False anger does not follow the same rules and does not stem from the same underlying causes.

For example, your lady might get angry and throw a little hissyfit in order to TEST you -- to see how you respond. She wants to find out if you'll be a man and stand up for yourself, or if you'll be a little weenie boy and beg her for forgiveness? (Hint: you don't want to be the weenie boy.)

Or she might become angry simply to add a little drama and excitement to a relationship which has become boring and mundane. As a Don Juan, it's your job to maintain the relationship, to keep the excitement levels high. So if she's resorting to false anger and other drama-inducing behaviors, then you're most likely not doing your job very well. (Or, on the other hand, she could just be a nut!)

Again though, this is not real anger, and the experienced Don can usually identify these situations for what they really are, and respond appropriately.

Anyhow, back to the topic of real anger.

You might be pleasantly surprised at how an understanding of anger can positively impact your life by helping you to better understand your feelings in a variety of situations.

For example, I always get a good chuckle from many of the newbies who visit SoSuave.com and, especially, the Don Juan Discussion Forum.

Many of these guys are angry. They're angry at women. They often feel that women are illogical, stupid, or just plain mean.

They don't understand women... AT ALL.

A newbie often tells a tale of how he did "everything right" with this woman -- complimented her tirelessly, brought her flowers on every date, called her 3 times a day, did anything and everything she wanted, told her he loved her, wrote her poetry, and was, in general, just so so nice to her...

...and then she dumped him for some loser, unemployed jerk who uses and abuses her.

Yes, the newbies are ANGRY!

They feel they've been treated unfairly. That they've done pretty much exactly what women have been saying that they've wanted for decades... and they've been given the shaft as a result.

Of course, when you do everything right with a woman, you expect to be treated very well by her in return. You expect her to like you, to be attracted to you, to want to be around you. And when that doesn't happen, you get angry... because you feel you're being treated unfairly.

But once the newbie has done a little reading -- a few dozen articles, a few hundred tips -- the anger begins to subside. He begins to understand women. He begins to understand the game, the rules, the principles.

He realizes that, NO, he was not doing everything right with the girl who just dumped him. In fact, he was doing most everything wrong... and that's why she lost interest... not because she's stupid, illogical, or an evil, conniving bitch.

And he begins to feel not angry with women, not anymore, but a little stupid, ashamed, and embarrassed about his past behaviors. And he can then, at that point, begins the process of becoming the Don Juan he always wanted to be.

Now let me point out here that anger is not always destructive. In fact, sometimes it can actually serve useful purposes.

Have you ever wondered why some women stay in relationships with abusive men... while other women leave, file charges, or cut peckers off and toss them out car windows? It has a lot to do with anger and the woman's perception that she is either being treated fairly or unfairly.

(Note: we're talking abusive relationships here, not just guys who are jerks.)

The women who stay in these relationships tend to have very low self-esteem. And thus, they don't see the abusive behavior as being unfair treatment. They, for some reason, feel as though they deserve the mental and/or physical abuse. And without that critical perception of unfairness, and without the anger that results, they don't have the necessary motivation to make a change.

On the other hand, women with high self-esteem will get angry when they are treated in an abusive fashion. They don't feel as though the behavior is warranted or fair. And they will take steps to change the situation.

One of the keys to getting a woman out of an abusive relationship is to make her angry, to make her feel as though she's being treated unfairly, and that she deserves better. Once she gets ANGRY, she will then be primed to take the appropriate steps to change her situation.

Now I'd be remiss if I didn't mention to you one other anger tidbit. Let me point out that in some rare instances a display of anger on your part can actually increase a woman's attraction toward you. It can make you look energetic, emotional, confident, forceful, and strong. It can make you look like a man who demands respect and who expects others to treat him well.

But the key here is having complete control over your anger response so as not to say or do something stupid that you'll wind up regretting later.

Don't let anger control you or interfere in your relationships. Take charge. Be a man.

No man who understands the game will ever get dumped for being calm and rational, but plenty will get the boot, or give the boot, when they let anger or other emotional outbursts control their minds and actions.

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Times(http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/27/fashion/sundaystyles/27LOVE.html?oref=login) printed an interesting article about relationship break-ups in this past Sunday’s (11/27) edition. The author, Raya Kuzyk, was quite proud of how she assertively handled a break-up earlier this year. To do this, Raya spent much time in introspection, thoughtfully wrote out her reasons and the justifications thereof and even created graphs and used pictures all to apparently prove her point.

A job well done, Raya…Sorta.

Raya could have saved herself much time, energy and, especially, grief and heartache had she made some guidelines for herself before the relationship got started. Of course she would also need to commit and follow-through with these guidelines and used a support system if she was having trouble following the guidelines. Raya even writes, “A breakup of a higher standard than the one to which I would have been held had I ended our relationship when I first realized we had no future…Technically that would have been from the get-go: Nick was engaged to another woman.”

How did Raya miss that one? Why did she go forward anyway? What was she thinking? What did her friends tell her?

This is, however, the day and age of the “microwave” relationship. Meet the person, fall in love quickly, move in together, THEN get to really know each other. Of course the inevitable then usually happens: The painful break-up.

Could Raya and others have prevented these types of break-ups?

Yes, and by taking some very simple proactive steps. You can first figure out a bit about who you are and why you are here. This is commonly referred to as your “Life Purpose”. Along with that you could also define your values, meaning what it is that is most important to you.

I know that these are not small or even easy processes, but you might notice that one of the best-selling books today (A Purpose Driven Life) is all about finding one’s purpose. There is more of a conversation about this today than there has been in a long time. With the coming of life and relationship coaches such as Dr. Phil and TV talk-show heroes and heroines like Oprah, we are beginning to have these “deeper” conversations more often.

But let’s get back to Raya. The other and perhaps most important step Raya could have taken was to make herself a “relationship template.” This is would be a list of desirable qualities and traits that she would seek in a romantic partner. In addition, it would include the absolute “deal-makers” and “deal-breakers”. These are the “absolutely got to have with no compromise or negotiation” (deal-makers) and the “absolutely will not accept or tolerate under any circumstances, ever” (deal-breakers) traits, qualities and deficiencies. When you have such a list it is quite easy to check in with yourself to at least see if the deal-makers or deal-breakers are present.

But let’s not fault Raya too much, after all she, like most of us, didn’t have relationship skills 101 in junior high, high school or college. When you don’t know how to go about something, then you experiment, right?? Hopefully Raya learned from this experiment and will take action to prevent similar situations from arising in the future. However, if Raya does not figure out her purpose, values and relationship boundaries, there is a very high likelihood that she will not get the relationship she truly desires. As with many people, she is likely to settle and then at some point discover what doesn’t work, then get divorced. It’s easy to see why we have a divorce rate that hovers around 50%.

So perhaps you can learn something very valuable from Raya. Get to know you first: Where you are going in your life, what is truly important to you, and then, what are the relationship parameters you have to have. Yes, you could marry yourself first! Novel concept, huh??!!

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Self-Differentiation is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals.

Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.

To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self .

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes, taking no vicitims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everday living.
16. Paying the price for building and living withing community.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

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