THE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN IN-PERSON
AND CYBERSPACE RELATIONSHIPS:
WORDS AND LISTENING
by John Suler, Ph.D.

A powerful way that people connect to each other is through words. In the beginning, CSR relied mostly on language conveyed through typed text - mostly e-mail and newsgroups posts. Even today, typed-text accounts for a very large majority of communication over the Internet. There are at least three distinct advantages of these text-mediated relationships over IPR.

1. The interaction is asynchronous. It doesn't occur in "real time" so you can respond to your net-mate whenever you wish, at whatever pace you wish. That gives you time to think about what you want to say and to compose your reply exactly the way you want. This comes in very handy for those awkward or emotional situations in a relationship. Unlike IPR, you're never on the spot to reply immediately. You can think it through first, do a little researching or soul-searching, if you wish. My advice for those very emotional moments is to compose a message, wait at least 24 hours, reread your message, modify it if necessary... then send it off. This wait-and-revise strategy can do wonders in averting impulsiveness, embarrassment, and regret.

2. The written dialogues of CSR may involve different mental mechanisms than in-person talk. It may reflect a distinct cognitive style that enables some people to be more expressive, subtle, organized, or creative in how they communicate. Some people feel that they can express themselves better in the written word. Surely, there have been truly great authors and poets who sounded bumbling or shallow during IP conversation.

3. Text-mediated relationships enable you to record the interactions by saving the typed-text messages. Essentially, you can preserve large chunks of the relationship with your net-mate, maybe even the entire relationship if you only communicated via typed-text. At your leisure, you can review what you and your partner said, cherish important moments in the relationship, and reexamine misunderstandings and conflicts. This kind of reevaluation of the relationship is impossible in IPR, where you almost always have to rely on the vagaries of memory. In fact, if you want to get downright philosophical about it, you could make the argument that your complete archive of text communications with your net-mate *is* the relationship with that person, perfectly preserved in bits and bytes. It's not unlike a novel, which isn't a record of characters and plot, but rather *is* the characters and plot.

The big disadvantage of text-driven relationships is what's missing vis-a-vis IPR. There are no voices, facial expressions, or body language to convey meaning and emotion. That issue takes us to the first of the five senses -- hearing.

The human voice is rich in meaning and emotion. A sharp edge to someone's words can rouse your suspicion or anger. Just the sound of a loved one's voice can be enough to create feelings of comfort and joy. Singing - one of the most expressive of human activities -- powerfully unites people. In CSR mediated by text only, both obvious and subtle nuances in voice pitch and volume are completely absent. And singing is impossible (unless you consider the mutual recitation of lyrics as singing... which some onliners do).

Advocates of text-driven CSR do have a comeback to this criticism. Lacking auditory and visual cues, the e-mail message or newsgroup post can be productively ambiguous in tone. When reading that typed message, there is a strong tendency to project -- sometimes unconsciously -- your own expectations, wishes, anxieties, and fears into what the person wrote. Psychoanalytic thinkers call this "transference." Your distorting the person's intended meaning could lead to misunderstandings and conflict. It could stimulate countertransference reactions from your Internet partner. On the other hand, if you discuss your (mis)perceptions with your friend, you are revealing underlying (perhaps unconscious) elements of how you think and feel. In a sense, you are being more real with the other person, allowing a deeper relationship to form. Of course, this more rich and meaningful relationship will only develop when people are mature enough to talk about and work through those projections and transferences with each other.

An entirely different comeback for cyberspace advocates is that one's voice can be heard via the Internet. It's only a matter of time before audio-streaming becomes perfected to the point where it matches the quality of IP. In fact, conversing in cyberspace may have some distinct advantages. If you so desire, conversations easily could be saved and replayed -- which isn't possible in IPR, unless you're carrying a tape recorder. Using software programs, nuances in voice pitch and volume can be examined more carefully for subtle emotions and meaning. Programs also could allow you to modify your voice as you transmit it. If you want to speak in the voice of Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger, or Daffy Duck, so be it. Or you can add in any auditory special effect you desire in order to embellish your words -- Pomp and Circumstance, explosions, quacks. As we'll see over and over again, a unique feature of CSR is the ability to use imagination and fantasy to shape the way in which you desire to present yourself. This can be a fascinating and revealing dimension to a relationship.

John Suler, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy.

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Surviving a Long Distance Relationship

Challenging and difficult, though they may not be what we want to hear, are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Keep in mind however, that the words are challenging and difficult, not impossible. Many people choose to give a long distance relationship a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make and if it even stands a chance. The truth is, a long distance relationship has just as much a chance of succeeding as any other relationship!

Long Distance Relationships share the same facts as an average relationship. It involves two people who share an interest in each other’s lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow. On the other hand, a long distance relationship does have its differences as well. It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required. Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell out doom for your relationship.

The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive. If the two of you decide to be monogamous, then it is clear that neither of you will be dating anyone else as long as your romantic relationship exists. Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.

Trust is a major necessity if you wish to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship. By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will not be seeing anyone else as promised. Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.

Keeping each other informed of the friendships you have with other people and the events that take place in your personal life is a great way to keep your relationship alive and healthy; and continues to make your partner a part of your life. It is essential that you receive the same information from your partner as well, so you both feel the same security and satisfaction that you both crave. Be creative with the way you keep in touch, such as calling, e-mailing, faxing and sending cards. Pay attention to how many times a week you are staying in touch as well. If you want your bond to stay strong and loving, you have to hear from one another often, leaving as little room for any of you to start getting paranoid about anything.

Although you cannot be romantic towards each other on a physical note, you can still perform romantic acts that will keep the romance department happy. You can do this by sending love letters and poems, having flowers and gifts delivered, or even sending a video of yourself with a loving message. Reminding your partner of how much you think about and love him or her will score high points, making them miss you more with the constant urge to see you.

Planning reunions play a big part in keeping your relationship exciting, plus serve you the satisfaction of being able to see and touch each other occasionally. It gives you the opportunity to catch up on each other’s life in person and to be able to share physical and intimate activities together, which will fulfill both of your needs and desires. Not re-uniting every once in a while will only damage the relationship you have, so if one of you are not willing to visit the other occasionally, then you may need to question the interest and care your partner has for you and should probably end the relationship and move on. If you and your partner truly want this to work out, then you will both continue to be eager to see each other as often as you can and every time to have the chance to.

Setting a limit of how long you will be apart is a wise thing to do if you do not want to end up waiting forever. There will be a day when you and your partner will have to start planning a serious future, which can only happen when you are living in the same area or perhaps even living together, whichever makes you most comfortable. If none of you are willing to agree on a place to settle and start having a relationship where you see each other on a regular basis, then you can pretty much forget about accomplishing anything out of your long distance relationship. If your partner truly loves you and wants to be with you, then they would not want to wait forever to be with you.

With the right amount of effort and interest on both parts, a long distance relationship can survive the obstacles it will frequently be challenged with. As long as you both refresh your memories of why you chose to do this in the first place, trust each other, inform one another of your personal lives, keep in touch, and visit, your relationship can turn out to be one of the most successful and happy relationships that ever existed. You both will be secure, happy and satisfied until the day comes when you will re-unite for good and build your wonderful future together.

- by Alina Ruigrok

Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert

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Pen Pal Romance
by: Skye Thomas

We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen pals that wrote to each other for years without meeting because they lived hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. Some friend of a friend set them up as pen pals or she decided to write to some unknown soldier away at war. They exchanged a few pictures and spent countless hours drafting letters back and forth, baring their hearts and souls to each other. Without ever dating, they fell in love. When one could eventually travel across the distance to finally meet the other, they both knew immediately that this was indeed the one they'd spend the rest of their life with. The physical attraction was every bit as strong as the emotional attraction they had felt for each other. It's a classic story that's existed as long as there's been a postal system for delivering the letters between would be lovers.

Today we have an Internet version of the same thing. People go to these dating sites to find love. It seemed a bit weird at first like most things that are new and different, but eventually we became used to the idea. Is it really any different than meeting in any other manner? You still have to weed through the riffraff. You still have people presenting themselves as something other than what they really are. You still have crooks and cheats, predators. And you still have honest real folks looking for true love. You still have single parents worried that people won't accept their kids as part of a package deal. You still have married folks looking for a way to cheat on their partners. The only real difference is how fast the system works. You can weed through a heck of a lot of less than desirable matches really fast and you don't even have to waste time or money on dinner and movies, or on babysitters and a new dress.

It's my hope that you would take your time with the ones who do seem promising. When you find a profile that seems interesting, don't rush through the process. Sure, a lot of people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and that you need to meet in person to get a real feel for each other. And there is a lot of truth to that. Ultimately you do have to meet in person to determine if there's any type of chemistry between you or not. It's not something that can be logically determined You feel it or you don't and you won't know until you meet them face to face. But what about those old pen pal stories? They fell in love without it being about sexual attraction. When we meet face to face with someone that we are physically attracted to, it's human nature to want to speed up the process so that we can get to the really good stuff! I'm thinking that if we took more time in the passing notes back and forth portion before actually meeting face to face, then we'd be more inclined to fall for the person inside rather than for the physical beauty that can be so blinding to the truth about people. We all know someone who's been completely consumed by a hot passionate attraction for someone who was so incredibly wrong for them. It takes forever for them to open their eyes and see the sexy person for what they really are. Please don't think that I'm saying that all good looking people are bad relationships waiting to happen. I just don't want you to confuse sexual attraction with real intimacy.

If you're just looking to get laid, then by all means disregard this article! It's not written for you. If you're looking to find that once in a lifetime incredible love, then why not take the extra time to do it right? Why not agree to write emails back and forth for a while before meeting in person? Chances are you've already seen their picture on the matchmaker's web site. Make up fun questionnaires for each other to fill out. Ask them all sorts of interesting questions about themselves like 'if you could invite four people to dinner regardless of what time in history they lived or died, who would it be and why?' Ask them what their number one biggest regret is in life. Ask them what their number one most embarrassing moment in life is. Ask them what their number one best shining moment was. Ask them if they felt loved as a child. Ask them if they have felt loved as an adult. What is their next wild adventure in life going to be? Have fun really getting to know each other before you meet in person. Have a real bond based on more than the fact that you both like moonlit walks on the beach and want to someday have children. When you do finally meet, you won't suffer those uncomfortable silences either, you'll have shared laughs and have plenty to talk about. You'll already be real friends.

So many people put in their profiles that they only want to meet people that are close to home, 50 miles, 100 miles, etc. Why not reach out across the globe. Why not find new pen pals to write to? Even if you never fall in love, you've gained a new friend and the experience of feeling connected to others. Who knows maybe your soulmate is just across the ocean. Perhaps they're waiting for a note from you in their inbox. Perhaps you'll become one of those wonderful love stories worth telling your grandchildren about. "Yep, your grandmother and I wrote back and forth for a year before I finally saved up enough money to fly over and meet her. And let me tell you, the first time I laid eyes on her I knew that she was the only one for me. She was well worth the wait!"


About The Author

Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas

LMAO!  This is my kind of gal for sure !!  ;) A screen nick I've used for years is Polka Dot Puh Jommies..... PDPJ  :)

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Psychology of Cyberspace

With the advance of computers and online networks - especially the Internet - a new dimension of human experience is rapidly opening up. The term "cyberspace" has been mentioned so often that it may at this point seem trite and overly commercialized. However, the experience created by computers and computer networks can in many ways be understood as a psychological "space." When they power up their computers, launch a program, write e-mail, or log on to their online service, users often feel - consciously or subconsciously - that they are entering a "place" or "space" that is filled with a wide array of meanings and purposes. Many users who have telneted to a remote computer or explored World Wide Web will describe the experience as "traveling" or "going someplace." Spatial metaphors - such as "worlds," "domains," or "rooms" are common in articulating online activities.

On an even deeper psychological level, users often describe how their computer is an extension of their mind and personality - a "space" that reflects their tastes, attitudes, and interests. In psychoanalytic terms, computers and cyberspace may become a type of "transitional space" that is an extension of the individual's intrapsychic world. It may be experienced as an intermediate zone between self and other that is part self and part other. As they read on their screen the e-mail, newsgroup, or chat message written by an internet comrade, some people feel as if their mind is merged or blended with that of the other. In their April Fools prank, "Tidal Wave Communications" introduced a new computer accessory called "Orecchio" - a headset, using Telepathic Internet Data Exchange (TIDE) protocol, that enhances e-mail functionality by enabling you "to send your most important thoughts directly from their source: your mind." "Imagine no more keyboards and achy hands. No more eye strain from the glare of the screen. Just visualize the message you want to send, followed by your send command, and poof! Your email is transmitted to our network for quick delivery to its destination." Truth comes out in jest.

When one experiences cyberspace as this extension of one's mind - as a transitional space between self and other - the door is thrown wide open for all sorts of fantasies and transference reactions to be projected into this space. Under ideal conditions, people use this as an opportunity to better understand themselves, as a path for exploring their identity as it engages the identity of other people. Under less than optimal conditions, people use this psychological space to simply vent or act out their fantasies and the frustrations, anxieties, and desires that fuel those fantasies.

As an internet traveller once told me, "Everywhere I go on the internet, I keep running into...... ME!"

The psychological qualities of cyberspace are determined by the hardware and software that constitute computers and the online world. An Op has the power to throw you off an IRC channel; lag can destroy conversation in a chat group; the reply-to in a listserv group might send your e-mail to the whole list or just to the sender of the message. All of these factors affect the psychological "feel" of the environment. All of them are determined by the nuts and bolts and program code that comprise the internet infrastructure. As hardware and software change, so will the psychological aspects of cyberspace. Of particular interest is the expansion of the experiential dimensions of cyberspace by technological advances that allow more visual and auditory communication. How will the ability to see and hear other people on the internet change cyberspace? Will people WANT to give up those spaces that lack face-to-face cues but are rich in imaginative ambiguity?

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Indeed, online relationships can be unusually seductive. They are readily accessible, they move very quickly, and under the cloak of anonymity, they make it easy for people to reveal a great deal about themselves.

Putting themselves into words, getting replies while they're still in the emotional state of the original message, relying heavily on imagination to fill in the blanks about the recipient, people communicating online are drawn into such rapid self-disclosure that attachments form quite literally with the speed of light.

How this happens, and the subtle but important ways it influences "real" life, is the subject of a fascinating book, Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, by Aaron Ben-Ze'ev. A philosopher who is now president of Haifa University in Israel, Ze'ev does not think intimate Internet relationships, and even cyber sex, are all bad. But he does think they could have an impact on the way we conduct offline life and even change our view of infidelity.

Ze'ev calls cyberspace a kind of "mentally nude commune," where people often strip off their masks. What nudity leaves undone, imagination finishes. "Imagination, which paints cyberspace in more intense and seductive colors, also helps people satisfy some of their most profound desires." It frees people from the limits imposed by their bodies and their surroundings.

What's so ironic about using the internet is that it's a solitary activity that leads to social contact-while it isolates users from their own families, the people in the very next room. One reason it does this is that Internet use is almost addictive; the rewards of contact are so immediate and so pleasurable. And while cyber relationships can be more sincere and open than offline relationships, they also leave a great deal of room for deception, although online relationships are marked more by dreams than deception.

There is, of course, a price to pay for this activity-"the risk of being captured by your own desire," is the way Ze'ev puts it. Despite the opportunity for intense disappointment, which lies just a click away, online affairs are flourishing. They are not merely a whole new type of relationship with their own unique characteristics; Ze'ev calls them "the first real alternative" to face-to-face relationships.

Online affairs are, above all, safe. There's no danger of pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease. "Having an online affair is like going to a party whenever you want to, without having to leave your home," says Ze'ev.

The strange mixture of physical distance and emotional closeness of online affairs is what makes them so intense. And it's such a novel development, such a new kind of interpersonal experience, Ze'ev contends, that our own emotional systems are not prepared to deal with such contradictory elements in a relationship. Yet the contradictions and uncertainties of online romantic relationships allow emotions to play a much greater role than in other relationships.

Ze'ev doesn't think online relationships will ever replace offline ones, but he does think the advent of internet relationships will ultimately force us to relax our view of romantic exclusivity and romantic betrayal. We will gain more of a sense of "romantic flexibility." Imagination, he says, "lets us wander through the jungle of our own wishes and desires."

Still, he says, there are times when chatting is cheating. And there's a very simple way to know when you've crossed the line-there's deception.

If you engage in an Internet relationship that you keep secret from your real-life mate, you're engaging in deception. "Chatting is not cheating when the significant other knows about it," says Ze'ev. The trouble with deception is that it kills intimacy and ruptures trust in the primary relationship.

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by Kimberly S. Young, Alvin Cooper, Eric Griffiths-Shelley, James O'Mara, and Jennifer Buchanan
Paper Published in Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7(10, 59-74, 2000

Abstract

Prior research has examined how marital relationships can result in separation and divorce due to Internet addiction. This paper examines how the ability to form romantic and sexual relationships over the Internet that can result in marital separation and possible divorce. The ACE Model (Anonymity, Convenience, Escape) of Cybersexual Addiction provides a workable framework to help explain the underlying cyber-cultural issues increasing the risk of virtual adultery. Finally, the paper outlines specific interventions that focus on strategies for rebuilding trust after a cyberaffair, ways to improve marital communication, and finally how to educate couples on ways to continue commitment.

Introduction

Recent research has explored the existence and extent of pathological Internet use (Brenner, 1997; Griffiths, 1996 & 1997; Morahan-Martin, 1997; Scherer, 1997; Young, 1997a, 1997b, 1998a, 1998b, 1999) which has resulted in significant social, academic, and occupational impairment. In particular, aspects of this research (Griffiths, 1997; Young, 1998a, 1998b, 1999a) and prior research on computer addiction (Shotton, 1991) has observed that computer and/or Internet dependent users gradually spent less time with real people in their lives in exchange for solitary time in front of a computer. Young (1998a) found that serious relationship problems were reported by fifty-three percent of the 396 case studies of Internet addicts interviewed, with marriages and intimate dating relationships most disrupted due to cyberaffairs and online sexual compulsivity.

Cyberaffairs are generally defined as any romantic or sexual relationship initiated via online communication, predominantly electronic conversations that occur in virtual communities such as chat rooms, interactive games, or newsgroups (Young, 1999a). A Cyberaffair can either be a continuous relationship specific to one online user or a series of random erotic chat room encounters with multiple online users. Virtual adultery can look like Internet addiction as the increasing amounts of time utilizing the computer. Meanwhile, the person is addicted to the can online lover only to display compulsive behavior towards the utilization of the Internet as a means to meet and chat with a new found love.

Infidelity online has accounted for a growing trend in divorce cases according to the President of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (Quittner, 1997). However, the nature and scope of marital dissolution caused by such virtual infidelity has been greatly underestimated due to the Internet’s current popularity as an technological advancement (Young, 1997a). Furthermore, healthcare professionals, especially marital and family therapist who are most like to deal with such couples, are often unfamiliar with the dynamics associated with relatively new concept of cyberaffairs and the electronic process of virtual-based "cheating". Therefore, this paper utilizes Young’s ACE Model of Cybersexual Addiction (1999b) to understand the underlying motivation of infidelity online and outlines specific treatment strategies in working with such couples.

Potential Explanations of Infidelity Online

It is hard to image that a husband who would never walk into an adult bookstore could download online pornography or a wife who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900-number could engage erotic chat or phone sex with men she met online. It is equally difficult to understand how stable marriages of 15, 20, or 25 years end because of a three or four-month old cyberaffair. Yet, these are typical scenarios plaguing many couples today.

In order to understand the increased incidence of infidelity online, this paper applies the ACE Model of Cybersexual Addiction to explain how cyberspace creates a cultural climate of permissiveness that actually serves to encourage and validate sexually adulterous and promiscuous online behavior (Young, 1999b). The ACE Model examines three variables, anonymity, convenience, and escape that lead to virtual adultery.

First, the anonymity of electronic transactions allows users to secretly engage in erotic chats without the fear of being caught by a spouse. Anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the online experience. Online experiences often occur in the privacy of one’s home, office, or bedroom, facilitating the perception of anonymity and that Internet use is personal and untraceable. Cyberaffairs are initiated via online communication (Young, 1999a) and typically begin in chat room setting allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through "screen names" or "handles." Messages can either appear in the public forum for the entire room to read or an "instant message" can be sent privately to a single member of the room. The anonymity associated with electronic communication allows users to feel more open and frank in talking with other users. Anonymity also allows an online user to feel comfortable without needing to look for signs of insincerity or judgment in their facial expression, as would be true in real life. The privacy of cyberspace enables a person to share intimate feelings often reserved for a significant other that may open the door to a potential cyberaffair. Soon typed messages passing along the computer screen carry with them emotional significance that often precedes more erotic dialogue between online friends, which may blossom into virtual adultery.

Second, the convenience of interactive online applications such as ICQ, chat rooms, newsgroups, or role-playing games provides a convenient vehicle to meet others and their proliferation makes for easy access for a curious person’s initial exploration. What starts off as a simple email exchange or an innocent chat room encounter can quickly escalate into an intense and passionate cyberaffair that leads to secret phone calls and sexy real-life meetings. Or a curious husband or wife may secretly step into one of many rooms designed for martial infidelity with titles such as the MarriedM4Affair, Cheating Wife, or Lonely Husband, only to be shocked at the permissiveness of others engaged in virtual adultery. A husband who lives in New York considers it harmless to flirt with a woman who lives in Australia. A wife rationalizes that having cybersex isn’t really cheating because of the lack of physical contact. Soon, a once loving husband suddenly becomes evasive and demands his privacy when online or a once warm and compassionate wife and mother turns towards the computer instead of caring for her children. In the end, a harmless cyber-romp spells trouble as a spouse may leave a once long term and stable marriage because of someone they just met over the Internet.

Many people falsely assume that the primary reinforcement to engage in adultery is the sexual gratification received from the online sexual act. Studies have shown the experience itself is reinforced through a type of drug "high" that provides an emotional or mental escape and serves to reinforce the behavior leading to compulsivity (Young, 1997, 1998a, 1998b). A lonely wife in an empty marriage can escape into a chat room where she is desired by her many cyber-partners. A sexually insecure husband can transform into a hot cyberlover that all the women in the chat room fight over. While sexual fulfillment may provide the initial reinforcement, the more potent reinforcement is the ability to cultivate a subjective fantasy world whereby the online can escape the stresses and strains of real life. The courts have already argued the role of online compulsivity as a mental disorder in the defense of online sexual deviancy cases. For example, one landmark case, the United States versus McBroom, successfully demonstrated that the client’s downloading, viewing, and transferring of Internet pornography was less about erotic gratification and more about an emotional escape mechanism to relieve mental tension.

Implications for Marital Therapy

While the ACE Model of Cybersexual Addiction provides a workable framework to understand the cyberspace climate that serves to encourage and validate the cyberaffair, clinicians working in aftermath of such cases need guidance on appropriate ways to improve a couples communication and cohesion. Therefore, this section outlines specific interventions that focus on strategies for rebuilding trust after a cyberaffair, ways to improve marital communication, and finally how to educate couples on ways to continue commitment. To achieve this goal, this paper outlines how to: (a) detect a cyberaffair, (b) improve communication and confront the cheating spouse, (c) deal with underlying issues contributing to the cyberaffair, and (d) rebuild marital trust.

Detection of a Suspected Cyberaffair:

Unlike spouses who catch their husbands or wives in open adultery, a spouse may initially enter counseling with little more than a suspicion of a partner sharing intimate words with another woman or man on a computer. In such instances, the first step is to evaluate the situation using these early warning signs as a guide in order for therapists to make more informed choices and act to intervene more swiftly and successfully.

1. Change in sleep patterns - Change in sleep patterns - Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
2. A demand for privacy -A demand for privacy - If someone begins cheating on their spouse, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their wife or husband. With a cyberaffair, this attempt usually leads to the search for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of his locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak all his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness. If someone begins cheating on their spouse, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their wife or husband. With a cyberaffair, this attempt usually leads to the search for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of his locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak all his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
3. Household chores ignored -Household chores ignored - When any Internet user increases his time on-line, household chores often go undone. That's not automatically a sign of a cyberaffair, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and un-mowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person's attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy on-line and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between marriage. When any Internet user increases his time on-line, household chores often go undone. That's not automatically a sign of a cyberaffair, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and un-mowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person's attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy on-line and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between marriage.
4. Evidence of lying –The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for on-line services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. Most spouses lie to protect their on-line habit, but those engaging in a cyberaffair have a higher stake in concealing the truth, which often triggers bigger and bolder lies - including telling a spouse that they will quit.
5. Personality changes –A spouse is often surprised and confused to see how much their partner's moods and behaviors changed since the Internet engulfed them. A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming, and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse. For a partner once willing to communicate about contentious matters, this could be a smokescreen for a cyberaffair.
6. Loss of interest in sex - Loss of interest in sex - Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in the relationship at all, the cheating partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking.
7. Declining investment in your relationship -Declining investment in your relationship - Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship. Often, they are having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off with their cyberpartner - not building intimacy with a spouse.

Marital Communication:

The discovery of a cheating partner is difficult for the spouse to accept. Spouses react to the cheating partner with doubt, jealousy toward the computer, and a fear that the relationship wParameters should be established in terms of the communication goals within the cill end because of someone they never met. Furthermore, spouses often become enablers as they rationalize their partners’ behavior as just a "phase" and they go to great lengths to conceal the problem from family and friends. When working directly with the couple, practitioners should assist them in basic communication skills to improve open, effective, and honest communication without blame or anger. Some general guidelines include:

1. Set specific goals –Counseling session. To facilitate goal setting for the non-offending spouse, a clinician should pose such questions as, "Do you just need your partner to end the cyberaffair while you still allow an occasional cybsersex dalliance, or do you want all communication with the opposite sex terminated as a solid gesture to begin rebuilding your trust?" "Are you hankering to pull the plug completely on all Internet use, and if so, are you prepared for the likely withdrawal to hit?" and "If you adopt a more modest goal of time moderation, how many hours per week would you aim for - twenty-five or five?" To facilitate goal setting for the cheating spouse, a clinician should pose such questions as, "Have you already, or will you, give up the cyberaffair?" "Are you in a position to give up the computer totally?" or "Have you considered sharing your computer experience together?" These goal-setting questions evaluate a couple’s expectations related to the computer and assess their commitment to rebuild the present relationship.
1. Use non-blaming "I" statements – The therapist should emphasize the use of nonjudgmental language that won't sound critical or blaming. If the spouse states, "You never pay any attention to me because you're always on that damn computer," the receiver will perceive it as an attack and act defensively. As is common practice, the use of "I" statements allows for open communication of feelings in a nonjudgmental manner. Therefore, clinicians should help clients rephrase statements into non-blaming language. For example, the prior statement could be rephrased as, "I feel neglected when you spend long nights on the computer" or "I feel rejected when you say you don't want to make love with me." Practitioners should help clients stay focused on the present experience and avoid the use of negative trigger words such as "always," "never," "should," or "must," that sound inflexible and invite heated rebuttal.
2. Empathetic Listening – Help clients listen fully and respectfully. Many spouses explain that they never sought cyberaffairs but found the process happening too fast for them to see and understand. Underneath, they may be feeling guilty and truly wish to stop. Or, the cyberflings may have stirred up their own resentments about the pain over what's been missing for them in your marriage. If the offending partner tries to explain their motives for the affair, it is important to help the other partner suspend feelings of betrayal or loss of trust and listen to these explanations as openly as possible to maximize communication.
3. Consider other alternatives –If face-to-face communication has been strained between the couple, clinicians should explore alternatives such as letter writing and even email exchanges. Letter writing provides a longer forum to allow thoughts and feelings to flow without interruption from a spouse. Reading a letter in a less charged atmosphere may allow the other person to drop their defensive posture and respond in a more balanced manner. E-mail exchanges not only offer the same freedom of interruptions as letters but also can demonstrate to the offending spouse that his or her partner doesn’t view the Internet itself as entirely evil. The couple may share a laugh at the irony of taking this approach, which could open the door to a more productive face-to-face talk.

Underlying Issues:

Cyberaffairs and cybersexual encounters are typically a symptom of an underlying problem that existed in the marriage before the Internet ever entered the couple’s lives. Pre-existing marital problems include: (a) Poor Communication, (b) Sexual Dissatisfaction, (c) Differences in child-rearing practices, (d) Recent relocation from support from family and friends, and (e) Financial Problems. These are common troubles for any couple. Yet, the presence of such issues will increase the risk of a cyberaffair. When two people are talking over the Internet, the conversation offers unconditional support and comfort. A cyberlover can type an empathetic message when he lives thousands of miles away, but in real-life be rude, aggressive, or insensitive to the people he meets. Yet this electronic bond can offer the fantasy of all the excitement, romance, and passion that may be missing in a current relationship. Instead of dealing with how to confront the issues hurting a marriage, people can use a cyberaffair as an easy escape from the real issues. The cyberaffair becomes a means of coping with unexpressed anger towards a partner as an outside person electronically offers understanding and comfort for hurt feelings. Therefore, it is vital that therapists thoroughly assess and directly deal with possible underlying issues that contributed to the cyberaffair.

Rebuild Marital Trust:

As with any couple struggling in the aftermath of an affair, a major goal of marital therapy is helping the couple to rebuild trust in the relationship. However, special care must be taken to examine how to focus on relationship building after a cyberaffair because of several factors.

1. Computer Use - Cyberaffairs often happen inside the couple’s home and the "cheating" partner’s behavior is centralized around the computer, a tool that may also be used for non-romantic purposes such as for business or home finances. However, each time the offending partner approaches the computer for a legitimate reason, it may trigger feelings of suspicion and jealousy for the spouse. The therapist must help couple evaluate how the computer will be used at home so that they can establish reasonable ground rules such as supervised computer use or moving the computer into a public area of the family home.
2. Psychoeducation - The practitioner should also provide psychoeducational consultation for the couple to help remove the typical rationalizations exhibited by the offending partner and to help the spouse understand the motives leading up to the cyberaffair. The cheating partner may not have purposely gone on the Internet to look for someone else, but the online experience afforded an opportunity to form intimate bonds with fellow on-line users, which quickly escalated to erotic chat and passionate conversations. The cheating partner often rationalizes the behavior as just a fantasy, typed words on a screen, or that cybersex isn’t cheating because of the lack of physical contact. Therapists should be careful not reinforce these rationalizations and focus on ways for the cheating partner to take responsibility for their actions. This is an important element in therapy if the couple is to rebuild honesty and trust in their relationship.
3. Renew Commitment - Finally, the therapist should help the couple evaluate how the cyberaffair has hurt the relationship and help formulate relationship-enhancing goals that will renew commitment and improve intimacy between the couple. To help the couple renew commitment, the therapist must stress forgiveness. Care should also be taken to evaluate the types of activities the couple used to enjoy before the Internet and encourage them to engage in those events once again. Finally, inventions, which focus on a couple’s weekly progress and how couples can use the Internet together for sexual enhancement, should be explored.

Conclusion

This paper examines the powerful potential of romantic and sexual relationships on-line to negatively impact once stable marriages. The warning signs of a cyberaffair are outlined, with specific behavioral changes in relation to computer usage being most consistent indicators of online infidelity. Couples with pre-existing problems may be most at risk, especially as the ease of idolizing of these on-line relationships will negatively distort perceptions of marital intimacy and exacerbate pre-existing difficulties. To help repair marital commitment and trust, practitioners need to focus more carefully on the role of the computer and its implications for treatment with such couples on the verge of Cyber-divorce.

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